by Autumn Grey
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back as I ride that feeling. It’s short lived though. It doesn’t make me feel as if I can conquer the world. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel as though I’ve let myself down. I hate myself for breaking my own promise.
My fingers start to shake as I realize what I have done. I grab the edge of my dress and scrub my arm clean of the blood.
Shoving my hand in my purse, I pull out my phone and scroll through the names on my contact list and stop when my former therapist’s name pops on the screen. I press the call button and wait for her to pick up. It rings three times before diverting to voice mail.
I breathe through my mouth, fighting to fill my lungs with air.
Breathe, Eleanor. Breathe. Freaking breathe.
I shut my eyes tight, fighting the darkness looming around the edges of my consciousness. “Dr. Thorsten? Um. . .It’s me. . .El—” I stop and take a deep breath again using my mouth, and release it through my nose. “Eleanor Blake. You said if I ever needed to talk to you, I could call anytime?”
I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand. “I need to talk to you so badly. I did something today and I’m scared I’m about to relapse. I can’t—I don’t want to go back to being that girl. Please. Please call me back.” I raise my head and disconnect the call.
The darkness inside me is like a yawning chasm, eager to swallow me whole. I grip the phone tighter in one hand and scroll through my contacts again and stop on Cole’s name. I hesitate, because I have no idea how he will react when he sees me like this. He knows me as the strong girl who fought and is still fighting her demons. I think about calling Grandma, but I can’t let her see me like this either. And neither can my sisters.
I find Megs’ name and call her. It rings once but I disconnect it quickly.
Despite my deepest fears and the guilt ravaging my soul, the only person I want to see right now is the same person I’m afraid I’ll end up losing the minute he sees me in this condition.
No one else but him.
Cole.
My Cole, even though the reason for my breakdown involves our parents and whatever secrets lie between them. The weight of it is dragging me down. Every emotion inside me is flailing, searching for something to latch on to. I’m seconds away from reverting to that helpless little girl that found release inflicting pain on herself. Cole has never seen me at my worst, because the angels in me keep the demons at bay whenever he’s around me. He’s the only person I’ve ever admitted to about the things I’d gladly take to my grave, my truest fears and the fact that I’d harm my own father to stop him from hurting my family. To save Cole.
But am I ready to tell him about my dad and his mom?
I wipe my cheeks with the back of my hand and quickly shoot a text to Megs with shaking fingers.
Me: Please come and get me. Stuck in front of Wal-Mart.
I press send. I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth over a text.
Seconds pass. What if she doesn’t have her phone with her?
One minute passes. I know this because I’m squinting at the phone, waiting. Tears blur my eyesight. I hate how weak I am right now. I look like a junkie in need of her next fix.
My phone lights up as a text comes through.
Megs: On my way.
Five minutes later, the sound of tires on tarmac claim my attention. Megs’ Prius drives by slowly, her eyes darting out the window, searching for me. She spots me, reverses and slides into the parking space across from me. I managed to climb to my feet to wait for her. It’s enough that I look pathetic in the first place anyway.
She jumps out of the car, grinning. At the same time, Cole steps out of the other door and Simon too. I groan, inwardly.
Shit.
Megs’ grin disappears as she gets closer before dashing to my side with her arms outstretched ready to hug me.
“What happened, love?” she whispers as she hugs me tightly.
“I didn’t want him to see me like this.”
“You know how he is when it comes to you. I was about to leave when I received your text. He jumped in my car before I could stop him,” she says quickly.
Cole is zeroing in on us and he looks at me with shock and sorrow. I probably look like a complete mess.
He pulls me from Megs’ arms and envelops me in his. I close my eyes, letting the feel of his body soothe me. When I open them again, Simon is standing next to Megs, his hands shoved inside his Capri pants, speaking to Megs in a low voice.
Cole pulls back. He holds out his hand and says, “Keys.”
I blink at him, confused.
He points to my car. I nod and place them on his palm. He signs something to Simon, who nods and says, “We’ll see you guys later,” then takes Megs’ hand and drags her toward the car. Cole opens my car and jerks his chin for me to get in.
After telling Megs I will call her as soon as I get home, I get in the car. Cole follows me and slides in the driver’s seat. This Cole is kind of scary. He’s determined.
When we arrive at our neighborhood, instead of taking me to my house, he kisses my forehead and leads us to his. Nick is on the porch, playing race cars with a friend of his. After saying a muffled hello to them, we head inside the house. Maggie’s voice drifts from the kitchen. She’s talking on the phone.
Shit.
She is the last person I want to see today. I drag my feet on the carpet and Cole stops and raises his brows at me as if to ask “What’s wrong?” But I can’t tell him yet. I need a little more time.
Cole tugs me by the hand upstairs to the bathroom and locks the door. He turns on the shower, turns to me, and motions for me to lift my arms.
“I can undress myself,” I say quietly, but making sure he can read my lips.
He keeps his gaze on my face and shakes his head.
I sigh and take a deep breath, then lift my arms. He makes efficient work of undressing me and when he’s done, he nods toward the shower. I step inside and he pulls the doors closed. When I’m done I linger a bit longer, hoping Cole will eventually leave the bathroom. I finally give up and slide open the door. Cole is holding the towel out for me and wraps it around me, rubbing my body dry. He unhooks a T-shirt from his shoulder that I hadn’t noticed before and slides it over my head. Finally he leads me to his room, drops my hand and scrambles on his bed before urging me to go to him.
I blink back tears, and shake my head. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“I’m not sorry.”
Finally, the tears I’ve been holding onto fall down my cheeks. “I’m a mess, Cole. I can’t. . .” I suck in a deep breath. “I keep promising myself I’ll be better next time. God, I need to leave. You don’t want me like this.”
He scrambles out of the bed and grabs my shoulders. “I don’t care, Nor. Just come to bed. Let me hold you, all right?”
Those words breakdown the wall I’ve been erecting since I was in the shower. I fall into his arms and let him lead me to the bed. He gathers me in his arms. “It’s okay, Nor. I’m here.”
I lean back to look into his eyes. “I was standing in front of the shelves with razor blades. The urge to buy them was so strong. God, I’m weak.”
“You did not buy the razors. You won the fight.” He glances down at the red marks on my forearm where I dug the car keys in. “You stopped yourself. Don’t stop fighting, Snowflake. Fight whatever demons keep you awake at night. Just don’t stop fighting.”
Our lips are almost touching. I can feel his breath fanning the skin around my mouth. Sliding my hands to cup his face, I press my lips to his. A kiss seeking comfort. He kisses me back, softly at first and sighs under his breath, a cross between a moan and a groan. He cups my face with one hand, and wraps the other around the nape of my neck, pulling me closer. Holding me captive. I move and latch my legs around his hips momentarily disconnecting our mouths but not for long. His hand leaves my face, slides down my neck, the side of my breast and down lower. He lifts the edge of my dres
s and wraps his fingers around my lower back, holding me against his body.
A light blinks feverishly behind my closed eyes. I open them to see the little alarm light on the nightstand lighting up to indicate someone is knocking on Cole’s door. I scramble off Cole’s lap just as his mom walks into the room. My face is flaming as her gaze narrows on me and then her son.
“Staying within limits, okay?” She asks loudly at the same time signing. She has this rule that the boys can take girls to their room but never go beyond kissing.
Cole nods and looks at me, his face flushed and eyes dark. I can’t meet his eyes. I can’t meet Maggie’s eyes and not because she caught us kissing up a storm.
I swing my legs out of the bed and stagger upright. “I have to go,” I sign while saying the words out loud. “See you later?”
Cole moves from the bed as if to follow me, but I shake my head. His eyebrows are furrowed as he studies my every move. I know he’s looking at me because I know the feel of his eyes.
LAST NIGHT WHEN I CAME back home from Cole’s house, I came to a conclusion: I was going to have to talk to Maggie. My notebook is filled with a million words. I’ve been trying to get it all out. Music isn’t helping me as much as it did before. Yesterday’s near breakdown was my undoing and it made me realize that there was no way I was going to allow myself to go off the deep end. I wasn’t going to carry other people’s burdens. I was already carrying my own.
I have one mission today. I pretend I’m sick today so I can handle this.
Standing at my window, I watch Cole get into his car and drive away. Seconds later, a black truck pulls in front of the Holloway’s house playing loud hip hop music. Josh, with an overnight bag slung over his shoulder, dashes from the front door and waves to his mom who is standing on the front porch before he jogs toward the car. After a round of greetings, Josh gets in the truck.. Seconds later, it speeds off down the street and disappears around the corner.
I rush downstairs and out of the door. Two minutes later, I’m standing in front of the Holloway’s front door. I take deep breaths to calm my racing heart and quickly wipe the sweat now beading on my forehead.
Am I going to do this? Confront Cole’s mother about whatever I saw on her lawn? God, why does it feel like I’m about to cross a line, that I might change things exponentially? I spin around and climb down the steps, then stop and ball my hands into fists.
I can’t live like this. I feel drained all the time and if I don’t get to the root of this, I might relapse.
There is no way I’m going to let that happen. I have too much to lose.
Shaking my hands at my side, I whirl around and ring the bell before I can bail. I hear the sound of muffled footsteps coming toward me from the other side of the door. I hold my breath, waiting, and when the door opens, Maggie blinks, and her eyes widen slightly.
“Eleanor.” Her gaze darts over my shoulder before returning back to me. “Why aren’t you in school? Cole left—”
“Actually, I wanted to talk to you.”
Her eyebrows shoot up but she seems to recover fast. “I’m about to take Nick to school. Can it wait until later?”
I shake my head. “No, I just need a few minutes.”
She nods and steps aside, allowing me entrance.
Once inside, she gestures for me to sit on the couch but I shake my head. I’m too nervous to stay put in one place.
She clears her throat and raises a brow. Her hands are clasped in front of her tightly.
Right. My grandmother has a saying that goes something like, Choose your battles well. If you know you cannot handle it, then walk away.
I chose this battle. The only thing that terrifies me is that I have no idea which condition I will come out of it in.
Without further pre-empt, I blurt out, “I saw you and my father arguing on your lawn two weeks ago.”
Her face blanches and her mouth falls open then closes again. “What?”
“Are you and my father having an affair?”
She gasps, then sits down on the couch, dropping her face in her hands. “Why would you think that?”
“I heard you and my dad talking.”
She wipes a trembling hand over her brow. “No. Your father and I are not having an affair.”
“Then why were you arguing?” I insist, feeling my panic start to rise.
She leans back and stares at me. “It’s none of your business, Eleanor.”
I start to pace. “Mrs. Holloway. It’s my business. My mother is in that house right now lost in her own world. My sisters have no idea what is happening and I. . .oh God, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle it.
“It might not be any of my business, but, it’s eating me inside out. I’m going to be honest with you. My mom used to think that my dad was her entire world. She still does. She hasn’t accepted the fact that he doesn’t love her anymore. It has destroyed her. It’s destroying my family. Me.” I stretch out my hands toward her. “This. I don’t want to go down this road again. Two days ago, I almost relapsed after I had gone for so long without self-harming. Cole keeps asking me what is wrong. I care about him very much. But I can see his heart breaking whenever he looks at me, because I can’t bear to look at him when I know I’m keeping a secret from him. So please, Maggie, tell me the truth. Please. I need to be able to sort this out in my head.”
She stares at me the entire time, her gaze moving from my wrists to my face, a soft look on her face. Then she straightens on the couch and takes a deep breath, releasing it in a long shuddering breath.
“Your father and I practically grew up together. We did everything together. His parents and mine were friends. We lived next door to each other. We went to school together. We were inseparable. So naturally, we fell in love. He was the sweetest, most caring person I had ever met. But he had such a hard life at home. His father was a general in the army. He was strict to the point of cruel, and always demanded more than one hundred percent from his son. But his cruelty exceeded even his norm when he found out that Stephen’s brother, Thomas, was gay.”
I remember my grandmother mentioning him but I let her talk.
“Thomas was the most handsome boy I’d ever met. And the most cheerful person. But he was also born deaf.” She licks her lips. “In an attempt to make sure Stephen didn’t turn out like his older brother, Thomas, their father became even more demanding to the extent that he beat him up. At this time, he’d already thrown Thomas, who was fifteen at that time, out of the home. Even their mother’s words and protection didn’t help.
“Anyway, Stephen hated your grandfather so much. He asked me to run away with him, but I refused. I loved him very much, but I couldn’t leave my family. And I told him exactly that. He was extremely enraged. I’d never seen him like that, which made me realize that I probably didn’t know him like I thought I did. Things fell apart and we broke up. I got accepted to a college out of state and I left him here in Florida. Years later he tracked me down, but by that time, I was already engaged to Benjamin.”
I rub my clammy hands down my dress. “And now, we are living next door to you.”
She nods. “A few years into my marriage with Ben, things weren’t going so well. Ben was preoccupied most of the time with starting his own business and I was raising Josh, mostly alone. Ben was out of town for long periods of times. He was distracted. Our love seemed to have diminished and my marriage was rocky, with no chance of saving it especially after Ben confessed to me later on that he’d been having an affair. We were heading for divorce. Just around that time, your father came to town for a seminar hosted by the state’s police department. He was a police detective at that time. Old feelings for him resurfaced and I ran to him for comfort.”
“But my dad. . .he was still married to my mom.”
“He told me that he’d divorced her. Because things didn’t work and that he’d never been able to forget me.” She drops her face in her hands and inhales deeply. “I was so stupid to believe him.
”
I stare at her, completely confused on what I’m supposed to do now. Hug her or stay put and wait it out? “What happened next?”
“I realized your father hadn’t changed. He was the same man. Hot tempered and sometimes cruel. Also Benjamin approached me and pleaded with me, told me that he didn’t want to lose me. My life had always been the kind I’d dreamed about with Benjamin, an exceptionally amazing father and husband, apart from that affair. I wasn’t proud of what I did. But at the same time, I wanted Josh to grow up with his own father. I wasn’t perfect either. So I went back to my husband. One month later, I realized I was pregnant with Cole. Around that time, I received a call from a woman who told me that she was Stephen’s wife and I should stop destroying her marriage. I was shocked. The next time your father called to convince me to come back to him, that he’d change, I told him I couldn’t because I was pregnant. That Benjamin and I had decided to work on our marriage. He was angry. He cursed me on the phone. I told him to never contact me again and to go home and work on his marriage.”
Flash backs of the time my father came home from one of his long trips flash in my mind. The words he’d used to belittle my mother, makes me realize he was doing this long before I was born. The look on his face when he’d looked at me. Now his words are his weapon and he has a talent for unleashing them. Sometimes I wonder if physical abuse would have been better than words that left scars on my soul.
She stands up and walks to the kitchen, and returns with a glass of raspberry juice with a slice of lemon in it. After thanking her, she sits on the couch again, and clasps her hands in front of her.
I clasp my hands around the glass and bite the inside of my cheek, and mutter distractedly, “He hates Cole so much.”
Her head snaps back, her eyebrows dipping low. “He hates Cole?”
