by Autumn Grey
Air whooshes out of my lungs. My heart flips inside my chest, as I take in the honest to God emotions shining in his eyes. The eyes that seem to see my fears, chaos and insecurities and the girl who just wants to be loved. To be told that she is beautiful. A little crazy sometimes. Sitting here on his lap, I feel like a princess. Cole has just stripped away my proverbial tattered clothes, dressed me in a beautiful gown and put a crown on my head.
I’m Cinderella and I don’t need anything else in the world. Just him and me.
What started as curiosity on my part has grown into something huge. Love. Sometimes it’s so overwhelming it scares me. I’ve wanted to tell him how I feel for a while now. What I feel for him.
But then doubts swoop in. Feeling like this, having someone who pays attention to me like Cole does is unreal. It’s like living in a dream. My wildest fantasy. An illusion. I’m terrified I’ll wake up and it will all be gone. My heart is too invested in Cole. So I’ve kept my mouth shut and just reveled in it.
“Nor?”
I snap out of my thoughts, and offer him a shaky smile. For a moment, the confidence I’ve built up over the past few years wavers and I start babbling, “I’m a mess sometimes. I live inside my head too much. I. . .I—” I pause to gather my thoughts. “I don’t care. I’ve been falling for you since that first night on the roof. I can’t explain it, but it happened.”
I realize that his confession changes everything. He needs to know the truth. My truth. “Being in love with me is a risk.” I tell him.
He grasps my chin with his fingers and urges me to look at him. “I. Don’t. Care. I’m in love with you and all the little quirks that make up who you are. Your chaotic mind, your insecurities, your big heart. You think you’re not perfect but you are perfection to me.”
He narrows his eyes at me and drops his hands from my chin running his long fingers through his tousled hair. “Everyone has scars, whether they’re on the surface of our bodies or on the inside, hidden in our souls. We’ve just gotten good at hiding them. Give me a chance to love you. All of you. I want those parts you’ve hidden so deep inside you. . .those parts you think are unworthy of me loving. I want those. I crave them. I can’t promise to fix you but I promise to be there when you need me. I just want to be there to hold you when you cry.”
Tears roll down my face. He tucks me against him and wraps his hands around me so tight, I feel everything in me piece together.
“That’s the most breathtaking thing anyone has ever said to me, Cole. And Yes. Oh God. I love you. I love you, too. I was so scared of telling you.”
“Don’t ever be afraid to tell me what’s on your mind. We’re in this together. Silver lining, right?”
I nod and then laugh. “We got to ‘I love you’ even though we have never been on a date.”
He raises a brow. “We have been on a date. Several dates. Every minute we spend together is a special date. The roof, the cafe, St. Christopher’s.”
Boom. There goes my heart again.
A whistle cuts through the air, jolting me from the kiss. God, what’s gotten into me? I’ve never been the kind of girl to kiss in public, not that I’d ever done it before.
I lean back and close my eyes, pressing my forehead to his.
“Ahoi, you two freaks. Deaf and dumb, and a cutter.” My body stiffens. God, why can’t they just leave us alone?
“What?” he asks when he feels my body’s reaction.
I shake my head. “Let’s go home.”
Cole must sense trouble because his nostrils flare, his mouth tightens and he rips his gaze from mine, darting it around the pool area.
His gaze is hard, uncompromising. “What did he say to you? And don’t tell me it’s nothing. If you don’t tell me, I will go and ask him myself. We are not leaving until I know what he said.” His fingers are a bit too fast, so he has to say some words aloud, which seems to aggravate him even more.
Tears prick the back of my eyes. I take Cole’s face in my hands and force him to look at me. “Not worth it. Silver lining, remember?”
I bite my cheek, scrambling for something to say that will hopefully ease the storm brewing on his face.
“I want the truth, Nor,” he signs-speaks.
I sigh. “He called us ‘freaks’.”
Cole grabs my hips, lifts me off his lap and sits me on the lounge chair. He stalks toward the two guys, the muscles on his back bunching and flexing with every movement.
Scrambling to my feet, I dash after him, hoping to intercept him.
“What do you want, Deaf Boy? Can you hear me?” The idiot with the black hair shouts, sneering at Cole.
Oh God. Where is Josh?
I search around the pool, praying under my breath for him to appear. I have a feeling, given the dangerous vibes coming off Cole in droves and cracking the air around us, I won’t be able to stop him. I turn back to Cole and tap him on his shoulder to catch his attention, but he shrugs my finger off his body. He reaches down and grabs one of the guys by his throat. Black Haired idiot is slightly taller than Cole, but my boyfriend packs more muscle. He hauls him up and drags him back until they hit a wall. I’ve never seen him like this before and it’s frightening. Someone yells there is a fight going down. Yet, no one intervenes. I feel like I’ve left my body and am now watching everything from a distance, unable to control it.
Josh suddenly appears before me. A whoosh of air leaves my chest as he dashes to his brother’s side. Somehow he manages to make Cole let go, but Blondie springs to his feet, probably thinking Josh is here to help his brother by kicking his friend’s ass. He raises a fist, ready to take down Cole. Rage like I have never felt grips me by the throat. It drives me forward with my hand locked in a fist. I swing back and aim for the boy’s jaw but end up slamming into his shoulder. He blinks at me stunned and before I can think twice, I jump on his back, locking my arms around his neck. He swings around in circles, trying to dislodge me, but I’m smaller and my grip is surprisingly strong. Someone plucks me off Blondie’s back. I kick and squirm reaching out for the jerk in front of me who is busy rubbing his chin. I must have clocked him one.
“Calm down, Nor,” Josh whispers in my ear. I stop fighting and look over my shoulder. He’s grinning wide and shaking his head. “Jesus. You’re a little ball of fire, aren’t you?”
I huff and attempt to wiggle out of his arms, but he tightens his hold on me.
“Cole won’t be very happy if you end up getting hurt. So between a pissed off Eleanor and a raging Cole, I choose him.”
I stop fighting him and watch Cole prowling up and down, his chest rising and falling fast. One of the lifeguards is standing in front of him, trying to keep him from pouncing on the guy with the dark hair, who is now sitting on the floor, rubbing his neck. He’s jaw is already sporting a red mark where Cole’s fist connected with his face.
Shit. If he presses charges, Cole will be in trouble. Then I remember that my father is part of the Willow Hill police force.
Crap!
Panic steals my ability to breath. I point at the two boys and yell to the lifeguard, telling him they started it.
“He knows,” Josh murmurs, finally dropping his hands from my waist. “Are you calm, Nor?”
I nod glancing around the pool. People are laughing and others are pointing at the two boys, Blondie is glaring at me from behind the lifeguard’s shoulder.
“You’re going to pay for this,” the black-haired boy croaks. “I’m going to press charges.”
The lifeguard swings around to glare at him. “You will not press any charges.” His voice is scary low, making the boy cower under the full weight of it. “You started it. You press charges and you will have me to deal with. Come on, get out of here, you little piece of shit.”
The boys scramble to their feet, and head for the lockers with their heads hanging.
The lifeguard turns to face us, sparing Cole a look. “You okay?”
Cole gives him a curt nod, a muscle ticking furio
usly in his clenched jaw.
“Let me know if they cause any more trouble,” Lifeguard says, his eyebrows raised. “Jesus, how old are you again? Where did you learn to fight like that?” He shakes his head and walks away, looking over his shoulder once.
Cole wipes the blood seeping from the gash on his top lip with the back of his hand and then signs, “You okay?”
I nod. “You?”
He nods.
“Let’s go home, then. We’ve had enough excitement for one day,” I say.
When we pull up in front of the Holloway house, Cole turns on the overheard light and shifts on the seat to face me. His mouth tips at the corners. “You jumped on the guy’s back? You’re a little more savage than I thought. I like it.”
I swat his chest as he laughs deeply.
“My little savage Snowflake. Dainty on the outside, but a fighter on the inside.”
This time I laugh. I don’t really have anything to say because I’m basking in his words. I tilt my head up, making sure he can see my mouth. “Thank you for standing up for me.”
“They can talk shit about me. I don’t care. I’m used to it. But when it comes to you, I’m not above hurting anyone. I don’t care who they are.”
“You can’t prevent people from talking, Cole. You can’t fight all my battles. I’m learning to stand up for myself and that is what matters.”
“It doesn’t mean I won’t try.” He clenches his jaw. “I don’t want you to fight them alone. I want to be at your side when you do.”
“I would love that. Thank you, Cole.”
“You two make me proud,” Josh sign-speaks before hopping out of the car and sauntering toward his front door.
Cole and I follow suit. He walks me to my door and pulls me into a tight hug.
“See you at ten,” he signs.
I bite the corner of my lip. “One more thing. Will you be my date for the Winter Formal?”
He shifts on his feet a bit, looking uncomfortable. “Crowds are not my thing. I feel overwhelmed when people try to talk to me.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” I can’t even begin to imagine how that feels for him.
“You should go. Don’t miss it because of me,” he says, raising his hands to cup my face in his palms.
I shake my head and wrap my fingers around his wrists. “I’d rather spend the evening with you.”
He opens his mouth, ready to argue but I stop him with my finger against his lips. His face softens as he studies me. The worried look on his face fades, replaced by a boyish grin spreading across his face. “I have two left feet. Are you okay with that?”
“Are you sure?”
“I changed my mind, just in case some weird guy decides to ask you to the dance. I will be devastated. And the thought of you in someone else’s arms, while I am in my room waiting for you to come home, kills me. If you want to go to the Formal, I am your date.”
I laugh, push myself on my tiptoes and press my lips to his in a kiss. I pull back and release his wrists and sign, “Thank you.”
“Anything for you,” he signs, then says aloud, “You are turning me inside out, Snowflake.”
Laughing, I break away from his hold and turn to walk toward my house. I love you so much it physically hurts to be away from you even for a second, Cole, I whisper inside my head.
THE DAYS FOLLOWING MY DAD and Maggie’s argument have been some of the most difficult ones that I’ve had in a long time. Cole knows something is wrong. I’ve seen the way he looks at me, waiting patiently for me to open up. And I will.
Today, Cole and I are double dating with Simon and Megs. It’s our first date and I’m pretty excited about it. She mentioned there was this new posh Italian restaurant that she has been dying to go visit. I’m not exactly sure what I should wear, which is why I’m standing in front of my closet, staring at my meager wardrobe collection. I duck inside and unhook the heavy lace, mint green dress from the clothes hanger, straighten the black bow-tie around the waist to give it more fluff and lay it on the bed. I dash out of the room and head downstairs to grab my Keds, but freeze when I hear Dad’s raised voice. I retrace my steps, my heart thudding inside my chest and stop outside my mom’s room. I lean forward and press my ear on the door.
“I really need the money, Carol. Please.” His voice is low now, pleading. “I’ll pay it back. I promise, I will.”
“How can you ask me to lend you money from our daughters’ college fund? I can’t do that to them,” Mom says in a barely audible voice. “This money is for their future.”
Dad roars, followed by a thud. I jump back from the door, my eyes wide.
“You useless bitch. That was our money. If it weren’t for those worthless little shits, it could have been ours.”
“Don’t you dare talk about my daughters like that,” Mom says in a raised voice. I’ve never heard her speak to my father like that. “You know very well my mom and dad set up that account for them. I chipped in from my own savings. You never bothered to help out. So don’t go around blaming them for your own stupidity.”
Silence follows my mother’s words. I wait, holding my breath. What kind of trouble is he in?
The door flies open without warning. Dad almost knocks me down as he storms out of the room. I stumble away to avoid being trampled, and press my back on the wall behind me.
He glares at me, and I swear I’ve never seen so much loathing in anyone’s eyes. “You and your sisters are nothing but pain in my life. You ruined everything for me.”
Fear and anger scorch my veins, but the latter wins out. I fist my hands at my sides. “Then why don’t you leave?”
His eyes widen at my insolence. “Because your pathetic mother is like a leech, stuck on me and sucking me dry.” He narrows his glare at me. “Look at you, standing there, confronting me. You fall apart and cut yourself instead of facing a challenge like a true Blake. You make me sick. My own blood wouldn’t be as weak as you.”
He turns and stomps down the stairs. Tears burn my eyes as his words rip apart the confidence and resistance I’ve spent the last year building up.
My own blood wouldn’t be as weak as you.
“Honey?” My mom’s voice breaks through the deafening crash of my flailing emotions as they try to find something to hold onto.
My feet turn to face her, but my body is too heavy.
“Why do you stay with him? Why can’t you leave him?” I plead.
“It’s. . .it’s complicated.”
“What could be more complicated than this?” I yell, sobbing. “You know what? I can’t do this, Mom.” I shuffle down the stairs and race out the door barefoot. Dad’s car is already gone by the time my foot hits the hard ground on the sidewalk. I let my instincts take over as I race to find the comfort I desperately need, welcoming the sharp pain from the gravel on my bare skin.
When I finally get back home, the soles of my feet are raw, but I feel much better than when I left. I head to the shower, making sure to avoid my mother. I resent her for her stubbornness and whatever stupid reason she has as to why she still stays with a man, a monster, who has made his mission in life to make everyone around him miserable.
After dressing in my pretty dress and sneakers, I put on the necklace Cole gave me for my birthday and head downstairs to the kitchen. I empty the jar we use for grocery shopping money, and leave.
I wander along the aisles, adding what we need in the cart. I have two more hours until our double date. I pull out my phone and text Megs, asking her if it’s okay to chill at her place before we leave. I need the distraction and someone to talk to before I drive myself crazy. She texts me back to let me know that she’s at Spinners cafe and will be heading home soon.
I turn down an aisle heading for the tampon section and look up from my list. My step falters as I come face to face with packs of disposable shavers on a shelf. I should be able to look at them without fear. Blood roars in my ears and my scars start to itch, shooting tingles to my toes. I remember how good I us
ed to feel when that sharp pain on my skin took over.
The sense of control. My hands start to shake with need and I have to ball them into fists as I fight the urge. My body vibrates, eager for that fix. People continue to mill around me. A woman’s voice asks me if I am okay. I nod, fighting for breath. Fighting for control. I close my eyes and see myself in a tunnel and the light that will save me is that pack of razors.
My own blood wouldn’t be as weak as you.
I’m not weak. I’m not weak. I’m not weak.
I open my eyes, and stare ahead. I can walk past this shelf without turning into my former self, craving for a fix. Maybe if I just touch the pack, I’ll feel better. I reach for the shelf, but something holds me back. There is a war in me; angels versus demons, fighting to own me. I’m in my own personal Hell and only I can get myself out of it.
My own blood wouldn’t be as weak as you.
I’m stronger than this and I’ll prove him wrong.
Suddenly, my feet are moving. I abandon my shopping cart and sprint toward the exit, blindly swerving around the other shoppers.
I burst through the doors and run to my car. My hands are still shaking too much. I can’t fit the key to the lock. A strange sound is coming from my chest, and I can’t stop it.
“Ma’am? Are you okay?” A man’s voice says. I shake my head, tears rolling down my face.
“Work, damn it,” I hiss, trying to over and over to shove the key into the lock.
Turning around, I slump back on the car and slide to the ground, the keys gripped tightly in my hand. I drag my legs up and drop my face on top of my knees. I breathe in and out for several moments. Tears stream down my face and my chest aches. It’s not as bad as it was when I was inside the store. A sweet kind of pain presses on my palm, making me momentarily focus. I lift my head from my knees and unfold my hand. The car keys tumble to the ground and the rush fades. I grab them from the ground and extend my arm, then drag the sharp edge on my skin. Adrenaline shoots through me. A sense of euphoria sings through the blood in my veins as I watch a few drops of blood pop up in the jagged cut.
