[2016] Alone and Pregnant

by Christian Michael

  “He may be nice but all men have a mean side.”

  Millie knew her sister spoke out of hurt. “Morgan, you’ve got to at least try to get to know him before you make up your mind about him.”

  “Look Millie, I didn’t ask for this. Any of it.”

  Millie felt the sting of Morgan’s words—she was talking about more than just their train ride out west, but Millie couldn’t help but feel personally affronted.

  “I’m sorry but—” The train lurched forward and Morgan and Mille both reached out hands to brace themselves against the sudden slowing.

  “What’s going on?” Morgan gasped.

  “I don’t know?”

  Cries rose up around the train but one word sent ice-cold fear through Millie’s heart—Native Americans.

  Chapter 2

  Lloyd’s pulse thudded through his veins like the pounding of horse’s hooves. The train Morgan and her sister were coming in on had been delayed by a week due to a Native American attack. He’d learned of the news early on but felt helpless as to what he could do. He couldn’t leave Josie with anyone and even if he did race off to save her there was no telling what he would find.

  Word had come that the train would finally be arriving that day but he didn’t know what he would find. Would Morgan be all right?

  He placed the platform but halted as soon as he heard the sound of the train, then he stopped, Josie in his arms, and watched. Lloyd barely dared to breathe, but soon the train came to a stop and several passengers got off. One of them was a woman with dark hair and slight frame with red-rimmed eyes. Could it be Morgan? He knew she had negotiated with him to bring her sister along but this girl was alone.

  Chancing speaking with the wrong girl, he stepped forward. “Morgan Hoff?”

  The girl jerked, as if his words had shocked her, and looked up at him. Her lip trembled and he could see that she’d been crying.

  “She was my sister,” the girl said.

  His heart plummeted. Was?

  “I—I don’t understand.” Josie began to fuss and he readjusted her position in his arms. The girl’s eyes dropped to his daughter and the shadow of a smile flitted across her features before it was gone, replaced by grief.

  “She died in the attack on the train.” More tears filled her eyes and she reached up to place a hand over her mouth.

  “I—” he halted, unsure of what to say. He was well acquainted with grief but it never helped to say that. “I'm sorry.” He looked at her—really looked—and realized she was exactly like he had pictured Miss Hoff, that is, Morgan.

  They had started writing letters on extremely formal terms and it had become a bit of a joke. Something he’d been shocked by really, but Miss Hoff—Morgan—had such a healthy sense of humor that it had helped him laugh again.

  She’d finally told him her name was Morgan, but he would always think of her as Miss Hoff just as he wished she would call him Mr. D as she’d come to do. She claimed it was after a favorite novel by Jane Austen but he liked that she had a nickname for him—even if it was formal.

  None of that mattered now. She was dead—yet another woman in his life whom he’d come to care about snatched away from him.

  He snapped back to reality. Her sister was here without her. What was he supposed to do?

  “I…I’m not quite sure what to do,” he admitted honestly.

  She seemed to rally, wiping her tears. “I'm sorry. I’m not myself. I’m Millie Hoff. I’m pleased to meet you Mr. D—Dutton. Please, call me Millie.”

  He started. Had she almost called him Mr. D? No, he thought. He shook his head; he was imagining things now. “Why don’t we go to the parish house? I’d arranged for you and…well I’d arranged housing here.”

  She nodded and, before he could say anything else that could prove to be more painful than helpful he led the way through the towns streets toward the parish house.

  His thoughts wandered as he held Josie close. What was he to do with Millie? She had come out West to accompany her sister and he’d agreed seeing as he’d rather have a wife and her sister than no wife at all, but now he only had the sister. It was an awkward position to be put in, but even thinking that made him feel guilty.

  What was Millie Hoff thinking? Did she wish to return home? Did she expect to stay? What was he going to do?

  ***

  Millie’s thoughts were scattered about. Mr. D—Lloyd Dutton—was exactly as she’d pictured him from his humors descriptions. She’d written foolishly to him with humor and without a care to what he would think of her at first. She’d insisted on calling him Mr. D as he insisted on calling her Miss Hoff and they had progressed from there.

  But seeing him here—and feeling the loss of Morgan—she wasn’t sure what to do. Tell him that it was, in fact, she who had written to him this whole time? Or would he think she was just lying to stay? Worse yet, would he be angry for the subterfuge?

  The heavy blanket of grief rested over all of her thoughts though. The terrible images of the attack, the last moment she’d seen Morgan alive before she’d fallen and gotten knocked out. The memory of waking up to see her sisters body beside her. She felt sick to her stomach and rested a hand over her abdomen.

  She’d not only lost a sister but a niece or nephew as well. It was enough to make her cry for days—and she had. But now, though the tears rested just beneath the surface, she had to be strong. Had to find a way to maneuver the difficult situation of telling Lloyd the truth about her and Morgan.

  He wouldn’t want a liar as the mother of his child though…she knew that much about him. Was there any hope he could understand?

  They reached the front of the parish house and he knocked, sending her an apologetic look. “I’ll have someone bring your trunk here for you.”

  She nodded once, her eyes flitting to the little girl in his arms again. The child was just as he’d described her. Cherub like and adorable. She wanted to hold her, but now was not the time to ask.

  When the door opened a kindly older man smiled back at them. “Oh yes, hello Lloyd. Please, please come in.”

  They stepped inside and a woman smiled back at them from her place by the stove. “Good to see you again, Lloyd. And look, you brought that little angle with you.”

  She watched as he forced a smile and then looked back at the pastor. “Could I have a word, Peter?”

  The man smiled kindly back at Millie then returned his gaze to Lloyd. “Of course. Why not hand off that bundle of joy to the lady here. She looks quite capable.”

  He smiled at her and she had the strange feeling he could read her thoughts. His smile widened when Lloyd handed Josie over and she cradled the little girl against herself.

  “We’ll be right back ladies,” Peter said.

  Millie watched the disappear out the front door again and knew they were going to talk about her. More precisely—what to do with her.

  “Welcome, dear,” the woman said. “I’m sorry my husband is no good with introductions. I'm Anne and that was Peter.”

  “Hello,” she said, her voice small. “I’m Millie Hoff.”

  “Ah yes, the sister, correct?”

  Millie knew what she meant and almost wanted to correct her—she was the sister who was supposed to be the bride—but she couldn't say it. Couldn’t force herself to tell what she and her sister had done to Lloyd. The deception and the lies.

  “Yes, I’m Morgan’s sister.” At least that was the truth.

  “Come and sit. They shouldn’t be long.”

  Millie considered the woman. “Did you know about Morgan’s death?”

  “We heard about the attack,” she said with a heavy sigh. “Seeing only you, and the look on your face, tells the rest of the story.” She placed a cup of coffee in front of Mille and sat down, leveling her gaze on her. “How are you dear?”

  Millie wanted to beg off her probing question, but she felt her heart crave the ability to talk about.

  “I—I feel lost.”

  “
I understand,” Anne said. “She was your sister. It will take time to process her loss.”

  “Yes,” she agreed, “But I don’t know what to do now.”

  Anne regarded her, her gaze dropping to the babe in her arms, then coming back to rest gently on her. “All things will work out—I am confident of that. It will just take time.”

  Though she barely knew this woman, there was something in the way she spoke that soothed Millie.

  It would take time.

  Well, of everything she didn’t have, time was one thing she had too much of.

  Chapter 3

  Lloyd rubbed the back of his neck as he stared Peter down. “I just don’t know what to do.”

  “Well, what is to be done?”

  Lloyd’s head snapped up. “What is—I can’t just marry her sister because the woman I was going to be married died. I mean…it’s not like they didn’t have the item you wanted in the general store so you picked up something else.”

  “No, no, of course not,” Peter said, his expression softening. “I just mean to ask if you have considered your options?”

  “Of course I have,” he snapped. Then he softened his expression. “I'm sorry. I just…I wasn’t expecting any of this.”

  “I dare say she wasn’t either.”

  “No, of course not. I can’t imagine how she’s feeling.”

  “That’s just it. You can.”

  “True.” Admitting that was like admitting Nell’s death all over again. “But that doesn’t mean anything.”

  “I see it this way,” Peter said, “You can’t know anything unless you talk with her.”

  Lloyd felt his frustration mounting. He respected Peter and came to him often for advice, but the man had a knack for saying wise things without saying much of anything. He had a way of asking questions and hinting at things like no one else Lloyd had ever met.

  “But…” Lloyd faltered.

  “You’ve lost the potential for one wife, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t another option for you.”

  “Are you saying I should marry the sister?”

  “I’m saying you should talk with her. Get to know her and help her wrestle through the stages of grief she’ll go through. You understand those better than most. And be a friend to her.”

  Lloyd heard everything the pastor said, but all he could think of was how his plans had failed massively. Was he supposed to take care of this woman? Had she now become his responsibility?

  “Lloyd,” Peter said, resting a hand on his arm. “She can stay with us and you two can have the conversations you need to. Don’t over think it.”

  Lloyd knew that was exactly what he was doing, but could he help it? He had a daughter to think of and work to do and…He released a huge sigh. “I’ll try.”

  “Good, now let’s get back in there. Don’t want to leave that poor girl with Anne too long. She’ll talk her ear off.”

  Lloyd cracked a smile and they went back inside to find the two women talking, Josie asleep in Millie’s arms. The sigh was painfully familiar to him, but he pushed past the memories. It wasn't the time to be thinking about his past or future struggles. He just needed to be here, in this moment.

  “There you two are,” Anne said, pulling a loaf of bread from the oven. “Not that I mind the company though. Peter, you didn’t formally meet Millie did you?”

  Lloyd watched as Peter came up to Mille, resting a gentle and calming hand on her shoulder. “It’s good to meet you dear. I'm glad you’ll be staying with us for a time.”

  Millie’s eyes flitted between the pastors to Lloyds then back. “Y-yes, me too.”

  Lloyd cringed. He should have been the one to tell her, but here he was worried about what he would do when she had just lost her sister in a violent attack. Peter was right, he’d only been thinking of himself and not how she would be feeling.

  He thought back to when he’d lost Nell. Everyone wanted to talk to him—to tell him how sorry they were and to make sure he knew without a doubt that they were there for him to talk about it all. He hadn’t wanted any of that though. He’d just wanted silence. A time to rest and to not have to answer the difficult questions about how he was doing or what he was feeling.

  He stepped toward her. “Would you like to rest?”

  Her eyes sought his. He softened his gaze with a half-smile. “I assume you may want to rest and…have some time. Alone.”

  Realization dawned and she nodded, grateful. “That would be nice.”

  He accepted the bundle of his daughter and Anne stepped over. “I’ll show you to your room, dear.”

  Before she left Lloyd reached out his free hand. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon and we can talk.”

  She nodded and left with Anne.

  “Perceptive,” Peter said from his chair by the window.

  “I just remember needing time.”

  “Exactly.”

  Lloyd shot Peter a look and caught the hint of a smile on the man’s face. The man was wise if not slightly infuriating at times.

  ***

  Millie fell into a restless sleep the moment her head hit the pillow. She slept and woke, slept and woke. Every time she opened her eyes it took her a moment to adjust to her new surroundings. Her thoughts would fly to Morgan then the tears would begin. It was a cycle she thought she’d never truly break until sometime in the early morning she slipped into deeper sleep.

  When she woke with sunlight streaming through the window she blinked groggily, wondering if she’d overslept. Then again, what did she have to get up for? Her entire life had changed in the span of a few weeks.

  What would she do?

  She thought of Morgan and then felt the hurt inside of her well up again just as someone knocked on her door.

  “Are you awake dear?”

  “Yes,” she called out, sitting up in the bed.

  Anne pushed the door open with one hand and brought in a tray with the other. I thought you may like to stay in bed a little longer so I brought you some breakfast.

  “You are too kind,” Millie said.

  “Nonsense dear, you’re our guest.”

  Anne turned to leave but something made Mille call out. “Anne…”

  “Yes?” She turned around, expectantly.

  “Have you…have you lost anyone?”

  “Oh dear,” Anne said, coming to sit on the bed beside Millie. “I’ve lost my fair share of loved ones. My sister was the hardest though.”

  Millie felt like a hot poker had been stabbed into her heart, the pain overwhelming. “I—I don’t know what to do? How to…to handle the pain.”

  Anne wrapped her arm around Millie. “The first thing is to do is to trust that God’s plan is best. I know that may seem like the hardest but it is best. Then second thing to do is to allow the hurt to just be…”

  Millie looked up at the woman. “What do you mean?”

  “We try and move past it because we don’t like pain so we don’t think about the loss. I don't think that’s the way to go about dealing with loss. We must face it—no matter how painful that is.”

  Millie thought the idea of facing Morgan’s loss sounded terrible, but she trusteed that Anne knew what she was talking about.

  “It’s not easy, dear. Take your time with it, but don’t ignore it. That’s the surest way to turn into a bitter, hard person.”

  “Thank you,” Millie said. She didn’t necessarily feel better, but she did appreciate the woman’s words of wisdom.

  “Now eat and rest, I believe Lloyd will be here in a few hours.”

  Millie watched the woman go and thought about her words. She needed to feel things in order to deal with them. It made sense, though she didn’t look forward to that process.

  Then she thought of Lloyd. He would come to talk with her but then what would happen? Would he send her back East? Did he even have the money for another train ticket back? She didn’t want to go back—had nothing to go back to.

  But she couldn't stay here witho
ut some form of a plan. Could she stay with Peter and Anne? She hated to count on their kindness and hospitality without having some way to pay them back. Could she get a job? She had done work as a seamstress; though she didn’t enjoy it she would gladly do what she could if it meant earning enough to sustain herself.

  Part of her, a very small part that she barely gave notice to, wished that Lloyd would ask her to marry him. It seemed like too much to hope for though. She had seemed mostly cold toward her last night, as if knowing she wasn't his indented created a chasm between them. But did it?

  She knew things about him from their letters, things she couldn’t share without giving away the fact that she and her sister had planned—and succeeded—in tricking him. Millie felt awful about that now, but what was done was done.

  She turned her attention toward the tray of food Anne had brought in and began to nibble on things. Soon Lloyd would be there and she would need to face him, even if she wasn’t sure what she would say to him.

  Chapter 4

  Lloyd left Josie with Anne and walked with Millie out toward the path that led down to the river that ran not too far behind the church. It was a beautiful day and the sun beat down on them making Millie’s red hair shine like flames. It was thick and strands of gold ran through it. When the caught the light his gaze was drawn to them.

  They walked in silence that Lloyd didn’t know how to break. He had a million things running around in his mind, most of them attempts at planning out his—and inadvertently her—future. But all of his thoughts were focused on himself and what would be best for he and Josie. That wasn’t fair to Millie.

  “How are you doing?” he asked, feeling like it was the required question.

  “Fine, thank you.” Her response was equally required and he immediately hated the fact he’d given in to such a simple question. Of course she wasn’t fine. Sometimes he felt he was the most unfeeling person…

  “I’m sorry for…all of this,” he began. “I can imagine how difficult this all must be for you and you probably just with you were back home with family and—”