by Daniel Defoe
ebbed out; and by this time I had gotten timber, and plank, andiron-work enough to have built a good boat, if I had known how; and alsoI got at several times, and in several pieces, near one hundred weightof the sheet-lead.
June 16. Going down to the sea-side, I found a large tortoise or turtle:this was the first I had seen, which it seems was only my misfortune,not any defect of the place, or scarcity; for had I happened to be onthe other side of the island, I might have had hundreds of them everyday, as I found afterwards; but perhaps had paid dear enough for them.
June 17. I spent in cooking the turtle; I found in her threescore eggs;and her flesh was to me at that time the most savory and pleasant thatever I tasted in my life, having had no flesh, but of goats and fowls,since I landed in this horrid place.
June 18. Rained all day, and I stayed within. I thought at this time therain felt cold, and I was something chilly, which I knew was not usualin that latitude.
June 19. Very ill, and shivering, as if the weather had been cold.
June 20. No rest all night, violent pains in my head, and feverish.
June 21. Very ill, frighted almost to death with the apprehensions of mysad condition, to be sick, and no help. Prayed to God for the first timesince the storm off Hull, but scarce knew what I said, or why; mythoughts being all confused.
June 22. A little better, but under dreadful apprehensions of sickness.
June 23. Very bad again, cold and shivering, and then a violent headach.
June 24. Much better.
June 25. An ague very violent; the fit held me seven hours, cold fit andhot, with faint sweats after it.
June 26. Better; and having no victuals to eat, took my gun, but foundmyself very weak; however, I killed a she-goat, and with much difficultygot it home, and broiled some of it, and ate; I would fain have stewedit, and made some broth, but had no pot.
June 27. The ague again so violent, that I lay abed all day, and neitherate or drank. I was ready to perish for thirst, but so weak I had notstrength to stand up, or to get myself any water to drink. Prayed to Godagain, but was light-headed; and when I was not I was so ignorant, thatI knew not what to say; only I lay and cried, "Lord look upon me! Lordpity me! Lord have mercy upon me!" I suppose I did nothing else for twoor three hours, till the fit wearing off, I fell asleep, and did notwake till far in the night; when I waked, I found myself much refreshed,but weak, and exceeding thirsty: however, as I had no water in my wholehabitation, I was forced to lie till morning, and went to sleep again.In this second sleep I had this terrible dream.
I thought that I was sitting on the ground on the outside of my wall,where I sat when the storm blew after the earthquake, and that I saw aman descend from a great black cloud, in a bright flame of fire, andlight upon the ground. He was all over as bright as a flame, so that Icould but just bear to look towards him; his countenance was mostinexpressibly dreadful, impossible for words to describe; when hestepped upon the ground with his feet I thought the earth trembled, justas it had done before in the earthquake, and all the air looked to myapprehension as if it had been filled with flashes of fire.
He was no sooner landed upon the earth, but he moved forward towardsme, with a long spear or weapon in his hand to kill me; and when he cameto a rising ground, at some distance, he spoke to me, or I heard a voiceso terrible, that it is impossible to express the terror of it; all thatI can say I understood was this, "Seeing all these things have notbrought thee to repentance, now thou shall die:" at which words Ithought he lifted up the spear that was in his hand to kill me.
No one, that shall ever read this account, will expect that I should beable to describe the horrors of my soul at this terrible vision; I mean,that even while it was a dream, I even dreamed of those horrors; nor isit any more possible to describe the impression that remained upon mymind, when I awaked, and found it was but a dream.
I had, alas! no divine knowledge; what I had received by the goodinstruction of my father was then worn out by an uninterrupted series,for eight years, of seafaring wickedness, and a constant conversationwith nothing but such as were, like myself, wicked and profane to thelast degree. I do not remember that I had in all that time one thoughtthat so much as tended either to looking upwards toward God, or inwardstowards a reflection upon my own ways. But a certain stupidity of soul,without desire of good, or conscience of evil, had entirely overwhelmedme, and I was all that the most hardened, unthinking, wicked creatureamong our common sailors can be supposed to be, not having the leastsense, either of the fear of God in danger, or of thankfulness to God indeliverances.
In the relating what is already past of my story, this will be the moreeasily believed, when I shall add, that through all the variety ofmiseries that had to this day befallen me, I never had so much as onethought of it being the hand of God, or that it was a just punishmentfor my sin, my rebellious behaviour against my father, or my presentsins, which were great; or so much as a punishment for the generalcourse of my wicked life. When I was on the desperate expedition on thedesert shores of Africa, I never had so much as one thought of whatwould become of me; or one wish to God to direct me whither I should go,or to keep me from the danger which apparently surrounded me, as wellfrom voracious creatures as cruel savages: but I was merely thoughtlessof a God, or a Providence, acted like a mere brute from the principlesof nature, and by the dictates of common sense only, and indeedhardly that.
When I was delivered, and taken up at sea by the Portugal captain, wellused, and dealt justly and honourably with, as well as charitably, I hadnot the least thankfulness on my thoughts. When again I was shipwrecked,ruined, and in danger of drowning on this island, I was as far fromremorse, or looking on it as a judgment; I only said to myself often,that I was _an unfortunate dog_, and born to be always miserable.
It is true, when I got on shore first here, and found all my ship's crewdrowned, and myself spared, I was surprised with a kind of ecstasy, andsome transports of soul, which, had the grace of God assisted, mighthave come up to true thankfulness; but it ended where it begun, in amere common flight of joy, or, as I may say, _being glad I was alive_,without the least reflection upon the distinguishing goodness of theHand which had preserved me, and had singled me out to be preserved,when all the rest were destroyed; or an inquiry why Providence had beenthus merciful to me; even just the same common sort of joy which seamengenerally have, after they have got safe on shore from a shipwreck,which they drown all in the next bowl of punch, and forget almost assoon as it is over; and all the rest of my life was like it.
Even when I was afterwards, on due consideration, made sensible of mycondition, how I was cast on this dreadful place, out of the reach ofhuman kind, out of all hope of relief, or prospect of redemption, assoon as I saw but a prospect of living, and that I should not starveand perish for hunger, all the sense of my affliction wore off, and Ibegan to be very easy, applied myself to the works proper for mypreservation and supply, and was far enough from being afflicted at mycondition, as a judgment from Heaven, or as the hand of God against me:these were thoughts which very seldom entered into my head.
The growing up of the corn, as is hinted in my Journal, had at firstsome little influence upon me, and began to affect me with seriousness,as long as I thought it had something miraculous in it; but as soon asever that part of thought was removed, all the impression which wasraised from it wore off also, as I have noted already.
Even the earthquake, though nothing could be more terrible in itsnature, or more immediately directing to the invisible Power which alonedirects such things; yet no sooner was the first fright over, but theimpression it had made went off also. I had no more sense of God, or hisjudgments, much less of the present affliction of my circumstances beingfrom his hand, than if I had been in the most prosperous conditionof life.
But now, when I began to be sick, and a leisurely view of the miseriesof death came to place itself before me; when my spirits began to sinkunder the burden of a strong distemper, and nature was exhausted withthe violenc
e of the fever; conscience, that had slept so long, began toawake, and I began to reproach myself with my past life, in which I hadso evidently, by uncommon wickedness, provoked the justice of God to layme under uncommon strokes, and to deal with me in so vindictivea manner.
These reflections oppressed me from the second or third day of mydistemper, and in the violence, as well of the fever as of the dreadfulreproaches of my conscience, extorted some words from me, like prayingto God, though I cannot say they were either a prayer attended withdesires, or with hopes; it was rather the voice of mere fright anddistress; my thoughts were confused, the convictions great upon my mind,and the horror of dying in such a miserable condition, raised vapoursinto my head with the mere apprehensions; and, in these hurries of mysoul, I knew not what my tongue might express: but it was ratherexclamation, such as, "Lord! what a miserable creature am I! If I shouldbe sick, I shall certainly die for want of help, and what will become ofme!" Then the tears burst out of my eyes, and I could say
