by Daniel Defoe
no more for agood while.
In this interval, the good advice of my father came to my mind; andpresently his prediction, which I mentioned in the beginning of thisstory, viz. that if I did take this foolish step, God would not blessme, and I would have leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglectedhis counsel, when there might be none to assist in my recovery. "Now,"said I aloud, "my dear father's words are come to pass: God's justicehas overtaken me, and I have none to help or hear me: I rejected thevoice of Providence, which had mercifully put me in a posture or stationof life wherein I might have been happy and easy; but I would neithersee it myself, nor learn to know the blessing of it from my parents; Ileft them to mourn over my folly, and now I am left to mourn under theconsequences of it: I refused their help and assistance, who would havelifted me into the world, and would have made every thing easy to me;and now I have difficulties to struggle with, too great for even natureitself to support, and no assistance, no help, no comfort, no advice."Then I cried out, "Lord be my help, for I am in great distress!"
This was the first prayer, if I might call it so, that I had made formany years. But I return to my journal.
June 28. Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, andthe fit being entirely off, I got up: and though the fright and terrorof my dream was very great, yet I considered, that the fit of the aguewould return again the next day, and now was my time to get something torefresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing Idid, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon mytable, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguishdisposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum intoit, and mixed them together; then I got me a piece of the goat's flesh,and broiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about,but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a senseof my miserable condition, dreading the return of my distemper the nextday. At night I made my supper of three of the turtle's eggs, which Iroasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell; and this wasthe first bit of meat I had ever asked God's blessing to, even, as Icould remember, in my whole life.
After I had eaten I tried to walk; but found myself so weak, that Icould hardly carry the gun (for I never went out without that): so Iwent but a little way, and sat down upon the ground, looking out uponthe sea, which was just before me, and very calm and smooth. As I sathere, some such thoughts as these occurred to me:
What is the earth and sea, of which I have seen so much? Whence is itproduced? And what am I, and all the other creatures, wild and tame,human and brutal? whence are we?
Sure we are all made by some secret Power, who formed the earth and sea,the air and sky; and who is that?
Then it followed, most naturally: it is God that has made it all: well,but then it came on strangely; if God has made all these things, heguides and governs them all, and all things that concern them; for theBeing that could make all things, must certainly have power to guide anddirect them.
If so, nothing can happen in the great circuit of his works, eitherwithout his knowledge or appointment.
And if nothing happens without his knowledge, he knows that I am here,and am in a dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without hisappointment, he has appointed all this to befal me.
Nothing occurred to my thoughts to contradict any of these conclusions;and therefore it rested upon me with the greater force, that it mustneeds be, that God had appointed all this to befal me; that I wasbrought to this miserable circumstance by his direction, he having thesole power, not of me only, but of every thing that happened in theworld. Immediately it followed,
Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus used?
My conscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I hadblasphemed; and methought it spoke to me, like a voice; "Wretch! dostthou ask what thou hast done? look back upon a dreadful mispent life,and ask thyself what thou hast not done? ask, why is it that thou wertnot long ago destroyed? why wert thou not drowned in Yarmouth Roads?killed in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee man of war?devoured by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa? or, drowned here,when all the crew perished but thyself? Dost thou ask, What haveI done?"
I was struck with these reflections as one astonished, and had not aword to say, no, not to answer to myself: but rose up pensive and sad,walked back to my retreat, and went up over my wall, as if I had beengoing to bed; but my thoughts were sadly disturbed, and I had noinclination to sleep; so I sat down in my chair, and lighted my lamp,for it began to be dark. Now, as the apprehensions of the return of mydistemper terrified me very much, it occurred to my thought, that theBrasilians take no physic but their tobacco, for almost all distempers;and I had a piece of a roll of tobacco in one of the chests, which wasquite cured, and some also that was green, and not quite cured.
I went, directed by Heaven, no doubt; for in this chest I found a cureboth for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what I lookedfor, viz. the tobacco; and as the few books I had saved lay there too, Itook out one of the Bibles which I mentioned before, and which, to thistime, I had not found leisure, or so much as inclination, to look into;I say I took it out, and brought both that and the tobacco with me tothe table.
What use to make of the tobacco I knew not, as to my distemper, orwhether it was good for it or no; but I tried several experiments withit, as if I was resolved it should hit one way or other: I first took apiece of a leaf, and chewed it in my mouth, which indeed at first almoststupified my brain, the tobacco being green and strong, and that I hadnot been much used to it; then I took some, and steeped it an hour ortwo in some rum, and resolved to take a dose of it when I lay down; andlastly, I burnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose close overthe smoke of it, as long as I could bear it, as well for the heat as thevirtue of it, and I held almost to suffocation.
In the interval of this operation I took up the Bible, and began toread; but my head was too much disturbed with the tobacco to bearreading, at least at that time; only having opened the book casually,the first words that occurred to me were these: "Call on me in the dayof trouble, and I will deliver, and thou shalt glorify me."
The words were very apt to my case, and made some impression upon mythoughts at the time of reading them, though not so much as they didafterwards; for as for being delivered, the word had no sound, as I maysay, to me; the thing was so remote, so impossible in my apprehension ofthings, that I began to say as the children of Israel did, when theywere promised flesh to eat, "Can God spread a table in the wilderness?"So I began to say, Can God himself deliver me from this place? And as itwas not for many years that any hope appeared, this prevailed very oftenupon my thoughts: but, however, the words made a very great impressionupon me, and I mused upon them very often. It grew now late, and thetobacco had, as I said, dozed my head so much, that I inclined to sleep;so that I left my lamp burning in the cave, lest I should want any thingin the night, and went to bed; but before I lay down, I did what I neverhad done in all my life: I kneeled down, and prayed to God to fulfil thepromise to me, that if I called upon him in the day of trouble, he woulddeliver me. After my broken and imperfect prayer was over, I drank therum in which I had steeped the tobacco, which was so strong and rank ofthe tobacco, that indeed I could scarce get it down. Immediately uponthis I went to bed, and I found presently it flew up into my headviolently; but I fell into a sound sleep, and waked no more, till by thesun it must necessarily be near three o'clock in the afternoon the nextday; nay, to this hour I am partly of the opinion, that I slept all thenext day and night, and till almost three the day after; for otherwise Iknew not how I should lose a day out of my reckoning in the days of theweek, as it appeared some years after I had done; for if I had lost itby crossing and recrossing the line, I should have lost more than a day;but in my account it was lost, and I never knew which way.
Be that however one way or other; when I awaked, I found myselfexceedingly refreshed, and my spirits lively and cheerful; when I gotup, I was strong
er than I was the day before, and my stomach better; forI was hungry; and, in short, I had no fit the next day, but continuedmuch altered for the better: this was the 29th.
The 30th was my well day of course, and I went abroad with my gun, butdid not care to travel too far: I killed a sea-fowl or two, somethinglike a brand goose, and brought them home, but was not very forward toeat them: so I ate some more of the turtle's eggs, which were very good.This evening I renewed the medicine which I had supposed did me good theday before, viz. the tobacco steeped in rum; only I did not take somuch as before, nor did I chew any of the leaf, or hold my head over thesmoke; however, I was not so well the next day, which was the 1st ofJuly, as I hoped I should have been; for I had a little spice of thecold fit, but it was not much.
July 2. I renewed the medicine all the three ways, and dozed myself withit at first, and doubled the quantity which I drank.
July 3. I missed
