Barns, Blood and Rock and Roll

by Joe Zito

  July 10th 1986-

  I slept dreadfully last night. I can’t even call it sleep; had another nightmare. I could feel Red Brown breathing on me and that horrible screaming in the background. I tried to wake myself up but it was impossible. I was outside, I think in our cornfield this time. It was so hot. And then she was there right in front of me just as always swinging her hatchet with that smile on her face. She said something to me but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I’m so tired now, but I have to get ready for school.

  August 8th 1986-

  Had a super cute sub today in history class, he winked at me a couple times. It took my mind off of the dream I had last night at least. They seem to be getting worse.

  October 19th 1986-

  Celebrated granddads birthday today, had a goodtime. I think I ate too much of grandmas sugar cream pie though. I can see the sun going down from my bedroom window. My stomach is sinking with dread at falling asleep. She’ll be there again tonight as always right at the foot of my bed.

  January 4th 1987-

  So it’s a new year. I hope I can find some peace within my dreams. I doubt I will though. It seems the more I have these horrible dreams the more I hate her. She killed my mom and now she is haunting me in my sleep.

  March 18th 1987-

  We had a practice tornado drill today at school. As we were making our way down the hall to the shelter area I saw Angel at the end of the hall. She was just standing there staring at me. I know no one else saw her. She was covered in blood and smiling at me just as she does in my dreams. I pray that this was only a one time event; just my imagination from being so tired every day from no sleep.

  April 10th 1987-

  I got in a fight today at school which has never happened. This girl would not keep her mouth shut and kept getting in my face. I don’t know what she has against me, I just wanted to get my stuff out of my locker and get to my next class. She just kept pushing me and it really set me off. I pulled her by her hair down to the floor and I kicked her in her stomach over and over again. I’ve never lost my temper like that. It scared me. I know the school called my house today. I heard grandma talking on the phone downstairs. She never said anything to me about it even at dinner or when we were alone in the house after granddad went outside to work in the barn. Why is she not yelling at me? She’s walking around as if nothing ever happened.

  April 12th 1987-

  I just woke up. It’s 4:30 a.m. This was the worst nightmare yet. I’m so cold; I’m shivering and sweating at the same time. I feel like I could throw up. Angel was here again as always but in this dreadful dream I was sitting up in my bed, looking out the window into our cornfield. I saw something in the distance hanging in the sky like it was floating or something. It was getting closer and I realized it was her. I tried to move but I was frozen to my bed. A frightening chill went through me as she got closer to my window. Her black hair flew all around her as in slow motion. When she got up to my window she put her hands on the glass and raked her fingernails down the glass. They made an awful screeching sound and then she began screaming at the top of her lungs right outside my window. And then I finally heard with my own ears what she has been trying to say to me in past dreams, and that was ‘I bathed in her blood’. In my dream I suddenly remembered that night in my room when I asked grandma who Angel Larson was and at Sam’s store when I asked if she really sucked all my mommy’s blood gone. Then out of nowhere Angel was at the foot of my bed in the dark laughing crazily with blood all over her. She jumped onto my bed and came at me, her bloody face rushing towards me in the dark. Her face was right in front of me as she screamed ‘I bathed in her blood’. And then I woke up. I feel so sick right now. My mind is racing with all these thoughts. How could she do that to my mom? Why am I having such terrible nightmares? Why do I feel this strange mix of fear and overwhelming curiosity about her? I am so glad tomorrow is Saturday.

  May 16th 1987-

  I had sex for the first time tonight. I can’t say that it was great either. The guy I’ve been dating, he’s a senior and he’s wanted to be with me for a while. I guess I finally caved. He was gentle but it still hurt and it didn’t feel good, especially with the rubber he was wearing. It really was a catastrophe because I started bleeding. It wasn’t my period either. I felt so embarrassed because he stopped, he thought he hurt me. I got blood on his bed sheets, plus I was paranoid the whole time about his parents coming home. When I got home I ran upstairs and took a shower, I can still smell him on me. It hurts so bad down there. I wish I could talk to grandma about this, I don’t think she could handle it though. I just wish I had someone to talk to. I feel so filthy and embarrassed yet still very horny. It’s confusing.

  June 17th 1987-

  I’ve been up all night staring at the ceiling. It’s been thirteen years since my mother died all those years ago. The dreams haven’t stopped. I don’t think they ever will.

  April 10th 1988-

  I turned sixteen today and holy crap I got a car! Woopeee! No more sitting around being bored, I can just go! I totally shit my pants when granddad told me to take a look out by our barn. There it was sitting right by the tree. It’s a blue chevy; cavalier I think? Doesn’t matter to me, it has wheels! I think I’m more excited now than when they got me a puppy when I was seven. I love janey though. She’s a good dog. It’s been a great birthday and as always I ate to much sugar cream pie.

  June 3rd 1988-

  I’ve had my car for two months now. I love it! I know grandma is secretly going crazy worrying about me driving. There is something though that’s been on my mind ever since I got it. Today after school I thought about taking a drive out to Devils Bluff. I’m not sure if I should go there or not.

  August 17th 1988-

  Grandma brought home some more clothes today for me. She’s been doing it for years. And I’m totally cool with it. She always tells me that if she’s out and about she’ll pick up something that I might like. Somehow she has good taste because I love everything she buys me. I am so spoiled.

  October 12th 1988-

  Oh my god. I can’t stop shaking. I can barely write. It’s three in the morning and I just had the worst nightmare yet. There was so much blood. Stop crying Amy just calm down. I wanna yell for grandma but I’m not twelve and thirteen anymore and……………I just threw up, but I don’t think it’s because of nerves. It’s because that dream was so sickening and scary. A scary bloody place where I found your mommy, jesus christ Red, get out of my head please! ……………I’ve been up for a half hour now and have school in the morning. I don’t think I’ll be going back to sleep. I can’t stop staring out the window. She’s out there right now staring back at me.

  November 4th 1988-

  I was in the bathroom peeing and I could hear my grandparents having sex downstairs through the vent. I couldn’t stop laughing at first. But then something came over me. I feel sick writing this but I guess this is what a diary is for right? I just finished my period yesterday and I’ve been so goddam horny since. The more that I heard coming from the vent……….This is so hard to write about. I didn’t flush the toilet at first because I didn’t want them to hear me. I never heard Susan like that. I feel so disgusted with myself doing what I did. But I couldn’t help it. That’s all it was anyway, it was just sex sounds. It’s no different from hearing a dirty movie playing in the other room and getting turned on by it. I still feel so ashamed for feeling aroused and then touching myself. I could smell my pee. I thought it smelled really good. It was turning me on and those sounds too, which I hate to admit. I’ve never played with myself while on the toilet. I think I like it though.

  Febuary 13th 1989-

  I hate winter!

  March 21st 1989-

  It’s finally spring, yessss! But there’s still 6 inches of snow on the ground. Fuck you Indiana!

  April 10th 1989-

  I’m seventeen today, another year another birthday. No big gifts this year. That’s ok. Grandma g
ot me this cool grey skirt. I’m surprised she got it for me because it’s kinda short. I like it a lot. It shows off my legs which I have to say are pretty sexy. Mom had nice legs to. You’re so pretty just like your mommy. And there’s another voice.

  April 14th 1989-

  We had career day at school today. Business’s from all around were in the gymnasium; colleges too. They were all set up with someone to talk to about life after high school. Thirty different opportunities and I couldn’t find one that interested me.

  May 8th 1989-

  I went to the library today to look at some old newspaper articles on the Bludenhale Massacre. The more I dream about Angel, the more I feel the need to know more about her it seems, and I don’t know why.

  June 6th 1989-

  Today is the last day of school! Can’t wait to bolt out of this hell hole. It’s been a rough year. I basically haven’t slept all year because of the nightmares. I’m actually getting used to them. But somehow I made it and now it’s on to my senior year. Megan wants me to go with her to a party tonight. She said she would pick me up. I like Megan but I’m afraid of becoming too close. Did you ever have a best friend Amy?

  June 7th 1989-

  I got blitzed last night. Thank god Megan drove. There was no way I could. Drank a half bottle of wine and had three shots of Jim Beam. I’ve never been drunk before. My head is throbbing right now and I could throw up. But I did sleep without dreams last night.

  August 18th 1989-

  Megan and I were at Cherrybombs tonight. I’ve never been in there. I’ve never had a reason to. She has this grand idea of becoming a dancer. She says they make a ton of money and she’s already eighteen. When the owner was done talking to Megan, he asked me if I wanted to take a shot at dancing. I told him I was only seventeen and he told me to come see him when I turned eighteen. He was really nice but kinda creepy a little. I think his name was Jack. After we left I dropped Megan off at her house. I finally built up enough nerve and drove out to Devils Bluff. I shouldn’t have. I was scared to death, especially with all that corn around me and it was dark to. I went past the dirt path that leads to that garage. I felt angry all of a sudden. Angry at that bitch who won’t stay out of my dreams and who killed my mom. I’ve never felt so much hatred before. It kind of scared me, more than being out there in the dark and the idea of Angel jumping out of the corn with her hatchet.

  November 4th 1989-

  It’s 3:20 in the morning. Had another nightmare. This one was pretty bad. I dreamt I was being strangled to death. She was there at the foot of my bed and covered in blood. Then as I lay flat on the bed in my dream, her black hair began wrapping itself around me, confining me to my bed. I could feel it getting tighter and tighter. I could feel my guts bursting inside of me. It was horrible. She raised her hatchet as if to chop me to pieces and then I woke up. I think I’m going crazy. I’ve been having these nightmares since I was twelve. And sometimes I think I see her when I’m awake. I wish I had some of that Jim Beam to help me sleep.

  February 17th 1990-

  I was walking down the hall today, bringing my clean laundry to my room and as I walked past my mom’s room I swore I heard music playing. It sounded really familiar. I never go in there. Grandma says I’m not allowed to.

  March 11th 1990-

  I’ve been really horny lately. I don’t know what it is. I think about sex all the time, and touching myself to. I’ve been with four guys in two years. That’s not so bad I guess. I’ve gotten a lot better at sex and I actually like it a lot now. Sometimes I think I like it too much. I feel guilty when I think of what it would be like to be with a girl.

  April 10th 1990-

  Hello eighteen! I’m officially an adult today. I don’t feel any older. I can finally buy cigarettes legally now. Ok, I have to confess that I took up smoking three days after my seventeenth birthday. We’re having another career day a school soon. I haven’t a clue of what I want to do after high school. I keep thinking of that club Megan and I were at and how that guy told me to call him when I turn eighteen. My grandparents would kill me If I did something like that. I know I don’t want to work in some factory or a warehouse. Dancing sounds fun.

  May 20th 1990-

  Something very terrifying happened to me today at school. A wide awake nightmare is what I call it. I’ve been having them a lot lately. I’m so scared. I really feel like I’m going crazy. It was in history class. The fucking teacher who I hate started in on local history of Bludenhale. He started talking about the massacre and everyone kept staring at me and looking over at me. I felt so uncomfortable. I felt like he was doing it on purpose to try to get me to talk about it or some bullshit. Finally he went on to something else thank god and it was then when I saw Angel from the corner of my eye. Everything seemed to slow down. I saw her open the door to the classroom. She was covered in blood as usual. She was pulling something behind her. I could hear my heart beating slowly in my chest. And then I saw what was in her hand. It was my mother’s head and she was dragging her body across the classroom floor leaving a wide trail of her blood behind her. I froze in horror in my seat. I looked on in terror at the sickening vision in front of me. She pointed at me. Drops of blood fell from her finger to the floor. Then she stopped just a few feet in front of my desk. She put her hands on her hips and started playing with her hair. Then she lifted my mother up to her mouth and she opened her mouth wide and…………….I just threw up in the bathroom. It seems as though my nighmares are coming alive in my mind. I don’t what is real and what isn’t. I’m so frightened. And no one knows about this dark and scary world I’ve been living in since I was twelve years old. I’ve never told anyone about the nightmares. It is so dark in this world of mine.

  June 17th 1990-

  I went to Cherrybombs today. I guess the owner isn’t as creepy as I thought. He was actually very nice. Almost fatherly like, I know that sounds weird but I felt really comfortable around him. He talked to me about working there as a dancer. He told me he thinks I would really be good at it. He showed me around the place and where the girls change. When he told me about the money possibilities it really got my attention. He told me to think about it but there was no thinking it over for me. I knew I was in the right place and that I wanted to do it, even when he asked me a year before that time with Megan. I don’t what it was but I feel so at ease and at home in there. Plus he gave me a free shot of Jim Beam, told me it was on the house. I smiled at him and asked him when I could start. He looked really happy when I asked. I came home around ten this evening. Grandma was on the couch crying, holding a box of tissues and a photo album on her lap. She’s done this as long as I can remember every June 17th. I feel so sad for her sometimes. I want to go to her and hug her sometimes but I’m not sure if I should or not. I hope I sleep well tonight. I got a bottle of Jim Beam I bought from rite aid today. The cashier was cool about it and didn’t give me any problems about buying it.

  July 1st 1990-

  It’s three fifteen in the morning and I just got home from my first night at Cherrybombs. I made one hundred and seventy five bucks. I was so nervous when I first got there. Some of the other girls gave me shitty looks like they were jealous or something. I just stayed to myself. I did like Lauren though. She is a little older than some of the other girls. She hung out with me for a while and talked to me about the business. Jack let me go on kind of early, so it wasn’t real packed. My stomach was in knots when I first got up there. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it and I kept thinking of how upset grandma would be with me. I just blocked it all out and started moving. I don’t even remember the song I danced to. I just started dancing. Then something happened on the inside of me. I felt strangely at peace and so comfortable up there. It just felt right. Jack let me go up a little later and that’s when the money came flying at me.

  September 2nd 1990-

  I haven’t said anything yet to my grandparents about my new ‘job’. I’m going to try to keep it quiet for as lo
ng as I can. I really love it but I don’t want to disappoint grandma.