Soft Kisses and Birdsong (Riversong Book 2)

by Lynnette Bonner

  That was when a nearly imperceptible peace stole over him. He almost didn’t recognize it at first, but gradually his breathing eased, his pulse slowed, and his muscles relaxed.

  “This is what You called me to do. And here I am freaking out at one of the first obstacles. Of course she’s not going to trust me right away.”

  Something nudged at the back of his mind and he grasped for it. Pastor Duncan asking him, ‘Is Jesus enough for you? There’s no halfway with God.’ Jett’s admonition that ‘Jesus is enough.’ And a following silence that was filled with the atmosphere of question. As though the Lord was asking him, Am I Enough?

  And suddenly Landon knew. He trembled with the insight of it. “Yes. Yes, You are enough. Even if she never takes me back, I’ll never walk away from You again.”

  He was crying in earnest now and he half laughed as he scrubbed his palms over his cheeks and pushed the Bible back so that he wouldn’t drip on it.

  Verse after verse that he’d read as a kid, or even as a skeptical adult, washed over him.

  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

  “Thank you, Lord.” He swiped more tears.

  Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

  “Help me to never look back, Lord.”

  “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

  “Yes, Lord. Help me to make You my treasure.”

  He stayed on his knees thanking God, and praying for the strength he might need to let Zai go if that was what she chose.

  After that, he tossed in a few supplications that God would help Zai soften toward him, because he figured that God probably understood the heart of a man who loved someone so much that he didn’t want to give her up, and yet would if he had to.

  Zaire’s arm was aching like nobody’s business by the time she got home that evening. She wanted nothing more than to climb the stairs and fall into her bed and sleep for twelve hours. But her mother was waiting for her in the entryway when she walked inside. She immediately felt her defenses rise. “Mom, can we just call a truce for now? Please?”

  Mom shook her head and stretched her arms wide, her face softening into a look of love mixed with regret.

  Zaire studied her, trying to comprehend the change from the woman she’d left yelling after her in the kitchen this morning.

  Mom’s eyes were red-rimmed as though she might have been recently crying. “No, darling girl. We can’t. We need to talk. There’s something I need to tell you.”

  Zai set down her purse and allowed Mom to pull her into an embrace. She withheld a wince and swallowed away the lump in her throat. She hadn’t seen this side of Mom in a long time.

  After giving her a gentle squeeze, Mom looped her arm through Zaire’s good one and directed her toward the kitchen. “I have some dinner waiting for you.”

  The mention of food sent a rumble through Zaire’s stomach loud enough for her mother to chuckle over. Zaire had never made it to Golden Loaves for lunch.

  Zaire smiled tiredly. “Yeah. I guess dinner sounds good. Thanks, Mom. I’m sorry for the way I snapped at you this morning.”

  “Oh, honey… I was out of line too.” Mom wrapped one arm all the way around her and squeezed her close.

  Zaire almost wasn’t able to withhold her gasp of anguish that time as pain stabbed through her chest. Maybe she should ask Mom to hold off on the sweetness at least for a couple weeks until her ribs had healed. She bit back a smirk, mostly because she could see how seriously Mom was taking this conversation.

  “I’m so sorry that you have felt for all these years that I was blaming you for Landon’s leaving. That was not the case at all. And it’s time we sat down and talked.”

  In the kitchen, Zaire glanced at the table which was set for two. “Where’s Dad?”

  “Your father went out to dinner with some of his golfing buddies.”

  Zaire’s brows went up at that. If mom had one, firm, hard-and-fast rule it was that the Kitzers always ate dinner together. Mom really must have something important she wanted to talk to her about. The table was set with silverware and cups, but there was no food in sight. “Is there something I can do to help?”

  Mom waved her hand towards the table. “Sit, sit, sit. I’ll just pull the plates out of the oven. Won’t take but a few seconds.”

  Zaire sat. And only a moment later, Mom bustled over from the oven and placed a warm plate before her. Zaire’s mouth watered. Her favorite—steak and tortellini, drizzled with alfredo sauce and accompanied by a side of roasted asparagus. “Wow, Mom. Thanks. Where did you get this? I didn’t even know I still had steak in the house.”

  The line of mom’s mouth softened, as she sat across the table and put a napkin in her lap. “Did a little shopping today.”

  Zaire’s concern rose to the fore. “You can’t be spending a lot of money on me, Mom. I know you and Dad have things tight enough, as it is.”

  Mom waved away her protest. “Your dad and I are staying here too, and we needed groceries at our house just as badly as you needed them here. So it’s all a wash in the end. Say grace.”

  Zaire obediently bowed her head, and spoke a quick succinct prayer.

  After that they ate in silence for several long minutes. Zaire would have started the conversation, but Mom was the one who had called this meeting to order, so she figured it was best to let her begin. What could have brought about such a change in her demeanor today?

  After the silence had stretched so tight that a quarter could have bounced off it, Mom finally set her knife and fork on the edge of her plate. She lifted her gaze to Zaire’s. “Honey, all day I’ve been trying to find the words. But there’s just no easy way to say this.”

  Zaire swallowed. Stopped eating. Held her breath.

  Mom blew a lungful of air between pursed lips before she said, “There’s something that you don’t know about your father and me.”

  Zaire took a sip of water, her attention never leaving Mom’s face. Her palms grew clammy, and she couldn’t have said exactly why.

  Mom pushed her plate back from the edge of the table and folded her arms on the surface, leaning forward.

  Zaire knew right then that whatever it was must be very serious. Mom wouldn’t abandon her etiquette over something trivial. She swallowed. Not sure that she was ready to hear what Mom was about to say.

  “When you were little, just two, your father left me.”

  Zaire inhaled, disbelief coursing through her. She adjusted her knife and fork on the plate and pushed her half-finished meal away, trying to comprehend what Mom had just said. She fought against the sludge of her thoughts, trying to process, but nothing seemed to compute. “What?”

  “We never told you, because we did not want that to be our legacy. Jonah eventually realized he had made a mistake and came home to apologize. I took him back mostly for your sake.” At Zaire’s look which must have revealed her shock, Mom hurried on. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned to love him again. But it was hard. There were many years where I wondered if I had made the right decision. But through all of that my one desire was to help you to make better choices than I had. To choose a man who would never leave you for another woman. And I thought that you had made a good choice in Landon. And then when he left I realized that I had failed.”

  Zaire remained still, feeling stunned into silence. She felt a little sick and wished she hadn’t eaten so much of the meal her mother and placed in front of her. She pushed her plate even farther away. “Dad…had another woman?”

/>   Mom nodded. “For a short time, yes.”

  Zaire’s heart broke on the catch in Mom’s words. “Oh, Mom. I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

  Mom stood from the table and started clearing the plates.

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

  “You were a kid. We wanted you to enjoy your childhood and not be burdened with the knowledge of it.”

  “And when Landon left? You could have told me then.”

  Mom nodded. “Yes. I suppose we could have. But you were in so much pain of your own by that point that we didn’t want to layer more on top of it.”

  Zaire thrust her fingers into her hair and clutched her skull, trying to come to grips with what Mom was telling her. And why she was bringing this up now? Surely she didn’t feel responsible? “From where I’m sitting none of this issue between Landon and me is your fault.”

  Mom brushed a trembling hand at some crumbs on the counter. “I guess that’s probably true.”

  “You guess? Mom… I’m trying to understand why you felt like you should bring this up now? But I’m having a hard time putting it all together. Help me understand.”

  Mom started to reply, but then snapped her lips together and spun away. She took some Tupperware out of the cupboard and started portioning leftovers into it.

  Zaire waited a few moments, but when Mom didn’t speak, she finally added. “I should probably tell you here that Landon didn’t leave me for another woman.” She rested her forehead into her palm. “At least that’s what he says. And I think I believe him.”

  Mom lifted her eyes from her task. “When did he tell you that?”

  “Today. At the store. He came by after he stopped here.”

  Mom scraped the plate she was holding so hard that her fork grated against the surface. “I see.”

  There was something Zai still needed to understand. “So…all this time you’ve been so angry, but not at me? Who then? Yourself? Why?”

  Mom blew out a breath and planted her palms against the counter. “I’m not sure I have a logical explanation for that. I just feel like I should have prepared you better. Maybe if I’d told you about your father sooner you would have seen whatever it was in Landon that made him leave you. I don’t know. I didn’t even realize how churlish I’d become until you let me have it this morning. I’m so sorry. I just felt so strongly that I’d failed you, hadn’t prepared you somehow for”—she waved a hand—“I don’t even know what for.”

  “You didn’t fail, Mom.”

  Mom’s lips pursed in that particular way she had when she disagreed with someone but didn’t want to say so out loud.

  Zaire let the back of her chair take all her weight. Mom’s reaction was not unlike her own had been for all these years, was it? Hadn’t she been blaming herself for not doing or being or offering more to Landon to keep him from leaving her? She glanced over at Mom. “I guess blaming ourselves is what we Kitzer women are pretty good at, huh?”

  Tears shimmered in Mom’s eyes now. She was still leaning against the counter as though she were afraid she might collapse if she moved away from it. “I’m just so sorry that you’ve felt I was angry with you for all this time. I should have seen how my actions looked to you.”

  Zaire couldn’t help a teary chuckle. “Hey, let’s not start blaming ourselves for blaming ourselves.”

  That even got a wisp of a smile from Mom. “I suppose it could be a never-ending circle couldn’t it?” Mom swept a hand through the air, as though to brush that part of the conversation aside. “Back to your earlier question about why I’m bringing this up now. I guess it is long past time we talked about it. I’m sorry I didn’t prepare you better for marriage. And I wanted—”

  “Mom,” Zaire interrupted before she could go further. “This was not your fault. Even Landon admits that he ran because he was afraid I would see him as a failure. His business was going under and he never told me.”

  Mom dashed at her eyes, and then just looked at Zaire and the question in her expression was clearly readable.

  “Yes. He wants to get back together with me.” Zaire let her head fall forward into her hands.

  “And that’s the other reason why I felt like we needed to talk about this right now.” Mom’s footsteps shuffled closer and the creak of the chair across the table revealed she had sunk into it once more. “As meddlesome as you might feel this question is…how do you feel about that?”

  Zai shook her head, still not sure what she felt. “Terrified. Elated. Like a masochist for even considering it. And yet excited about the future all at once.”

  Mom’s sigh was audible. “I want you to know that I had a long talk with your father today. And he let me have both barrels too. I’ve been harboring resentment for a lot of years. Feeling like a martyr because I did the right thing even after he’d treated me so poorly. But it turns out that for years, he’s felt I was holding that over his head. And”—she sighed and looked out toward the lake—“maybe I was. I thought my anger was directed at myself, but maybe I was still harboring some anger toward Jonah, and Landon’s leaving just churned it all up. And then I let it spill over into the way I interacted with you. I suppose I was too close to the trees to see the forest of my own failures these past couple years. It took your harsh words this morning to jolt the truth home on that point.”

  “Mom, I’m really sorry about that.”

  “No, please don’t be. I’ve repented of the way I’ve treated both you and your father. And I’m working on being able to forgive Landon.” At Zaire’s sharp look she hurried on. “You’re my baby girl. I hoped for better for you. And loving someone who mistreats your child is a lot harder than loving someone who’s mistreated you, I guess. But I need you to know… I’m going to try to do better in the future.”

  Zaire suddenly felt her decision weighing even more heavily than before. “Mom, what am I going to do about him?”

  Tears welled in Mom’s eyes again. “That’s not a decision I can make for you, honey. Life is hard after something like this. Even if you take him back, there will be years of things to work through. And I…just…didn’t want that life for you. But I think sometimes God asks us to risk big.” She lifted her hands. “And I’m not saying the Lord told me you should take him back. I just want you to protect your heart, but at the same time I realize that God doesn’t always allow us that safety. Love is risky. But it’s worth it. Your father has certainly shown me that over the years.”

  Zaire lifted her head. Exhaustion pressed at her from every side. “Will you pray for me? I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.”

  Mom nodded, more tears pouring down her cheeks. “Of course, sweetie.”

  “I think I need some time to process. I’m going out to the dock. Could you tell Dad I’d like to talk to him if he gets home soon?”

  Mom sniffed. “Of course, honey.”

  Zaire stood and enfolded her mother into a long hug, screaming ribs be hanged, before she slipped off her shoes and made her way across the back yard and onto the dock that stretched onto the softly lapping waters of Wintergreen Lake.

  CHAPTER 15

  After his prayer session and realization that he would be okay even if Zaire never came back to him, Landon still knew that he would go stark crazy waiting for her verdict if he didn’t keep himself busy.

  Keeping busy would also prevent him from pestering her to make a decision, when she’d clearly said she would let him know once she had.

  The truth was, he’d made his wishes pretty clear to Zaire now. And he’d given her space and time to adjust to his presence. But these last few days had thrown them together pretty closely for some extended periods of time. And he hoped that the time they’d shared would be a reminder to Zai of all they’d once had. He knew it was time that he stepped back again and let her make the next move.

  He’d always been a take-charge guy. But he didn’t want Zai feeling like he was pushing himself on her in any way. If she came back to him, he wanted it to be
one hundred percent her own choice. Well, that was a lie, he wanted to court her and woo her and force her to choose him again, but he knew that for them, that wouldn’t be the right way to go. He just needed to remain steady and show Zai that he was a different man than the one she’d been married to. And he would pray like mad that of her own free will she could learn to love the new man he’d become.

  So he dug out his computer and opened his video editing software. He may have quit his TV show for next season, but he still had some closing remarks he needed to record for ten of this year’s shows and get to his producer by next week.

  And he also had his YouTube channel to keep up with. He had several video clips that he’d already filmed showing various techniques for what to do in precarious situations. But he still needed to add voice-over and splice in the intro and outro clips that went with each of his how-to sessions.

  Plus, he had determined that for all future videos, he wanted to share a section of scripture and tell how that applied to his life. The Lord had been convicting him about taking the platform that He’d already blessed him with and using it to shine His light. So, he needed to do some searching through the Bible to find truths that he could accurately apply to each of his voice-overs and closing remarks. He wasn’t sure how his producer was going to feel about that. But he was bumping up against the deadline, so hopefully if he sent it to them at the last minute, they wouldn’t take time to edit out his spiritual emphasis.

  All of that should keep him good and busy and out of trouble and it might even help him keep his mind off the fact that just a few miles from here, the woman who had always held his heart was deciding whether she should cherish that heart with care, or drop it to the ground and pound it to dust beneath her little feet.

  And how could he blame her if that was her eventual decision? Wasn’t that exactly what he’d done to her heart when he’d left her?

  He groaned and roughed his hands through his hair.