A Billion Reasons Why

by Kristin Billerbeck

  “How would I know? It’s still today. We’ll figure out tomorrow when it happens. Rusty’s going out shrimping tonight. He should be back home by about ten in the morning.”

  “Dexter wants a time.”

  “So give him one,” Mam said. “We’ll work it out.”

  “Why don’t you come at eleven, Dex? I’ll make brunch.”

  “On a weekday?”

  “Yes,” she answered firmly. “Dexter, I need to talk to you about something. Maybe we’re rushing things a bit—”

  Dexter pecked her on the cheek. “We’ll talk tomorrow.” He jogged to the street as the cab pulled up. The trunk opened, Dexter tossed his bag inside, and soon only red taillights marked his having been there at all.

  Katie blinked slowly and wondered how to explain his strange behavior. At the same time, she wondered if maybe his social skills were skewed by the Bay Area’s lack of connection skills. Perhaps she’d become immune, and he ceased to stand out there. What if she’d made a terrible mistake? Correction, what if she’d made another terrible mistake?

  Mam grabbed her by the wrist, passed the settee in the living room, and walked up the stairs. She stared back with a look that said to follow her. Katie did.

  When they reached the top of the stairs, Mam opened a door, led her into her grayish-green bedroom with the old cast-iron bed, and crossed her arms. Like a metronome, when Mam stopped walking, the silence clamored for attention.

  “What was that?”

  “I don’t know, Mam. I’ve never seen him like that.”

  The questions came like bullets. “Why are you getting married to that man? Why are you home now? Why is Luc DeForges here in my house again? Why is your best friend on my gallery? What is going on? You come home for a visit and bring the entire state with you?”

  Katie shrugged.

  “I want an answer!”

  “Sorry, I thought it was a rhetorical question. The house is full of people I’ve never met.”

  “I invited them. It’s my house! Katie, that man is afraid of his own shadow. If someone breaks into your house, who’s going to beat him off with a stick? You?”

  “Well, I could.”

  “I know you could, but, Katie . . . I don’t understand it. All these years you waited. I thought you were waiting for Luc, but then you announce you’re marrying some stranger. I want to like him, sweetheart. But why now?”

  “I’m getting married because it’s time and I want to have a family.”

  “No, that’s why men get married. Women get married because they’re in love.”

  “I love Dexter but in a good, safe way. A healthy way, not where I’ll lose my mind and make a complete fool of myself in front of everyone we know.”

  “Katie, listen. I may be old, but I have not lost all my faculties. Tell me what you love about that man, besides the fact that he isn’t Luc DeForges. I will give him points for that much, but, Katie, tell me what I’m not seeing.”

  “You don’t like him, then?” Katie wrung her hands. “What did he do?” She couldn’t imagine what had Mam so agitated.

  “Tell me what you love about him.” Her mother sat on the bed and crossed her legs underneath her.

  It brought her comfort to watch Mam do that. It was the pose she used to take every night before she read a bedtime story and prayed over her.

  “Mam, he’s very bright. He went to MIT, and he’s—”

  “He can be as bright as the North Star, but if he can’t put two words of greeting together, he’s no match for you. You’re a social creature, Katie.”

  “Not nearly as social as I used to be.” Her shoulders fell. “I can’t defend him. I can’t defend myself. Mam, I kissed Luc today.” Without pausing she went back to describing Dex. “He’ll be a good dad. He’s very intellectual. He’s punctual. He’s had the same job since he got out of his PhD program, and that’s not easy to do in the consumer electronics field. Technology changes daily. He picks up on the new stuff and leads the way. He writes iPhone Apps for a hobby, and he’s made quite a lot doing that.”

  “What does he do with the extra money?”

  “I don’t know. It’s not my business.”

  “Why isn’t it your business? Your father didn’t make a dime that I didn’t know where it went. I didn’t ask, but he told me because he said if anything happened, I’d need to know. And I did, so your father was right. Ignorance is not honoring a man, Katie. Does he try to keep it from you?”

  “We just don’t talk about money. It’s not really an issue. We’re not married yet.”

  “What’s the last gift he gave you?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know?” Mam slid off the bed and went over to a wooden box on the antique dresser. She opened it, and “Some Enchanted Evening” began to play. Her mother dug both hands into the box and lifted out strings of glittering baubles.

  Katie studied them closer and saw familiar things: strings of pearls, saltwater and fresh, a garnet pendant, her mother’s birthstone, and lots of gold chains and ear bobs, as Mam called them.

  “That’s not fair. Dad’s grandfather was a jeweler.”

  “Dexter is not . . . he’s not kind, Katie.”

  Mam’s words had merit, and it surprised Katie that she couldn’t dispute them. Dexter did all the right things. He said all the right things, opened car doors for her, helped her on with her coat—but Mam was right, his actions weren’t marked by a benevolent spirit.

  “He brought me his extra suitcase to borrow,” she said.

  “Aha!” Mam said. “You saw the suitcase he had with him. Did he give you the good suitcase? Or take it for himself?”

  Katie slid her hand down the long bedpost.

  “That’s what I thought. You know, Katie, you can plan so that nothing goes wrong in life. But something will, and it won’t be what you expected to go wrong. So make sure you’re with someone who will help you bail the water out of the boat, not someone who will blame you for the hole.”

  “Mam, what’s going on down there?” She watched Olivia come up the walkway with Ryan on her arm. Ryan held a potted bromeliad that looked like a giant red pineapple, and two lawn chairs hung from his elbow. Several band members she recognized from the rehearsal also trotted up the walkway with cookies and various local treats in hand. It was then that she noted all the seating on the front porch and their sheer mass registered. Folding chairs, lawn chairs, deck chairs.

  “Oh, they’re here! I have to get down there. Katie, get some clothes on and come outside. Luc has a surprise for you!”

  Katie turned off the light, so she couldn’t be seen from outside, and tossed off her dress and pulled on a pair of jeans. She selected a lightweight cotton T with sleeves to fight off the mosquitoes. Then she went to the window and saw a large truck pull up into the street and two workmen get out and put orange cones around the truck’s perimeter. They brought out white folding chairs and set them in rows on the front lawn. On every third chair they placed a can of Off. Next they rolled a giant red popcorn machine off the truck and donned white hats and aprons. Neighbors started coming down the stairs and filling the seats.

  “They’re here already,” Mam shouted from the porch. “Katie, hurry up, child!”

  Katie landed on the front gallery. “I’m here.”

  “Eileen, run in and get some sodas,” her mother said.

  “I took care of all the drinks. Sit down and enjoy yourself, Irene,” Luc said. The workmen rolled off a wheeled refrigerator, the kind an ice cream man would push, and then hung electronic bug zappers on a nearby tree. Within a span of five minutes, the entire front lawn had been transformed into an outdoor movie theater. Judging by the wave of neighbors holding various snacks, Katie figured there must have been some kind of invitation.

  Luc thrust a flyer into her hand.

  YOU’RE INVITED TO A

  CLASSIC MOVIE NIGHT

  WHERE: MCKENNA-SLATER GARDEN

  WHEN: APPROXIMATELY 9 P.M
.

  ST. CHARLES AVENUE

  BRING FOOD TO SHARE.

  Within minutes the projector was set up, and the truck served as the movie screen. Katie marveled at how quickly Luc’s money could make something happen. “You did all this?”

  “I thought it would get us all in the mood for the wedding theme. Get it? In the mood?” He laughed.

  People streamed in and filled the empty white chairs in the garden one by one. Luc patted the seat beside him.

  “Dexter left before he got to see this,” she said.

  “I know. Bummer, huh?”

  “I want to go down where the popcorn is.” She skipped down the steps.

  The film started to spin.

  “Don’t you love that old sound of the movie rolling? I’ll go get us some sweet tea.”

  “It’s Casablanca.” She glanced at Luc. “Is this symbolic? Ilsa must choose between Rick, the dangerous love of her life, or Victor Laszlo, her husband and leader of the Resistance Movement. The past or the future. Desire or sacrifice. Casablanca or freedom. Love or honor.”

  “Love. Always love,” Luc answered. “This isn’t the French Resistance, and Dexter Hastings is no Victor Laszlo. Sometimes love and honor are the same thing. Forgiveness, the ultimate sacrifice.”

  He brought a chair beside her and sat down. As soon as the speaking parts began, Luc recited Rick’s lines. “Who are you really, and what were you before?” He pulled his fedora down on his forehead.

  As the Germans marched into Paris, Katie forced her eyes to the screen. “Maybe I’m not so noble.”

  Luc took her hand in his. “Maybe you are, but you’re defining honor incorrectly.”

  She ventured a gaze into Luc’s eyes. If it were only that easy. Love was more than a feeling, and wasn’t it more honorable to honor her vow? Or was it more honorable to listen to her mam and abandon herself to the unknown? Luc may not have been the marrying kind, but did that make it honorable to vow herself to another man who didn’t understand what Ilsa gave up? And never would?

  Chapter 15

  MOONLIGHT SERENADE

  Katie lay still in the dark while Eileen fidgeted in the bed beside her.

  Her friend exhaled. “You kissed him! When were you going to tell me?”

  “I was praying,” she said.

  “For forgiveness, I hope.” Eileen flicked on the light and threw something at Katie. “Here’s your love scrapbook. You left it behind. I brought it so you could doodle little hearts for Dexter. Wait, I mean Luc.”

  “Why are you mad at me? Because I made the same mistake twice and made a complete fool of myself today? Or because I’m marrying Dexter anyway?”

  “I’m mad because you don’t know what you want! You’d rather live like a Stepford wife than really love and be hurt.” Eileen picked up the book and slammed it down again. “I’m mad because you abandon that plan too, as soon as Luc gives you the time of day. And Luc can’t stay in one place for long, so I’m worried you’ll waste your life away waiting for someone else to make a move.” Eileen was crying, and she leaned over and hugged Katie. “I want the world to exercise. What do you want, Katie?”

  Katie thought for a long time. “I want to be unafraid.”

  God, please help me. I’m in love with the wrong man. Love is not a feeling. I can have power over my emotions, so, Lord, would you help me do that? Because if you wanted me to marry Luc, he would have said yes all those years ago. He would have come after me. He’s had eight years! Why won’t this go away? Luc only wants me now because Dexter has me. What am I doing wrong? I’ve prayed every day for this feeling to leave me. It’s not right. I know I sinned, Lord. I got emotionally involved. I did things you said not to do outside of marriage. Lord, is this my punishment? To spend the rest of my days longing for something that I can’t have, that I never should have tasted in the first place? I was young and stupid, but I’m not young anymore, so why do I still feel so stupid? I want to do the right thing. My memories of that night will never go away, but they haven’t changed either. Does that mean that I haven’t really repented?

  Everything seemed brighter the next day. More sunlight that morning, and with it came more clarity. She had to tell Dexter what happened the day before. Dexter, who seemed unchallenged by emotions such as passion, would never understand her impetuous behavior. There wasn’t any acceptable explanation. But did she want to spend her life with someone whose love had to be earned? No boyfriend would put up with Katie’s behavior, but Dex took it to a different level.

  Katie was her father’s daughter. She couldn’t marry without love, and the realization settled as a knot in her stomach. Love, she reasoned, should feel like love, not a contract easily broken when the other failed you. She hadn’t thought about the consequences of the contract being broken when love didn’t exist. After all, how would she explain it to her daughter—and she knew that it would be a daughter.

  —Momma, when did you fall in love with Daddy?

  —Ought to be pretty soon now, honey.

  She still believed in a practical partnership above a fiery yet waning passion, but she couldn’t marry Dexter, because her mam was right. He wasn’t kind. Every other annoyance about him was just a variation on that theme. He wanted her to behave a certain way, and when she didn’t, tiny rejections were the result.

  “Dexter’s downstairs,” Eileen moaned from the bed. “I can hear his monotone.”

  Katie didn’t jump to attention at the sound of Dex’s voice. She took the time to consider all that had changed. The fact that she might indeed be alone if she gave him up. Mam said it herself: Luc wasn’t the marrying kind. Making this choice was making the decision she could maneuver life’s uncharted waters alone, with only God as her guide.

  “You know,” Eileen went on, “if I had to wake up to that schedule . . . two poached eggs on Wednesday and Friday, fiber cereal the other days . . . oh, and oatmeal is in there somewhere.”

  “I don’t know why Dexter’s breakfast schedule bothers you so much. You’re just as bad. Did it ever occur to you that he’s the male version of my best friend?”

  Eileen bolted upright. “You take that back! As a health instructor, fiber could not be more important to me. But I do think . . . I do think the homicide rate would be even higher if I had to dwell with Dexter Hastings. You’re a better woman than I.”

  “Actually, I’m not,” Katie said. “He came all the way to New Orleans to get the ring and ask me to marry him properly . . . and I’m going to send him home alone.”

  “Katie! What are you saying? Do you mean my prayer worked? That you’re going to hold out for a guy with a whole name?”

  “All I’m saying is I decided it’s better to be alone than be married badly, and I think Dex and I aren’t that great together.”

  “This is huge! Katie, I like Dexter, I do. I just don’t like you with him. It’s like you’re this shell of yourself, and all the fun has been drained out.”

  “I feel bad for him. He came all the way here for me.”

  “He’ll get over it. It’s just like The Bachelorette! Remember the one where they stopped the train and dropped that guy in the middle of nowhere? That was cold. But in the end, isn’t it better than marrying Dex when you don’t love him the way you should? If you did, do you think Luc could have tempted you yesterday?”

  “You came here to help. Bringing Luc’s name into this isn’t helping. It’s got nothing to do with Dexter.”

  Eileen fluffed a pillow behind her and wrapped her arms around her knees. “I may not be helping, but I cannot say I am not going to enjoy this. Can I burn the faux romance scrapbook? Oh my gosh, when he was lecturing your mam on life insurance before you got here, I thought she was going to haul off and smack him.”

  The two of them giggled.

  “Stop,” Katie said. “We can’t be mean. I’m a terrible person, Eileen. Why did I agree to marry him if I don’t love him?”

  “You’re always on to the next goal. So now you hav
e your next goal. Go break Dexter’s heart. Trust me, it will be easier on him than it was on you all those years ago with Luc.”

  “What happened to him, Eileen? He was so sweet.”

  “That’s why you have an engagement, Katie. To find out the truth. I mean, there are annoyances one can live with and then there’s the crazy train—and any man who lets his fiancée to fly solo with Luc DeForges is on the crazy train.”

  Eileen leaped out of bed in her boy shorts and camisole and bent into the downward facing dog position, then rose into the cobra. “Come on down here. Nothing like a good stretch in the morning.”

  Katie closed her Bible. “I’ll stretch after breakfast.”

  “I didn’t press you last night, but I want to know what that kiss with Luc meant.”

  “How did you know about it anyway? Did Olivia tell you?”

  “Olivia saw you?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Well, she didn’t tell me. I saw it written on your face. Katie, he intoxicates you.”

  “If you had your way, I’d never forgive Luc.”

  “Forgiveness is you saying ‘Luc, it’s okay that you dumped me in front of the entire town and anyone who mattered in my life and your own. I forgive you. Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me, and I won’t be fooled again, Luc. I loved you until you reached in, grabbed my beating heart, pulled it out of my chest, kicked it across the floor, and stomped on it like a used cigarette butt. But I totally forgive you.’

  “Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting, and I’ve got a memory like an elephant.” Eileen cinched her legs closer to her chest. “Do you have a memory? Do you remember what he did to you? It’s not enough it was the humiliation of your life, but then you have to see him splattered over every tabloid with every two-bit Hollywood actress for the next eight years of your life? I mean, there’s forgiveness and there’s stupidity.”

  “Right. Stupidity. Kissing him yesterday was stupidity.” Katie spoke without conviction.

  “Like you believe that.”