He is his normal charming self during the phone call, asking me about my day and trying to make me laugh. My heart yearns to respond, but I hold myself back. When he asks me if he can see me the next day, I bring up an excuse and politely decline. At the end of the call, I tell him that I will be super busy the next few days because I have to get everything ready for school. He pretends to believe me, but I think we both know what is happening. I am taking back parts of me that I gave to him and he can’t do anything to stop it.
Monday roles in and brings with it the start of a new quarter at school. Nervous energy runs through body as I leave my penthouse for my first day of classes. The last day I went to school at UCLA was the day my life changed forever. I don’t ever want to remember that day, but the memories have a way of invading my thoughts at the most unfortunate times. I try to push those thoughts away, but nervousness over who I might run into and how my old friends would react if they saw me lingers.
I haven’t had any contact with my old friends since they all turned on me after that dreaded incident. I know that it’s only a matter of time before I see one of them at school, and the idea terrifies me. I get in my car and say a silent prayer that at least it doesn’t happen during the first week of school.
I walk into my first class and try to find a seat in the back of the class without attracting too much attention. I find an empty seat and put my backpack down without even looking to see who is sitting next to me. Once I am seated and settled, I turn my head around to look right into a pair of pale blue eyes that are most definitely checking me out.
He has an easy smile and messy blond hair, and he’s directing all of his charm at me. The way he’s staring at me makes me nervous. I quickly bend my head and start aimlessly looking through my textbook to appear preoccupied. I hear a small chuckle from his side, but I refuse to lift my head up.
The class goes by quickly and I try to concentrate on the professor and the subject rather than the handsome guy sitting next to me. If I’ve learned anything in the past few months, it’s that I have to put my life goals and aspirations ahead of any man who distracts me. That doesn’t stop me, however, from noticing from the corner of my eye how he keeps turning his head towards me throughout class.
His attention makes butterflies invade my stomach in full force. He is definitely good-looking and seems like a nice guy, but the idea of flirting with a new guy on my first day back at school terrifies me. As soon as the lecture is over, I grab my backpack and head out before he has a chance to say anything.
The rest of the morning goes by fast and I finally get to enjoy a quick lunch with my friend Mia. We talk about everything and anything, and as always her positive attitude and happy outlook rub off on me. The short lunch brightens my mood and helps me feel more at ease at school.
After lunch, I head back and walk into my third and last class of the day. As I walk in and start looking for an empty seat, I spot the guy from this morning in one of the seats in the back. He’s looking directly at me and smiling. This time I feel obligated to return his smile if only to not come across as rude. But I make sure to pick a different row to sit at and put as much distance as possible between myself and potential trouble.
When class is over, I get up to leave and notice him lingering by the aisle while looking in my direction. Assuming that he wants to talk to me, I pick up my phone and pretend to dial a phone number. A nervous feeling comes over me as I pass him on my way to exit the class, but I refuse to look in his direction.
After I’ve left the class and am calmed down enough to analyze my behavior, I am puzzled by my own reaction. It’s true that I have always been shy and reserved, but to get this nervous around a guy or go to this extend to avoid talking to him is unusual, even for me. I start wondering if this is my new automatic response, my internal self-defense mechanism to all members of the male species that may have an interest in me or if it’s just this one guy that makes me this nervous.
Traffic is beyond ridiculous this morning as I try to make my way to my first lab class of the quarter. A distance that would normally take me ten minutes takes me forty five and by the time I get to campus, I’m running fifteen minutes late for class. I curse my luck on this second day of classes and walk quietly into the class hoping to find an empty chair close to the door.
As I scan the room, I notice that there is only one empty chair left, and as luck would have it, it is at a table at which none other than the mystery guy from yesterday is sitting. I curse my luck and reluctantly make my way to the table. As I approach, he lifts his head up and gives me a devious smile that has my insides turned into a nervous wreck.
Luckily the professor starts talking then. I turn my head to the front and avoid looking at him, but I know now that there is no way I can escape talking to him. My fears are realized as soon as the professor starts talking.
“This class involves a lot of teamwork and will require some group experiments and submitting group homework assignments. To facilitate that, I’m splitting the class into groups of two. I think the easiest way to do that is to team you up with the person who is sitting next to you today. So say hello to your neighbor, they will be your lab partner for the rest of the term.”
Nerves return in full force, as I realize I’m trapped. I reluctantly turn towards him and see that he’s already extending his hand.
“Hi. I’m Justin. Looks like not only do we have three classes together, we’re lab partners too.” He flashes me an easy smile.
I introduce myself and return his smile out of politeness. As the class goes on, he starts making small comments about the subject and what we need to be doing. He seems genuine and funny and the more he talks, the more comfortable I feel towards him. By the end of the class, some of the uneasiness has left me.
“We should exchange numbers and email addresses, being lab partners and all,” he says when the class is over.
I hesitate. Although I’m becoming more comfortable, that doesn’t mean that I want to give him a way to contact me. Noticing my hesitation, he tears up a piece of paper from his notebook and quickly jots something down.
“Here. Take this. This is my name, and contact info. Send me a text with yours whenever you feel comfortable. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”
His easy demeanor and the fact that he doesn’t push me, makes me more comfortable and eases some of my worries.
I think about him all the way home and start wondering what it would be like to have a drama free relationship with someone. That though immediately takes my mind back to Aiden. It’s been almost a week since I had the conversation at the coffee shop with him. He’s called me a few times since then, and we had lunch on the weekend, when I couldn’t put him off anymore. But the dynamic between us has changed. In place of the easy fun and flirty interactions we used to have, we now have long awkward silences. It’s as if cold thick clouds have come in between us and are blocking us from reaching out to each other. I hate this new dynamic. But even though it’s mostly caused by me, I can’t help it. My heart is too scarred and my mind too terrified to let him in any closer.
Why is it then that I miss him so much, I wonder? I miss him every single moment of each day. I miss the conversations we had together. I miss his sexy smile. I miss texting back and forth with him. But most of all I miss the jolt of excitement I felt in my body whenever he was near me.
I haven’t talked to or texted him in a few days, and the feeling of longing I have for him has intensified. My fingers hover over his number, while my internal conflict goes on. I want to know what is going on with him, how he is doing at his job, if he bought a car. I want to know everything that I’ve missed out in his life for the past couple of weeks. But I know reigniting the old friendship won’t do either one of us any good.
Still I can’t keep my fingers from typing up a message. My heart is too drawn to him tonight for logic to prevail. Before I have a chance to analyze and question myself, I hit send.
Me: Hey. How’
s it going?
He responds immediately.
Aiden: Going ok. How are you doing? How’s school?
I hesitate for a second before responding. On one hand, I want to tell him everything. I want to tell him every little thing that has happened and ask him about everything in return. My heart is screaming at me to just dial his number and pour my heart out, but I hold myself back. At the end, what I type is similar to the rest of the messages we’ve exchanged recently; short and void of any emotion.
Me: School is ok. Been busy.
I eagerly wait for his response, but I don’t know what I’m expecting to hear back from him. It’s not like I’m giving him much to work with. My phone dings and my eyes are immediately drawn to the screen.
Aiden: I miss you.
It’s only three words. Three simple words that perfectly express everything I feel inside. But seeing them in written form and knowing they come from him is my undoing. Tears start flowing rapidly down my cheeks as my chest tightens. What ifs and why nots attack my mind, as I question over and over again why my life has to be so complicated, and why everything good that comes my way has to be so impossible.
I go to school with a heavy heart the next day, but still hold my head up. I’m early to class today and can pick a seat in my favorite area; one of the last rows. A few minutes later, Justin comes in with a bright smile directed straight at me and promptly takes the seat next to mine.
In contrast to me, he’s in a good mood and tries to strike a conversation immediately. He makes small talk and throws in easy jokes that make me laugh. I decide to let go of my trepidation and enjoy a simple conversation with him. The more he talks, the more comfortable I start to feel around him. He quips small jokes at the professor during the class and lets me copy his notes when I fall behind. By the end of the class, a lot of my initial reservations about him are gone.
After the lecture is over, he asks when my next class is and when I tell him that I don’t have one until this afternoon, he asks if I want to go to the library with him to study. Nerves make a full come back as soon as he invites me to go with him, but he remains persistent.
“Come on. It’s just the library. Don’t worry. I don’t bite… Well, unless you’re into that kind of thing,” he jokes. “Seriously, if you don’t have a class and no other plans, come to the library with me. We can knock out the homework for this class together and be done with it.”
I hesitate for a moment, but then realize that my fears are ridiculous. He’s right. We’re just going to the library. You can’t even talk in the library, so all we’ll be doing is studying. I have no reason to get nervous about this. I nod my head and he leads the way.
On the way to the library, we start talking and he tells me about his background and his major. He’s from San Diego and moved here to go to UCLA. He’s a pre-med student and studying hard for the MCAT. Even though, I’ve decided to go to law school instead of medical school, I’m still going to graduate with a biology degree. Because of that, we have a lot of courses in common and once we talk further, we realize that we’ve had a few classes together in the past. The conversation moves along smoothly and by the time we get to the library, all my reservations about hanging out with him are gone.
I find out at the library that not only do we have a lot in common, we also work together pretty well. We start working on our homework separately, but compare notes after each question is answered. When one of us gets stuck, the other one is quick to come to the rescue. Justin makes studying and doing homework fun. He throws in small jokes and makes me laugh out loud, even though we’re in the library. After a while, I realize that I’m genuinely enjoying this.
I stay in the library with him until a few minutes before the start of my next class and even then I leave reluctantly. I notice as I’m leaving the library that I have a genuine smile on my face, and this makes me realize how much I miss spending time with friends. This is something that’s been missing from my life for a while and I long for it. I crave both meaningful social interactions and mindless chatter with close friends. I miss having study partners who I can also go to the movies with. I simply wish for genuine human connections, but above all, I desire something or someone to distract my mind from the constant thoughts of Aiden running through my head. Justin seems to do just that and for that I’m grateful.
I turn my paper around and look up.
“Are you finally done?” Justin asks with a smirk.
“What do you mean finally? I took less time than you did.”
He raises his eyebrow. “I don’t know about that. You took hours.”
“Oh, whatever. You’re just jealous because you know I did better than you.”
We’ve been taking practice tests and timing each other for an upcoming test. The material is complicated and the test will be hard, but Justin makes studying for it fun. He looks through my answers and nods his head approvingly.
“Not bad, not bad miss genius. You did really well.”
“I told you I did better than you,” I say with a smirk.
“I wouldn’t go that far. You did well,” he says as he hands me the graded paper. “But never better than me.”
“Never say never mister,” I tease back.
“We shall see about that.”
I look at the time on my phone then and realize that I have to run.
“I have to go. I’m going to be late for my next class.”
“Before you go, I want to ask you something,” he says as he suddenly grabs my hand. A momentary surge of panic overtakes my body as our skins touch, but the fear subsides quickly as I realize I don’t feel any magic. There is no spark, no invasion of butterflies, and no goose bumps. It’s simply a touch of skin against skin, a man holding a woman’s hand. Instead of the explosion of senses I felt with Aiden, all I feel now is comfort. In a strange way, the fact that I don’t feel any sparks between Justin and me is comforting, because it also means there is no angst, no feelings of guilt and no debilitating fears.
He squeezes my hand and looks me in the eye, before he starts. “Do you have any plans for this Friday evening?”
“Why?”
“Because I want to take you out to dinner and maybe movies.”
Despite the fact that my relationship with Justin is easy and comforting, the idea of going out on a date with him still makes me nervous.
“I… I have to check with my friend. She mentioned she wanted to do something. Let me talk to her first,” I lie.
A look of disappointment crosses his face, but he quickly covers it up.
“Okay. Just let me know as soon as you find out.”
As I lie in bed that night, I think about Justin and his offer. Am I ready to start dating again? And if so, is Justin the right guy for me? I try to think about Justin, and why I should or shouldn’t go out with him, but my mind starts drifting to another man. As much as I try to remain focused on Justin, it is the image of another man that invades my mind. When I think about Justin’s easy smile, it’s Aiden’s sexy one that pops into my head. And when I try to focus on Justin’s sense of humor, it’s Aiden’s wacky one that lingers in mind. The more I try to picture myself with Justin, the more thoughts of Aiden take root in my brain. And the more those thoughts occupy my mind, the more frustrated I get with myself.
Here I am, having a chance to start a drama free relationship with a handsome guy whose company I truly enjoy, and yet all I can think about is Aiden. I should be excited about the prospects of going on a date with Justin, but instead I feel sad and depressed, because I haven’t seen or talked to Aiden. I curse myself and my stupid heart, and try to let sleep take over. But even when I finally succumb to sleep, it is a tall sexy man with emerald green eyes that penetrates my dreams and firmly places himself in the small crevices of my subconscious.
When I open my eyes the next morning, Aiden is the first thought that comes to my mind. I groan loudly and try to squeeze my eyes shut in a vain effort to chase the thoughts away, but
it is to no avail. It’s as if the prospects of going on a date with Justin, has heightened my deeply concealed longing for Aiden. I think to myself that maybe I’m just scared of starting a new relationship and that’s why my mind is pulling me away from Justin and towards Aiden.
I try to think about my relationship with Aiden and see what it was about it that was so attractive to me. I remember Aiden’s sexy smile and his gorgeous body. I think about his thoughtfulness and how he showed me he cared. Anything I remember from him seems perfect to me. I hold my head in my hands in frustration. This is not the train of thought I should be having. I realize then that it may be because our relationship was so short-lived and because it ended in such a traumatic way that I’m idolizing it so much. Maybe if I actually see and talk to Aiden, I will see his flaws and realize that he wasn’t as perfect as I remember him, I tell myself.
This line of thinking gives me the excuse to do what my heart has been craving since last night. I grab my phone before my mind has a chance to talk me out of it. I quickly type up a text to Aiden to see if he can meet me for lunch and press send.
The waiting game begins then. I stay glued to my phone for the rest of the morning and as the minutes and the hours go by without a response from Aiden, my frustration grows. Aiden has always responded to my texts immediately. The fact that he hasn’t responded today worries me, making me more than a little anxious. My mind goes in a million different directions.
Could it be that he doesn’t want anything more to do with me? Is he seeing another girl? Is he in trouble at work? My mind runs the gambit of possibilities of what could have prevented him from sending a simple response and none of them are good.
I wait till after two in the afternoon until my stomach growls and my anger starts rising to have lunch. But after having lunch, I wait in anger for his message.
Redeeming Love (Resilient Hearts #2) Page 3
