A little after six in the evening, the notification light on my phone lights up and I lounge for it.
Aiden: Sorry, busy day. Heading to a happy hour with coworkers. Can I call you later tonight?
He message makes me suspicious. He was so busy that he couldn’t even send a short text? And now he’s going out with coworkers? He never went anywhere with his coworkers before. He never even mentioned any one of them. Who is he going out with now? The thoughts of him with another woman immediately invade my mind and the feelings of jealously those thoughts espouse catch me off guard. I curse myself and my conflicting feelings. I pushed him away and now that it seems he has moved on, I’m desperate for his attention.
I stay up for him for hours, keeping my phone right next to me all night long and checking the screen every few minutes. When he hasn’t called by midnight, other emotions leave my body and I’m simply left with an explosive anger. How does he not even bother to text to let me know that he can’t call? Where could he be other than in another woman’s bed that he can’t even make a quick call? The idea infuriates me so much that it makes me not want to have anything to do with him, and solidifies the decision I have been struggling with. I quickly grab my phone and type up a message to Justin.
Me: I’d love to go Friday. Just tell me where and when.
I turn my phone off and let the silent tears start their slow procession down my cheeks.
FOUR
ALEAH
I try to make myself feel excited about my date with Justin and push thoughts of Aiden away, as I walk into the restaurant looking for him. Justin wanted to pick me up, but my nerves made me say no. Even though I have decided to give Justin a try, my fears and my scars still hold me back.
I spot him standing in a corner waiting for me. As he sees me coming, his entire face lights up. He’s wearing dark grey slacks and a light blue dress shirt that brings out the color of his eyes. In this light, he looks amazingly handsome. Yet, his presence fails to take my breath away the same way a mere look at an unkempt Aiden would. I try to push the thought away and smile widely, as I approach him.
He gives me a tight hug and a small peck on the lips, and leads me to our table. He’s reserved a table in a quiet corner of the restaurant and when I get there, I notice a bouquet of red roses on the table. His gesture warms my heart, making me realize I made the right decision by giving him a chance.
We sit down for dinner and he orders wine. I start drinking before the food gets there to try to calm my nerves, and don’t stop when they bring our meals. I drink in the hopes that the alcohol will help me open up to Justin more. But as it starts taking effect, it is again thoughts of Aiden that crowd my head. I start going back over the events of the last few days and question whether I did the right thing.
The morning after I stayed up past midnight waiting on Aiden to call, he texted me apologizing. He said he had been out late with his coworkers and when he got home, he thought he’d had too much to drink to call me. Of course, I didn’t believe that. I was furious at him, so I failed to respond. He called me that night, leaving a voicemail and pleading that I let him make it up to me by taking me out to dinner on Friday night. I didn’t have the heart to talk to him, so I texted him back saying that I had plans with a friend that night. Now as I am sitting here pretending to be listening to Justin, I wonder if maybe he was telling me the truth and I overreacted.
I am having these internal debates, when I suddenly feel the hair in the back of my neck stand up.
I know this feeling.
Even without looking up, I already know who is staring me down.
I reluctantly look up to see Aiden sitting a few tables away with a group of men in business suits. His eyes are glued to mine, while his face shows a smoldering anger I’ve never seen in him before. He looks like he’s caught me red handed and is about to make me pay for it. My stomach drops instantly, as a cold shiver travels up my spine.
I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but the look on his face tells me he thinks otherwise. I try to look away and act normal with Justin, but I know my face has gone pale.
“Are you okay? You look a little…distracted,” Justin says.
I shake my head a few times to clear it, but it’s no help. “Yes, I’m fine. I think I had a little too much to drink.”
He looks at me questioningly, as if he’s contemplating whether or not to believe my answer before he responds. “Eat some more food then. You’ve barely touched your plate.”
I reluctantly bring my fork to my mouth, and as I do my eyes dart to Aiden again. He’s still staring at me with a look of fury. I look down immediately, but can’t help bringing my eyes back to him a few seconds later. He takes a quick look around his table to see if anyone’s watching him. When he sees everyone is deeply engaged in a conversation, he subtly points to the direction of the bathrooms with his head. My stomach flips. I can’t go and talk to Aiden in here, especially with that angry look on his face. Frustrated with my lack of response, he points his finger in that direction once more.
I know what he wants, but I’m too scared to leave my table. I know I don’t have any obligations to Aiden, but the way he’s acting says he believes otherwise.
When he points to where he wants me to go for the third time, I worry that if I don’t get up, he may head to our table. I tell Justin that I have to use the restroom and nervously walk towards the hallway that hides the bathrooms. As soon as I step foot in the hallway, I feel a hand on my shoulder. He turns me around abruptly.
“What the hell kind of game are you playing, Aleah?” he asks, his voice dripping with anger.
“What…what do you mean?” I stutter.
“What do I mean? You told me you had dinner plans with a friend. A friend, not a guy who’s undressing you with his eyes every two minutes... What is this? Are you dating this guy? Are you sleeping with him?”
“What? He is a friend,” I answer in exasperation. “He’s my study partner. Tonight is our first date.”
“So you’ve already started dating without telling me anything?”
“I didn’t know I had an obligation to tell you about everything in my life. Plus, this is just our first date. I didn’t even know if it would work. But you know what? I should date him.” I start raising me voice. “He’s sweet, thoughtful, good-looking, and he wants me, unlike some other people who don’t really know what they want. But, I’m having a hard time seeing myself with him. You want to know why?” I ask, as I point my finger at his chest. The alcohol is making me say too much, rubbing me of the willpower to hold myself back, and I dread the next words that come out of my mouth as soon as I speak them. “Because I can’t get you out of my stupid mind. Every time I look at him, all I can think of is you and everything he does, I compare it to you.”
The words are barely out of mouth, before he crashes his lips to mine. The kiss is angry, passionate, and desperate. It is laced with a sense of urgency and impatience. Yet it is packed with so much emotion, that it makes my head spin and my heart squeeze. Before I can think about what is happening, he pulls back and grabs both of my hands, looking deeply into my eyes.
“We need to talk. Go back to your table and tell him you had an emergency and have to leave right away,” he orders.
“Aiden–that’s rude. I can’t do that to him. Let me finish this dinner and we can talk afterwards.”
“I’m not negotiating with you on this, Aleah. Unless you want me to barge in on your table and tell him something myself, you’re going to go grab your purse and leave now. I’ll pick you up outside in a few minutes.”
“I drove my own car,” is all I can manage to say.
A wide smile crosses his face. “You did? Well, I can’t say I wish you didn’t, because that would mean you rode with him here tonight, but I really wanted you in the car with me right now,” he says, almost to himself. “On the other hand, it’s probably better for our physical safety if we drive separate cars right now... Let’s go. I’ll meet
you at your penthouse in fifteen minutes.”
I should hesitate. In fact, I should flat out say no, but instead, I just nod my head and smile like a silly school girl. Aiden takes off quickly and I head to my table to make up a story for Justin. I feel incredibly guilty about doing this to him, but I can’t say that I’m upset at the turn of events.
I make it to my penthouse in record time and see Aiden waiting in the lobby, as I walk in. He has a smile on his face that melts my heart and sets my body on fire. I walk slowly up to him, while chewing my lips nervously. He narrows his eyes at my lips and his expression immediately changes from adoration to something completely different. He grabs one of my hands quickly and pulls me towards the elevator in a rush.
As soon as the elevator door closes, he grabs my face and crashes his lips on mine. He kisses me with such desperation that I feel every bit of his pent up emotions inside my body. We haven’t said a word to each other about where we stand and what we want, but our tangled tongues are saying more than words ever could. His tongue caresses the corners of my lips once, and then twice, and my stomach turns to mush. When I gasp at the feelings the simple touch espouses, he takes the opportunity to dive deeply into my mouth.
My head is so wrapped up around what his invasion is doing to every nerve ending in my body that I don’t even notice we are on my floor and the elevator door has opened. All I notice is that Aiden suddenly puts his hands under my butt to lift me up. I wrap my legs around his waist, as he starts walking towards my condo, all without breaking the kiss. Once we get to the door, I’m still so consumed by his lips that I don’t even think about grabbing my keys. He has to pull back for just a second to ask me in between butterfly kisses where my keys are. Once I hand them to him, he opens the door, and carries me directly to my couch.
He lowers me slowly on the couch, while still continuing his delicious attack on my mouth. He takes his time exploring corners of my mouth I didn’t even know existed. My body is on fire and my mind is blurred, but as soon as he starts lowering his mouth from my lips to other areas of my body, fear starts creeping its way back into my head.
This is a mistake, my brain keeps shouting at me.
You’re going to get hurt even worse than before, it repeats to my senses.
But it feels like heaven, every nerve in my body yells in response.
The cycle of thoughts start running through my mind, even before Aiden moves to remove my shirt, but once he does, my nerves instigate an anxiety attack. My stomach squeezes in nervousness and my skin prickles in anxiety.
There’s an urgency to his actions that makes me even more nervous. He’s so enthralled with what is happening that he doesn’t notice my momentary withdrawal. He goes for my jeans and has them unbuttoned and unzipped so quickly that I have no time to react. He hooks his fingers under my waist then to lower down the jeans, and the action immediately takes me back to another time something similar happened to me.
I freeze instantly, as my body goes into a full-on panic attack. My heart rate picks up and within a few seconds my whole body is shaking uncontrollably. I cover my face with my hands, and notice that my cheeks are already wet with tears. My lips are saying the word no over and over again, while my head is shaking repeatedly.
I have no control over my actions. My self-defense mechanism, my long suppressed fears and my traumatized brain have taken over completely and rubbed me of all power to control my body parts. Aiden lifts me up immediately and cradles me in his arms like a little baby. He holds me tight and tries to soothe me.
“It’s okay… You’re okay, baby. I won’t ever hurt you,” he keeps telling me, but my brain fails to register. I continue to shake and sob in his arms, as he patiently rocks me back and forth.
It takes me a long time to calm down enough to take back control over my body’s reaction. Once I do, I hold my head in my hands in embarrassment at the way my body reacted, and weep.
I sob for the deep open wounds that have yet to be healed.
I wail for my fragile heart that has been shattered so badly, it cannot engage in a natural sweet act without having an anxiety attack.
And I mourn for my stolen innocence.
I cry until my tears dry out and my body is too weak to sob.
Through it all Aiden holds me close, running his hands up and down my arms and repeating soothing words into my hair. When I’ve finally stopped shaking and crying, he places small kisses on my hair and my forehead, and continues to hold me.
I’m too afraid to look into his eyes in fear of what I will see in them. I know what just happened is far from normal, and I can only imagine what he thinks of me now. I fear that he thinks I’m psychotic.
After a few minutes, I finally gather my courage and reluctantly look up. When I do, I see nothing but compassion and understanding in his emerald eyes. He doesn’t ask any questions and doesn’t push me to talk. He just gives me a sad smile, and kisses the top of my nose.
I realize I owe him an explanation, but I just cannot bring myself to tell him the whole story. I know if I start talking, I will have another breakdown, and I just don’t have the stomach to go through that again. So instead of a full explanation, I open my mouth and say the first words that come out.
“I’m broken, Aiden... I’m so sorry.” I barely get the last words out before bursting into tears once more.
“Shush, don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. You’re perfect the way you are… I’m sorry I got too carried away. I should have paid more attention to your body language…I shouldn’t have moved so fast. I’m sorry,” he repeats. He’s silent for a few minutes, before continuing. “Aleah, I don’t know what happened to you, but whatever it was, it was not your fault.”
Hearing him say that brings fresh tears to my eyes. This is the first time since the attack that somebody is actually telling me it wasn’t my fault. Everybody else in my family and friends flat out said that it was my fault, my responsibility, and my mistake that caused the dreaded incident. Everyone is always quick to blame the victim in these situations. It’s always about how she was asking for it by the way she was acting or how she was dressed. No one ever stops to think that human beings have an intrinsic right not to be attacked and violated. That right shouldn’t have anything to do with what the victim is wearing or how she or he is acting. A woman should have a right to dress as she likes and act the way she desires without deserving to be attacked.
Hearing Aiden say what I’ve been waiting all these months to hear is the most calming balm to my aching heart. Seeing the look on my face, he repeats his potent statement. “It wasn’t your fault, Aleah.”
I nod my head, as a pool of tears flows down my cheeks.
“I… I owe you an explanation, but I just…I can’t stomach going over what happened.”
“You don’t owe me anything,” he jumps in. “I’m here whenever you feel the need to talk to someone, but you don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with.”
I slowly nod my head and thank heavens that Aiden is so patient and understanding. We stay like that for a few more minutes until I feel my eyes getting droopy.
“You’re tired. You should go to bed. I’ll walk you to your bedroom, before leaving.”
“No,” I almost shout. The idea of being alone with my thoughts tonight terrifies me. He raises his eyebrow in question.
“Don’t go... Can you… can you please stay with me tonight?” I ask shyly. “Just to sleep,” I quickly clarify. “Can you just hold me please?”
Before the words are completely out of my mouth, he stands up with me in his arms.
“Which one is your room?” he asks. I point him to my bedroom. He carries me to the room swiftly and lowers me on the edge of the bed, before kneeling down in front of me to remove my shoes. My heart melts at his actions.
“Where are your pajamas?”
“Top drawer in the dresser.”
He quickly grabs my PJs and hands them to me. I look down at myself and sudd
enly realize that I’m still shirtless. I cross my arms over my chest immediately. Noticing my uneasiness, he takes a step back. “Go ahead and change. I’ll be outside. Let me know when you’re done.”
I change in record time and ask him to come back. As he walks in, I take in his appearance. He still has his business attire on. A green tie that matches the color of his eyes paired with a white business shirt and gray slacks. As usual, a mere look at him, takes my breath away. He has a slight stubble on his cheeks and his hair is messy in a sexy kind of way, but it’s his eyes that make my heart skip a beat. His eyes are locked onto mine and are looking at me with such tenderness that feelings unparalleled to anything I’ve ever experienced before are invoked in my soul.
A sad smile crosses his face as he walks towards me.
“Do you need anything else for tonight?” he asks me with a gentle voice.
“Just you,” I say shyly.
“You have me, baby,” he says without hesitation.
He takes his tie and belt off and I’m mesmerized by the scene. As soon as his belt is off, he tries to climb in bed, but I stop him.
“Wait. You’re going to sleep in your dress shirt and slacks?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “I don’t have anything else here.”
“I thought you told me before that you usually sleep naked.”
He raises his eyebrow and a sexy smile crosses his face. “You want me to sleep naked here?”
I can’t help the blush creeping up my cheeks. “I…uh…hmmm…”
His warm chuckle interrupts my stutter. “I didn’t think so. It’s fine. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“You can put a t-shirt on,” I interject.
“I doubt any of your t-shirts would fit me.”
“No, I mean your t-shirt. I still have your t-shirt.”
“My t-shirt?”
Redeeming Love (Resilient Hearts #2) Page 4
