Now or Never

by Victoria Denault

  “Oh.” I can’t find another word. And the fact that she called San Francisco home creates a tightness in my chest.

  “Anyway, they’re going home tomorrow,” she says, her fingertips skimming the bottom of the nightie, drawing my eyes back to the tops of her thighs and my mind back to what’s under it. “I’m going to pick up cinnamon buns in the morning if you want to come by and have one, say good-bye to them. Let them see you’re no longer the jackass who used to terrorize the town, and us.”

  “I can do that tomorrow,” I say and force my eyes to her beautiful face again. “But tonight, if you close that door, I can lift that tiny little nightgown and lick you until you come.”

  Her whole body tenses in shock. I take a step toward her. “Don’t pretend you’re surprised or I’m out of line because we both know you’d be wearing a hell of a lot more if you weren’t looking to make my dick hard and my head fill with thoughts of tasting you.”

  She doesn’t answer. She blinks and then reaches behind her for the door handle. As soon as the metal door clanks against the metal frame and the lock clicks, I’m on my knees, my palms skimming over her thighs, my fingers lifting the bottom of that cotton nightgown. As I press my lips to the inside of her thigh and she leans back against the door, I discover she’s not wearing underwear. I groan and my heart starts to hammer. I lift my eyes to see her looking down at me, awash in desire. Her fingers graze my scalp. “You know you own me,” I whisper.

  “I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t own me too.”

  I close my eyes and lift my mouth to her core. She’s wet and warm and I lick her and suck on her like it’s giving me life, because it fucking is. She’s darkness and light and softness and strength and everything I never thought I deserved. And she came to me, gave herself to me—and continues to—emotionally and physically and I will do everything to keep her. I worship her with my mouth and she shudders and whispers my name over and over as her legs quiver and it makes me feel like a god, especially when, moments later she comes so hard she collapses. Even as her body slides down the door and she lies in a crumpled heap on the floor, I don’t take my mouth off her pussy, greedy for every single drop of desire and not willing to let the moment end. But she reaches down and tugs on my hair, pulling me up her body. I kiss my way across her stomach, pushing the nightgown up as I go and stop to worship her tits too because damn, they deserve it.

  Finally, face-to-face she cups my cheek with her hand and I turn and kiss her palm, while I start to undo my pants. They’re barely at my knees when she starts to wrap her legs round my waist. “Condom,” I groan and try to get up. She tightens her grip with her legs.

  “I have an IUD,” she says.

  I lean back down, balancing on my forearms, and nuzzle my face into her neck and kiss her earlobe. “Winona, I’m clean, but you don’t fully trust me yet and I’m not letting you do something you’ll regret.”

  I get back on my knees and dig around in my jeans pocket for my wallet, where I keep a condom. She sits up. “I’ll never regret you, Holden.”

  I tear the purple package open but she reaches out and stills my hands. Our eyes meet. “I’m just making sure of that.”

  She crawls up on her knees too and as I roll the condom down my shaft with one hand I reach out and cup the back of her head with the other, my fingers tangling in her hair and my tongue slips past her lips. She crawls closer and then she’s pushing me back, and climbing on top of me. She straddles my hips and guides my dick inside her and I lie back and let her take over. She rides me with abandon and I am just as turned on by the tilt of her neck, the bounce of her tits and the pink flush on her cheeks as I am by the warm tight feel of being inside her.

  I play with her clit as she rides me in a steady rhythm and when I finally feel her pussy clench around me stars start to pepper my vision and I push up into her one final time, almost lifting completely off the floor, before I come. She collapses on top of me, her golden hair across my face as she nuzzles into the crook of my neck and I inhale the soothing scent of her lilac shampoo. We fall asleep like that and at some point, I wake up and carry her into my bed and cocoon us under the blankets.

  The next morning, she’s already gone when my alarm goes off at seven. I shower, put on my work clothes and I’m drinking a coffee when there’s a knock at the door. I swing it open, assuming it’s Winnie, but it’s not. It’s Kevin. And he’s higher than a fucking kite.

  “Dude, did you know there are like four trailers set up in driveways in this town,” he mumbles and tries to step inside my house but I don’t let him. Instead, I step down and join him on the driveway. My eyes jump up to the cottage but I don’t see anyone on the porch, thankfully. “I almost got arrested for trying to get into some old dude’s Minnie Winnie.”

  At the word “Winnie” my eyes dart up to the cottage again. Still no one standing there watching me with the town drug dealer, and that’s a blessing. I cross my arms and stare at Kevin and his giant pupils and doped-up smile. “What are you doing here? How do you even know where I live?”

  “Kidd told me last night,” Kevin explains. “He came over to party and he wasn’t all that fucking stoked that you’re digging up old issues.”

  Oh great. This is exactly what I need. I grit my teeth and take a deep breath before I speak. “I’m not involving him in this, and I wish you wouldn’t have either. It’s not anything to do with him. I just want to right a wrong that I consider my wrong, not his.”

  “Whatever dude, I honestly don’t care, as long as you pay me.”

  “As long as you find it,” I say.

  “I found it,” Kevin says, and I get excited. This whole thing, trying to find the pearl necklace that we took from Cat’s house, was a shot in the dark to say the least. I mean it was decades ago and at first, I couldn’t even remember what Kidd had done with it. “Thing is though, it’s going to require heading to Boston and I’m gonna need half the money you promised to pay upfront to make the trip worth my while.”

  “I’ll give you a quarter of it,” I counter sharply, with no room for negotiation. “And you better have something for me by the weekend.”

  He nods and holds out his hand for money, but my wallet is in the trailer so I turn around and go get it. A second later I’m dropping fifty bucks in his hand. “By the weekend.”

  “I promise.” He lazily gives me a thumbs-up and turns and walks away.

  I run a hand through my hair and sigh. It’ll all be worth it if I can get that damn necklace back. I grab my tool belt from the trailer and head into the cottage. I knock and someone yells “Come in,” so I do. I find Sadie sitting on the couch in the living room, which is covered in a drop cloth. She’s wearing pajama pants and a San Francisco Thunder sweatshirt and holding a mug of coffee. “There’s more in the kitchen. Had to put the coffeepot on the floor but hey, it works.”

  “I had some in my trailer,” I say as she tucks her legs up under her on the couch. “And I’m happy to report that the new countertops will be coming in later today so you can skip the floor brew tomorrow.”

  “I’ll be gone anyway,” Sadie says and pauses to sip her coffee. “I fly out this afternoon. I’ve got to work and I miss my boyfriend. And I’m confident now that Winnie is handling things in her own unique way.”

  “She is,” I say with a nod. “And I don’t think I’ve said it yet to you but I’m very sorry for your loss. Your dad was a great guy. He never made me feel unwanted, like most of the other parents in this town did when I hung out with their kids.”

  Sadie smiles. She looks a lot like Winnie when she does that. “Dad was a very easygoing, open guy who gave everyone a chance. He could forgive people anything…unless they hurt his wife or his kids.”

  She gives me a very pointed stare I couldn’t miss if I tried. I chuff out a sheepish breath. “Winnie’s pain right now isn’t caused by me.”

  “I know that,” Sadie replies and sits up a little straighter. “Judging by the fact that I saw her sneak
into your trailer last night and stay there for four and a half hours, I’d say you’re actually providing her pleasure, not her pain.”

  Am I bushing? I feel like I’m blushing. Fuck. Sadie lets out a breathless laugh. “But I know my sister and this…you…are out of character for her.”

  Ouch. That stings. But before I can figure out how to respond to what feels like one hell of a burn, she gives me an apologetic smile. “She’s had one serious boyfriend in her entire life and the last time she saw you, she broke your nose, so you have to understand why this seems out of character.”

  “Grief changes you,” I reply because I have my own experience to prove that.

  “Grief makes you vulnerable.” Sadie stands up from the couch, keeping her gaze level with mine.

  I see where this is going. “I’m not taking advantage of Winnie. If anything, there’s a chance she’s taking advantage of me.”

  Sadie’s blue eyes flare at my admission. I rub the back of my neck. I’m not great at dealing with my own vulnerability. “I just came here to renovate a damn house. I didn’t expect to see Winnie again and I certainly didn’t expect to develop feelings for her. But I did. Now whether this is just some crazy grief-induced fling for her, I have no idea. But it’s not for me.”

  “Does she know that?” Sadie asks.

  “She does,” I say and any further conversation is interrupted by the sound of feet on the stairs.

  “Sadie, why is Winnie still asleep?” Dixie says as she comes bounding into the living room already dressed for the day in leggings and an oversized sweater. She stops short at the sight of me. “Holden.”

  “Yeah, that’s probably why,” Sadie says under her breath with a smile. Louder though, so Dixie can actually hear, she says, “She probably didn’t get much sleep. I’ll go wake her up and change and we can go out and grab food.”

  Sadie disappears around the corner and I hear her climb the stairs. Dixie and I just stand there staring at each other awkwardly for a second. I clear my throat. “I’m going to head outside and wait for my buddy who’s helping me paint this morning.”

  “That’s not who was standing on the front lawn taking money from you this morning?” she asks and I stop breathing. Fuck, she saw me. Did Winnie see me?

  “No,” I say as she’s stares at me with a single raised eyebrow. “That was a personal matter.”

  “Where you going to live after this job is done?’ Dixie asks bluntly.

  “I’ll be getting an apartment and storing the trailer.”

  “Where?”

  “Are you the one getting married here next summer?” I ask desperate to change the subject before I snap at her for being so damn nosy. My eyes land on the diamond ring on her finger. “A hockey player?”

  She nods. “A goalie.”

  “So you like them crazy,” I quip, and her hard, suspicious expression snaps as she laughs.

  “Yeah, he’s a little nuts, but so am I,” Dixie says.

  I hear more footsteps on the stairs and then Sadie and Winnie appear behind Dixie. My eyes go straight to Winnie. She’s in jeans and a plain, clingy white T-shirt with her dad’s gray cardigan. Her hair is in a messy bun and her cheeks pink slightly as she looks at me. I smile. “Morning, Winona.”

  Winnie smiles but quickly bites it back. “Hey. Sadie said the kitchen is almost finished.”

  I nod. “Painting this morning and cabinet installation later tonight. When I get back from my appointment this afternoon.”

  “Appointment?” Winnie echoes and her expression turns hard. I swear I can see her building a little wall around her heart right now, brick by brick, as we stare at each other. I could tell her where I’m going. I could validate it, but I’m so sick of her still searching for a reason to run from me, to distrust me and shut down her feelings for me. I’m sick of making amends and being the adult here.

  I feel my shoulders tense. “Yup. An appointment.”

  The energy in the room gets tense fast. Both Sadie and Dixie’s eyes are bouncing between Winnie and me like they’re watching a tennis match. Winnie frowns and her eyes grow cold. I refuse to give in, snapping my mouth closed and folding my arms over my chest. Finally, without a word to me, she turns to her sisters. Dixie clears her throat. “You’re all about the personal time,” she says and Winnie looks at her quizzically. Fuck. I change the subject again.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll have this place looking perfect long before your wedding to the crazy goalie,” I say, hoping Winnie forgets her sister’s last comment.

  “Well that shouldn’t be hard because we don’t have a date set anyway,” Dixie explains and both her sisters spin their blond heads to face her. “What?”

  “I thought you were settling on Canada Day?” Sadie says, confusion masking her features. “Mom was looking to book the church July first.”

  Dixie shrugs. I start to feel like a fly on a wall, eavesdropping on something I shoulder so I clear my throat. “I’m going to wait for Mike on the porch.”

  I head out of the room, but I can still hear them talking.

  “Dix, did something happen? Are you and Eli okay?” Sadie asks.

  “No! We’re great. He’s perfect. I love him more than ever,” she announces and it’s filled with passion and confidence. I feel a weird longing feeling start to fill my chest. God, I want Winnie to talk about her feelings for me with that type of conviction. “I just am not in any rush to get married.”

  “Really? Because it’s all you could talk about for the first two months after Eli put that rock on your finger,” Sadie says and I could hear the smile in her voice. “What changed?”

  “Dad died,” Winnie’s voice is as clear and sharp as a glass shattering.

  “It doesn’t feel right doing it without him.” Dixie’s voice cracks on every single word.

  I start to feel really bad about eavesdropping, but as I take a step toward the door, to go wait on the driveway, Winnie speaks again and stops me in my tracks.

  “Because nothing is right without him. So don’t do it. It’s not like you’re going to lose anything. You two live together. You’re in love. Screw a big event that’s just going to remind everyone Dad is gone.”

  “Winnie!” Sadie barks in protest, which is exactly what I want to do too. But it’s definitely not my place. Still, I’m disappointed in Winnie’s attitude. Clearly any progress I thought she’d made in getting a handle on her grief didn’t happen. She’s still drowning in it and she’s wants her sisters to drown with her. Fuck, Winnie. My heart breaks for her and at the same time, I want to shake her.

  Before anyone can say anything else, there’s a loud honk. My eyes dart to the road and find Mike’s pickup pulled up to the curb. He’s hopping out as he calls to me. “Get down here and help me unload supplies!”

  I swing open the porch door and do what he asked mostly to avoid confronting Winnie about what she just did to her sister. The horn must have startled the girls out of their conversation too because before I can lift the first two paint cans out of the truck they’re bounding down the stairs, one after another. None of them say anything to me but Sadie does give me a wave good-bye as they pile into her rental and drive away. Winnie refuses to make eye contact.

  “There’s three hot chicks living here now?” Mike asks with a grin and I just nod. “If all your jobs are like this, I’m available whenever you need help, buddy.”

  He chuckles as he carries a bunch of rollers and a bucket of paint toward the house. I glance back one last time toward their retreating car before following him.

  15

  Winnie

  Umm…lady, I don’t want to get involved in some weird stalking thing between you and your boyfriend,” my Lyft driver, Sterling, says in a nervous tone.

  “He’s my contractor, not my boyfriend,” I explain, and I realize that doesn’t make me look less crazy. “I will give you a twenty-dollar cash tip.”

  “I’m not supposed to take tips outside of the app,” he informs me.

>   “Okay, Dudley Do-Right. Well, then I’ll give you a twenty-dollar tip in the app,” I counter. “Just keep following that white truck, but don’t get too close.”

  I am officially off the deep end and I don’t even need to see Sterling’s judgey expression in the rearview mirror to confirm it. I’m sure if I hadn’t just left Dixie and Sadie at the airport, they would be telling me the same thing. Still, knowing that doesn’t stop me from doing what I’m doing—following Holden.

  I had taken a Lyft from the Portland International Jetport, blurry-eyed from crying through my good-byes to my sisters, when I saw his truck heading in the opposite direction down Route 1. I glanced at the clock on the dashboard and realized it was three-thirty and he was going to his mysterious recurring appointment. So, I stopped sniffling and crying and told Sterling to turn his black Prius around because we needed to go the other way. When he did and asked for a new address to punch into his Waze app, I told him to just follow the white truck. And here we are—about three cars back from Holden’s truck, going God knows where—and I’m sure Sterling will give me the worst passenger rating ever, but I’m still going to make him tail Holden. Even if it means I have to use Uber from now on.

  Last night, as I lay in Holden’s bed, curled up on his chest, I admitted to myself that I wanted him for more than just this moment in time. He is one of the few things that helps me get through the day. But I need to know how big a risk I’ve taken, and since he won’t tell me where he goes every day, I’m going to force my Lyft driver into being my sidekick as I act like a private detective…or an unhinged girlfriend.

  Holden follows Route 1 along to South Portland where he turns off on a familiar street and within seconds I realize where he’s headed. The ice arena. I spent way more time at an ice rink in the summer than any normal kid vacationing in Maine. But normal kids don’t have a hockey prodigy as an older brother. Jude played hockey twelve months a year, which meant when we were at the cottage, he played here. Holden used to play with him, but this was his year-round rink, since he lived here.