Deep Surrendering: Episode Ten

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “Four years of high school basketball,” he said in response to the aim. “And to answer your very blunt question, no. I don’t have a girlfriend at the moment. There was a girl at one point that I was engaged to, but it didn’t work out.” For the first time since I met him, he wasn’t smiling. Ah. So he couldn’t be jolly and upbeat about everything. I knew there had to be a dark side. Everyone had one hidden somewhere.

  God, that made me think about Fin. I needed one of those machines that when I thought about Fin, I could push a button and give myself an electric shock to make me stop doing it. Somehow I didn’t think that would quite work.

  “I’m going to take a wild guess and say whenever you get that faraway look on your face, you’re thinking about him.” Chase didn’t need to specify who “him” was. I hadn’t told him Fin’s name. I hadn’t told him anything about Fin other than that I had an ex and we’d recently broken up. I just didn’t want to start a new friendship with something like that.

  “Yeah. I’m sorry. It’s hard.”

  “I know. I’ve been there. It was really rough there for a while. I didn’t even want to get out of bed. I missed a lot of class and had to take summer semesters just to catch up.” Wow, he had had it rough. That only made me like him more. Because he got it.

  “If you want to talk about it, I don’t mind. It can really help.” I shook my head and put on a smile.

  “No, it’s fine. I just drift away every now and then. It’s getting better. He… he called two days ago. That’s why I’ve been determined to be so focused on school. It helps.” I couldn’t believe I was talking to him about this. I didn’t want to, but here I was. The words just kept coming out.

  “How long ago did you break up?” he asked and I found myself telling him. Not the whole story, of course, but a sanitized version.

  “It just didn’t work out,” I said, finishing my coffee and folding my hands around the cup. I needed something to hold onto.

  “It happens like that sometimes. Love isn’t enough.” Yes. He got it.

  “It wasn’t. And it’s hard to go on.” My voice cracked and I had to clear my throat and breathe for a second so I wouldn’t start crying.

  Chase, sensing where this was going, handed me a napkin.

  “I’m fine. Really. I did a lot of the crying already but sometimes it sneaks up on me.” He just nodded.

  “Anyway,” I said, coughing, “seen any good movies lately?”

  He chuckled and regaled me with a synopsis of the latest blockbuster that had less plot than the second latest blockbuster.

  “But there really is something about seeing a terrible movie with a group of people who also know it’s terrible. It bonds you together. A shared experience.” I couldn’t tell if he was hinting at something, so I just played dumb.

  “I don’t go to the movies much. I’d rather stay at home where I can wear what I want and make comments without pissing anyone off.”

  “Yeah, I totally get that. But I like going out.” I could tell. Chase was one of those “people” people. I couldn’t picture him staying home much. He talked to anyone and everyone, making conversation with strangers while we waited for our coffee orders, or smiling at people who walked by our table. I didn’t even think he was aware of doing it. That was just him.

  We stayed late at the coffee place and even a second cup couldn’t keep me from yawning.

  “I should probably get you home,” he said. I waved him off.

  “No, no, I'm fine.” But he wouldn’t take no for an answer and demanded to escort me home. We had to take another cab, which he paid for.

  “I’m costing you quite a bit,” I said.

  “You’re not costing me anything that I’m not willing to pay.” He leaned in and I could feel that he wanted to kiss me, but I leaned back against the window and pursed my lips so he’d get the hint. He seemed to realize that he’d pushed things too far and leaned back himself before asking me if I had a busy day tomorrow.

  “Not really, but I have to go and visit my mother. She’s not exactly June Cleaver, if you know what I mean.” He laughed so loud the cab driver glared at us and then turned up his talk radio.

  “My mother often imitates an ice sculpture. Seriously, if you put her next to one, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.” My God we had a lot in common. We started swapping stories about cold and distant mothers and that took us all the way to my apartment, up the elevator and to my front door.

  “Well, ah, I guess I’ll see you when I see you? Or will you be back at the library tomorrow?” I had pretty much decided that I might as well just stay over at Mom and Dad’s since I wanted to visit for a while and chat with Glenna.

  “I’ll be there a lot in the next few weeks, so I’ll probably see you.” I didn’t want to make definite plans again. That would move things in a direction I wasn’t that comfortable with.

  “Sounds good,” Chase said, adjusting his backpack. “I’ll see you around, Marisol.” I waved to him and he walked back toward the elevator. If anything, I’d made a new friend and that was definitely something to be positive about. The fact that he was attractive and seemed to like me in the way a man likes a woman was something I’d probably have to deal with at some point. But not right now. I couldn’t deal with another man in my life like that.

  Part of me wished I’d studied with Chase instead of going to dinner at my parents’ house. Fortunately, Glenna had decided to stay late and she kept Mom occupied for the most part, so I just chatted with Dad.

  “Do you mind if I just crash here?” I asked as we all sat in the formal living room and had after-dinner coffee while Mom tried to convince Glenna to dust a cobweb that she saw on the ceiling that no one else could actually see.

  “Of course you can stay here, Marisol. This is your home.” We both knew that wasn’t exactly the case. Sure, I had lived and grown up here, but it hadn’t really ever felt like a home. My apartment was much more of one, and the place I felt most at home was Fin’s, actually. Too bad I could never go back there. Such was life.

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  He stared at me and I started to get uncomfortable. He could probably see what Chase saw. I mean, he was my father so he knew my face better than almost anyone else.

  “Everything okay?” he asked in a low voice as Mom and Glenna argued. Mom was getting intense, but Glenna just kept making jokes and pissing Mom off further. It was hilarious to watch.

  “Yeah,” I said. Dad had figured out things with Fin had gone south the first time I’d come to the house after it had happened. I hadn’t come out and told him what had gone on, but he was smart.

  “Let me know if you want to talk, Marisol. I’m always here.” I definitely couldn’t talk to him about that, but it was sweet of him to offer.

  “It’s right there!” Mom said, jabbing her finger at the corner with the supposed cobweb. Finally, Glenna had had enough, so she went to one of the utility closets and got the duster the maids used to get such cobwebs and swirled it in the corner.

  “There. Happy now?” Glenna said. Mom glared at the spot and then looked at it from a few angles before nodding her approval.

  “That was a one-time thing. I am not a maid,” Glenna said before she put the duster back in the closet and resumed her spot and picked up her knitting again.

  I liked having Glenna here. She added something to our family dynamic that had been missing. She also smoothed out the rough edges and made it a hell of a lot more fun to be here.

  A little while later, Glenna forced Mom up to bed and it was just Dad and me. He still looked tired, but was in better spirits.

  “How are things going?” he asked. I knew what he was asking, but I wasn’t going to talk.

  “Good. I got invited to go to Rory’s company’s ball and Sloane made me the most amazing dress.” Oh, how I wished Fin could see me in that dress. But it wasn’t meant to be. Still, I’d have a blast with Chloe and Sloane and Rory.

  “Sounds like a good time. A
re you taking anyone?” Wow, fish much?

  “No, it’s just a girls’ thing. Well, Rory is bringing her man Lucas, but only because he works there. The rest of us are going solo.”

  He nodded and sipped the last of his coffee.

  “Maybe you’ll meet someone.” I shook my head.

  “I don’t want that right now, Dad. I can’t… I just don’t want that right now.” He set his cup down and leaned back in his chair. I recognized this pose as the one he adopted when he was about to tell me a story from his past. One of those bits of parental wisdom that you had to listen to, but didn’t necessarily need to take seriously. Sometimes you got gems, and sometimes you got something that was completely wrong. I wasn’t sure which this would be.

  “You know, I dated someone else before your mother.” Uh, this was news to me. As far as I knew, my parents were each other’s firsts. Their parents had engineered it that way, just as their parents had before them and so on and so forth to the beginning of time.

  “You did?” He nodded and I could tell he didn’t relish telling me this particular story. Interesting. My parents tended to avoid anything that was unpleasant or could show them in a bad light. They also weren’t big fans of the questions I would ask when they would tell such stories.

  “Yes. Her name was Sylvia and we went to school together. She was from a poor family and her parents were divorced. Most everyone avoided her at school because they were somehow afraid they would catch it, or some such thing.” I pulled my legs up onto my chair, something my mother wouldn’t allow, but I could probably get away with right now.

  “Anyway, we dated in secret for a while. I knew my parents wouldn’t approve of us being together and I knew it would never go anywhere because I was going to marry your mother. But the brief time we were together was nice. She was a sweet girl. Very funny. I was in love with her in the way you are when you’re seventeen. To make a long story short, my parents caught us together and it didn’t end well. She was gone from school the next week and I never heard from her again. Of course, we didn’t have your social media back then, so it wasn’t like I could look her up. I asked my parents what had happened, but of course they pretended they didn’t know anything. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we’d had more time together. But then I married your mother and we’re very happy. So it’s foolish to wonder now. Because it isn’t happening. If it were going to, it would have.” Okay that last part was confusing, but I did know where he was going. Basically, I shouldn’t let the Fin thing hold me back from being with someone else, because if I was meant to be with Fin, I’d be with him. Ugh. I didn’t want to hear that.

  “That’s a good point, Dad,” I said. There was no use arguing, or telling him his advice wasn’t helpful. It was so much easier to let him think that he’d helped me in some way. For both of us.

  “Just don’t write yourself off yet. You’re still very young.” It didn’t exactly feel that way. I remembered something Sapphire had said about being ancient. I didn’t want to think about her right now, but that moment had popped into my head.

  “Well, I’m really tired so I think I’m going to bed,” I said even though I wasn’t tired at all. Once again, I’d had coffee and was a little keyed up.

  “Goodnight, Marisol,” he said and I got up to give him a kiss on the cheek. As I was going upstairs, I ran into Glenna on her way down.

  “You look like you could use a sympathetic ear, my girl,” she said. Glenna missed nothing, which was what made her so good at her job.

  I knew she was going to come into my room anyway, so I just nodded.

  “Just let me grab my knitting,” she said, skipping down the stairs with the energy of a much-younger woman.

  I went into my room, which was pretty much the same as when my mother had decorated it, shortly before my junior year of high school. None of it was done to my taste, but I didn’t expect it to be. This was my parents’ house and the entire thing was Mom’s domain.

  Turning the lights on, I cringed before getting the overnight bag I’d brought with me. I didn’t fancy trying to fit myself into some of the clothes that were still carefully folded in the drawers. I wasn’t sure why Mom kept so many of my clothes here. It couldn’t be nostalgia, because she’d gotten rid of most everything else.

  I changed into my pajamas and got into bed. I kept having flashbacks of being young. Maybe it was a bad idea to stay the night. Glenna came in a few minutes later and in addition to her knitting bundled up in a bag she had two cups of steaming cocoa.

  “I thought you could use a little nightcap,” she said, handing me a cup.

  “There’s no booze in this, is there?” She laughed and shook her head as she settled into the totally uncomfortable chair near my bed.

  “I looked for a little nip of something, but couldn’t find anything. Your parents don’t have a very well-stocked liquor cabinet.” No, they didn’t. Mom was strictly a wine woman and Dad loved scotch. Other than that, they didn’t keep anything in the house. If they had a party, they’d just hire a bartender who would bring stuff in.

  I sipped the cocoa, which was just made from a powdered mix, but it was still good.

  “So, you want to talk about your breakup? Or we could talk about that new fellow you’ve started seeing.” What the what?

  “Are you psychic?” I asked and she laughed again as she set her cup on a small side table before she took out her needles and ball of yarn.

  “No. I’m just very good at reading people and situations. So, which would you like to talk about? Or maybe neither?” I sipped my cocoa and thought about it.

  “I’d rather not discuss either, but since you asked, Fin and I broke up. Things just weren’t working with him always being away. And then two days ago I started talking to this guy Chase. It’s not serious or anything. It’s not… I don’t know what it is, I haven’t even known him for a week. He’s nice and I like talking to him. That’s about it.” I pulled my covers higher and sank into my pillows. For a moment I imagined I was back in high school and Glenna was my kindly grandmother come to visit and give me sage advice. If only.

  “That sounds interesting,” she said with a little smile. “And may I ask you for a description of this Chase fellow?” I gave it to her. Everyone seemed very interested in Chase, even though I told them we weren’t dating and didn’t intend to date. But it didn’t seem to matter what I said. No one believed me.

  “He sounds like a nice boy. What does he do?” I sighed and gave her even more details about him. I should just write an FAQ on Chase and hand it out when people asked me about him.

  “And you like him,” she said. It wasn’t a question.

  “Yes, I like him, I like him. Why is everyone so obsessed with Chase?” I didn’t mean to sound rude, but I was getting tired of people poking their noses into my love life. It was just because they cared, but it was starting to get irritating.

  “Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just an old busybody. We can talk about something else. Have any exciting parties coming up? It’s almost that time of year.” Yes. Something I could talk about that didn’t involve someone who owned a penis.

  I told Glenna all about the ball and my dress in minute detail. She got very excited about the whole thing and started telling me about her younger days as I finished my cocoa. Maybe it was talking to Glenna and maybe it was the cocoa, but I felt myself relaxing into the bed and my eyes started getting heavier.

  “You look like you’re ready to go under. I’m just going to check on your mother again and then do some work before I head home. I think it’s really good of you to come and visit. Too many of my clients don’t have daughters that are as caring as you.” I knew being here now didn’t make up for being a neglectful daughter for so long. But there was nothing I could do about that. I could only try to do better now. Plus, I had more time and focus for this, which was as it should be.

  Glenna packed up her knitting again, which looked like it was going to be the world’s longest
scarf, and turned the lights off before quietly closing the door. Now I was having major flashbacks.

  I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t see the room anymore. Before I fell into a deep sleep, I decided Glenna must have drugged the cocoa after all.

  Meddling woman.

  Mom had a good night and was chipper the next morning. Of course, when I walked in, she scowled and asked what I was doing there. Guess this wasn’t one of her lucid days. Her brain was deteriorating at such a fast rate that we didn’t know how many “good” days we had left. It wore on my mind and I was almost grateful that I had more time now to devote to being with her for however many of those good days she had left. Dad and I hadn’t talked about how long she had left. I didn’t want to talk about it and neither did he. So we just didn’t.

  I ate breakfast with them and then had to head back to the city for school. I thought about texting Chase, but decided against it. I didn’t want him to think that I’d been thinking about him too much. Wasn’t there some sort of three-day rule about calling after a date or something like that? Sure, we weren’t dating, but that rule would probably still apply.

  I was still thinking about Fin and replaying our conversation in my head. I just couldn’t seem to shake him from my thoughts. Granted, I didn’t try all that hard to get rid of him. I didn’t want to. Living with the pain of losing him was better than not having known him at all. Or at least I thought so.

  In the end, Chase texted me. It was something totally silly, but it was a nice way to break the conversational ice. After that, I would text him a few times a day. We’d also meet up at the library and I got a hell of a lot of work done with him. He was definitely a good academic influence.

  We didn’t talk about what we were doing, even though we almost always got coffee together, and sometimes dinner. On the weekends, I thought about calling or messaging him and asking if he wanted to hang out, but I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.