Impossible Dreams

by Patricia Rice

“Well, Maya being a witch and all, she might manage that.” Axell prayed Maya had set a spell on her ex while he’d been gone, or he’d have to throw his ass out a window. He didn’t think a charge of assault would help him maintain his liquor license. The drug charge rumors were only just settling down.

  “The Impossible Dream” blared from the speakers as they reached the top of the stairs. One of these days he’d figure out if Maya’s choice of music reflected her mood. Maybe what he needed was more code words. Figuring out women was worse than untangling a Rubik’s cube. How the hell was he supposed to tell where things stood?

  The first thing he saw as he walked into the front room was the skinny musician in tight jeans cradling Alexa in his arms. Axell wasn’t prepared for the fury and possessiveness punching him in the gut at the sight of another man holding his daughter. His daughter. He hadn’t fully realized how he’d come to think of her. Alexa was his. And so was Maya. Primitive jungle instincts would have him circling the intruder shortly, waiting to rip his throat out.

  Axell automatically swung to the corner where Maya stood, hoping her serenity would civilize his unexpected surge of violence. He knew instinctively where she was at any given moment, just as he’d known to look out his office window when she walked down the street with Stephen.

  She wore her fey smile as she rocked with Matty on her lap, but Axell had the gut feeling that she was anything but happy. Gravitating in her direction, he introduced Stephen to Constance, then placed a reassuring hand on Maya’s shoulder. She didn’t relax, but she threw him a grin that trembled only a little.

  “I can take you and the kids out to the school, if you’d like,” he offered. “Why don’t you invite Stephen to supper?”

  “You have the lawyer, and the kids’ have the doctor’s...” She gestured helplessly.

  Stephen frowned at both of them. “We have to talk.”

  Axell grinned. He couldn’t help it. The situation had reached the limits of absurdity and Maya’s code phrase pushed him over. With the ease he used in escorting drunken bar patrons to a taxi, he crossed the room and appropriated Alexa from Stephen’s arms. He’d learned a lot about holding babies these past weeks, and he handled her with expertise now.

  “We’ll talk, but not now,” he told the startled young musician as he shifted Alexa to his shoulder. “Maya’s not strong enough yet for major battles. This apartment is empty for the moment. Make yourself at home and we’ll get back to you.”

  Oddly, Axell had the feeling Maya bristled like her cat as he took the reins, but that’s what he did—took charge. She might as well get used to it.

  “I’m not a weak, helpless idiot,” she whispered in protest as the kids ran down the stairs ahead of them a minute later.

  “No, but you’re supposed to pretend you are so I can feel like Amazon man. This is the south. Learn the culture.” Axell lifted the squirming baby from his shoulder and dropped her in Maya’s arms. “She’s wet.”

  “Amazon Man.” She shook her head in disbelief. “Why do I do this to myself? You’d think by now, I’d have learned.”

  “You’re a quick study,” he reassured her. Then before she could climb into the car and escape into the protection of the children, Axell caught her by her pointy little chin and made her look at him. “And you’re doing it because you’re as curious as I am to see what we’ll be like in bed.”

  That shocked her into speechlessness, he noted with satisfaction. He’d damned well never said anything so blatantly suggestive to any woman in his life, but with Maya, he felt free to say or do anything he pleased without frightening her. He could really get into that kind of understanding.

  But first, he had to eliminate the competition.

  ***

  “All right, Chickadees, what do you think Madeline should have told the teacher?”

  “She should have told the truth!” two of the Chickadee girls chirped.

  “That she’s full of dog poop,” the outnumbered male Chickadee answered sullenly.

  Silently, Maya had to agree with the boy. Sometimes, honesty just didn’t pay and dog poop was much more satisfying. She didn’t think the children’s parents would agree.

  She held up the book she’d been reading to them. “Well, let’s see if Madeline chooses truth or dog poop.”

  The children laughed and giggled, and she relaxed into the story. She loved the Madeline books. Maybe she would run away to New York and sell children’s book illustrations. Anything was better than a town with both Axell and Steve in it.

  Or maybe even the whole state wasn’t wide enough to hold her and all her troubles, she decided a little later as Selene flagged her down before she could escape for the day.

  “Did you know that miniskirted bitch of Axell’s is working for the mayor now?” Selene demanded as soon as Maya shut the office door.

  “I do believe three or four people may have mentioned it,” she said, dropping onto the couch. “People do seem to have an interest in Katherine the Long-Legged.” She looked at Selene with curiosity. Her partner didn’t use words like “bitch” lightly.

  Selene ignored her sarcasm. “The Scorned Woman and the Bought Mayor are a bad combination, girl. I oughta know. I went to school with Ralph Arnold back when I bothered going. That man isn’t a skirt chaser. He’s a manipulator. And so’s she.”

  Selene and the mayor in the same school? A private one, no doubt. Wealthy families around here supported an abundance of them. She didn’t follow Selene’s train of thought, however.

  Sighing with impatience, Selene pointed out the obvious. “Now that we’ve nailed the school license inspection, those two are pushing for the highway condemnation route, and there ain’t a man on that DOT board who’s going to see anything but Katherine’s legs when she makes her spiel.”

  “Well, we could always get one of the secretaries to substitute the bill with one favoring us, and hope their minds are so addled they won’t notice the difference,” Maya suggested brightly.

  Selene glared. “That’s weak, even for you. All right, spill, girlfriend. Is that Viking of yours giving you grief?”

  Maya worked her shoulders edgily beneath the gauzy layers of her dress. “The world’s giving me grief. It’s nothing new. Alexa’s father showed up today.”

  “And you didn’t tell me?” Selene shrieked. “Girl, what did you do?”

  “Nothing, yet.” Maya stood and reached for the door. “Look, I’ve got to get the kids to the doctor. I’ll tell Axell about the road condemnation thing, though right about now, I’d say he ought to be sick and tired of all my problems.”

  “Does that musician fellow want you back?” Selene demanded shrewdly. “Is that the problem? You’re regretting playing yuppie lady already?”

  Maya tilted her head and thought about it. “No, I’m not exactly regretting it. Axell will be a much better father, if only because he’ll be there and Stephen wouldn’t. I’m just wondering if I should have steered clear of men altogether. They mess up my mind.”

  “Your mind’s already messed, but I agree, men don’t help it none. Maybe you should go back to living at the store until you work it out.”

  “Repay Axell for all his hard work by moving out? I don’t think so. Besides, he’s installed Stephen in the apartment.”

  “One round for the white boy.” Selene whistled appreciatively. “I thought the place was still closed for repairs.”

  “Axell thinks we’ll get a clean inspection next week. I suppose, if Stephen isn’t paying rent, maybe his staying there doesn’t count. If I dawdle around long enough, perhaps he’ll get tired of waiting and leave me alone. Stephen never hangs around long.”

  “Oh, no doubt you’ll wiggle your way out of this, too, but someday, you’re going to hit that wall, girl, and you’ll have to face a few realities.”

  “Yeah, thanks, I needed that reminder on a day like today.” With a wry twist of her lips, Maya went to collect the kids.

  And with her luck, she supposed she wouldn�
��t see the wall until she ran slap bang into it.

  ***

  Axell walked into the kitchen as Maya was clearing the table after supper. She caught Matty’s glass as he threw it at the dishwasher in his haste to get a hug before Constance did.

  “I thought you were eating at the restaurant,” she said as noncommittally as she could with her heart banging through her rib cage. Axell didn’t exactly have his “happy” face on, but he bent and hugged Matty, as if he were an old hand at dispensing hugs.

  “I thought maybe we should talk,” he said in the same offhand manner.

  Maya glanced up sharply at Constance’s snicker, but Axell’s expression remained bland. She waved a dirty fork at her stepdaughter. Stepdaughter. She’d never thought to have such a thing, but that was the right legal term, she was certain. “You need to pick out your clothes for tomorrow. Matty, you, too.”

  Prepared to protest, Constance caught her father’s eye, thought better of it, and grabbed Matty’s hand. “We’ll both wear dragons tomorrow,” she said defiantly, dragging Matty after her.

  “You never did tell me how you got Constance to dress on her own.” Voice still neutral, Axell helped clear the rest of the table.

  Baby Alexa was awake but not protesting yet. Maya straightened her in the infant seat rather than face Axell. “It was just her means of getting your attention for a few extra minutes a day. Kids have weird ways of striking back when all’s not well in their universe. After she picks out her clothes, I go in and compliment her choice, find a barrette or ribbon that matches, discuss what the other kids are wearing, and she’s happy.”

  “Are you telling me this now so I’ll know how to handle the problem after you leave?” he asked quietly.

  The glass in Maya’s hand smashed to the floor with the same effect as the bombshell Axell had dropped. She stared at it stupidly for all of a minute before bending over to clean it up while furtively glancing up to her husband. Her husband. She was having a hard time adjusting to these labels. This one diminished her somehow, as if she weren’t a whole person in her own right any longer.

  “What on earth made you ask that?” she demanded, almost angrily. She’d had enough confusion from her own head for one day. She didn’t need his.

  Axell grabbed the infant-seat handle and Maya’s elbow with almost the same motion. “You look beat. Let’s sit down first.”

  She shook off his hand. “Fine time to think of that. It’s a wonder I didn’t fall flat on my face.” But the familiar messiness of the family room beckoned, and she escaped to the haven it offered, wrapping herself in the throw as she hit the sofa. Remembering the last time they’d had a heated discussion in here, he’d kicked shoes like footballs, she braced herself. “Explain.”

  Setting the baby seat on the table, Axell paced the room, straightening picture frames and knickknacks. “Just because a man is a lousy father, doesn’t mean you can’t love him. Stephen’s young and good-looking and from what he says, he probably has an exciting future ahead of him, a much more exciting one than I can offer.”

  Maya thought if she had the energy, she’d laugh. “You think I crave excitement? If I want excitement, I’ve got collapsing buildings and road condemnations and Matty’s social worker and my sister for excitement. Stephen’s brand doesn’t begin to compare.”

  She saw Axell’s mouth tighten in disbelief, but she didn’t have the power to drive his doubts away. They didn’t have that kind of relationship.

  “I know I pushed you into this marriage at a time you were vulnerable and didn’t have a lot of options,” he insisted. “I thought two intelligent people could work it out. But I know women don’t think like I do, that they want things I can’t always give, and I don’t want to be the cause of your unhappiness. If you want out, better say it now, before our lives get any more entangled and the kids get hurt too badly.”

  Maya shivered inside. She’d been shoved aside so often in her life, she knew when it was time to pack up and leave. Had it just been her, she would be out the door right now. But she had the kids to think of, and she knew damned well that kids didn’t need to be shoved from pillar to post like so much furniture. For them, she would learn to dig in and hold her ground.

  If she fought him, would she drive him away even faster?

  Uncertainty swamped her. Since the age of ten she’d been misunderstood, unloved, unwanted...

  Was it too much to ask for just one person to see that she was perfectly rational, and as capable of doing the right thing as everyone else? What the hell did he think she would do, hop Stephen’s concert bus with infant in arms and play groupie?

  She was afraid to look at him, afraid to see disapproval in the eyes of a man she’d come to respect and rely on. She’d hoped... But she knew all about the uselessness of hope.

  “Unless you’re telling me that you’re tired of my problems and want me gone, I’m not going anywhere, Axell.” She might as well throw down the oars and start bailing. “You knew I was a disaster waiting to happen when we married. Are you chickening out at the first rough spot in the road?”

  He stiffened, and crumpled the discarded newspaper in his hand. “I’m not chickening out of anything. I just don’t want you running off in the middle of the night, leaving Constance brokenhearted.”

  If she wasn’t feeling so battered, she’d slide into his arms and kiss him. This wasn’t about her! This was about his late wife, Angela, and maybe his parents, and all the other people in his life who’d left him. Relief overwhelmed her, and she had to fight back a smile as she reassured him instead of the other way around. “There’s no thunderstorm, there’s no sports car in the garage, and I think I’d like a gardenia bush outside that bay window. Can I order gardenia bushes planted? Or do I have to dig the hole myself?”

  Axell stared at her as he slowly processed her leaps of logic, blinked, then shoved his hand across his hair, and shook his head. “I’ll dig the hole. Just tell me where you want it.” His hands relaxed their tense grip on the newspaper as he watched her quizzically. “You really are planning to stay, aren’t you?”

  Maya beamed and reached over to pat his arm. “I like men with both feet on the ground who know how to deliver babies.”

  “Even if I am as boring as yesterday’s news and not the latest rock singing sensation?”

  “Stevie can write lullabies,” she answered dryly, climbing to her feet with his assistance. “But you’ll be there to rock the cradle. Don’t ever underestimate me like that again, Holm, or I’ll whip your head off so fast you won’t know what hit you.”

  Axell watched her go with a burgeoning feeling of dread deep in his heart. Maya was so beautiful, so talented, so wise in so many ways, and so damned ephemeral, that one of these days she would have to sprout wings and fly like a butterfly.

  And he had the perishing feeling that her departure would kill him.

  ***

  January, 1946

  I saw Helen in town today. She looked pale but more beautiful than ever. She looked right through me as if I didn’t exist. She must regret sending that letter, but I can’t get it off my mind. My “wicked, sinful lips” ache for hers. I’ve not dared to so much as brush Dolly’s cheeks with them.

  I’m not a sentimental man. I thought what we shared was of the flesh only, but may the Lord have mercy on me, I crave Helen with all my body and soul.

  The town calls her a fallen woman, but she’s not. She’s warmhearted and fun-loving and in desperate search of what her cold and calculating uncle cannot give. Had her parents lived... There’s no point in speculating. She needs rescuing, but I don’t know if I have what it takes to do it.

  If I lose my job, I’ll lose the land and the house my grandfather built and my sister will go homeless. Can I choose love over honor and respectability?

  I look in the mirror and see a coward.

  Twenty-three

  Always remember, you’re unique, just like everybody else.

  Chimes tinkled a musical scale
as Axell opened the door to newly-reopened Curiosity Shoppe. The powerful thunder of waves rushing to shore roared over the chimes. May sunshine poured through the plate windows, and the breeze that followed him in stirred dancing rainbows from the crystals sparkling overhead. The kiosk of brightly-hued bumper stickers swayed as he brushed past, and he noticed Maya had stuck still another quote on the sticker collage forming between the shelves.

  Her cheerful “I’m up here” was a startling reversal of his first entrance into his wife’s wonderful wacky world, and curiosity escalating, Axell scanned the ceiling.

  Maya sat on a high stepladder, carefully hooking what appeared to be multicolored ribbons of a hanging mobile to an emerald green papier-mâché dragon. Among the streamers hung grinning gnomes, surly trolls, and crystal treasures. In the nearly seven weeks since their marriage, Axell had discovered his wife’s creative mind had a few more twists than he’d suspected.

  “I think you’re supposed to put a mobile together before you hang it,” he said cautiously, watching her lean from the ladder to reach the hook she wanted. With the warmer weather, she had taken to wearing short tight tank tops beneath loose blouses, but he’d noticed she usually shed the blouses when she was alone, which was probably why he was here. He’d known she’d be alone.

  He admired the bounce of Maya’s unfettered breasts as she climbed down. She’d been forced to give up trying to nurse Alexa, but her breasts were still as full as a man could desire, not to mention high and firm and easily discerned beneath that damned tight knit. Sometimes, he thought she wore those shirts to taunt him. His restraint was near the cracking point. Maintaining any semblance of equanimity in her presence was a challenge that might break him.

  “But I didn’t know where the streamers belonged until I hung it.”

  She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek, and Axell responded to the scent of hyacinths wrapping around him. Maya wore the damnedest perfumes. If he was a man of any less restraint, he’d have her down on the floor by now.

  As it was, he had to ball his fingers into fists to prevent grabbing her by the waist and swallowing her tongue. He knew he could kiss any resistance good-bye if he so much as touched her, and he didn’t think making love to his wife in full view of the public would enhance either of their reputations. He almost had the Alcoholic Beverage Control board believing in his sterling character.