Dead Man Gaming

by A. J. Markam

  “Okay, tell them I went to Vegas,” I relented. “Just… let Baba know I’m okay.”

  “I will. She’ll be happy.”

  “Alright, Ma… I have to go.”

  “I love you, Jimmy.”

  “I love you too, Ma.”

  “And remember, wear a condom – especially when you’re drunk – ”

  “BYE MA!” I yelled, and hung up the phone.

  After that conversation, being kept prisoner by the FBI didn’t seem quite so bad.

  19

  A couple minutes later, an FBI agent knocked on the door and walked in with a small tray of food: a bagel, two single-serve packs of cream cheese, a styrofoam cup of coffee, and a small bottle of orange juice that looked like it had come out of a vending machine.

  “Thanks,” I said, as I started to wolf down the bagel.

  He just gave me a pissed-off look, then exited the room.

  I didn’t care. I was just grateful for the food.

  After I finished, I decided to go back in the game. Why not? The alternative was sitting around here in an empty room, doing nothing.

  I climbed inside the pod, settled in and got comfortable… and then wondered what the hell I was supposed to do to get back inside the game.

  “Uh… log on?” I asked timidly, unsure of whether that was the right thing to say or not.

  Apparently it was good enough, because the feminine computer voice said, “Initiating logon sequence.”

  The gullwing door closed, the little sensors popped out next to my head, there was an electronic whir, and then suddenly everything went black.

  When I came to, I was back in the game, exactly where I’d left, standing in the town. I checked my map to see where I should go.

  However, when I looked at the map, there was no glowing circle like normal to tell me where to go.

  That’s weird…

  I noticed that off to the right side of the map there was an arrow that looked like it might have some sort of menu function. I tapped on it, and immediately the rest of the window opened up like a scroll unfolding. At the top of the new section was a ‘1’ next to the words Deliver Magistrate Taleros’s Message to Frontline. I tapped the number, it glowed, and suddenly the images on the map scrolled across the page to show a different location.

  Apparently I should follow the road for several miles to some other town. That was where the glowing circle was.

  Great. A long-distance trip on foot.

  I dismissed the map and thought about what to do.

  Well, first off, I needed to get rid of some of the crap I had been carrying around. And I needed to try on my new clothes.

  I opened up my bag and selected Furion’s boots. As if by magic, they suddenly appeared on my feet. When I checked out my Stats page, it showed my newly updated armor with bonuses to agility and stamina. I also had something called critical strike, which was at 5%, but I had no idea what it was so I ignored it.

  Now I had a bag full of scraps of old clothing, two crappy daggers, and a few extra spider parts. I went and sought out the blacksmith from earlier, sold everything for about 50 coppers, and then wandered along the stalls of merchants to see what I could buy.

  There wasn’t much in my price range. Even worse, apparently I had to be at a much higher level to buy the more badass weapons. But I did find a guy who sold leather goods – including bags. There was a 10 slot bag for 5 silver, which I could afford – although it would nearly wipe me out.

  I reasoned that I couldn’t buy weapons, and I was getting clothing from my missions, so it might be a good idea to have the ability to carry more stuff if I was going to be traveling miles at a time. God knows what I might pick up along the way.

  And I wasn’t talking about an STD from an imaginary girl in Vegas, either.

  I bought the bag and then realized I had no idea how to use it. I figured I would just tuck it away until Arkova showed up, so I shoved it in my regular bag.

  Almost immediately, two windows appeared – the old bag and the new one. I had accidentally stumbled onto how to make them both show up.

  Excellent!

  My money almost completely depleted, I figured now was the time to leave, so I set off down the cobblestone road out of town.

  As I walked, the landscape began to change. Small houses and farms appeared off to the side of the road, and giant spiders and mangy-looking wolves lurked amongst the trees. As long as I stuck to the path, they didn’t come after me – but I got nervous all the same, and went into Stealth mode. I figured I would rather play it safe, especially in case any Starlight Crusaders showed up unannounced.

  As I walked down the road, the gloomy skies and darkness never relented. I felt like I was stuck in a horror movie.

  Something completely new appeared soon. About two miles away from the town, a road branched off to the west. I could see in the far distance that it continued through grassy fields that looked like wheat. What’s more, I could see blue skies and the outline of mountains on the horizon far, far away.

  I stopped by the signpost at the juncture of the paths. It had arrow-shaped boards pointing in all three directions. The one that pointed back to where I had come from said Othril, the one pointing along the road I was traveling said Markolis, and the one that pointed towards the mountains said Huffordshire.

  Part of me wanted to ditch the whole mission, just run off and go chasing after the blue sky, but I had no idea what was waiting up there. At least I knew I had someplace to go and gain experience points if I kept along the current path. So I gave up the beautiful scenery and continued on the road.

  There weren’t many other travelers – a few here and there, but most of them had transportation of some kind. Horses, or giant rams with horns, even big burning cats made out of fire. I even saw some people flying overhead. There were several eagle-looking things with cat’s bodies. I saw a couple of giant bats. And one dude, I kid you not, had a flying carpet. All I knew was, I had to get me one of those things as soon as I could. It would beat the hell out of walking, that was for sure.

  As I traveled down the road, I thought about a lot of things. The FBI. Them framing me. The Russians. My horrible bad luck.

  About Rod, and what I was going to do to that asshole when I got free and clear of the FBI.

  I mean, to frame your best friend… NOT to save your little brother from the mob, but to get a lighter sentence from the cops? Knowing full well that a third strike would send me to prison for life?!

  I wanted that asshole to PAY.

  I’m not normally a violent person, but all I could think about was slow and painful ways to kill him. Maybe it was all the computer-game killing I’d been doing the last few hours, but it got me in the mood for revenge.

  I didn’t want to go to prison for killing him, that much was for sure. I’m not even sure I wanted him dead… not really. But I did want him to suffer in the worst possible way.

  I could probably just let it be known around town that he was a snitch – that he dimed me out to the feds. That way, somebody else might take care of the problem for me. But I really wanted the satisfaction of seeing that bastard suffer.

  I imagined him showing up in the video game, so I could take my knives and my creepy-ass dead guy’s face and Backstab and Vicious Strike him until he was lying in a puddle of blood at my feet.

  One million experience points, bitch.

  That fantasy kept me entertained until I finally reached the town.

  I actually heard it first. There were sounds of gunfire and cannons going off in the far distance.

  Gunfire?

  Cannons?!

  I thought this game was Dungeons & Dragons type shit. I didn’t realize gunpowder even existed.

  Then again, I was a dead guy who could turn invisible and come back repeatedly from the dead. Cannons and guns weren’t that big of a stretch, I guessed.

  As I got closer to the town, I could see a bunch of two- and three-story buildings in the darkness and g
loom. Beyond those, there appeared to be more buildings – maybe even some sort of town square – where I could hear the ringing of swords and angry shouting.

  I didn’t want to get too close to the battle, so I followed my map to the glowing circle.

  As I did, I passed progressively weirder and weirder-looking dead people.

  There were women stirring pots giving off symbols in puffs of smoke… guys in lab coats and weird eyewear… slabs with Frankenstein monster-looking mofos hooked up to electrical equipment, with arcs of electricity slowly rising up between two metallic coils.

  It was like I’d been transported into a B-movie from fifty years ago, but in living color and detail.

  Finally I reached the guy I wanted – Captain Varitu. I could tell it was him by the yellow question mark over his head. He was an imposing soldier with a metal helmet and a flowing black cape. As soon as I got within range, he glared at me with the one good eyeball in his rotting face.

  “Well?” he snarled. “What you want?”

  I pulled the letter from Magistrate Taleros out of my bag and handed it over. He ripped apart the sealed pages, took a look, and suddenly his tune changed.

  “Excellent news! I am happy to see the Township has sent me something of use – finally!”

  A translucent number drifted through the air, but at this point I wasn’t even paying attention to the points. I knew I would level up when it was time.

  A golden ‘!’ appeared over the captain’s head, and he began to talk again.

  “As long as you’re here, let’s put you to good use.” He pointed past the nearest string of buildings, towards the sound of the cannons and clashing swords. “Get out there, slaughter the enemy, and I will reward you handsomely.”

  The window appeared like always. If I did as he said, I would get 10 silver, 500 experience points, and some kind of leather helmet.

  Okay… Not bad…

  I accepted, activated Stealth mode, and edged my way towards the sound of battle.

  As soon as I got out there, though, whatever was left of my insides turned into quivering Jell-o. The town square looked like a cross between Saving Private Ryan and medieval history, with a few extra monsters thrown in for good measure.

  Parts of the town had burned down, and undead soldiers were battling humans among the charred ruins. Cannons on the human side boomed every few seconds, mowing down entire groups of dead soldiers, I guess making them deader than dead.

  The whole thing look like hell on earth. A far cry from the forests I’d been in, no matter how dark and gloomy.

  I sighed. If this was what I needed to do to level up, so be it.

  That attitude lasted about 20 seconds.

  I ran towards my first victim and stabbed. Only thing was, this guy didn’t go down as quickly as those Starlight Crusaders in the forest. Maybe it was the heavier armor. He definitely had a sharper, meaner sword. I must’ve hit him seven or eight times, and he was still on his feet when my hit points ran out.

  Seconds later, I found myself in a graveyard on the gloomy side of town, back with all the freaks and Frankenstein’s monsters – not to mention the Grim Reaper. I swear, the guy was like Santa Claus – if cemeteries were malls at Christmastime, you’d find him at every single one of them.

  I ghosted my way through the town, back to the battlefield, and leapt back into my body. I attacked the exact same guy.

  Thirty seconds later, I was back in the cemetery.

  Screw this, I thought. The whole situation reminded me of the FBI back in the real world. I had been drafted into a fight I had no interest in, and the same thing was going on here. It was somebody else’s war, so let them fight it.

  I remembered the golden fields of wheat and blue skies. That’s where I wanted to be – not this weird-ass Battle of the Bulge.

  My ghost ran back to the battlefield and jumped in my body again, but this time I didn’t engage the enemy – I just took off in the opposite direction. One of the enemy soldiers followed me and stabbed me in the back a couple of times, and I almost died again – but I was able to limp back onto friendly ground and make it to Captain Varitu while a couple of other Revenant soldiers killed my attacker.

  The captain looked down at me like I was a worm in the dirt, then returned his gaze to the battlefield.

  Back at you dude, I thought, and went into Stealth mode and hustled my ass out of that village.

  Nobody followed me. Nobody tried to stop me. Apparently there were no repercussions for desertion when you’re already dead.

  I traveled back to the fork in the road and started up the path towards the golden fields. The further I went up the new path, the prettier things became. Only with distance could I see that the ever-present gloom came from massive storm clouds hanging over the forest. Once I was out from under them, the darkness lifted.

  Finally! My heart grew lighter, and I was sure that this was what I was meant to do.

  I walked for about 30 minutes before I saw the first sign of some kind of habitation. It was a farm on the side of the road, with a bunch of goblins in overalls. It was kind of a weird sight – but then again, I had no idea what goblins actually did in this world. Maybe somewhere else they were lawyers and doctors.

  “Please,” one named Gorkus croaked. Judging from his size, I figured he was the head of the family. “You have to help us!”

  The golden exclamation point over his head was enough for me to give him a listen. As soon as I stopped, he went on.

  “We are being attacked by bandits! They take all our grain and slaughter our animals. At this rate, we won’t survive the winter when it comes. Please, if you help us, I will give you what we have!”

  A window appeared detailing the rewards for the quest: some sort of goblin ring that gave +8 agility, and a pair of pants that weren’t anything better than what I already owned. I would get 400 experience points plus two silver, but in return, I had to kill six bandits.

  The deal back in town was better.

  “Sorry, dude,” I said. It probably would’ve been harder to turn him down if he weren’t all green and warty. “I have to go.”

  The ‘Decline’ button glowed, the window disappeared, and the goblin looked down, his shoulders slumped and dejected.

  I felt a little bad about it, but reminded myself this was a videogame. As far as I was concerned, from here on out it was every man for himself.

  20

  By the time I reached the mountains, though, I was seriously rethinking my position.

  I had to walk for nearly an hour to get to the foothills. Along the way, I barely saw anybody else. I was beginning to think I would never see any more action, that I might’ve fallen off the edge of the earth – so to speak – as far as adventure went.

  That’s when the ground starting to shake beneath my feet.

  I immediately went into Stealth mode.

  Coming around a boulder was the biggest bastard I’ve ever seen in my life. The guy must’ve been 15 feet tall, and he was carrying a club the size of a tree trunk. He was ugly as all get-out, with a face that looked seriously inbred. All he wore was a ragged loincloth and a bunch of furs wrapped around his feet.

  This didn’t look good.

  On the other hand, I hadn’t seen anything since the goblin farmer to suggest I was going to get any experience points anytime soon. I remembered what Arkova said about grinding. Quests might be preferable – but since I didn’t like any of the quests, might as well try grinding here.

  I pulled Backstab on the guy as he walked past me and immediately came out of Stealth.

  He roared. Not shouted – ROARED. Like a lion infuriated by a BB gun.

  In fact, that was about all my daggers had done to him. His health bar had budged maybe 1%.

  Uh-oh.

  He turned around with blinding speed, raised the club in the air, and swung it straight down at my head.

  I barely had time to blink before I found myself in a graveyard.

  It was a tin
y little burial plot maybe halfway up the slope of a mountain. There were a bunch of rough stones laid out on the ground, a few dried up wildflowers baking in the sun, and not much else.

  But there was my old friend the Grim Reaper.

  He was getting to be like that next-door neighbor you never talk to, but you always wave to when you leave for work in the morning. Except that I was basically ‘leaving for work’ every 30 minutes or so.

  I sighed and ran down the mountain in my ghost form.

  I got back to my body, which was lying crumpled along the path. The giant was nowhere to be seen, so I jumped back in and got to my feet.

  I was in a bit of a quandary.

  As far as I knew, these mountains were filled with giants with clubs – and maybe worse. If they could kill me with one blow, that didn’t exactly bode well for my future.

  It looked like my only option was to either go back to the front-line hell… or check out what the goblin farmer had to offer.

  I cursed the game. My luck here wasn’t looking much better than in real life.

  I went into Stealth mode and started down the hill. It took me an hour to get back to the farm, but during that time I had plenty of time to think about my options.

  If the bandit quest was easier than that bloodbath back in town, maybe I could level up here… then go back and kick some serious ass on the battlefield. That seemed like my best option.

  I found the goblin out in his front yard just like before. “Please, kind sir – can you help me?”

  He started talking. As soon as the window appeared, I said, “Accept.” The window disappeared, and the goblin beamed.

  “Oh thank you, sir! We will be forever in your debt!” The little green farmer pointed at the crops behind the house. “That’s where you’ll find them. They like to hide in the fields, ambush my workers, and steal their belongings – if they don’t outright kill them. Be careful, stranger!”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I said as I set off to go kill some bandits.