Dead Man Gaming

by A. J. Markam

  Suddenly Russell made a face and sniffed. “Jayzus, what’s that smell?”

  “He’s been hanging out in a sewer,” Richard said.

  “More like wallowing in pig shite, smells like.”

  “I gotta go,” I said. “I’ll see you guys afterwards. Remember – noon!”

  “Quit worrying, dude,” Slothfart grinned. “We got this!”

  “That sounds appallingly close to famous last words,” Richard remarked.

  Slothfart turned around and yelled, “Bartender – another round for the whole place!”

  I slipped out of the bar as a gigantic cheer went up.

  77

  I met Jen in an alleyway across from the sewer grate.

  “Got the amulet?” I asked.

  “Yes,” she said, holding it up.

  “Good – let’s go.”

  I grabbed her hand and started to pull her along – but she resisted.

  I turned around in surprise. “What’s wrong?”

  She leaned in quickly and kissed me on the mouth. Then she pulled back and smiled mischievously. “For luck. I thought we ought to get that out of the way, since I really don’t want to kiss you down in the sewers.”

  I grinned, then nodded. “We need to do some more of that again afterwards.”

  “Count on it.”

  We ran across the street, crawled down past the grate, and then ran through the sewers.

  We reached the Earth Mage within five minutes. Just feet away from him was a now three-foot-wide hole in the wall. A pile of rubble sat at the base, forming a natural ramp up into the tunnel.

  “Oh shit…” Jen murmured.

  “What?”

  “I can see the magical defenses on the Bank.”

  I’d forgotten Jen had the ‘Detect Magic’ skill now.

  “What does it look like?”

  “Like somebody painted it with green code from The Matrix and strung some Christmas lights and police sirens all over it.”

  “He’s almost finished,” the Earth Mage informed us.

  “No ‘almost’ about it,” a squeaky voice said as bright light shone in our faces. “It’s finished. Hey, Sugar Tits!”

  I saw Jen’s hand twitch the slightest, and I knew she was holding herself back from hitting him with a Ray of Frost.

  Instead all she said was, “Don’t be an asshole.”

  “Would an asshole have carved out rungs into the walls of the vertical shaft for you? No.”

  “Rungs?”

  “It’s a 20-foot climb, so I figured you guys needed some way to get up there.” The rat gave me a conspiratorial wink. “If you ain’t been up her skirts already, let her go first – you’ll get an eyeful.”

  Frost crystals danced around Jen’s fingers. “You’re about to get an eyeful.”

  Before she could attack him, I asked, “Have you been up in the safe room? Was there anybody there?”

  “It’s fine. Totally checked out. Far as I can see, nobody’s been inside. By the way, here’s a little somethin’ for ya,” he said as he handed me a glowing sphere of quartz. “It’s dark in there – that’ll at least get you through the tunnel and up into the room. Otherwise you’re good to go.”

  “Thanks, Joe,” I said, and gave him several diamonds. “There’s the rest of the payment.”

  “All right – we’re outta here! Pleasure doin’ business with you! Let’s scram!” the Rat said to the Earth Mage, who gave us a quick wave before they both disappeared into the darkness and out of sight.

  I looked at Jen. “You ready for this?”

  “How much longer do we have?”

  I checked the pocket watch. “Five minutes till the diversion. We can head on up there, but we can’t do anything but wait until 12 o’clock exactly.”

  “Let’s go then.”

  I climbed the dirt ramp up into the hole, and Jen followed close behind me. Thank God for the crystal – the tunnel was pitch black otherwise.

  Sure enough, Joe had carved deep rungs into the walls of the vertical tunnel leading up to the safe room. That was smart of him – it would have been a pain in the ass to get up there otherwise.

  I emerged into the safe room, and the lights from the crystals along the walls flickered on. Jen climbed up behind me.

  “All right – so I’m the bag lady, right?” she whispered.

  “I would never call you a bag lady,” I grinned. “But yes, you will be collecting the contributions from the criminal underworld.”

  We had such a limited amount of time that I didn’t have the luxury of emptying the safes myself. The plan was to break into his many rooms as possible, pick the locks, then move on to another safe. Jen would follow in my wake and clean out whatever was inside.

  I pulled out the key that the elf bank manager had provided, inserted it into the safe, and opened the door.

  “Isn’t that cheating for a safecracker?” she teased.

  “Not since it’s our money,” I whispered, and dumped the trays of jewels into the bag she held out.

  After the safe was empty and I had retrieved the key – whose absence I hoped would make the bank think that I had been robbed, as well – we each pulled out clean boots from our bags and exchanged them for our sewage-stained ones. Then we dropped the smelly footwear down the tunnel.

  I glanced at my ornate pocket watch.

  11:58.

  I whispered to Jen, “I’m sending you a request for a private chat.”

  Once she accepted it I said, “Check with them just make sure.”

  She held the amulet in her hand and asked, “You guys ready?”

  Since the amulet belonged to her and she was in the private chat, no one outside would hear the conversation.

  “First check with Arkova,” I instructed.

  Jen nodded. “Arkova, are you there?”

  “I’m in position.”

  “Is my family safe?” I asked.

  “Yes. They’re in a secure location, which I’m not about to disclose over an open channel.”

  I felt my entire body relax. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Are YOU ready?”

  “I am now.” I looked at Jen. “Check with the others.”

  “Guys, you ready?” Jen asked.

  “Yup,” Slothfart’s voice said over the amulet. Then we could hear him talking to somebody else like he was inspecting the troops: “Dude, what are you doing? Get your friggin’ costume on! Okay, you look good, you look fine – ”

  “Ready Freddie!” Russell said cheerfully over his amulet.

  “Ready, whether I like it or not,’” Richard said over the line.

  “All right,” I said. “Commencing Operation Shadow Theft in three… two… one.”

  There was the muffled scream of a mob charging into the streets – like soccer hooligans crossed with the Scots from Braveheart.

  Jen let go of the amulet. As soon as she did, it went silent, and we exited out of the chat room.

  We waited with baited breath.

  There was a voice outside in the hallway. “Come quick – somebody’s attacking the bank!”

  Footsteps ran down the hall – several sets of them, actually – followed by silence.

  I looked at Jen, put one finger to my lips, went into Stealth, and opened the door slowly.

  Nobody was in the hallway.

  But I could definitely hear the sounds of battle nearby – the clanging of swords, the casting of fireballs, a bunch of enraged screams, and 60 drunk guys yelling at once.

  I cracked the door and left Jen inside the safe room, then hit Fleet Foot.

  I ran up the stairs and through the second-story hallway. Not a single guard was around – they were all outside fighting the flash mob.

  I reached the iron door of the Spell Room and pulled out three grenades from my bag.

  Remembering what the elf had done, I knocked on the door – fast raps, three slow, then three more fast – which immediately pulled me out of Stealth.

&n
bsp; “Yes?” came the familiar voice from within.

  “We’re under attack,” I said, trying to emulate the elf’s snooty tones. “Open up.”

  The voice was confused. “Why would I open up if we’re under attack?”

  “It’s not safe out here! They’re flooding the lobby – I need to get in! NOW!”

  The mousy little Mage buckled under the anger in my voice. Bad mistake on his part.

  As soon as I heard the bolt withdrawing, I pulled the keys out of all three grenades and went back into Stealth.

  Ten… nine… eight…

  The door creaked open and the wizard looked out into an apparently empty hallway.

  “…what?” he asked in confusion.

  Meanwhile, I tossed the three grenades over his head.

  …five… four…

  He heard them hit the ground behind him and whirled around, ready to attack.

  I kicked the door closed and then dove out of the way.

  BOOM!

  The explosion blew the iron door open in a burst of fire and smoke and slammed it hard against the wall, nearly tearing it off its hinges.

  I waited to see if anyone would stagger out of the smoke boiling from the room –

  No one did.

  One less employee of the Shadow Bank I have to worry about.

  Not only that, but now the anti-teleportation defenses were gone.

  Once I was back on the first floor, I searched out the orcs’ rooms and found them: 45, 47, 49, 51, 53.

  I immediately turned around and looked at the even-numbered doors across the hall. I decided on 50 and inspected the lock.

  Fire magic with Air and Shadow… corkscrew to the left, 90 degree lever to the right –

  I reached into my bag and got out the appropriate tools. I’d spent all last night Enchanting dozens of each kind of pick, since each was good for one use only. I couldn’t waste time creating a Dark Magic pick if I happened to run out.

  I began my work, nervous as hell. I just knew that any second, dozens of footsteps would start thundering down the hallway towards me –

  CLICK.

  The door opened.

  Ha! I thought in triumph.

  I opened the door, turned around, and whispered harshly, “Jen!”

  She came out of the room at the other end of the hallway, closed the door leaving it just slightly cracked, then ran as fast as she could until she reached me.

  I shut the door behind us and began to work on the first safe.

  She looked around in surprise. I knew why: there were only three safes in the room. She’d been expecting more.

  “This is the orcs’ room?”

  “No,” I said as I concentrated on the safe’s lock. It was a relatively simple one compared to the door to the room.

  Water magic and Light, tumblers on the bottom of the lock –

  Click. The safe door swung open.

  I moved on to the next one, and Jen took my place with her open bag in front of the safe.

  “Why aren’t we robbing the orcs?” she whispered as she poured tray after tray of jewels and gold bars into her open bag.

  Shadow magic lock only… simple tumbler system…

  Click.

  “Because I don’t want to piss them off,” I said as I moved to the third safe. “I just want to send them a message.”

  Within 45 seconds I’d opened all three safes. I went into Stealth, opened the door, and looked out into the hallway. Nobody was there. The sounds of battle were still going strong several hundred feet away through the front door of the Shadow Bank.

  I stepped out of room 50 and moved to room 52. Within another 20 seconds, that door was open, too.

  Jen left 50, closed the door, and joined me inside 52. As I started in on the first of five safes in the room, I whispered, “Check and see how Russell and the others are doing.”

  She held the amulet and whispered, “How’s it going?”

  “Pretty good!” Slothfart yelled. “We still have about 30 guys left!”

  “I’m healing at a furious pace,” Richard said.

  “This is a freaking blast!” Russell yelled happily.

  “Good – keep it up,” Jen said, then dropped the amulet.

  I was already onto the second safe, so she bent down and swept the first one’s contents into the bag.

  “If they’ve already lost 30 men in less than three minutes, we don’t have that much time,” she said worriedly.

  “I know.”

  Click.

  I moved on to the third safe, and she took my place in front of the second one. “We probably have time for one more room, and that’s it,” she said as she removed the contents.

  “We only have time to clear out one more room,” I said as I focused intently on the next safe’s lock. “But we’ll break into a fourth, and you’ll teleport out with as many safes as you think you can handle.”

  She was at Level 28 now, so she could teleport with multiple physical objects. Just not with another player – yet. I would have to escape down the tunnel Joe had dug for us.

  “All right,” she said as she dumped trays of diamonds into her bag.

  The great thing was that the bags allowed you to have up to 10,000 gold pieces. That didn’t mean the total value of the coins – you could literally have 10,000 individual items in a single bag. Diamonds were far more valuable, but we could still have up to 10,000 of them in one bag – or any mixture of rubies, diamonds, and emeralds, as long as they totaled 10,000 in number.

  Jen had only had to use the one bag so far. If we got to a second one, I knew the heist would be a smashing success. That would be over 10,000 jewels and gold bars.

  When we finished the last safe, I went into Stealth and opened up the door.

  Suddenly Slothfart’s voice came over Jen’s amulet.

  “Guys – get out of there NOW! We’re getting wiped out – a bunch of orcs showed up out of nowhere and are kicking our asses! One of ‘em must’ve been a Mage, because they pulled some crazy spell and now all the costumes are gone! They know we’re not gnolls!”

  “I guess this is the last one after all,” I whispered, coming out of Stealth.

  I started in on the third door – and then everything went to hell.

  Multiple doors slammed open behind us.

  I whipped around in surprise to see five orcs standing there, all of them heavily tattooed.

  SHIT –

  They’d been expecting us.

  Who tipped them off – the bank? A traitor?

  All I knew is that we were royally screwed.

  “Get out!” I screamed at Jen as I drew my daggers.

  “But – ”

  “NOW!” I screamed as I activated both Extreme Dodge and Lightning Shiv and leapt at the nearest orc.

  My two abilities were the only things that evened up the fight between us. No matter how hard he tried, the orc couldn’t hit me – and I managed to stab him at a rapid-fire pace.

  Only problem was, I was a Level 28 up against a Level 50.

  I got in 20 stabs in less than two seconds, but still only took down his hit points by 15%.

  Meanwhile, Jen was waving her arms through the air, getting ready to teleport –

  Suddenly there was a bright flash of light from one of the other orcs.

  Four wooden staffs appeared in a square around Jen, and a line of fire zipped from one staff to the next.

  A Shaman.

  I’d seen them in the game. They were like Mages, except they used a different source of magic. The staffs were called totems, and the Shamans could summon them at will to create all sorts of spells.

  It didn’t matter what the Shaman’s source of magic was – apparently Jen couldn’t teleport out while she was inside that square.

  She jumped outside the box of flames, but the other three orcs were already on her.

  She cast a barrier of ice to stop them, but the orcs burst through it like a football team running through a paper banner at a hi
gh school homecoming game.

  Within seconds one of them had grabbed her hands, forced them behind her back, and slammed her against the wall.

  All that happened within the space of four seconds.

  I abandoned my target and immediately went after the one pinning down Jen.

  Unfortunately, there were two others in my way.

  I got in another round of shots at the bastards – but then my Extreme Dodge ran out.

  Which meant they could hit me now.

  One of the green giants backhanded me with an iron mace. I slammed against the wall and fell to the floor, stunned.

  One shot, and he’d taken out 30% of my hit points.

  An orc shouted in Russian, “Get us out of here!”

  The Shaman twirled his arms, and four more totems appeared all around us – and by ‘us’ I mean the five orcs, Jen, and me. Flames zipped along the floor from totem to totem, and the world begin to shimmer all around us.

  I stumbled to my feet, trying to save Jen, maybe tackle her outside the range of the spell –

  Then the mace came down on my head again, and everything went black.

  78

  I woke up – not in a graveyard like I had expected, but in a windowless room with stone walls, lit only by torches.

  I was chained to a chair with my hands bound behind me.

  Directly across from me, Jen was tied to another chair, her head hanging limply down on her chest.

  Between us, Jen’s bag sat on the ground.

  Six orcs stood guard around us, weapons drawn – battle axes, maces, scimitars, and swords. Behind them was the lone door to the room.

  Oh shit… this is really, REALLY bad…

  Jen stirred and lifted her head up blearily.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “Quiet!” one of the orcs roared in English.

  I didn’t want to make things worse for either of us, so I didn’t say anything more.

  Jen caught my eye, though, and nodded subtly. I’m okay.

  Outside the room came the sound of tromping feet, and the wooden door burst open.

  More orcs strolled in, marching three captives in front of them, hands bound behind their backs. The burlap bags over their heads made it impossible to know for sure, but the three captives looked sickeningly familiar: an orc working chain mail, a troll in purple robes, and a short creature in plate armor. It could’ve been a dwarf, but I was pretty damn sure it was a goblin.