Fallen Angel (The List #3)

by N. K. Love

  When I managed to bring myself to look at him, the shutters were down and his eyes were cold. No—his mind was made up. I didn’t walk out with my head held high, I practically crawled.

  After driving in silence, Jack checked me into a ridiculous guilt-ridden suite Jax had arranged for me.

  Once settled, Jack left but gave me a big hug before leaving. He squeezed my hand and said “True strength is measured not when you’re at your strongest, but when you’re at your weakest. You’re stronger than you know and he’s not as strong as you may think.”

  Jack offered to stay with me but I just wanted to be alone. Even so, his car remained parked outside all night, which was weirdly comforting.

  I had the entire floor of the hotel to myself with my own private elevator. Enough rooms for me to fill with each of my emotions without feeling claustrophobic. I eventually cried myself to sleep in the office in the early hours of the morning. Yeah Jack—I’m weaker than you think!

  Jack’s car was gone when I dragged myself up from the desk a few hours later. I’d fallen to sleep with my face pressed against the keyboard.

  Now, looking back at me in the mirror was a true reflection of how I felt; miserable, sad, weak and rejected.

  Last night I’d given in to temptation after hours of restraint but I was desperate to connect to Jax somehow. After exhausting the battery on my phone by staring at photos and watching clips I’d filmed of him, I put it on charge and fired up my laptop in the office.

  The luxurious black leather swivel chair only encouraged me to settle in and start stalking.

  I pretty much assaulted the internet, stripping away any minute detail I could find about Jax and his business. I couldn’t dig up much and what I did find wasn’t very insightful. I read all about his family business and found lots of blogs and media stories about his father and his brother, Jonathan, but hardly anything about Jax.

  The one thing that made my obsessing worthwhile was a photograph taken a few years ago at a huge event for an alcohol and drugs anonymous charity. With about twenty people on the photo my eyes scanned quickly but landed immediately on Joseph Carter; ‘an imperative benefactor to the foundation.’

  I zoomed in and studied his beautiful face. He was right when he said that he’s barely recognisable to the untrained eye now. But my eyes are most definitely trained in detecting Jax’s stunning face and incredible body.

  Wearing a suit—an ‘I’m-gonna-bend-you-over-this-desk-and-fuck-you-hard’ suit—my pathetic state let my imagination run away with itself. Soon I was wet and aching for him, only him. I wanted him so badly. I needed him to touch me so instead I touched myself. I unashamedly pressed my heels on the edge of the desk, closed my eyes and pretended last night didn’t happen.

  After years of reading and encouraging my wild imagination, I was able to drift into a magical world with Jax. His strong hands taking control of me. His soft lips caressing every inch of me. Within seconds of coming, reality abruptly tapped me on the shoulder seemingly saying “That’s enough of that, you’ve had your fakeass fun, now get back to the miserable truth.” And I was crying once more.

  Room service arrived shortly after I’d woken this morning. A polite gentleman brought in a tray of breakfast, which I hadn’t ordered. When he laid it out onto the table for me, he revealed a plate of warm croissants with a small tub of marmite. Instead of thanking him and tipping the poor guy, I burst into tears.

  Jax would tease me about my love for marmite especially with butter croissants, saying it was weird but it’s a childhood habit of mine. I knew right away that he’d ordered them for me.

  How inconsiderately considerate of him.

  After crying over the croissant, I kept the coffee and asked for the food to be taken away. The worst of it was, when I asked the man for a headache tablet and he pointed to a box behind the cafetière. I asked him sarcastically if all hotel guests got medication with their breakfast but he just coyly said he was only following orders.

  How rightfully presumptuous of Jax to assume I’d be up all night worrying and crying and wake up with a splitting headache. I nearly sent the box away with the croissants but my head wouldn’t let me.

  Thankfully, although last night’s packing was frantic at first, Miss Sensible had eventually taken over and packed sufficiently to take me through until Monday, when I’ll return to collect the rest. I’ve debated not going to Devon but the sick and twisted part of me wants to go so that I can be near him.

  Surely that’s not a healthy reaction to have towards somebody who’s just dumped you. Society tells me that I should hate him.

  What’s even more sickening is that a huge part of me keeps saying that it’s not over, that this isn’t the end. One minute I’m contemplating jumping in a taxi and banging on his door, the next minute I’m searching for apartments and shopping for a new book boyfriend online. My mood’s been swinging like a confused pendulum and my heads too confused to try and make sense of any of it.

  The only positive thing to come out of today is that this afternoon, functioning solely on caffeine and autopilot, I grabbed a taxi to go and view a property that came on the market today.

  It was exactly what I wanted and more—just like Jax. Ssshh.

  It’s slap bang in between Next Chapter and Willows, the only two places that matter to me in Birmingham at the moment. It’s on the third floor of a cute little private apartment block with off road parking. There’s a lovely large bedroom with a balcony, an office, an open plan kitchen and lounge area. More than enough for me.

  It was more expensive than I’d considered but I didn’t second-guess or overthink or sit on the fence, I simply said ‘Fuck It’ and told the letting agent, “I’ll take it.” As of Monday afternoon, I’ll be handing Jax his keys back and going to collect the keys to my new place.

  My new place. It feels good, but it should feel great. Something else I can add to my mental list of reasons to dislike Jaxson Carter. I may even create a list on my app, it could be therapeutic—or psychotic, or possibly both.

  Willow is in a good place with her new mystery man. I didn’t want to be hassling her with my bullshit yet again so I chose not to tell her. But we’re meeting at the gym early Friday morning so I’ll tell her everything on the coach journey down to Devon.

  A part of me is also thinking she may try to convince me that this weekend is a bad idea. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment but I want to see him, not necessarily to even talk to him. I just want to see him. He tried for a clean break but that’s just not possible.

  God, I am twisted. I’m that girl. The one that picks at a scab until it bleeds.

  A text interrupts my self-pitying-psychoanalysis crap and I find myself hoping it’s Jax. I grab my phone and see it’s from Willow—instantly I feel guilty for having an uncontrollable wave of disappointment.

  Hey babe, I’ve just finished work. U up 4 a convo when I get in or r u too busy getting jiggy with Mr Biggy? xXx

  Hey Wills, neither I’m afraid. Not good company atm. Speak tomorrow though yeah? x

  What’s up? xXx

  It’ll wait, don’t worry. Speak tomorrow x

  No, speak now. Please. R u with Jax?

  No. He ended it Wills.

  WTF. Stop texting & answer ur friggin phone.

  “What the hell happened? Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. No. I don’t know. It’s all a bit of a blur. It happened so quickly, just out of the blue.”

  “Please don’t get upset babe. Hold on, if you’re not with him then where the hell are you?”

  “I’m at The Dion.”

  “The Dion? Jesus. Okay, we’re on our way over. We’ll be there in about fifteen minutes.”

  “Wait, we? Who’s we?”

  “Oh, Peter’s driving. He was giving me a ride home.”

  “Peter as in Mr Stryder? Wills I’d rather not—”

  “He’ll just drop me off. Meet me in the lobby in fifteen. Please Beth. I need to see you to make sure you
’re okay.”

  I could go and splash some water on my face and freshen up but she’d see straight through it. I don’t even bother to fake it.

  I meet Willow in the lobby and ride up in the private elevator. When we walk into the suite, Wills walks around briefly, with her mouth gaping.

  “Wow B, he must’ve royally fucked up. I mean, when you said The Dion—this place is ridonkulous!”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty over the top huh? It’s paid up until Friday.”

  “Then you’re coming back to mine.”

  “No. Then we’re going to Devon.”

  “You can’t be serious? He’ll be there.”

  “Good.”

  “Good? Hold up. Rewind. Let’s start at the beginning. Tell me what happened.”

  Wills sets to work fixing us a vodka and cranberry juice from the minibar.

  “Okay. This is it, in a nutshell. We were having sex and whilst he was still inside me, he said that he can’t be with me anymore.”

  “Holy shit. Are you fucking kidding me?”

  Wills stops midstride with the ice tinkling in the glasses.

  “Yeah, that was pretty much my response too.”

  “Motherfucker!” She makes it over to me on the leather sofa and hands me my glass. “He still had his dick inside you? Who the fuck does that? How did you react?”

  “I think I was a bitch to him. I know I swore. Yeah, I was definitely a bitch.”

  “Nooo, you swore at him? Poor Jax!” Her words are dripping with sarcasm, I think she can actually feel the anger that coursed through my body at one point last night. “Beth, being a bitch to him is nothing compared to what he deserved. It’s not like you kicked his head away, telling him to fuck off out your life, whilst he’s halfway through eating your pussy—God, I’m sorry, that was brutal. I’m just fucking angry that he put you through that babe. I thought everything was spot on. You both seemed so happy Saturday night.”

  “We were—so happy.”

  “So what happened between now and then?”

  I shrug, feeling defeated.

  “We got happier, closer than ever actually.”

  “And it freaked him out?”

  “I guess so. Wills, you knew him before me. You were the one that warned me to stay away. You told me that I’m not capable of detaching emotions from sex and you were right. I fell in love with him so easily Wills and that’s what’s freaked him out. My intensity pushed him away, it’s the only explanation.”

  “Please don’t get upset again babe. Your beautiful eyes already look like you’ve gone twelve rounds, which tells me you haven’t slept properly and you’ve been crying on and off for the best part of twenty-four hours! Come on.”

  We take what’s left of our drinks into the bedroom and lie down, sinking into the plush bedding on the enormous bed. It’s the first time I’ve even touched it. It’s so comfortable, like being cuddled by a cloud.

  “Right, B, let’s get this straight. I didn’t warn you away from him. I didn’t think you were in the right headspace to risk getting fucked over by anybody. But he didn’t do that Beth, so I was totally wrong. From what I know—until last night—he’s been nothing but respectful and caring and everything but the ‘player’ he used to be. That’s unless there’s something you’re not telling me—he hasn’t done anything I should know about has he?”

  “No, it’s nothing like that. He’s finding it difficult to share things with me. I’ve given him space and time and never pushed him but he still caved. When it comes down to it, he just can’t find the words.”

  “Which is understandable, isn’t it? He’s a very private man. I’m betting you’ve gotten closer to his heart than you realise. Have you told him that you love him? I mean properly, not like the botched up job you did before.”

  “No, which makes me just as bad as him. I can’t find the words either. I was worried that if I told him, it’d scare the shit out of him and push him away. Well, I managed to control my mouth but the rest of my body wasn’t on board with the plan. Especially since the weekend, I may as well of had ‘I love Jax’ tattooed to my forehead.”

  “So you think you’ve overwhelmed him with your love?”

  “Yeah—I think I’ve loved our relationship to death.”

  Wills starts shaking her head and strumming her multi-coloured glittery fingernails over her glass.

  “Something just doesn’t add up… He’s a good person, he wouldn’t have hurt you like that based on the fact that you care so much about him.”

  Wills stands up, taking our empty glasses out and returns to the bedroom with two fresh glasses of water. She rifles through my case, throws a nightie at me and grabs a tee for herself. After whipping her turquoise maxi dress over her head, she puts on the tee and climbs into bed.

  “I take it you’re staying the night?”

  “Hell yes. My bestie needs me—” She leans over and kisses my head. “—and this mattress needs my body. Oh my God, it’s beyond incredible. I have got to get me one of these bad boys.”

  I smile my first genuine smile and squeeze her hand.

  Mustering the energy, I get undressed and climb under the covers too, facing Wills.

  “Do you realise how much I love you?”

  “See, that wasn’t difficult.” She leans over and kisses my forehead. “You should’ve told him, B. Love should never be denied… I love you too by the way.”

  “Do you think this is it then? I’ve missed my opportunity?”

  “I don’t know babe. If you’re right and he’s just freaking out, then maybe he’ll see reason when you’re not there and he realises how much he misses not having you around.”

  “God, you make me sound like a puppy.”

  “On the other hand, if you’re wrong and there’s another reason, then who knows? This could be it babe, which completely sucks ass. Either way, if you’re adamant Devon is a good idea, then you need to get to the bottom of it this weekend. What happened last night is in no way closure and he can’t expect you to accept that. You’re worth a helluva lot more than that, Smiler.”

  “You’re right. I’ll speak to him properly this weekend. I need answers, no matter what the outcome.” The prospect of a conversation with Jax has me feeling like I’ve taken a tiny step forward. “So-o, you and Peter huh?”

  “What?” She shields her face behind her glass of water. “Okay, okay, stop looking at me like that. Yes, he is my mysterious man.”

  “Wow. I mean—wow! I did not see that one coming. How’s that going for you?”

  “Good. It’s pretty great actually.”

  “I’m really happy for you, Wills. It’s lovely that you’re making a go of a steady relationship.”

  “So why’s there a tear rolling down your face?”

  “Oh, just ignore it. It’s my irritating leaky heart trying to get our attention. It’s very demanding at the moment.”

  I half-heartedly snivel.

  “Well you can have my undivided attention as much as you need it. Now let’s get some beauty sleep—you need it girl.”

  “Cheers. I am pleased for you and Peter though, Wills, I mean it.”

  “I know you are babe.” I turn off the wall lights and snuggle into the bed. “Now, I want to see my beautiful fresh faced girl back in the morning. I know it’s a hard and confusing time for you, but whatever happens, you’ll come out stronger on the other side—I promise.”

  “Thanks, Wills.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Thursday 30th April 2015

  3:34pm

  After Wills found out I’d put the deposit down on an apartment, she deafened me with squeals of excitement and then insisted we go on a shopping trip to buy all of my household essentials. It was an obvious idea that my numb brain hadn’t bothered to conceive itself, plus a much needed distraction from staring at my phone and willing for it to ring.

  After four hours and a hefty dent in my bank account, we’d filled her Beetle and arranged for my new bed t
o be delivered next week. All furniture is included in the apartment but I wanted my own bed so I’ve asked them to get rid of the other one.

  Wills has now persuaded me to check out a tattoo and piercing parlour. It’s literally opposite where her car is parked. She called it fate, but I’m thinking it’s more ‘Willow’ inspiration rather than divine. It’s completely the sort of thing she’d plan to keep my mind occupied rather than defaulting to obsessing.