by N. K. Love
“Don’t think like that, Beth. Our connection is real.”
“How do I know that? You’re the master of manipulation. You did this. You’ve done all of this. You’ve purposely left memories all over my skin, which make it more difficult for me to let go… No matter how hard I scrub, they will always be there. The inkless girl with a full body tattoo of you, Jax. A permanent reminder of us.”
“It was never like that. Nothing about us has been pre-meditated. It’s all been instinctual.”
“Maybe that’s true, I don’t think you’ve intentionally done it. But you’ve left fingerprints on my body but footprints on my heart… Not the delicate barefoot prints you see in the sand. No, these are brutal footprints left by the thick tread of your careless, blood-stained boots. These footprints won’t wash away with the tide. They won’t even fade. That would be too easy.”
“Beth, I will wash them away. I will make everything right… I was selfish, I know that. I should’ve let you go at the start but something within me just wouldn’t let that happen. I know now that it’s because we’re meant to be together. We’re meant to revive each other—to complete each other. Human jigsaws remember?”
“Listen to yourself Jax. You’re still being selfish now. I didn’t fall in love with you, I was pushed. You could’ve stopped this at any point but you waited. You waited until I was in too deep in the hope that I wouldn’t be strong enough to say Fuck It and leave. You’ve led me to this cliff top with a trail of trust and lust and promises of honesty, only to hurl me over the side in the eleventh hour… Jesus… maiming people, acid, knives, guns… No, my love came too easily, I’m naïve. Now I feel like you’ve thrown it back in my face just as easily as it was snatched away from me…”
I feel as though I’m on autopilot and watching myself from above. I don’t even know how I’m still standing, let alone stringing sentences together.
“You told me that you’d always catch me Jax, but I don’t think you can, not this time.”
Jax makes a move towards me but I back off again, hearing the crunch of the gravel beneath my feet.
“I said that I will always catch you if you let me.”
“You also said that you’d never lie to me and that wasn’t the truth either. All this ‘ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies’ bullshit. It’s all deceit and lies no matter how we dress it up… Oh God. This isn’t happening.” I pace left then right caught between his past, our present and my future. “How can I let your hands touch me again knowing what they’ve done, what they’re capable of doing?”
“Because we need to be together, Angel.”
“Maybe you’re not my better boat after all…”
It’s a miserable thought that I mumble more to myself than him.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Beth, I’m serious about us. I’ll do anything to prove that we can make this work. I can make you happy, be the man that you deserve. I’ve taken a huge risk bearing my soul to you.”
“And what if it’s gained you nothing?”
“Then it’s cost me everything.”
I allow myself to look into his beautiful soulful eyes and it feels as though my heart is being relentlessly squeezed.
“I think I should go now.”
I walk back into the house, lifting my handbag from the table on the way to the front door. Jax doesn’t follow. I look back at him and he’s leaning against the back door, watching me. Maybe he isn’t going to fight me on this after all.
“We need to finish this conversation, Beth. You said you need to know it all… There’s more I need to say. It’s not bad, but you should know—because it involves you.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Me?”
With my hand poised on the door handle, I turn around to face him. Jax strides with a powerful grace across the room. Even in a sick scenario as fucked up as this my vagina is practically giving him a round of applause. What he does to me…
Closing the distance between us, he keeps out of my personal space. His hands are in his pockets and I feel as though he’s doing that consciously to stop himself from reaching out to me. I’m irritated by the flutters in my stomach urging me to touch him, even after all he’s said.
Perhaps I’m not as strong as I thought I’d become. Is my strength dependant on his influence? I know that he is and will always be my weakness.
“Come and sit back down with me, please.”
I let go of the door handle, drop my handbag to the floor and fold my arms across my chest.
“No. I’m fine here.”
“Okay. So no safeword?”
“No. Go on.”
“I found that guy from the party—the one that touched you—and I beat him up. It wasn’t bad, I didn’t put him in hospital or anything like that but I just wanted you to know.”
“Okay. So that’s what a life with you would look like?”
“He hurt you and yes, I will never let anybody hurt you.”
I scoff at the irony.
“I thought you liked my possessive side.”
“Possessive not psychotic.”
He tries to force a smile but fails miserably.
“I also went to see your husband.”
“You did what?”
“The weekend you found out about him cheating on you. I went to see him.”
“Why did you do that? And why didn’t either of you tell me?
“I went with the intention of hurting him Beth. I couldn’t stand seeing how he’d hurt you that night. The look on your face. I felt like I literally watched your heart break in front of me. I couldn’t stand it. I wanted him to understand, to show him—”
“Oh my God, Jax. What did you fucking do to him?”
My heart rate quickens. I feel myself starting to panic.
“I broke into the house but it was soon obvious that he was paralytic. He was in the kitchen failing to patch up his hand—he’d smashed a glass and sliced it, or something. Nothing to do with me! Anyway, he was frightened at first, when he saw me, obviously… I don’t know why but I couldn’t bring myself to punish him. Not in the way I wanted to anyway. I told him I came there to fucking hurt him. I only gripped him up a little and he broke down, I mean his floodgates opened. After I’d sorted out his hand, we started talking. He wouldn’t stop crying and telling me… things. I wasn’t prying Beth, I swear.”
“What things?”
“He said that you were the best… and the worst thing to happen to him. He said he hated that he couldn’t bring himself to love you the way that you deserved to be loved because… because he was into ‘other’ things… He said he was gay.”
“He said what? You’re lying. Why the fuck would he tell you that?”
“He was drunk, desperate and shit scared, but I’m sure he was telling the truth.”
“Mike isn’t fucking gay, Jax. What are you talking about? Why are you saying this?”
“Well, he said he was and I believed him. I didn’t leave empty handed though. I sobered him up a bit and got him to sign a letter I’d printed which confirms he committed adultery.”
Jax hands me a folded up piece of paper from his back pocket and there at the bottom, plain as day, is Mike’s signature. He is telling the truth. My mind flashes back to those times I tried to call Mike and he didn’t answer and the way he was with me when I eventually spoke to him. I knew he seemed different but I thought it was because of the circumstances, not because he thought Jax had told me that he’s gay. Mike is gay.
“What about his girlfriend?”
“That’s all I know, Beth.”
“Hold on. That weekend. You went out and came back late. The night we had words in the kitchen. You had blood on your shirt, Jax. Was that Mikes blood?”
“Yes, off his hand.”
“Jesus Christ, this is so fucked up. Why didn’t you give me the letter?”
“I didn’t want you to know that I’d interfered. It wasn’t im
portant then because he’d promised to figure it out with you and give you a quick, problem free divorce. I just wanted to keep the letter as insurance in case he turned out to be full of shit… There’s one other thing… When I found out he was leaving the country… I bought the house—”
“You bought my house?”
“I thought it was the quickest way to get you what you wanted. He transferred over your share and it got the ball rolling quicker for him to leave.”
“You bought my fucking house and you didn’t say a word to me?”
“If it wasn’t me, somebody else would’ve. But this way, it happened straight away. You were hurting Beth. It’s the only thing I could do to help.”
“No it wasn’t. You were already giving me everything I needed. Giving me yourself—that’s what fixed me. That’s what made his deceit almost irrelevant in the end. Instead, what you’ve just done is drive a wedge in between us. Asking me to take on everything about your past is one thing, but that is my life you’ve messed with and for what?”
“That letter ensures a quick divorce, which is what you told me you wanted. I did it for you.”
“I don’t fucking care about the divorce! I’m talking about why you did what you did. It hasn’t made me feel better. It’s made you feel better. You didn’t like seeing me hurt so you wanted to hurt Mike for your own self-gratification.”
“No, it wasn’t like that—”
“Yes it was. All of it; joining that gang, hurting those people… You may have selflessly helped lots of innocent, good people, but it wasn’t selfless was it? In the end, it was you who went to bed each night feeling satisfied that you’d made up for a little of the guilt you’ve suffocated yourself with over Chloe’s death.”
Jax reacts as though I’ve punched him in the gut. He steps backwards, shaking his head. Then he stops and looks at me.
“You’re right. It did make me feel like I was chipping away at the guilt. But that’s not why I did it Beth. I enjoyed it. I got pleasure from seeing guilty motherfuckers get a taste of their own medicine. Perverts, pedophiles, drug dealers, gang members, murderers—they were all the scum of the earth, Beth.”
“The life you’ve been living isn’t something I can be a part of, Jax. I know you said you’ve left that behind you now but just listening to how you talk about it with such belief and passion… I think reverting back to that life will always be at the flick of the switch. This isn’t a life I want to lead and being with you now wouldn’t be the same as it was yesterday. Our future has been tainted. I feel like you’ve written your own letter of declaration, resigning yourself from our relationship. Only you’ve signed the letter in somebody else’s blood. That’s how fucked up and wrong this whole situation is. How do I fathom out having you as part of my future when I can’t handle your past?”
“Because you’re a good person and you love me… I know that what I did was good so you’ll feel that too, I’m sure of it. I don’t want to pretend with you anymore. This is me, laid bare for you to judge. This is my reality, Beth.”
“And what if I don’t want to downgrade my hopes to match your reality? Where does that leave us; me heartbroken and you on the slow road to self-destruction again? Will you go back to the Unit?”
“That’s not possible. But regardless, I’ve made a promise to myself not to live like that anymore. So no, I wouldn’t.”
“Jax, can’t you see the damage you’ve done to yourself by joining the Unit and not returning to your family as you’d intended? You’ve let your nightmare stop you from dreaming. You’re a strong, powerful man and you’ve let one tragic accident ruin your life.”
“But you’ve broken the cycle. Somehow, without even trying, you’ve broken me down and reminded me of the man I used to be—before things started turning. I’m still that person. I’ve just let myself get consumed with other people’s lives instead of my own. But that’s changed now. Beth, tell me you can see a chance of us getting through this?”
“I need time to think, Jax. If you say that you’ve completely cut all ties to that part of your life then—”
“Not completely, Beth. There will always be a link there—with Carmel.”
“Carmel? What do you mean?”
“Until I fulfil my promise to Chloe… Beth, after hitting brick wall after dead end on tracking Samara down, Carmel took the reins on the case. She has influential connections worldwide, which I can never compete with, I need them. She uses her resources on my behalf. It’s ongoing. So until he is found and dealt with, I will always have a link back to Carmel. It’s important that you know that.”
“Hold on. Until he is dealt with? So it’s not over then. You’re planning on killing him, aren’t you?”
“It’s the only way, Beth.”
“It. Was. An. Accident. Jax…” My desperate words shatter and dissolve into an empty, hopeless sob.
This is killing me. I have nothing left. He is as dangerous as he is loveable.
I look to Jax and realise it’s for reassurance. At my weakest moment, I need to touch him and feel him beneath my fingers. I want reminding of the strength that he gives me. I have to remember the strength that I’m capable of, because right now, I’m a broken woman. I’m weak and as much as he has done this to me, I just need him to hold me.
Stepping towards him gradually, I’m worried that our physical connection will have been tainted along with all of the emotional confusion. Jax doesn’t make a move. With his hands at his sides, he just subtly turns his palms to face me, to welcome my body into his.
Letting my body lead the way, I step towards him again and he raises his hand to my cheek. He strokes his fingers down the side of my face, tucking my hair behind my ear.
Watching his handsome face, I lean into his huge palm and he holds me there whilst my tears cascade over his fingers. He stays there, looking into my eyes, showing me that he’s still the same man I fell in love with.
I see his confusion and sadness as to what will happen next, probably because he knows that it’s not his call to make. But I also see clarity. Telling me all of this must’ve been strange and so difficult for him to share.
From his ordeal with Chloe, the drugs, the Unit, Mike and now his quest for revenge. He didn’t have to but I asked him to. He did it because he knows that there wouldn’t have been a chance at a future without exorcising all of these demons first.
Putting my hands gently on his chest, he laces his fingers around the back of my head and weaves them into my hair, cradling my head to his chest. I show no shame in breathing him in. What’s the point? He knows what he does to me but this is a far cry from anything sexual. This is for survival—I need this moment with him. I’m emotionally drained and running on empty. My mind is awash with confusion.
Jax wraps his free hand around me and pulls me into him tighter, as though he wants us to become one person, in the same way that we’ve always felt connected.
He presses me into him more whilst I take comfort and strength from his very existence. The only part of me that’s feeling crushed right now is my heart. I’m madly in love with Jaxson Carter, the soon-to-be-murderer.
I’m sniffing and gulping and breathing heavily, trying to stop myself from losing it altogether. His shirt is soaked with my tears and I’m scared to break away from his embrace. I’m scared to let go of him in case I’m actually letting go of him.
“Beth, I will do everything in my power to make you happy. I am selfish, I know that. I didn’t think I could be the man that somebody as special as you deserved. But I know in my heart that nobody could want you more than I do, or make you as happy as I will.”
“Jax, maybe I could’ve gotten over everything you’ve told me, except now you’ve just said that one day you will kill somebody—how do I even begin to process that? I can’t see how we have a future together with that hanging over us.”
“We can. I will win back your love.”
“There’s no need. You’ll always have my love—that co
uld never change. But maybe love isn’t always enough. You must understand how hard this is for me… After everything you’ve told me, I should probably be out of here by now, deleting your number and figuring out how I’m going to get over you.”
“But that’s not what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want. I need time to think properly.”
