Crave

by Karen E. Taylor

  “Still, you had no daughters. And there have always been daughters.”

  “I have you. And that’s enough for me.” She set her mug down and got up, laughing. “More than enough, actually. And the time comes sooner or later when it all has to end. Get some sleep, Lily.” She moved over to me and kissed the top of my head. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Good night, Moon.”

  I sat for a while, flipping through the television channels. Nothing was on, as usual. Turning the set off, I wondered what Hyde was doing right now. Sleeping. Probably snoring. Or maybe he’d gone back to the cemetery with the other kids. I hummed his song idly and opened the box that contained Moon’s caracoles: the twenty-one small cowrie shells that told her the future.

  They were worn from years of use, having been handed down mother to daughter starting with Philomena. Much like I had been. But these, at least, served a purpose. From my cradle I had watched Philomena cast these for her clients, foretelling their future, guiding them as well as she could. And since the fortunes would always come true, the shells would bring us gifts: food, money, clothes and trinkets. Philomena refused to train me in the art. “You have other powers, baby,” she’d say, “no need to be mixing them up.” But even forbidden, I had watched and I had learned. I separated five from the group that would not be cast, and cupped the other sixteen in my hands, holding them to my mouth and breathing my question into them.

  “Is it time?”

  As I dropped them, I knew by the way they fell that the answer was the same as always.

  “No, the time is wrong.”

  “Thanks so much.” I put them back into their box and closed the lid. “And what a surprising answer.”

  Moon called out from her room. “Put those things away, Lily. They’ve got nothing good to say for themselves tonight.” I should have known she wouldn’t yet be sleeping. Had I been caught with the shells by Philomena, I’d have had a lecture to look forward to. But Moon was more at ease with her rituals and her religion. More at ease with me. “And you get yourself to bed now, hear?”

  I sighed. Over a century lived with nothing to show for it but the same unanswered questions. It would never be time. “Okay, Moon. I’m going.”

  I lay in bed for a while, watching the patterns of shadows on the ceiling, counting years instead of sheep. So many years stacked up behind me. So many stretched out ahead of me. And still, to the outside world, I was nothing but a scrawny young woman, barely out of her teens. Moon and I had once played with a politically correct term for what I was; temporally challenged was the best we’d come up with. But there were no help groups for me, no twelve-step program to make me normal. I was what I was. And I hated every long minute of it. All the decades of school, learning the same facts time and again, until I knew them better than my teachers, only to start over with each new move. And it was as much or more of a nightmare for my keepers as it was for me. Having to move every five or six years had taken its toll on their patience and their finances. Now, at least, I had achieved a maturity of body, which meant that Moon and I could stay here in this place for a longer period of time.

  Poor Moon. She did not even have the luxury of love and children to make it worth her while. She should have married ’Lo anyway, I thought, bad legs or not.

  I sighed and rolled over on my side. Just before I drifted off, I said the names of all the women who had been my mothers and whispered a prayer for their spirits, those lovely spirits who had sacrificed much to keep me safe. Each name, each face, each voice that had sung me to sleep, the arms that had held me and rocked me and tried to give me love; all were carried deep within me. But following the list, there was always the nameless one. The bitch who birthed me and left me for dead. The one who made me what I was. I cursed her life, prayed for her death and fell asleep into bitter dreams of betrayal and the stench of the grave.

  Chapter 4

  “Wake up, Lily Love, I’ve brought you a present.”

  I pulled the blanket up over my head. “Go away,” I muttered, waving a hand imperiously at whatever annoying person dared to bother me.

  “But it’s a pretty present and you’ll like it. Come on, Lily, it’s a wonderful day outside.”

  “Hyde?” I squinted out from under my covers. “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Moon let me in. And she says it’s high time you were out of bed anyway.”

  I groaned. “Hyde, go away. I hate mornings.”

  “Well, then”—he tugged at my toes—“you’re in luck. It’s not morning anymore.”

  I sighed and rolled over, trying to fall asleep again. But I could still feel his presence. Sitting up, I stretched and yawned. “Okay, okay, I’m up.” I glared at him and then opened my eyes wide. “Jesus, Hyde, what the hell did you do to yourself?”

  He rubbed his hand over his hair. “I got a haircut,” he said, blushing slightly.

  I crawled out of bed and touched his closely shaved head. “What did you do? Join the Marines?”

  He laughed. “Nope, Lily, it’s worse than that. I have a job now; I’m working at my father’s shop.”

  “Working? But you always said you were never going to support society by buying into the system.”

  Hyde shrugged. “It’s only my father’s shop, Lily. I’ll be learning to be a mechanic; it’s a good skill. And besides, I said that years ago, when we were just kids. I’m surprised you even remember.”

  I gave him a twisted smile. “I remember everything, Hyde, you should know that by now. And speaking of remembering, where’s my present?”

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, square black box. “It’s not much, really, just a token. Dad was so happy when I told him I was coming into the business, he gave me a little money to live on until payday. And I saw this in the window of the jewelry store, the one next to the bar, and thought of you.”

  I opened the box. It contained a small silver ring, in the shape of a lily. “Oh, that’s lovely, Hyde, thank you.”

  “Go ahead, put it on. I want to see it on your hand.”

  I gave him a hesitant glance. He’d changed so much since we’d known each other. And I wondered what this was a token of. Esteem? Love?

  “Jesus, Lily, just put the damned thing on. It won’t bite.” He took the box out of my hand, pulled the ring out and pushed it onto my right ring finger. “There, see? A perfect fit.”

  I held my hand out, admiring it. Then smiled at him and gave him a hug, not so much for the present as for his picking the right hand.

  He kissed the top of my ear. “I’m glad you like it, babe. Someday, maybe I’ll get you another for the other hand.”

  I pulled away from him and changed the subject. “So when do you start your job?”

  Hyde looked at his watch. “In about twenty minutes, actually, so I’d better get moving. You going to be at the bar tonight? I’ll pick you and Moon up and walk you home.”

  “That would be nice. Thanks.”

  He gave me one more kiss, this time on the tip of my nose, and went back out of the room. “Later, Lily.”

  I walked out into the kitchen and sat down at the small table. Moon handed me a mug of coffee and I looked up at her.

  “Who was that man?” I said. “He sort of looked like Hyde, but I don’t know him.”

  Moon chuckled. “He’s growing up, Lily. Got himself a new haircut, a new job and a beautiful little girl. I expect he feels pretty good right about now.”

  “And I feel like shit. He bought me a ring, Moon.”

  She leaned over me. “So I see. It’s very pretty.”

  I gave a little smile. “Yes, it is. But what am I going to do with him?”

  “Love him if you can. And if you can’t, you send him on his way as graciously as possible. He’d take good care of you, Lily.”

  “But I have you, Moon. And besides, I’m way more than old enough to take care of myself.”

  She turned back to the sink and continued washing d
ishes. “That may well be true, Lily. But until I can scrape the money together for another set of identifications for you, you’ll have to take care of yourself without a job. And if something should happen to me, I’d like to be sure you’ll be okay. It’s what I’ve lived my life for, after all.”

  Moon finished drying the last dish and turned around, towel in hand. “Now, let’s not worry about this. You going to wait some tables for me today?”

  “Sure, why not?” I got up and stretched. “Tips are usually good. I guess I’d better start earning my keep before you marry me off to Hyde.”

  She laughed. “So go get yourself dressed and be quick about it. I don’t want to open up late.”

  Moon usually tended bar with the same quiet confidence as she approached everything else in her life. Considered one of the best bartenders in the Quarter, she was also among the few to be mentioned by name in one of those prestigious travel magazines. Unlike other tourist bars in the area, The Blackened Orchid did not provide music other than the blare of the jukebox. Instead, we relied on solid and simple food, a good selection of wine and the atmosphere that Moon provided to attract and keep our clientele. On slow nights, Moon would often cast her shells for customers or read their palms.

  I watched her, as I always did, in between carrying trays of drinks and blackened steaks to my tables. Secure in who she was, Moon was beautiful. Her smile lit up her entire body and made one feel blessed. I loved her, more than Philomena and any of her descendants, perhaps because she had not been distracted by marriage and children of her own. For Moon, my care was not a burden accepted in the name of duty. It was something done of love.

  Tonight, though, she seemed nervous and moody. Close to tears, she struggled to deal with a situation she normally dealt with easily by a smile or a joke. “Harry”—her voice quavered as she called to the bouncer—“get this gang of young hoodlums out of my bar. Now! And I don’t ever want them in here again. They’re nothing but trash. And underage trash at that. Out!” She flicked a towel at them, shooing them like chickens. “Out!”

  They yelled obscenities back at her while Harry pushed them out. “You fat old bitch,” one of them screamed, his pasty face reddening with anger, “you’ll be sorry you fucked with us.”

  Moon lost her temper completely. “Any woman would be sorry to admit that, boys.” She continued to scream even though they’d gone. “No woman in her right mind would let you near. Not that boys like you can do much more than talk about it.”

  I went over to her and put an arm around her. “It’s okay, Moon, they’re out of here. What on earth did they do?”

  “They were saying how they’d like to . . .” She gave me a quick glance and then just as quickly looked away again. “Nothing, really, Lily. Don’t pay me any mind. I’m just all unsettled tonight.” She waved to Harry. “Come on over here, honey, and tend the bar for me. I need to go wash up after dealing with that dirty trash.” She ran from the room; the tears on her cheeks glistened in the light as she pushed open the kitchen doors.

  I caught Harry’s eye and he shrugged. “Just a bad night, Lily,” he said. “Let it go.”

  Hyde showed up, as promised, just around last call. Moon, having calmed somewhat, although not without considerable damage to the glassware, greeted him warmly, displaying more enthusiasm than she’d had all evening. Still, I thought that she dawdled at the bar, taking much longer than normal to do the closing tasks. She chattered at Hyde while she worked, asking him questions about his first day at work. And he told stories of the people who’d come in and the crazy way they’d acted.

  Looking back now, I recall that they laughed a lot together. But I didn’t join in. I didn’t pay them much attention at all. Instead I listened to the night. It whispered darkness and anger and danger. Since the altercation between Moon and the young men, I had grown increasingly nervous. I had even sent Harry out several times to make sure they had gone. With each of his reassurances that everything was fine, Moon relaxed. And I had tightened up inside, until every muscle in my body was tense. By the time Moon was ready to go, I was so edgy I wanted to scream.

  “Lily?” Hyde touched me on the shoulder and I jumped.

  “Don’t pay any mind to her, Alfred,” Moon said. “She’s nervous as a cat tonight. We had a run-in with some trash tonight and it put her off.”

  I stood up and stretched my neck, trying to loosen the tenseness. “Me? And who’s the one breaking all the glasses tonight?”

  “That’s neither here nor there. I’m just a clumsy old lady, Lily. Let’s go home.”

  Still, I hesitated at the doorway. The streets were quiet and dark. I did not want to go out onto them. “Can’t we just stay here?”

  Moon took my arm. “I want some rest, Lily. I can hear my bed calling to me from here.” Leaning over me, she whispered in my ear, “And what will happen, will happen, my Lily child. You can’t hold it back. Besides,” she said louder now, “we have your fine young man to protect us.”

  I looked over at Hyde. “He’s not my young man.”

  “Well, if you were to ask me, he should be.” She pulled me out onto the sidewalk and started to lock the door, but stopped abruptly. “Lord, what’s wrong with me tonight? I forgot the shells. You two wait here and I’ll be right back.”

  Hyde pulled me into his arms and gave me a long, passionate kiss, his tongue lightly grazing my lips. “Think she’ll let me stay the night?” he whispered.

  I laughed. “Maybe she will. But I’m not sure I will.”

  “Aw, Lily, you heard Moon. I’m your young man now.”

  “So she says. Don’t I have anything to say about it?”

  “Of course you do.” He hugged me close to him. “And I hope it’ll be yes again.”

  I smiled, thinking how nice it was last night. At least before we started talking. “I’ll think about it, Hyde.”

  Moon came out and locked the door, giving Hyde a quick wink. “Can’t forget the shells, now, can I?” she said, putting the box into her apron pocket. “How can I tell the future of you young folks without my shells?”

  “Future?” I asked. “Who said anything about the future?”

  “Well,” Moon said, “someone should be talking about it. So I’ll just walk ahead and let the two of you work it out. Don’t be too long, though. I’ll want that cup of tea with you both tonight.”

  She headed out at a quick pace. Hyde put his arm around my shoulder and began leading me in the same direction. I looked up at the sky as we walked. “No moon tonight,” I said quietly. “It’s such a dark and evil world without it.”

  Hyde snorted. “Nothing evil about the phases of the moon, Lily. What’s gotten into you tonight?”

  “Nothing,” I said, walking a bit quicker now to catch us up with Moon. “It was a pretty ugly scene tonight. I don’t like that.”

  “Yeah, I know. You’re sensitive.” Hyde kissed the top of my head just as Moon turned the corner.

  I heard the scuttling of feet and her muffled scream. “Moon!” I called, and tried to break away from Hyde’s arm.

  He pushed me away with so much force that I fell to my knees. “Stay here, Lily.” To my surprise, he reached into his boot, pulled out a large knife and ran to the corner.

  “The hell I will.” I got up off the sidewalk and ran after him.

  Moon lay on the sidewalk still and quiet, as one of the men from the bar rifled through her wallet; the other two circled Hyde, switchblades out. I didn’t stop to think or reason. Instantly I launched myself at the man with the wallet, grabbed him by the waist and threw him down to the pavement. He bounced and groaned, until I kicked him in the stomach as hard as I could. His body rose up off the ground and then settled back down about a foot away and he was silent. I dropped down next to Moon, laying a hand on her shoulder.

  She’d been stabbed and the blood pooled around her body. Her eyes were open and glazed over. The shells from the box had scattered around her, some covered with her blood, but still easi
ly readable, the last fortune she’d ever cast.

  Unheeding of my surroundings, I moaned in disbelief at what the caracoles had to tell.

  “Lily, run!” I turned away from Moon and saw Hyde doubled over; the men were laughing and their blades dripped blood. When Hyde hit the ground they turned to me. “Lookie here,” one of them said, “we got us a bonus.”

  I faced them, standing slowly and deliberately, and snarled. “Bonus, my ass. What you’ve got is trouble.”

  They came toward me, closing their knives and putting them back into their pockets. “We like trouble, bitch, and we like ass.” One of them started to unbuckle his belt; the other smoothed back his greasy blond hair. “And we think we’re really going to like yours.”

  “Moon was right, you know,” I taunted them, “you really are nothing but fucking trash. So you want me? Hell, who am I to say no? I’ll even meet you halfway.”

  My arm shot out and grabbed the closest one by the elbow. I snapped him around and slammed him up against the brick wall. The street seemed to echo the cracking of his bones; he twitched once and lay still. His friend took one look, turned around and ran like all the demons of Hell followed.

  I let him go and went over to Hyde. He opened his eyes for a second, his teeth bared in a terrible parody of a smile. He tried to talk, I think, but what he was saying, I never knew. The words garbled up in his throat and blood trickled out of his mouth.

  Then he was gone. And I was alone, totally alone, for the first time in over a century. Alone and almost as helpless as the baby Philomena rescued from the cemetery.

  I smoothed back his short hair and wiped the blood from his mouth. Then, on hands and knees, I crawled over to Moon’s body, ignoring the way my knees scraped against the rough concrete of the sidewalk. I held her cold hand and picked up the scattered shells, putting them one by one into my pocket, cursing the twofold message they foretold.