by Keys, Hazel
But…to David’s credit, I think I finally understand him now. When he said what he did, he took responsibility for his slip up. He didn’t make a scene and he didn’t betray Crystal’s trust. That was the manly thing to do. And for that I am proud of him.
Still, I guess it is a bittersweet moment to realize that he really did feel that way for so many years. I don’t blame him for not saying anything. We were both seeing other people. And David is not the type of guy to sneak around behind someone’s back.
Neither am I. I was really stupid…really faithful. To you know who, who didn’t really deserve it. Just a lot of stupid mistakes.
But it’s all in the past now.
Funny though…thinking about David’s speech, or half a speech I should call it. I just wonder…if he really made a move, what would I say to him?
I’ve always cared for David, I’ve just never thought of being with him in that kind of setting. I can’t deny that there have been…moments…when I’ve felt something.
But nothing can come from it.
The sad thing is, this may be the last chance we both get, to explore anything. Do I wish that Crystal would suddenly leave him? Would that be the safe way to do it?
Well…that’s not going to happen. It’s just something we’re going to have to accept.
I do hope that David is one hundred percent sure about his marriage, it’s not something he should be rushing into if he has all these distracting thoughts about other women he’s known!
I mean…okay so let’s say he’s really…in love with me. What does it change?
If he were to end it with Crystal—the only way I would EVER consider doing something like this—would it be worth it?
Damn it, I know what he’s afraid of. He wants to preserve our friendship and I don’t blame him. I would hate, HATE, to ruin what we have for a complete disaster of a romance.
I’m not even sure David knows what he wants. Maybe he’s just projecting onto me or something. I mean…I don’t think he was always in love with me, was he?
I guess the thing is, I don’t want him to marry Crystal or anybody if it’s not what’s going to make him happy. As a friend I owe him that.
Maybe that’s what David knows. Maybe David knows, deep down, that we’re not going to be compatible. Friendship works because we respect boundaries, we don’t invade private matters. We respect each other’s personal lives and we keep a respectful distance.
Maybe David, being the deep thinker he’s always been, realizes that we’re just not going to end up together. Maybe he knows that friendship really is more important right now.
And if that’s the case, I respect him more than ever. He really has matured into a great guy. If only I could find someone like him…but I guess that’s the problem with romance and friendship. You have to choose one in the end.
Chapter 7:David
Well, now here’s where the friendship / romance experiment got complicated. Honest to God, I was ready to forget Amelia and just appreciate the fact that I had a beautiful woman in my life. I mean, when I got out of high school I dreamed of getting a girl as hot as Crystal. She was like the girl you see in the movies, the kind of girl that marries a complete dork like yours truly, and you wonder, what could she possibly see in him?
Whenever I asked Crystal that, she always said the same thing. “You have a good heart, a rocking body and a superior intellect.” I mean that right there, told me she was the one!
So why do I still get breathless every time I hear Amelia’s voice? Why, when I was in her presence, did I feel like I was in heaven? Why do I see her in her quaint purple dresses and want to undress her and make love to her, instead of appreciating someone like Crystal who could easily appear on the cover of Maxim on any given month and loves stripping for me?
It has to be lust and that’s what I told myself, even down to the last minute, when I unfortunately let one slip at the worst time possible.
“David!” Crystal called out to me. “Why do you always jump out of bed in the morning? It’s like, programmed into your male brain or something. Gotta’ go hunt. Gotta go kill something.”
She laughed, as always, piquing my mind right after I first wake up in the morning. The fact that Crystal and I had a pretty good sex life was all the more confusing, since when I was thinking about Amelia I still felt as horny as a virgin on prom night.
“I don’t know, I guess I do want to kill something and eat,” I said with a laugh.
“Silly, don’t you know that lying in bed talking to your woman is the best part of married life? This is where you make your true confessions and share your real feelings.”
God, when Crystal called me “Silly” I got weak at the knees all over again. It reminded me of Amelia. And I felt guilty just as much as I felt joy.
“Come on. Share with me something new. A new potent thought. I want to listen to your resonating mind.”
I giggled. “Okay. Well…in the interest of conversation and, you know, holding nothing back, I have something on my mind.”
“Yeah you have been very distracted lately. I’ve noticed that.”
“Well…the thing is. I’ve been feeling guilty. Because I really like you. But I’ve been distracted because…well, this girl that I knew before I ever met you…she became single again recently. She was a girl I grew up with. And I sometimes think about her.”
“Oh really?” Crystal said, suddenly losing her smile and staring a hole through me.
“I’m sorry…” I quickly replied, losing my smile. Apparently, pillow talk was not as intimate as Crystal made it sound. “I didn’t mean to imply anything. Just admitting…”
“Are you fucking her?” Crystal said, hopping out of bed and assuming fighting position.
“No, no! I just…wanted to be upfront and honest.”
“Well why are you thinking about her? Are you in love with her?” As the moments passed, her tone became more caustic and unforgiving. This didn’t seem like the kind of honest marital communication I heard about from Doctor Ruth.”
“I’m sorry, I was just saying…you know, so it wouldn’t be a big secret.”
“Well maybe you should have kept that a secret!” Crystal roared back. “That’s not pillow talk, that’s being an asshole!”
“I’m sorry,” I said, folding my arms and suddenly feeling like I was back in the first grade.
“What, you think you’re so special, David? Because what, you sell steroids or something?”
“Vitamins, mainly. Not steroids.”
“Big fucking deal,” she said, making a pissy face and tearing me up with her enflamed eyes. “You’re not all that, you know.”
“I know, baby. You’re the cheerleader. You’re the hottest girl I’ve ever met.”
“No, don’t baby me, you cheating bastard.”
“What? I didn’t cheat!”
“Yes you did. Jesus said if you keep on looking and fapping to a woman that’s like adultery. So you did cheat on me. You screwed that chick in your head.”
“I’m sorry, that didn’t come out like I planned.”
“Oh what, you want a threesome with Amelia? You want us both to suck your dick or something? What kind of a chauvinistic pig are you?”
“No! That’s not what I said…”
I shook my head and sighed. Well, so much for honesty. “I can’t even talk to you. It always ends like this, you know.”
“Ohhh, ohhh!” she shouted back. “Now you’re putting it on me! Like it’s my fault? Yeah pretty boy, I don’t ever hear no complaining when I’m pounding your dick like a porn star. Don’t even go there, pretending like I don’t love you good.”
“I’m sorry, Crystal.”
“Don’t use my name! Don’t try to score points with me. You basically just said you’re in love with somebody else. Some trash bag hoe! How am I supposed to react to that?”
Tell her right now. Tell her you’re in love with somebody else. She deserves the truth. But…look at her
. She’s so upset. She’s feeling hurt. I can’t keep adding insult to injury. Just lie to her. No, tell the truth. No, LIE! Dammit…
I took a deep gulp and replied as honestly and safely as I could at that moment.
“I have…feelings for her.”
She shook her head in rage, like the fucking Exorcist kid or something.
“BUT…” I added quickly. “I am willing to forget that. I am willing to let all that go to be with you.”
I reached out and tried to touch her but she slapped away my hands.
“Yeah well who says I want to stay with you? You know, you arrogant asshole, I have had many different offers. I’ve had all kinds of rich men hit on me.”
“I have no doubt,” I said. “You’re a gorgeous woman.”
“Shut the fuck up!” she snapped. “I have a rolodex of six big buff guys I could call right now and rock their world. I could make them scream for their mommy, bitch! How does that make YOU feel?”
“I guess…it makes me feel…”
Sadly, I feel nothing at all. I almost want you to just leave me. I know that’s terrible but if you’re so unhappy, Crystal, then just go. Let’s stop this before we dedicate our entire lives to THIS.
“Feel bad. I feel bad.” I frowned and looked her in the eyes. “I’ll never speak of her again.”
Because obviously, I wandered into that very special relationship that demanded I never look at another woman, or heaven forbid talk about someone else. It was a huge contrast to Amelia. Amelia and I could talk about other people we liked or crushed on or whatever, because there was no “us” there was no jealousy among friends. We were just like bros, like drinking buddies.
“You’re just lucky I even give you the time of day,” she pouted, right before going back to bed.
“I am a lucky guy,” I replied softly.
“Well mister lucky guy,” she said, still lying on the bed not bothering to give me a full turn.“Maybe you should do some serious thinking and decide if you really want to get hitched or not. Because I don’t want to be no fool, looking the other way while you’re banging your secretary.”
“You know, you’re right. I should. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”
“You didn’t. You could never hurt me. Dickhead.”
I smiled and saw myself out.
Chapter 8: Amelia
I was so mad at David that night. Apparently, he and his fiancée were on a break or something. I didn’t quite understand what he was saying because the silly man had been drinking all night!
He called me from the Tallyhoo Bar and sounded totally drunk! He even sounded like he was dancing or drinking with other women. I guess he took that “break” with Crystal seriously because he sure as hell wasn’t acting like any happily engaged man!
“David is that you?” I asked, ignoring the giggles of “Carla”, who was some bar hopping slut that was talking to him while he was drunk dialing me.
“I’m sorry, Amelia,” he said, with that unmistakable drunk talk. “I just wanted to get something off my chest.”
“I’m not talking to you! You’re drunk!” I said.
“I’m not drunk.”
“Then what are you?”
“I’m…reflective. Introspective. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.”
“Yeah that’s called stinking drunk!”
“Look, you know how I feel about you.”
“You made it very clear, David.”
“No wait, I didn’t. That’s not what I wanted to say to you. It didn’t come out right. Here’s what I really meant to say…Stop licking my ear!”
“What?!”
“That wasn’t it. I’m telling Carla here to please leave me alone. I’m on the phone!”
I grumbled, listening to him shoo Carla away.
“No Amelia. Let’s be honest, okay? I am drunk. But I did what I had to do. I told Crystal the truth. And now I’m telling you the truth.”
“No you’re not! I don’t believe anything you say right now. And if you broke up with Crystal because of me, you’re just plain stupid.”
“Why?”
“Because, silly, she really liked you. And you and I don’t have a future together, anyway. You know that.”
“Amelia…”
“David, I told you, I don’t want to hear it. Save the big speech. I’m not interested in you.”
“Amelia…can you drive me home?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake!”
“Sorry. I don’t really want to get busted for DUI. I guess I wasn’t expecting to get this drunk. I know…I’m stupid.”
“You are stupid!”
“I know. I’m really stupid.”
“You are like, the dumbest guy on earth!”
“Really? The whole planet earth? Like even in Antarctica and across the ocean?”
“Yes. Even the islands that haven’t been discovered yet. Even the vanishing Bermuda Triangle. Hell, probably the moon too.”
“I’m the dumbest guy on the earth or the moon? All right, go me!” he said with a drunken giggle. “I love being the first or the last, never in between.”
I sighed. I fought a smile from my face because I didn’t want to give him the benefit of a laugh. He was really asking for a slap in the face.
But dammit, he WAS my friend and a friend always drives another drunken fool of a friend home. I guess that’s always part of the friendship contract.
But boy, was he going to hear it from me!
“All joking aside, you shouldn’t be drinking like that,” I said, lecturing his drunken ass as I drove him home in my car. “What if you slept with someone else? What if you got into a bar fight or something?”
“I thought I did the responsible thing, I called a friend. At least I didn’t drive home.”
“No, David, you didn’t, because you’re a decent person and not a total jerk.”
“Yeah well…apparently I am more of a jerk than I thought I was.”
“And why do you say that?”
“Well Crystal. I mean I told her some things and she freaked out. She said I better go and think about things.”
“Yeah you should! And did you?”
“Well to me, thinking about things means drinking.”
“Uhh!” I yanked on the steering wheel, seeing red and just moments away from slapping David good.
“ Enough with the jokes, David.”
“Oh come on, Amelia!” he said, finally losing all filtering and just unloading on me with a rant I didn’t ask for. “Why are you acting all weird now? You want to be a friend then be my friend! This is the same talk I would have with my friend, my bro, my stag. I mean…you ARE my friend, aren’t you?”
“Yes I am your friend and I have a right to tell you when you’re doing something stupid.”
“No you don’t,” he responded with a rude voice. “You have a right to listen. God, Amelia, how long has it been? Twenty years? Do you remember how we used to talk? We kept it raw, real, unfiltered. You were a friend not a nag. If I wanted this shit I could have gone home to my girlfriend.”
“You mean your fiancée?”
“Yeah my fiancée who’s so happy to have me, and so happy to be marrying me. Obviously, I mean calling me names is the foundation of a good marriage.”
“Well if you don’t like her, for god’s sakes get out of it! I don’t know what else to tell you!”
“I like Crystal. I do. I think the world of her. But if I’m being honest with myself and her—which she hardly lets me do—then I have to admit…”
He shook his head repeatedly, trying to admit the truth to himself. “I’m not in love with her. And isn’t that the cruelest thing a guy can do, is marry someone and not be in love?”
“Yes it is…” I said, without giving much thought to the follow up.
“And maybe, I don’t know, if I never knew you, Amelia, then I could have married Crystal. Because I would think she’s the best available choice and it’s a good life. But th
en I would be lying to myself every day for the rest of my life.”
He leaned closer to me and looked me in the fact—I could barely keep my hands on the wheel! I kept turning to him and then back to the road.
“Here’s the truth, Amelia. I think you’re acting weird for the same reason I’m acting weird. We’re not friends anymore because we feel something for each other. And I don’t mind being the first to say it this time, because I regret not telling you all those years ago.”
“Telling me what?! David?”
“I’m in love with you.”
“NO you’re not.”
“I’m always been in love with you. Since the time we were children. Twenty years ago, ten years ago. I’ve been in love with you. And it wasn’t because I was afraid to say it. It was because I respected you, god damn it. All your boyfriends…I was doing the right thing.”
“Yeah and-”
“And I’m sick of doing the right thing. You’re not seeing anybody right now. I’ve already screwed my relationship with Crystal up, I have nothing to lose. I love you and I think I want to be with you.”
“No, here’s what’s happening. You are panicking and you’re drunk and you just need to cool it. You’re going to marry Crystal.”
“I don’t want to marry Crystal. Okay, it’s like with my job, right? I know what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. I don’t feel that way with Crystal.”
“And guess what?” I said, slowing the car down and pulling into David’s drive way. “You would feel the same way about me. Don’t deny it! Midlife crisis is not romantic, you know. It just makes you look foolish.”
“Uhh, always so classy, Amelia.”
“No, not classy,” she said with a squint. “Just trying to help you, my friend, my best friend. I want you to make the right choice.”
“Come inside. I want to talk.”
“You are not even talking, you’re spewing all kinds of garble that makes no sense!”
“Fine, then come in and convince me. I’ll eat something, we’ll talk. Like old times.”
I sighed and folded my arms, parking the car.
