The Diary of a Side Chick 6 (SCD)

by Tamicka Higgins

  She fell silent for a moment and her happy tone turned into a more somber one. Shit, I needed to hurry up and get through this.

  “Well, baby. What is it you wanted to let me know about? When it was going to take place? Is he being buried here? I really want his body to be buried here, we already have the family plots so we can all be buried in the same spot. We strong now, I want us to be strong ‘til the day we die and stay together through it all.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I understand momma. I just wanted to let you know that I uh, I have the casket picked out and I contacted them funeral directors and such. All we need is for you to pick out who is going to say the word over Kairee. You wanted to have a full on service right? So we gone go to the church and then we gone go outside and then we gone bury him and then have that party or? I need to know as soon as you can let me know momma, I need to finish this all up. I just—”

  “Kaleo, stop,” Momma said, cutting me off. I’ll admit, I usually hold my tongue because this woman is my mother, but shit. Why the fuck was she cutting me off for?

  “Momma?”

  “Baby, please just stop. Why are you talking about the plans with no type of empathy? You makin’ it sound like Kairee’s funeral is some business deal or something?”

  “Momma, I’m just tryna get this shit done and over with, I really ain’t wanna go through this conversation and stop and sulk. I really fucking don’t. Come on now, tell me what we bout to fucking do so I can go on and get this shit rollin’.”

  Fuck, I just realized all I was saying. I was talking to momma like she was some bitch on the street. It sounded like she was in shock because she gasped a couple of times. I sure hope she didn’t pass out or some shit. I didn’t know if momma was sitting down or not. I mean, I didn’t hear the phone drop so I was left to assume that she was still there just in shock.

  “Kaleo, I don’t know who you think you are talking to with that tone. Cursing at me? Baby, what am I?”

  “Momma, I’m really sorry. It just slipped. Now come on lets go.”

  I tried to slide in that “I’m sorry” statement before I ended it with my business phrase. I really was sorry and all but I really, really, wanted to get up off the motherfucking phone. Shit, man. I just wasn’t really about this.

  “Kaleo, come on now. You think just saying you are sorry is going to excuse the disrespect you just did to me? Baby, I’m hurt that you talked to me like that and I’m gonna forgive you but stop treating this funeral like it is some business deal. Listen to me now. You can get mad at me for saying this or for keepin’ on with this, but baby, I see that you are hurt. I see that you are going through it right now. I am just asking that you go ahead and tell me what is really in your heart.”

  “Momma, I’m fine. Come on now. I wanna get this done, like now. I got people to see and things to handle. I’ll grieve when we get there. I’ll release all my deep feelings when I get to his funeral okay? Now let me go ahead and get what you want to be done at this funeral. Come on.”

  She didn’t say any more and just sighed. I waited a little bit longer before I realized what momma was trying to do. She was purposely not saying anything because she was waitin’ on me to go on and spill how I was feeling. I was getting really mad and I wanted to go off on this woman, but I knew better not to do that. I know how she works. If I were to have gone ahead and went on my little tangent, she would have just sat there and let me release all my frustration. She will just wait until I finished before just sitting in silence again until I gave her what I wanted. She would literally let all the angry words I would say go in one ear and out the other, not feeling offended at all. I saw her do this tactic with daddy and man she always won. Her track record is looking real nice because it was working on me, momma was winning. I just took a deep breath and then decided I answer her for real. She got to me. This woman saw through my pain and she knew that I loved him more than anyone knew. She knew the things we did as kids and how he was my best friend. Momma knew I didn’t mean what I said. She knew that I was really hurting and just trying to rush things just to mask how I was really feeling. Man, I really hated that shit. I hated how she was able to do that. This woman is amazing.

  “Alright, you got me. I’m hurting momma. I’m really, really hurting. I’ll admit, I just treated this like it was business to mask how I felt. For a moment, I categorized Kairee as some other friend who got killed. I disconnected the fact that he was my brother, my right hand man who had been through so much for me. It just hurts looking at all these funeral plans, momma. I ain’t wanna accept the fact that he is gone and that I won’t be seeing him on a regular basis.”

  I started to get choked up and had to take a deep breath. My voice started to change and my voice became shaky and uneasy. I was starting to feel all those built up feelings coming back up. These horrible feelings overwhelmed my body and caused me to break down, crying like a baby on the phone with my mother. I guess this is what it feels like to allow all your feelings to catch up to you after finally letting them come up. They were for real eating me up inside and it was just such a depressing feeling. At that moment, I realized that because I held back all these feelings and repressed them back so much, that they affected me in my daily life. I saw that my repressed emotions caused me to be extra snippy and caused me to say things I knew I didn’t mean. I mean, so far, momma had only been the one to see my wrath. It was sad that she was the one had to deal with my shit, but in a way, I’m glad it was her. She probably would have been the only one who would be able to handle me and turn me around the way she did. Anyone else would have just added fuel to the fire and would have caused me to do something I would probably regret.

  “Momma,” I finally said, after catching my thoughts and catching my breath. I cleared my throat before I continued, “I really am sorry for going off on you like that. I was really just hurt and you were pushing me up against a wall. I love you so much and I apologize for being like that. I just want to have this finished so I can get Kairee down into the ground where he can be at peace.”

  “So you can also be at peace, baby. You need to allow yourself to grieve and give yourself some time to think. Not too much to where you are sulking and making yourself crazy, now. You just need to think about him and let yourself cry your eyes out, baby. Now, I do have Pastor Kenny ready for the funeral. We are going to go ahead with that little chain of events you listed earlier. The uh, us going to the church and then the burial and then the afterlife party thing you was talking about before I cut you off because you were being all sassy with your momma.”

  I chuckled at her last comment. She made me sound like I was a bitch, it was actually pretty funny. But damn, she tore a nigga down just like that in a matter of a few words. Momma was right, though, I needed to give myself some time to let out all my frustrations and let out all my hurts. I had been holding on to them for too long.

  “Alright, momma. I’ll go ahead and work on that and we will probably hold the funeral in a few days, okay? I just need to call up some people and get in touch with them so we can get this all finished up and so we can hold a beautiful funeral for Kairee.”

  “Okay, baby! I love you more than you know. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  “I love you too momma.”

  Click.

  If only that woman knew the magnitude of her words whenever she told me that she loved me. I threw my phone on my desk and fell to my knees. I literally fell apart and sobbed. I cried and cried for a good while. My eyes became puffy and it was almost hard for me to see. My throat became tight and my chest felt like it was caving in. My head pulsated as the tears continued to endlessly flow from my eyes. There was a trail of snot that made its way out of my nose and I used my shirt to wipe it off. After a while of wiping tears and snot, I gave up and let it all go. I doubled over and placed my hands on the ground as I imagined what Kairee went through. I tried really hard to keep that damn image out of my mind but it was really hard at this point. I cried even harder when I en
visioned him falling to the ground, dropping those presents, and not catching himself. I imagined how his baby momma looked and how his baby girl looked too.

  All those images combined made me sick to the point where I almost vomited all over the floor, thank God I didn’t. For one, I wasn’t ‘bout to clean up my own vomit and two, it was just disgusting thinking about it. The repressed feelings that were eating me up inside finally made their way up and out of my system. I curled into a ball onto the ground with my head in my pile of tears. My breathing slowed as my head continued to pulsate. I finally let it all out. I finally took a second to let out all those dark feelings out and I felt good about it. I thought real niggas didn’t cry. I thought real niggas turned their frustrations into fucking females or raging and going on killing sprees. I wanted to be that real nigga, I wanted to be the one who did all those activities, hoping it would cope with the loss. I guess that just wasn’t me. That didn’t make me not be a real nigga though, I was still that nigga. I just realized that I needed to fucking realize that I was hurt and it was okay to hurt.

  I finally got up and made my way to my bathroom to wash my face. I scared myself when I looked at my reflection in the mirror. It definitely did not look like me. I looked like I had been through it. Maybe it did look like me, the real me. The real me that was hurting inside. Seemed accurate. After I washed my face and splashed cool water on it, I dried off my face and headed back to my office. I finally sat behind my desk and picked up my phone to finish up the funeral arrangements.

  Chapter 3

  Kaleo

  I really hate going on rants about Tangie but the bitch made me go there. Now, though, it was time to put my words into actions. She real life pissed me the fuck off ‘cause she decided to go there and kill my brother. I hate soundin’ repetitive, but ooh! I just wanna put a nice cap in the bitch’s head and watch her bleed to death the way she did the same to lil bro. I just can’t stand her. I mean, I’ll be completely honest. All though I could go on and say that she real life pissed me off and I wanna kill her, there is part of me that makes me wanna forgive her and give her the benefit of the doubt. I wanted to justify that maybe I didn’t know the extent of her involvement.

  Hold the fuck up, now I’m reasoning this bitch’s non-guilty or guilty-ness? Shit! This bitch is triflin’ no matter what. Why the fuck was I sitting here thinking about how she could possibly be not at fault for this shit? I needed to kill that part of me ASAP. I also needed a blunt.

  I got out of my bed and grabbed a backwood. I lit that shit up before I made my way to the patio, leaning over the rail as I took a couple big hits.

  I just needed to fucking find this bitch and ask her what was up, ‘cause that was real life bothering me right about now. I figured that if I found her, I’d finally get all my answers and I’d finally be able to kill her, regardless of what she had to say. Yeah, I know I said I wanted to reason with her, but shit. When it comes down to it, I know this hoe is going to piss me the fuck off so I might as well put myself out of my misery and kill her for the shit she has done. Yeah, that is what I’m about to do. I took another big hit as I nodded my head in approval. There was no sane reason why this bitch needed to kill my brother. Damn, why the fuck was I reasoning? Now I’m hella annoyed at myself for being so stupid and thinking about that. I should have known that there ain’t ever gone be some reason that would be good enough to justify that killing lil Kairee was aight. Nope. Shit.

  I looked down at the city again and found myself at peace. It was nice looking over Vendetta and watching all the cars go by. I was thankful for my life and the luxury I was able to live. I looked down and saw my Masi sitting in my driveway. It was lookin’ real nice and I was thankful for the lil thang. I then looked at the house for what I could see from where I was standing. It was an amazing thing to be able to live in this massive house. I worked so hard for this shit. I eventually told momma about how I was living and she was happy about it. She is so innocent and naive and thought that I worked hard picking up shifts and such to get this place. Whatever, it worked for now so I was just gone leave that at that. She knew Kairee had one too and suggested that Dae go on and live in it since he moved out here with me. I wasn’t about to let that happen. For one, it was for security purposes.

  Now that Kairee was gone, I knew them idiots knew where he lived and would probably try to scope out the place just in case I decided to move some operation that way or something. And two, I just didn’t want anyone living where Kairee was supposed to be. That place needed to no longer be connected to me or anyone else in my gang. I’ll eventually find a place for Dae to go for now, though, he can stay under my wing because I need to keep an eye out on lil nigga while I can. I ain’t too worried about it right now to be completely honest. I just need to figure out the shit that needs to be figured out right now before I start diving into shit that doesn’t need to be dealt with at this very moment. I just need to get it together. I will, too, after I finish this here backwood.

  I took another hit and followed it with another as I looked out at the city again. Those depressing feelings were gone and I was somewhat at peace, for the time being. I don’t know exactly how I’m gone feel when this funeral rolls around. Guess that is just another bridge my ass is gone have to cross when it gets here.

  Chapter 4

  Tangie

  Who knew that I would become so dependent on some good ass loud? I asked myself as I whipped out a nice fat one and took a big ass hit off it. I held in the smoke and blew it out, making nice, crisp O’s in the air. I became good at that shit, being I had been indoors for quite some time and really had nothing better to do after completing my mission and encountering Kaleo. I leaned back in my office chair and kicked my left leg over to rest over my right thigh. I continued to smoke my lungs away, just wanting to be completely inhibited by this medicine. It was calming my anxiety and making me feel cool as shit. I loved this shit, more than I really thought I would. It wasn’t too bad, though. I mean, it ain’t like I’m drowning myself in alcohol or nothin’, now that would be something to be concerned with. Shit, it ain’t like I’m takin no other drug either. Although I will admit, Kaleo’s drug makes me wanna try it just for kicks. I wanna know what that shit feels like, after hearin’ Travis talk shit about it. He was mad ‘cause the shit was good, I ain’t understand why this fool was mad about it, though if he was so angry, why he ain’t stop taking it. Oh, I know why, ‘cause he got his dumb ass hooked on that shit. Ahaaaa, his fault. All I know is, if I were to have taken that shit, I would be able to handle my own. I would def be able to take that shit and just experience it. Whatever, though.

  Speaking of Kaleo, that encounter I had with the dude was quite the damn experience in itself. I kind of felt bad when I saw him standing there before me because I knew why nigga was there. He was coming for blood and I knew it from the get. I’ll admit, I really, really hated having to hide that shit from him and having to play the part like I really didn’t know shit, but nigga, I had a job I had to do. I had to do that shit or else Travis was gone have my ass! I do feel hella bad now that I had the time to look back at this shit. Kaleo was my baby and my best friend so yeah, I betrayed him and did him wrong.

  While I sat like a good ol’ “supporter” while he was havin’ that talk with JB, I was schemin’ the plan in my head, taking note of what they asses was about to do. I was good at that shit too, pretending like I cared about they plans and how they was gone retaliate. Lemme tell you somethin’ right now, though, I cared, that is for sure, but it ain’t for the same reason that they was thinkin’. I cared because those snippet of information that they thought was gone stay in that room, was coming with me. So yeah, I had to play that part. Is it sad that ol’ dude lost his brother, yeah, it was and I was scared as shit at first when Travis handed me that damn packet, telling me I had to go on and orchestrate that shit. I was sad. The reason that I was sad was ‘cause I had myself too deep in my feelings for Kaleo. I wanted him to be the one for
me, I really did. But I had grown since then. That is fucking right, I grew up. I learned that being deep in my feelings was gone get me nowhere, so I had to switch it up. I decided that Tangie needed to face the music and become an independent woman who could hold her own. I needed to stop being a little bitch who considered everyone else’s feelings except her own.

  Yeah, I needed to wake the fuck up, so I did. I was no longer that sweet girl who made everyone laugh ‘cause she was so nice and had an outgoing, bubbly personality. Hell to the fucking no! I was now this hard ass bitch who only cared for herself and for this game. So yeah, I had to make myself realize that death is inevitable and if you need to take some lives to get where you need to go, then do it. In this case, Kairee had to go. He just had to, regardless of the fact that he was my boyfriend’s lil bro. Shit, Travis taught me that I needed to be me and work for me. Well, him too, but shit, you know where I was going with this.

  Yo, looking back at that night, I almost had Kaleo’s life in my hands too. I was ‘bout to murk the nigga until dude ass Travis came and pistol whipped the fucker. He later told me that he thought the nigga was gone shoot me so he decided to knock the nigga unconscious. We was getting rained on real good that night so we had to dip up out of there and seek some refuge in another house. I didn’t get to kill nigga, but it's aight. It was good enough to see that he looked like he had just seen a ghost when he saw me standing there. That was something I will never forget and it is something I will gladly take away from that experience. Haha, shit man.