Scars and Songs

by Christine Zolendz

  I staggered back as if she slapped me.

  She shook her head and laughed, pulling herself off the wall, “You know what? Don’t bother, Shane. We were just friends, so there’s no bad crap between us, it’s none of my business what and who you do. Let it go, I know we didn’t have anything more between us. Let’s just do what we do best together, okay?”

  I swallowed back bile and squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head. Before my arms could grab her in an embrace, before the phrase, ‘I was Shamsiel’ passed my lips, she walked past me, leaving me alone in the hallway.

  Grace plugged her guitar back in and without any warning started playing the first song to our set. Slamming violently on her strings, her voice exploded through the studio, anger visibly ripping through her. With her eyes locked on my mine, she tore through riffs with a fury.

  Heat swept over my skin as I savagely grabbed my guitar and responded to her angry music with mine. My fists pounded against my instrument, my fingers clawed at its strings. I twisted myself into her melody backing her against one of the studio walls. I might as well have been trying to fight against a mountain, she maintained her rhythm and fiercely powered through my advance. Piercing each other with our voices and our harmony. It wrecked me; it tore my heart, her anger, her passion.

  I just had to stand there and take it. I had to stand there and watch her hurt. I had to watch her destroy me. All because I couldn’t tell her shit.

  Chapter 26

  “Shane, if you were anymore stupid, I would have to water you twice a week!” Lea’s voice screeched through my phone.

  “Wow. Lea, thanks. That just made my shitty day better. What the…”

  “Shut up, Shane. Just tell me if your dumb angel ass slept with any one of those skanks from Viven4 last night!” she snapped.

  “No,” I answered.

  She growled through the phone. I seriously held it away from my ear for a minute and looked at it. I could still hear her growling.

  “NO, you won’t tell me or NO, YOU DIDN’T PLAY PIN THE PRICK ON A SKANK LAST NIGHT?” Lea screamed. My phone wasn’t even to my ear and I heard her crystal clear.

  “Pin the Prick on a skank? Seriously, Lea, give me a break. I wasn’t even with them last night. Grace caught me walking in and changing my shirt with Bliss behind me, nothing more,” I explained.

  “Well, my best friend just called me extremely upset, Shane. She called for a BOYS HATER CLUB NIGHT! That hasn’t happened since we were fourteen! Go talk to her and tell her everything, right now!”

  I squeezed my eyes tight, and I swear, for a few moments I thought I might be having a heart attack from the sharp pain that slammed through my chest, into my lungs and right up my throat. “I can’t,” I whispered into the phone. “Besides, she won’t want me as Shane Maxton, until I prove to her Shane’s a good guy.”

  “Hey, douche? You’re a man now, start acting like one.” Then she hung up on me. Burn. That stung. That woman’s mouth was lethal with words.

  I looked up at the ceiling of my bedroom, cringing inside. I came straight home from band practice; right after Grace tore out of the studio like she’d self destruct if she stayed any longer. She shot daggers at me when she left, and the sick part was that it felt like those dagger actually cut me.

  Screw this. If she were upset, she’d be going for a run. I changed quickly into my sweats and raced to her apartment.

  Grace was barreling through her front door with her little white hoodie on, sneering at me. God, I wanted to kiss the hate off her lips.

  “Yeah, I thought you’d be ready for a run,” I said, offering her a smile.

  “And you thought this because…” she prompted slamming and locking the door behind her.

  “Because you’re pissed off at me and when you get angry you run. It’s what helps you think, clears your head,” I whispered, moving closer to her.

  “You are very arrogant, Shane Maxton, to think that I’d be thinking of you or feeling angry with you.” She bent down and began stretching, never taking her eyes off mine.

  I shifted myself even closer to her, until my face was hovering just above hers. Her lips parted and her eyes held firm to mine. My fingers ached to touch her lips and my body flooded with heat. “No, babe. You do think of me, you are angry with me, and Grace, you want me every damn bit as much as I want you.”

  Her skin flushed bright pink and she swallowed hard. “Well crap, Shane, now I really need to run,” she whispered back.

  So we did. For two hours, I kept her pace and we ran around Central Park, stomping our anger and issues beneath our sneakers.

  When we cooled down and ended back in front of her apartment, I couldn’t help but smile when she asked me, “Want to come in for some water?” She held the door open and her eyes challenged mine, as if she wasn’t taking no for an answer.

  Like I was going to say no to her, ever. I pushed myself through her door impatiently. I needed more than just water to quench the thirst I had for her.

  Just like she could hear my thoughts, she walked down the hallway in front of me, grabbed at the bottom of her hoodie and pulled it over her head really slow. She wore a tiny tank top underneath that barely covered her smooth back that glistened with a damp layer of sweat. When she shimmied out of her bottoms and stood in front of me with just her tiny boy shorts on, every single nerve ending in my body stood up rigid.

  She looked back over her shoulder toward me, biting down on her bottom lip.

  I yanked my shirt over my head and threw it behind me on the floor. “Come here,” I whispered as I closed the distance between us. Wrapping my arms around her, I pulled her against my bare chest. Lowering my face into her neck, my breath hot against her damp skin, I tasted her salty sweetness. My tongue caressed her skin and my hands slid up her slippery stomach cupping themselves around her breasts. I pressed my hips into her and a small whimper slipped past her lips.

  Slowly, she turned around to face me, sliding her index finger seductively along the lines of my tattoo. “I’d love to hear the story behind this one day,” she whispered, kissing and gliding her tongue over the inked lines. She looked up at me through her long dark lashes and my breath caught. I wanted to drown myself in her skin.

  “God, Grace,” a moan vibrated deep within my chest. Bending my head down, I rested my forehead against hers and fixed my eyes on her. I ran my fingers gently through her hair grasping handfuls and knotted them in my fists. Holding onto her head firmly, I pulled her face to mine and covered her lips. I took the smallest nip of her bottom lip and tugged, pulling back. Backing her against the wall, I slipped my tongue inside her mouth, pure lust pounding through my veins.

  Her hot sweaty palms against my chest pushed me away. It shocked me. Seriously, it almost killed me. A whimper tore from my chest, as if I was a wounded animal. Her distance felt like an amputation.

  “Ahhh no, no. I can’t…I can’t do this,” she moaned and pulled away. “I’m done, Shane,” she whispered.

  I jerked away, pulse racing. I focused my eyes on hers and stood up straight and tensed, “What’s that mean, Grace?” I asked through clenched teeth.

  Tears rimmed her eyes, as she looked away, “I’m. Done. Shane.”

  I slid my hands back up along her scalp and gripped her hair tighter between my fingers, tilting her head so she would look back into my eyes. Searching her face, I growled, “Grace, what are you done with?”

  “You.”

  The wind knocked out of my chest and I inhaled unevenly, trying to catch my breath. Instinctively, I pushed away the sharp pain of her words. My hands flew off her, yet I still spoke my heart. “Don’t give up on me, Grace. I’m here with you now.”

  She backed up, laughing at me with tears streaming down her face. Fucking laughing and crying. “Shane,” she shook her head slowly. “You have this special way of making any girl feel…completely insignificant, and I couldn’t care less what you say or do, I won’t agree to be insignificant, inconsequential, or easy
replaceable for anyone.”

  Then I gathered every ounce of strength I ever had to stand my ground, and watched her walk the fuck away from me.

  Within the hour, Lea was calling my cell phone again, ranting and raving at me. Alex and I were at a diner, eating and well, truthfully hiding out from the girls from Vixen4 who were at the moment, performing one of their shows at a small venue on the West Side. We didn’t feel up to hearing Bliss screech about itchy track marks or cheating boyfriends.

  She huffed into the phone, whispering. “I’m hiding in the bathroom of Boozer’s so I can talk to you! Where the heck are you? You better not be at Vixen4’s show or I will punch you in the nuts so hard your future children will feel it!”

  The thought caused me to laugh out loud, “You’re freaking insane, Lea. Alex and I are at a diner. I thought you girls were having a Boys Hater Night, you know burn a bunch of my pictures and talk about all the crap I’ve never done behind Grace’s back.”

  “Shane,” she whispered. “Get your sexy ass down to Boozer’s now. Ryan is making lovey dovey goo-goo eyes at Grace and she’s staring at his lip ring like it’s a life preserver and she’s effing drowning!”

  I coughed my soda up all over Alex, who sat across from me cursing and trying to wipe himself clean with wads of crumpled napkins.

  “What am I supposed to do about it, Lea? Go all caveman on her? Storm down there and grab her by the hair and drag her all the way to bed?”

  “Oh, that sounds…nice…”

  “Lea!” I screamed. By that time everyone in the diner was listening to the conversation and Alex had soda and ketchup smeared all over his shirt and face.

  “Listen, Shane. Marie just told her that nothing happened between the both of you that night we all got drunk at Boozer’s.” Which night is that? Because we seem to get drunk at Boozer’s every night. Focus, Shane. Lea continued, “Not that I thought you did anything with Marie, you wouldn’t stick your dick in a shark’s mouth…”

  “Lea, I didn’t do anything with Bliss either. Shit, Lea, I haven’t slept with anyone since I saw Grace that first night. I’ve told her, but she doesn’t believe me. She doesn’t trust me.”

  “You’re both, like, on fire when you’re together, Shane, and she’s fucking terrified you will consume her and she’s going to get burned. She doesn’t know it’s you, she thinks you are only Shane Maxton, you have to tell her!”

  Of course, since that’s all she had to say on the subject, she hung up on me. Again. How the hell does Conner deal with her?

  Of course, when Alex and I walked into the Boozer’s, Grace was sitting at the bar with Ryan drooling at her like a dog in heat. A dog that needed to be put down. When she turned her head in my direction and finally noticed me, a guilty look crossed over her face. What the hell? I could feel the color just drain out of my face as white-hot anger ripped through my body. Was telling her I was once an angel going to make her love somebody like Shane? How could you fall in love with someone because of what they once were?

  Ryan followed Grace’s stare and frowned in my direction. Nice friend. A sudden thought of Boozer’s needing a new bartender filled my mind, and yeah, I know how petty I sounded, but I hated him that moment. As if Ryan could hear my thoughts, he dragged his body back across the bar away from Grace, leaving her sitting alone, watching me.

  I raked my hands through my hair and walked out the front door, Alex trailing behind me.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  “Just awesome,” I answered him.

  Clapping a hand on my shoulder, he pulled me back against the side of Boozer’s. “So tell me how it feels,” he murmured.

  I lifted my head to look at him, his green eyes wide with wonder. “How does what feel?” I asked him.

  Alex shrugged his shoulders and leaned against the cold brick of the building, “Being in love with her.” He tilted his head to the side, raised his eyebrows at me and waited.

  I rubbed at the back of my neck and tried to avoid his stare, “Dude, shut up.”

  Alex crossed his arms, watching me, a slow smile burning across his face. His voice turned soft, “I’m kind of serious, Shane. I never felt what you look like when you look at her.”

  I covered my face with my hands and raked them across the sides of my neck, looking at him. “There is nothing in this world I have ever wanted more than to bury myself inside that girl. I…I have no fucking common sense when she’s near me, all I can think of is her.” I rubbed my face again with my hands, “It’s like I’ve turned back to being a junkie, trying to score my next fix of her. It’s sick, Alex. And all she thinks is that I’m this fucking asshole who will sleep with anyone and she’s just the next notch on my belt. Ever since I saw her in the audience that night, the first time I laid eyes on her; there was no one else worth thinking about. ”

  “So, I don’t get it, then why did you just leave the bar?”

  “Because maybe someone like Ryan is better for her than a piece of shit like me,” I mumbled.

  His smile slipped and his eyes rolled. “Okay, Shane. What the fuck did you eat for lunch, a narcissist burger with a side of self-esteem issue fries and a whiny ass frilly beer? You sound like a freaking girl.”

  My eyes almost bugged out of my damn head I laughed so hard.

  “Dude, the next thing you’ll be asking me is how fat your ass looks in a dress and if the highlights in your hair make your eyes sparkle. Don’t let Grace slip through your fingers because you’re a chicken shit cry-baby, that’s not the Shane Maxton I know. And if you start wearing glitter and lip gloss, you’re out of the band.” Then he slapped me in the head and walked back into the bar. Dumbass. But a dumbass with a good point.

  I stalked into the bar after Alex. He was right, or course. I was being a whiny girl. Grace was mine, and all I had to do was tell her.

  Lea, Conner and Tucker sat around a table covered with milkshakes and half-eaten burgers, talking. I collapsed heavily into a chair, while Alex ran after some girl, pinching her ass all the way to the bar. I looked at Lea, “Where’s Grace?”

  “She left. I think she went to go look for some idiot who I thought was as sweet as an angel, but is just a stupid DOUCHE,” Lea snapped. She finger-tapped her annoyance on the table and waited for my reply. When I didn’t give her one, she propped her head up with her hands and leaned across the table with a tight smile. “My mistake, I completely read the dude wrong. I thought he really cared about her. Turns out he has this secret identity that he doesn’t want anyone to know about called Super Douche.”

  Conner whistled and gently placed his hand across Lea’s scowl to stop her from further lashing out at me. “Babe, you can’t change Shane. I don’t know why you get so hell bent on changing the world one couple at a time. You live in some romance novel. Just leave them alone, they’ll figure it all out.”

  Lea’s nostrils flared. It scared the shit out of me, so I can’t even pretend to know how scared Conner might have been. She turned her stony brown gaze at Conner and bared her teeth. Holy Mother of All Evil Girlfriends! “I’m going to choose to ignore your asinine statement, because I happen to like it when you put your BEEP on my BEEP, twirl it around and then you add your BEEP to my other BEEP and give me the best damn BEEPS of my life.” Taking a huge breath, she continued jabbing a finger at his shoulder, “AND, I’m not trying to change the world, Conner! Oh, and for your information, this crappy world will NOT change the least bit until…” This would be the part when she directed her narrowed eyes at me and rolled up her sleeves. “Until people tell THE TRUTH!”

  “The truth,” Conner, Tucker and I whispered, all nodding our heads in rapt attention, waiting for her hysterical words of wisdom. Not one of us wanted to be the first guy to laugh and lose a nut.

  “Yes, the truth…” Lea calmly sat back in her seat and fixed her shirt and pants. “Let’s just say this world won’t change until there’s a truthful… ah…advertisement…about tampons…um…where the women are all curled up on the
ir beds, angrily drinking wine and eating graham crackers smothered in marshmallows and chocolate, while crossing out all the pictures of the cheerleader’s faces they hated in their high school yearbook.”

  Tucker was the first to laugh, “He twirls what around your beep?” He was also the first to get whacked upside the head by her, which made the rest of us crack up.

  “Hey, Tucker?” Lea asked starting to laugh herself. “You know what a satisfied woman sounds like?”

  “No…what?” Tucker asked.

  “Yeah, I didn’t think you did,” she answered laughing harder.

  Tucker laughed and wiggled his eyebrows, “Oh, Lea. We all know you find me extremely attractive and want me to beep you in the beep.”

  “Tucker, have you ever heard of eye candy?” Lea asked sweetly.

  “Hell yeah,” Tucker winked at her.

  “Well, you’re more like eye broccoli to me.” Lea laughed. She swung her arm around Conner and nodded to me, “Come on, let’s get out of here and wait for Grace at home. She really did go looking for you, Shane.”

  My thoughts scattered and all I could think of was seeing her face again. I jumped out of my seat, spilling one of the beers on the table and laughed. “As long as I don’t have to witness any of his beeping your beep while we wait.”

  Chapter 27

  When we got back to Lea’s apartment, Grace was standing in the kitchen with the refrigerator wide open, empty water bottles littering the floor and a dozen eggs smashed at her feet. She looked pale green and sick; she couldn’t even focus her eyes on us.

  “Grace, are you okay?” Lea asked concerned.

  Her dilated eyes squinted desperately towards me, “I’m really thirsty,” she mumbled. Her knees looked about to buckle under her and I rushed over to her and placed the back of my hand against her forehead. She fell limply into my arms; her skin was on fire. “Grace, you’re burning up.” I looked at Lea, “Get some aspirin and juice.”

  I lifted her gently into my arms, and I swear it was like touching fire. Carrying her through the hallway, she tried to wrap her arms around my neck, but she seemed too weak to lift them. As I opened the door to her room, I gasped and my entire body stiffened with annoyed anger. Even though the walls of her room had been re-sheet rocked and painted since the fire, she had no furniture, except a large mattress lying across her bare floor. Her laptop and guitar were leaning against the far wall.