Half Black Soul

by H. D. Gordon

  Kayden wrapped his arm around my shoulder, and my heart missed a beat. So, tell me, he said.

  I looked up at him. His golden eyes seemed to burn right through me. I could tell that he was genuinely concerned, and for whatever reason, it made me want to cry. I shook my head and looked down at my hands. I don't know where to start. I & I'm scared, Kayden.

  I won't let anything happen to you, he whispered.

  I know I'd said that I would open up to him, but how could I tell him that I was scared because I felt like I was losing part of myself. I wasn't afraid of dying. At least, I didn't think I was. I was afraid because I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I didn't know what would become of me if I did manage to make it out of that prison. I didn't know anything about & anything. And, yes, I was scared out of my mind.

  Kayden scooted back on the bed and pulled me to him. I rested my head on his chest, thinking of how easy it would be to give myself over to him right now. I could let him take my pain away, or at least shoulder some of it for me. I could forget that I had a boyfriend waiting for me, a Mother who needed my help, and a whole race of people who were counting on me to deliver them from the horrors of an evil dictator. I didn't even think that he would deny me. I could, if I wanted, if that's who I was, be & weak. Just this one time.

  But, if there was one thing I still knew about myself, if there was one part of me I knew hadn't slipped away, that I knew wouldn't change no matter what this crazy life threw at me, it was that Iwasn't weak. I was a Warrior. And, okay, in many ways, I was still just a little girl, and I didn't want my first time to be when I was too messed up to really consider what I was doing.

  So, I just let him hold me, and took comfort in the fact that his strong arms made me feel safe. And, that would be enough for now. When I woke, it would be time to save my Mother. When I woke, I would try my best to be whole, to be strong, and to hold myself together. When I woke, I would remind myself that this man, whose arms seemed to fit so perfectly around me, more than likely didn't love me in the same way I did him.

  But, tonight, I would sleep, and pretend that none of it mattered.

  Nelly

  Another day in full swing. Another day without my sister. It was lunchtime, and since I couldn't keep skipping the period and ignoring my boyfriend and friends, I sat at in the cafeteria and pretended to sip blood from a foam cup. Daniel had been upset with me about not showing up at his place last night, but he'd taken my apology and let it drop. He really was a great guy. I wouldn't be able to deal with boyfriend troubles right now with everything else going on.

  I hadn't slept very well. How could I? I kept replaying the conversation at the meeting over and over in my head, trying to make sense of it all. I was starting to think that if Alexa didn't come back soon, I was going to leave Two Rivers and go looking for her. This place was seriously starting to scare me.

  You want to try again, asked Bethany, breaking into my thoughts.

  I'd forgotten that I'd told her we could practice Searching while we ate lunch, but she certainly hadn't forgotten. She'd been waiting by the door to the cafeteria when I'd entered. And, now, I had to sit here and pretend like I was struggling to pull stupid numbers out of her head when all I really wanted was to be left alone. When Jackson heard what we were doing, he had shot a curious look at me, as if he wasn't sure I should be openly practicing Searching with another student. But, after I gave him a don't worry about it look, he'd sat back and stayed silent.

  Why don't you try, I told Bethany. I didn't sleep very well last night. It's a struggle for me to try to get your number right now.

  Bethany grabbed her Styrofoam cup off the table. Let's just take a break. Lunchtime's almost over anyway. We did good today.

  I nodded, relieved that she was finally ready to give it a rest. I relaxed my shoulders and let the extra walls I'd put in place to keep Bethany from certain information in my head fall away. It took more energy to let her in enough to just get a number I was thinking of while blocking her from the rest of my soul than it did to just block her off completely. My walls are always in place. Letting someone slip around them took extra concentration.

  But, when I felt an unmistakable prod, I reinforced my walls and snapped my gaze toward Bethany. She sat back, her brows furrowed. I was too agitated at the moment to let that slide. Why did you do that? I snapped. Daniel, Jackson and Tommy looked up and tensed.

  Bethany's eyebrows rose innocently. Do what?

  I thought you said we were done for the day. Why did you just try to Search me?

  Bethany sat back and pushed her hair out of her face. Relax. Your soul is like a freaking fortress. It's not like I could get in. Besides, how did you know that I just tried to Search you?

  I swear I almost growled. That's not an excuse. Searching people without their permission is downright rude. And I knew because you're not good enough to Search someone without them knowing it. Especially not me.

  Bethany pushed back her seat and stood up. You know what, you're right, and I shouldn't have tried to without your permission. It was just that I felt like every time I did manage to pull the number from your head it was because you let me. I wanted to see if I could get past your walls when you weren't paying attention, that's all. But you don't have to be a bitch about it. With that, she stalked off.

  I sat back in my seat. Was she kidding? She was the one who'd tried to Search me, and then she had the nerve to call me a name. I wished Alexa were here. She would have popped her in the mouth for that one. Maybe I should have, but I probably would have just ended up breaking my wrist. I could see why Alexa never had any use for female friends. They were annoying.

  Across the way, Jackson was looking at me like I needed to calm down. I flipped my hair over my shoulder. What? I snapped.

  He held both of his hands up. Nothing.

  I sighed. Sorry, I mumbled. It's not you I'm mad at. I guess I am kind of being a &,

  Bitch, Tommy provided.

  I scowled. Thanks.

  Tommy smirked. No. I didn't mean that you were being a bitch. I was saying it because I knew you wouldn t. You were right. She shouldn't have done that. Definitely not cool.

  Daniel wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I took his hand and squeezed it. You're just upset right now, he said. You have every right to be. And Tommy is right. That wasn't cool.

  I looked over at Jackson, who nodded. Yeah, Nell. Not cool at all, he added, and by the way he said this, I could tell that he meant that I needed to be more careful. I gave a small nod to confirm that I agreed.

  Somehow, I made it through the rest of the school day, and now it was time for the real work to begin. I had learned a lot yesterday, but I was no closer to finding my sister, so I was in no way done. My plans for today were simple. First, I would practice again in the woods. Then, I planned visit Mark at the hospital, if he was indeed at the hospital. Not so much because I needed to Search him, but because I know Alexa would want me to check up on him. I was saving the hardest thing for last, but it had to be done. Later, I would go find Tommy's father, and Search him all the way down to the pit of his soul. I had to know if Gavin's suspicion was right. I had to know if he really had tried to kill the Queen and my sister that night when the podium had blown up.

  After school, I slipped into the trees behind the Searcher school building easily enough and began making my way back to the spot I'd practiced at yesterday. I tried to move quickly, but I found that these woods still scared me as much as they had before. I got the feeling that no matter how much time I spent out here, I would never really be comfortable. I just kept thinking that I really shouldn't be in these trees alone, or at all, for that matter.

  But, I had things to do, and fear or no, I was going to do them. It was easy enough to find the spot I'd been in yesterday, as it was just a straight walk in the same direction, but about halfway there it started to rain a little again. It wasn't a heavy downpour, but it was enough to make me wish I'
d worn a rain coat. If it kept up, I was going to be soaked by the time I returned to the city.

  I tossed my backpack to the ground and sat on top of it; better it get muddy than me. It still amazed me that it could be so quiet out here in these trees, especially when I knew for a fact that they were teeming with life. I knew that the city was only a couple miles away, but being out here gave me the impression of being in the middle of nowhere, and I hummed a little just to hear my own voice.

  When I relaxed myself enough, I closed my eyes and slowly let my mind stretch out around me. I was hungry again, and if I wanted to be able to concentrate, then I needed to take care of that necessity first. It wasn't hard. In fact, it was even easier than it had been yesterday. This time, I didn't waste the energy on a rabbit. I called another whitetail to me first, and drank my fill of it before sending it away. Renewed, I sat back and thought for a moment about what I needed to work on.

  I decided range was as good a thing to practice as anything else. The further I could stretch my mind out, the better. It was a stupid thought to entertain, because I was pretty sure that it was impossible, but I couldn't help but hope that if Alexa hadn't gone too far, maybe I could reach her. And, even though I had a nagging feeling that my sister was way beyond my reach now, I needed to dosomething to make myself feel better.

  I closed my eyes once more, and concentrated on stretching that muscle out as far as it would go. It was sort of like pulling a huge rubber band out and out and out, and I was sweating after just a few minutes of it. But, admittedly, it felt good. It was such an opposite to what I usually had to do, that it was like stretching my legs out after having been sitting in a cramped space for way too long. Soul after soul fell under the umbrella of my mind; animals and plants and insects. When my mind reached the city limits of Two Rivers, I stopped pushing it out in that direction, and instead began forcing it to extend in the opposite direction. It was better to keep the souls in the city out of this little exercise.

  I was impressed, though. I was pretty sure that Two Rivers was a few miles to my east, and while yesterday I had felt the concentrated buzz of all the souls there, I hadn't reached them like I was today. Today, my mind had stretched out in a circle that had to be at least a six miles in diameter. It was pretty awesome.

  But, it made me wonder just how far I could go, so for over an hour, I pushed and pushed my mind toward the west. My breathing grew heavy and ragged, and I was beginning to feel lightheaded. It seemed to me that if I willed it hard enough, the rubber band muscle that was my mind would just stretch on into eternity. I was just about to pull back, and call it quits for the day, when I felt them.

  At first, I thought I must be mistaken. In the past hour, I'd reached hundreds of forest creatures with my mind and thousands of tiny bugs and plant-life. So, when the souls of the supernaturals, an estimated ten miles to my east, came into range, I figured that I must have just been overexerting myself. But, when I pulled closer, I knew that I hadn't been mistaken. The pain of these souls ran too deep for any animal or insect. There were people out in these woods.

  I had stood up and swung my backpack over my shoulders before I even realized what I was doing. My feet pulled me in the direction of the souls, even though my brain was telling me that I should probably be heading back to the city instead. Rather than listening to my right mind, I picked up my pace into jog. Ten miles was a long way to go, but I was conditioned for long-distance running. And, I couldn't ignore the cries of the souls that seemed to be screaming out to me. Something was seriously wrong here. I was going to find out what.

  I jogged for about seven miles straight, glancing down at my watch every thirty minutes or so. If I could make it to & wherever the heck I was going soon, I might be able to get back to the city before the sun set. I knew there were no Lamias out here; the running rivers that flanked the walls around this land kept them out. But, I was in no way comfortable with being out here after dark, so I kept moving as quickly as I could manage. Branches tugged at my hair and clothing. Twigs and pine needles crunched under my feet. The trees seemed endless, and the sun stayed steady in its descent to the west. I continued to move forward.

  Eventually, I came to a large lake. I found it odd that a lake was out here in the middle of the forest, but with each step I'd taken the feel of the people's souls in these woods became more and more potent. They were just on the other side of this lake, hundreds of them, and perhaps it was just the pure & anguish that radiated from all of them, but I was determined to reach them.

  I spotted a rickety bridge that made a crossing point at a narrower part of the lake and headed toward it. It looked weak and weathered, and I was hesitant to set foot on it, but after another glance at my watch, I grabbed the sides of it with my hands, and started across. It swayed, and I held my breath. I could swim, but I'd prefer not to do so in a foreign lake in a foreign forest.

  When I finally reached the other side, I took a deep breath. I knew where to go, but it seemed to occur to me just then that I was neck-deep in a place that I probably really ought not be. I could still see the sun peeking through the trees, and while this offered some comfort, the fact that their shadows seemed to be growing deeper and longer by the minute made the hair on my arms stand on end. I was confident that if an animal tried to attack me, I could probably control it long enough to make it go away, but I was still scared. It didn't really matter now, though. I was in too deep already, both literally and figuratively.

  But, as I got closer, I began to tremble, and it wasn't because the rain had picked up. Somehow, I knew in my soul that what I was about to see was going to change things. Whatever these broken souls were doing out here, whatever the reason they were here, I was sure that it wasn't something that the people of Two Rivers were privy to. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be either. But, ignoring them, and just turning back in direction I'd come would have been the same as turning away from a burning building, when I knew darn good and well that men, women and children were trapped inside.

  My movements adopted a zombie-like manner. I felt like a fly drawn to the light of a bug-zapper. A small hill loomed ahead, and I knew that the people I sought lay just behind it. I also was aware that time was of precious value, and that darkness would fall over the land at its designated time whether I took the lead out of my shoes or not. But, I couldn't seem to care at the moment. The pain from the souls made my chest ache more and more with every step I took.

  When I reached the top of the hill, the sight along with the feeling made me fall down hard on my knees. My heart seemed to constrict painfully in my chest, and my breath got jammed up in my throat. My eyes began to water, and within seconds, warm tears spilled over and ran freely down my cheeks. My fingernails dug into the wet earth at my sides, and my head fell forward as if an almighty hand had smacked the back of my skull.

  What are you doing here?

  The voice was fierce, but childish. I'd known that she was there before she'd spoken, but it didn't seem to matter. The reality before me was much too devastating to concern myself with anything other. I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I hadn't come here, wishing the darkness behind my lids could just make it all go away. I really, really shouldn't have come here. I wanted to go home. Problem was, I had no home to go to. The silent tears running down my face turned into violent sobs.

  Um & are you okay, said the girl at my back.

  No. No. No. No. No. It was all I could manage.

  You shouldn't be here, she said.

  I lifted my head a fraction, the effort seeming to take an enormous amount of energy, and turned my face so that I could see the girl who'd spoken. Whatever was left of my heart broke into a million more pieces and fell to the pit of my soul. More sobs wracked my body.

  I knew who this girl was. I didn't have to ask. I knew who all the people below me in this sorry excuse for a village were. Their souls were as open to me as a well-worn book, and their pain cut through me so deeply that it was a wonder that I wasn't bleeding. Th
ere were so many of them; slaves. Blood donors. Men. Women. Children & Undesirables. I began to dry heave.

  A small hand touched my shoulder, and I cried out at the contact. My mind was free now, and it seemed to refuse to return home until I grasped every single horror that lay before me. I knew all of the souls instantly, and that meant I knew their pain. And, this little girl, Soraya, hers was the worst thing I've ever known in all my years of Soul Searching. Her pain burned me and ate at me in a way that I knew instinctively would leave nothing left.

  Soraya's hand fell away, as if she could sense what her touch was doing to me. She crouched beside me. What are you? she asked.

  I'm Alexa's sister, I said, and even my voice came out sounding broken.

  You know who I am?

  I nodded. You're Soraya.

  She gestured to the village at the bottom of the hill. People mulled around down there, all of them dirty and beaten and so very, very hopeless. The contrast to the city I'd just come from was sickening. Nothing here was beautiful or cared for. Small huts used for homes were the only structures. The ground was just hard-packed dirt, turned dark and muddy due to the rain. The people wore no shoes. Their faces were gaunt and sunken. Some were old. Some were crippled. Some were just children. Like Soraya. Poor, precious Soraya, who from her soul, I knew to love my sister. Alexa had come to this place. She had come to this place, vowed to help these people, and then left. Soraya didn't know that she was gone.

  You know what this is, then? she asked.

  I nodded again. Yes, I know.

  I cringed visibly when Soraya grabbed my arm and attempted to pull me to my feet. I didn't want to move. I couldn t. If all these people had to suffer, while I returned to the cozy life I'd known back at Two Rivers, perhaps I deserved to share in their agony. There was plenty of it to go around.

  Get up, Soraya said, grunting a little with the effort to get me on my feet. When I began shaking at her touch, she released me. Okay, I get it. This is a lot to take in. But, get up. Whatever it is that you're doing seems to be too much for you. Let's get you away from the village.