"Great. Thanks. Now be nice, that's my man's vagina you're making fun of!"
"I know, honey," she pulls out her motherly tone. "I wouldn't want it any other way, babe."
"Love you, bitch," I say ready to call Jack and hear his misery when I tell him all about my day full of ninety-year-old vaginas.
I swear the girls in my office like to schedule them all in one day, that way they can clean and Febreze the office after the patients leave to make it not smell like mothballs.
"Love you too, whore. Oh… well… I guess not anymore, huh?" Ryley laughs and I have to as well.
Hanging up with her, I immediately miss my best friend. And her family. All of the crazies.
***
By Friday I'm so ready to have a nice good fuck, and a part of me, the part below my hips and above my thighs, forgets about having a boyfriend for a millisecond. That millisecond happened to be while dressing. By the time I get to the bar to meet the girls, I realize I've made a huge mistake. Taken women don't wear skirts that barely cover their ass and shirts with ripped collars past their cleavage. The eyes I've been getting all night are starting to creep me out and that's never happened before. To take my mind off the men staring at me, I grab my phone and snap a picture of the band setup at the front of the bar and send it to Jack.
JENNY: My view tonight.
He immediately sends one back.
JACK: Mine. A lot more awesome than yours.
Attached is a picture of Firefly sitting on Jack's lap. It looks like they are outside by the pond.
JENNY: Aww my baby! How is she? Getting along good? Are you feeding her enough? Make sure to give her kisses from mommy!
JACK: Great Jenny. Will do. I'll let her read this too.
JENNY: Smartass
JACK: What're ya wearing?
I take a selfie and send it to him, making sure to angle it down to get the full effect of the ripped shirt and short skirt. Waiting for a response, I order a beer and grin to myself. He plans on teasing me with peaceful awesomeness, I'll tease him with the goods he can't touch.
JACK: GO HOME AND CHANGE!
JENNY: Nope ;) My friends just got here.
JACK: Women I hope.
JENNY: For now ;)
JACK: Jenny.
JENNY: Enjoy your evening Jack. XOXO
JACK: Be careful please.
I send him back a picture of me giving him the thumbs up then set my phone down as the girls finally arrive.
"Oh my God, Jenny! You look so hot! Damn, girl. You're gonna get the good D tonight, girlfriend!" Heather yells.
The 'good D' is in Wisconsin.
"Holy shit, Jenny! You look smokin'!" Julie exclaims.
Now that the entire bar is looking our way I grin suddenly embarrassed of these girls and their behavior.
"Okay," I drawl out. "Let's have a seat. I ordered us a round already," I mutter sliding over the other two beers that the waiter delivered.
"So, how was Wisconsin?" Julie asks taking a swig and eyeing the men sitting across the room from us.
"Good… good, real good."
"How’s Ryley?" Heather's snide tone makes me roll my eyes.
Most of the town got over that drama when it happened. A few of them still hold on to the fact that Liam and Ry shouldn't be together. Why do I socialize with these people?
"Great. She's so happy up there with Liam and their little boy. They're perfect for each other." I have to rub it in her face.
She's being such a bitch. Or maybe she's always been one, I just never noticed because I'd always been more interested in who I'd be getting out the door with me. Either way, tonight's kind of opening my eyes to these girls and their ways.
"Oh girls, looks like we'll be having visitors soon," Julie remarks sitting up a little straighter and making sure to pull her shirt down as low as she legally can.
God, was I like this before?
"Hey, girls," a man with a days worth of stubble and a balding head grins, sizing each of us up.
I grab my phone and pretend to be checking something, but instead I snap a quick picture of the Casanova that thinks he's getting in one of our pants tonight.
JENNY: Date material?
I attach the picture and hit send. Not a minute later my phone dings. Smiling, and completely ignoring the conversation happening in front of me, I check his response.
JACK: Jenny just go home! This isn't funny. We can Skype, I'll show you a better time than that asshole could any day.
JENNY: But the balding head could be fun to rub on…
JACK: NO!
I laugh out loud picturing how red his face is getting. Messing with him is so much fucking fun.
"What's got you all in knots over there, honey?" the man drawls.
God, he's repulsive!
"My boyfriend." I smile and shrug ignoring the glares from my girl friends.
"Oh!" Heather boasts. "You didn't tell us you had a boyfriend now, Jenny." There's a smile on her face but it's definitely forced.
At one point we had a 'no boyfriend' pact. They don't know about my challenge from Gage but I never thought I'd settle down with anyone, so I was all in. Apparently they still take that pact very seriously.
JACK: You still with the asshole?
I giggle at his choice of words.
JENNY: Yep. And two of my girl friends.
"Hey, Jenny, tell us more about this boyfriend of yours," Julie says leaning in on her elbows.
"His name's Jack. He lives in Wisconsin—"
"Wisconsin? Honey, I can do you more good here than he can from all the way over there!" The man moves closer to me like he's honestly making a move on me right after hearing I have a boyfriend.
"Um… what'd you say your name was again?"
"Steve, baby. But you can call me Daddy."
The girls snicker but neither come to my rescue.
"Okay, Steve… you do know Wisconsin isn't 'over' anywhere. It's 'up'. Up there. Right on the border of Canada." I raise my eyebrows as this 'Steve' character scrunches his brows together.
Shit, did I always talk to ignorant creeps like this? Was my head so far up.… Well, I guess a penis, that I never noticed how pathetic these men really are?
"Whatever." He mumbles something about an entitled bitch and I lose it.
The swing of my hand is just hard enough to knock him off balance, hitting him square in the jaw.
"It's not nice to call ladies bitches, Steve," I whisper. "Girls, it was nice seeing you. I'm tired. Time to hit the sack," I say then hug them each goodbye. Walking back past Steve, I go to act like I'm going to hug him, then ever so perfectly squirrel tap him right where it counts.
He goes down, and I mean hard.
Cracking up, hearing yells from the girls at the table over the man they were hoping to fuck, I walk out of the bar and pull out my phone to call Jack.
"Hey, you," he says sounding tired.
"I touched another man's junk," I say trying not to laugh.
"You did WHAT!?" he bellows and I almost lose my composure.
"Yeah." I'm working as hard as I can not to laugh and give it away too soon. "He was being a dick… so I hit him in the face, then squirrel tapped him."
A moment of silence is followed by bellowing laughter. I've never heard him laugh this hard and maybe some of it's just a release of stress that has been building up, but hearing his laugh puts a comfort in me I never knew I was missing.
"God, woman, you amaze me," he says finally calming down.
"I thought you'd like that." I get in the car and switch him to Bluetooth before heading home.
"So what're you up to now?"
"Driving home. I think I've had enough of Tennessee nightlife to last a lifetime." There's so much truth behind my words it gives me the chills.
How can two weeks make someone's entire way of thinking change that drastically?
"How far away from home are you?" he asks, his voice growing lust filled.
"About two
minutes," I answer grinning.
"Panties tonight, Jenny?" he growls.
"Of course, sir." I answer.
"Jesus Christ… I like that. Sir. Say it again," he growls even deeper as I repeat the word slowly.
"Anything you want, sir."
"Damn, baby, that's hot."
"You want me to Skype you when I get inside the apartment?"
"The second you walk through that door," he groans. "I'll be waiting."
"A week's a really long time to go without your cock, Jack." I state in a pout while turning off the car. "I'm heading inside, I'll call you in a few minutes." I hang up cutting his moan short.
It's the truth too. This week's been full of every type of cyber-sex we can have but it's been a very long time that I've gone an entire week without riding a dick.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
IS IT NATURAL FOR MY JUNK TO SMELL LIKE CHEESE?
JACK
It hasn't been that bad being without Jenny. That's a damn lie. The woman knows how to keep a man happy even seven hundred miles away though, but I just want to touch her. It's been three weeks and not a single day's gone by that I haven't seen her naked or heard her moaning my name, but all over a phone or computer screen. Don't ask me how I can trust her either, and I only mean this because she likes to screw around and make me think something that has me on the brink of heart explosion before she clears things up.
Like last week:
"Hey, babe." She yawned into the phone.
"Hi, sweetheart. How was today?"
"I'm tired as hell. Too much vagitus for one day. Had me considering batting for the other team." She chuckled and I waited, and waited for an explanation.
"Inspecting… the vaginal cavity of a female is almost enough to turn you gay?" I'm going to lose my girlfriend to her literal love of her job.
While she's snorting through her laughter I'm trying to figure out how to convince her she's not gay.
"Vagitus is a baby's cry, Jack." She's still snorting. "I had four deliveries today. It was a joke as in I won't get pregnant if I'm gay."
Her jokes are rarely funny. She knew what I'd be thinking.
It doesn't stop at harmless things like that either. For instance on Monday she was telling me about a patient's cock.
"It's huge, Jack!"
"You saw it?"
"Just pictures. He's won awards for this massive thing. I'd hate to be woken up by that. He keeps threatening he's going to show up at my house with it." She laughed.
"Who the fuck is this guy?" I bellowed into the phone not amused he's talking to my girlfriend about his cock, and not understanding why she has a male patient.
"I've delivered all four of his kids. He's the husband of one of my patients."
"Wait… wait. So you have a pregnant patient and her husband is talking about showing you his cock?"
"Well, I've already seen it. Just pictures." She giggled.
"What the fuck, Jenny? This shit isn't funny. Does his wife know?"
"His wife is the one that showed me!"
All my pressure points are throbbing at this point because she's got some swingers in her office trying to lure her in and she's giggling about it.
"You shouldn't be flirting with men and talking about their dicks! Especially not married men with pregnant wives! They're probably swingers, Jenny!" I yelled trying to hold back from exploding at her.
"We didn't talk about his dick, Jack. We talked about his cock. And if they're swingers, that's their business."
"They're trying to make it yours!" I screamed and at this point am pacing.
"We didn't talk about anything sexual whatsoever."
"You saw pictures of his dick!"
"Cock, Lumber-Jack."
"Stop insisting I call it… just stop! Christ, Jenny. I don't… I just don't even know what to do."
"Hey, babe, did I tell you the Dawson's are farmers?"
"What?" I screamed. "I don't give a shit!"
"Yeah, they raise chickens."
"Jenny! I—" I shut the hell up when I realized what she'd done then I listened to her giggling snorts for almost five minutes and I wasn't even mad about it after that.
Why she finds it amusing to screw with me so much will always remain a mystery, but I think I'll be on blood pressure medication much sooner than needed thanks to this woman that every time I hear that snorting laugh I think I fall just a little deeper for her.
***
I can't concentrate today and I really need to get off, but with Jenny, my hand just isn't cutting it. It's only been a few weeks but I'm getting really tired of trying to act like it feels just as good as being inside my girl when I know for a fact nothing will ever top that.
"Jack, did you call Robinson about that mall?"
I haven't. I've barely been keeping up at work because Jenny's constantly on my mind and, like I was about to do, I usually end up texting her and get her to send me some dirty talk and pictures.
"I have to call him back," I lie and stand while setting my phone on my desk. "Open the spread for the week," I mumble while leaving my office and hear Liam bitching, mimicking me like a child. "Able teach you that?"
"Able teach you that?" he mocks and I chuckle with a shake of my head.
***
I leave the man alone for thirty minutes and when I come back he's looking like he just hit the lottery.
"What's up?" I chuckle.
"Nothing." He shrugs and gets up from my chair. "Nothing at all, Lumber-Jack." He's laughing as he exits and my head jerks to my cellphone I left on my desk.
"Shit." I'm afraid to see the damage.
JACK: Is it natural for my junk to smell like cheese?
JENNY: Um… no? Not really. Have you showered?
JACK: What about discharge? Should penises have discharge?
JENNY: Honey are you having some issues? Send me a picture.
JACK: Naw, it's good. I'll just pour bleach on it.
JENNY: Jack! DO NOT POUR BLEACH ON YOUR PENIS!
JACK: Would you lick my butthole?
JENNY: UMMMM. What's going on with you? Are you drunk? Lol
JACK: I think I'd like it if you licked my cornhole
JENNY: I know you like it. Why are you acting so strange?
JACK: Sometimes I'm weird. I'm a kinky motherfucker, ain't I?
JENNY: Jack are you seriously drunk? Aren't you at work?
JACK: Would you be willing to probe my ass while I lifted a paperweight with my balls?
JENNY: Sounds a little painful Lumber Jack, but if that's what you wanted. Are you searching out new sexual ideas without me? Should I send you a picture for some inspiration?
JACK: No. No picture needed. I'm on a website right now with fat hairy guys wearing women's stockings and underwear and I have to say, I'm pretty turned on. I think I'll wear women's underwear tomorrow.
JENNY: Lumber Jack, I love how kinky you can get baby, but… well… what the hell are you talking about? Are you drunk? Just answer me this
JACK: Do I normally act like this when I'm drunk?
JENNY: I don't know. I've never seen you drunk.
JACK: Not drunk. Just thinking about dudes in panties and thigh highs is hot. You don't think it's hot? Want to see a picture of me like this?
JENNY: You know I'm down for anything :D Kinky Lumber Jack makes me laugh and somehow I'm still getting wet.
JACK: When I send you this picture I want you to call me Little Bo Peep.
JENNY: …. Um sure babe. Whose underwear are you going to be wearing?
JACK: I have a drawer full still from my old job
JENNY: Old job?
JACK: From when I used to do the drag shows
JENNY: You were a drag queen?!
JACK: I was called Little Bo. I can wear six inch heals better than you any day sister
And that is where it ended because she tried to call.
"PORTER!" I scream and hear him laughing all the way across the office. "Holy God." My hear
t is racing as I try to call her.
"Jenny Bang," she answers not sounding too pleased to hear from me. "Is this important because I have a patient in stirrups."
"Jenny! That wasn't me. That was Liam. He had my phone. Holy shit, babe, none of that conversation was me."
"This doesn't surprise me. I've always had a suspicion Porter was into lady dudes. Got to go, Lumber-Jack." She kisses into the phone before hanging up.
"Asshole!" I scream out and of course my father rounds the corner wearing a scowl from my profanity being screamed.
"What's going on?"
"How's mom?" I stand hoping to ignore my screamed profanity.
"She's fine. She won't stop talking about your girlfriend, you know. When will Dr. Jenny be gracing us with her presence again?"
"Not sure, dad. She lives in Tennessee."
"Seems like a ridiculous arrangement." He sits and the look on his face tells me to sit too.
With a huff I drop into my chair and prepare for my dad to tell me some bullshit I don't want to hear.
I'm right, but it's nothing too important and I'm back to thinking about Jenny and how the night before she told me I give her the best orgasms she's ever had even when I'm not there.
"Jack? Are you listening to me? This isn't anything to smirk at," my dad snaps.
"Just email me the details." I stand ready to get out of here for the day. "Me and Firefly have a play date with Jos and Able."
***
I snap at least fifteen pictures of the kids with the dog and send them to Jenny but she doesn't reply right away and I'm panicking that she's angry at me for what Liam did. I don't know how she could be mad at me though. I'll kill Liam if she is.
When she finally responds it's a cute and simple "awww, I miss my babies!” Which is fine. I don't need a chapter response but this has me believing she's busy and it's after ten, so I call.
"Hey, babe." Wherever she is it's loud with booming music.
"Where are you, Jenny?"
She didn't tell me she was going out.
"Bachelorette party." And that's probably why. "I was hoping to skip the strip club but they dragged me along." The noise level drops some but I can still hear music and now women cheering.
Bang: Challenge Accepted Page 17
