Permanently Princess

by Marianne Knightly

  So, only eight-hundred-eighty-four weeks.

  Piece of cake.

  Again, she wished she was baking a cake right now, instead of practicing how to announce her pregnancy.

  “Fuck.” She wasn’t sure she could do this.

  She wanted to do this. She wanted to be a good mom, not like the shitty one she’d had. She wanted to be better, show the kid that she loved them, would always love them and that she was always there for them.

  Yet, right now, it didn’t feel real. The baby didn’t feel real, and she wasn’t sure what to do about it. Maybe when she told Nate, then everything would become more real.

  She straightened her shoulders and took another short breath. “Nate—”

  “Yes?”

  “Jesus fucking Christ!” Her hand went to her chest as Nate sauntered into the bathroom.

  His jacket was already gone, and his fingers were loosening his tie. “Sorry, did I startle you?”

  Yes! “No. Um, yeah. Maybe a little.”

  He unwound the tie from around his neck and tossed it in the general direction of their laundry hamper. It was a silk tie, probably worth hundreds, if not more.

  Stop focusing on his stupid tie and tell him!

  “I didn’t mean to startle you.” He leaned down and gave her a quick kiss. “I thought you were calling for me.”

  “I wasn’t.”

  He quirked a brow. He leaned against the counter and his fingers fiddled with one of his cufflinks. “Then what were you doing?”

  “Uh…”

  He dropped one cufflink on the counter with a soft ching and went to work on the other. “Charlie?”

  “Well…”

  His lips were tipped up in amusement. He didn’t know what was coming. How absolutely everything was about to change.

  Her heart started beating faster. “I was practicing.”

  The other cufflink fell with a ching, too, and he moved to unbutton his shirt. “Why do you need to practice saying my name?”

  Her fingers were twisting the edge of her shirt, coiling it around her finger so tight, until the blood rushed to it, then uncoiling it quickly. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

  He’d only gotten halfway down his torso, so his chest hair and some of his tattoos were peeking out but not fully revealed. “Oh?”

  “Maybe you should change first. We’ll sit down and get a drink and…”

  Damn it, she couldn’t drink anymore.

  “Did you eat dinner yet? Probably not. Well, I’ll fix us something. We can eat and just—”

  His voice was so soft and gentle, his eyes now wrinkled with worry. He put a gentle hand on her arm. “Charlie, what is it?”

  “Let’s go in the bedroom at least.”

  “Charlotte.”

  Their life would be completely different after she spoke. ‘They’ and ‘them’ wouldn’t refer to just her and Nate anymore. It would include a third from then on. It already did, sort of, but she would be changing their lives with just a few words.

  Just say it!

  Deep breath. “We’re pregnant.”

  His hands now gripped her fiercely and his eyes got bright. “What?”

  “We’re pregnant.”

  He rose and cupped her face. “Charlotte.” He rubbed her temples with his thumbs, his eyes searching hers. “Charlotte.”

  He kissed her hard and fast, then she was buried in his arms.

  “Charlotte.” He kissed the top of her head gently. “Charlotte-mine. You’re sure?”

  She nodded against his chest, the small smattering of hair rubbing her cheek. Her arms came around him in a vice-like grip.

  It would be okay. She had Nate. He wouldn’t let her mess up.

  She just had to keep reminding herself of that.

  He kissed her head again, then tilted her face back and kissed her lips. He deepened it, and every swirling emotion they had fed into it.

  Nothing existed for them but that moment. There were in their own world, their own un-poppable bubble. It was just the two of them.

  Well, the three of them now.

  His voice, low and husky, rumbled across her skin. “Tell me everything.”

  She rubbed her lips together, loving the taste of him there, and nuzzled his chest. She wanted to hear his heart beating as she told him.

  “My period was late, so I took a home test. Actually, I took five of them.”

  She knew he was smiling without seeing his face, because it was just the kind of thing that would amuse him. “Five?”

  “I wanted to be sure.”

  He was trailing his fingertips down her spine, which sent bursts of warmth through her body. “And are you?”

  “I wasn’t then. Four came out positive but one came out negative. So, I asked Rebecca for her doctor’s name and saw her today. She confirmed it with a blood test.”

  “So, Rebecca knows?”

  Should she mention Grace? She decided not to right then. “Yes, but she said she wouldn’t tell Alex unless she had to.”

  He was now rocking her gently, too. How had she lived so long before him, before this?

  “How far along are you?”

  “Six weeks or so.”

  His voice was a murmur. “Six weeks…”

  She knew he was doing just what she’d done earlier, trying to pinpoint the night, even the exact moment they’d conceived.

  “I bet it was after that formal dinner we had for those visiting dignitaries.” He was still murmuring, his hand gently roaming her back in a circle. “You were in that sexy dress I couldn’t wait to peel off your body.”

  She’d thought it might be that night, too. “That dress wasn’t special. It was just a black and purple dress.”

  His chest moved against her cheek as he chuckled. “My Charlie. So oblivious. It was sexy, trust me.”

  “It was long and covered me up except it was sleeveless.”

  “It was clingy.”

  “Nate.”

  “Very clingy.”

  She was blushing. She never blushed. “Nate.”

  “In all the right places. Not to mention.” His fingers traced her spine from her neck to the small of her back. “It was backless, to right about here. I could see all of your creamy skin on display, and I was tortured by the thought of you braless all night.”

  He leaned down, his lips going to her ear. “Little did I know that you weren’t wearing panties either.”

  Her body clenched at that. Jesus, she was getting turned on. He could do that to her. It had only ever been him that could do that to her. “The stylist said that if I wore underwear, it would mess with the lines of the dress or something like that. I didn’t want to mess up, so I didn’t wear any.”

  “Remind me to give that woman a raise.”

  “Nate.”

  He chuckled again. She liked feeling that, even hearing it rumble in his chest.

  His hand stopped to rest in the middle of her back, his head shifting in a way so that she was forced to look up at him. His eyes were intense and serious on hers. “Are you happy about the baby, Charlotte?”

  She couldn’t lie, never wanted to lie to him. “I’m scared shitless.”

  His hand shifted up to squeeze her nape.

  “And I’m worried I’m going to screw this up, screw the kid up, screw up every damn thing.”

  Another squeeze.

  Her voice was barely a whisper, so low that she wasn’t sure he heard her. “Are you happy?”

  Another squeeze, this one longer but oh-so-gentle. His eyes were so bright, so filled with love, she was blasted by the warmth of it. “Very happy, Charlotte-mine. You make me happy. Now you’ve made me happier, accomplishing a feat I didn’t think possible.”

  Her breath caught.

  His hands shifted into her hair, cupped her head. “You’re scared. I am, too. This will change everything, but we’ll be going through those changes together.”

  She hadn’t thought of it like that before. Practica
lly, she knew this would change things for him, too, but emotionally, she’d kept thinking she’d be doing a lot of this alone.

  She took a deep breath. “I’m happy, too.”

  A smile, bright and blinding, spread over his face. “Good.”

  They stood there, staring into each other’s eyes for a while. His hand kept hold of her head, but his thumb drew steady circles near her ear. It was usually hard to stare at someone for so long, to lock eyes with them and see their soul reflected there. Before Nate, she’d never really done that unless she was staring someone down in an angry way.

  Nearly everything in her life changed when Nate came into it.

  Now, it was all going to change again.

  It was Nate who finally broke their bubble. “Why didn’t you tell me what you suspected? I would have gone with you to the doctor’s.”

  She pursed her lips and shifted her eyes away.

  He shifted her face right back to his.

  She’d been expecting him to ask the question, but she still didn’t have a good response to it. “I…I wasn’t trying to exclude you. Well, I guess I was, but I just didn’t want to tell you until I knew for sure.”

  “But Rebecca knew?”

  Time to come clean. “And Grace.”

  Something sad shifted into his eyes. “I see.”

  He’d been so happy a few moments earlier. She didn’t like to see him sad. “Nate.”

  The sad was shifting, his eyes now flashing with something sharper. “Am I so awful?”

  “No!” She clenched her hand against her stomach. He couldn’t think that, not now or ever. “No. It’s just…”

  His voice was clipped, the anger and frustration hammering each word into her soul. “Just what?”

  Her fingers fisted tighter, her shirt twisting with it. “I needed—”

  “Not me. I get it. No, actually I don’t. I would have loved to have shared this moment with you. I love you.”

  Her heart thumped wildly, the panic building. Don’t be angry with me. Don’t be angry, please. “I love you, too,” she murmured.

  “You have a terrible way of showing it sometimes.”

  Terrible.

  Terrible.

  Terrible.

  She couldn’t do anything right. How could she ever be a good mother if she couldn’t even tell Nate she was pregnant correctly.

  She’d be a terrible mother, just like she was a terrible…whatever…to Nate.

  Would he now realize what a mistake he’d made with her? What a mistake it would be for her to mother his kid?

  “Charlie.”

  What would she do without him? How could she raise this kid alone? She’d screw them up!

  “Charlotte!”

  Everything around her was turning hazy. She barely heard Nate calling her name, barely felt his hands on her arms giving her a gentle shake.

  He was done with her now, wasn’t he?

  Oh God.

  Oh God.

  “Oh God.”

  “Breathe! For fuck’s sake, take a breath. You’re panicking.”

  She looked around, almost absently. It was as though she were viewing the scene from outside herself.

  She saw herself rasping, trying to take in air that wouldn’t enter her body.

  She saw Nate, his face full of fire and worry.

  Worry for her or the kid?

  The kid!

  She couldn’t let anything happen to them. She had to stop panicking.

  She stuttered some breath in, then some more.

  “That’s it. That’s good. Slowly, Charlotte-mine.”

  Long, rasping breaths, followed by long, slow ones.

  His hands were rubbing down her arms, a soft and gentle warmth that finally permeated her now-panic-less brain.

  She still couldn’t look him in the eye and focused instead on his bare spot of chest. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  His voice sounded tortured and he pulled her close, her nose getting buried in that perfect space between his pecs, his chest hair tickling her nose. “I’m sorry. God. Charlotte. I’m so sorry. I’m an ass. I shouldn’t have pushed, I should have—”

  She shook her head. “No. I should have told you. I was just so…”

  He didn’t ask, just ran a hand over her head and hair.

  “Scared. I was scared.”

  “What scares you the most?”

  “Everything.”

  “Charlotte.”

  She pushed back and turned away from him. The sweet bastard then wrapped his arms around her from behind.

  “Talk to me, Charlotte. Why are you scared?”

  “Are you scared?”

  His chin was propped on her shoulder, and he shook it. “There are a great deal of things to be scared of, as I mentioned, but I’m not scared of becoming a father.”

  “You’ll be amazing.”

  He kissed her behind the ear, then settled back on her shoulder. “You’ll be amazing, too.”

  She immediately shook her head. “But I won’t. I’ll be totally shitty. And you’ll realize that I was a mistake and we were a mistake, and—”

  She was whirled around and met his furious face. “What fucking nonsense are you spouting?”

  She fisted her hands in his shirt and pounded them gently. “Don’t you see? I don’t know what a good mother is. Or does. You know where I come from. I’m nobody. I’m not anything. How could I ever be a good mother? I never had one.”

  “Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte-mine. You’re wrong. So wrong.”

  “I’m not.”

  “You are. Stop and think for a minute. You know, by your own words, what a shitty mother is and does. You already know what not to do. That means you do know what to do to be a good mother.”

  Something in there made sense, but she wasn’t ready to hear it. “You’re wrong.”

  Nate continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “Not only that, you’ll have my support. And my mother’s. And Rebecca’s and her parents. And Grace’s. And all of my crazy family’s. You’ll have Lily and little Liliana to help you. You’ll have Arianna and little Eloisa to help you, too.”

  A family. She’d have family to help her. They were Nate’s family—and hers, sort of—but she wouldn’t be alone. She’d known that but it was hard to accept they’d be there for her.

  Tears trickled down her cheeks. She wasn’t sure if they were happy tears or ‘I’m going to be a shitty mother’ tears, but they felt more like the first than the last.

  Nate kissed the wet on her cheeks, then kissed her brows and eyelids when she blinked them closed. “You won’t be alone, not now, not ever. You’ll never be alone again, Charlotte-mine.”

  She wound her arms tight, so tight, around him. “Promise?”

  “Promise.”

  Maybe she could be a good mother. Nate believed in her. Maybe she should start believing in herself.

  “When should we tell the rest of the family?”

  She stiffened in his arms, and he began to rub her back again.

  “We can wait if you’d like. I just assumed since Rebecca and Grace knew, you wouldn’t mind us telling the others.”

  Oh, man. Now she had to tell him. “It’s not that. It’s, well…”

  He didn’t push, just kept rubbing in an easy, steady pace.

  “Rebecca was with me at the doctor’s because…because she had a positive pregnancy test, too. So did Grace, but she saw the doctor earlier in the day, before Rebecca and my’s appointment.”

  His mouth fell open in mute shock, and his hands halted on her back. She’d never seen him make that expression before.

  Then again, what were the odds three of them might be pregnant at the same time?

  “We aren’t all pregnant, though.”

  He made a choking sound, then cleared his throat. “Who?”

  “Apparently, Grace’s test had a false positive. She messaged me a little while ago. Rebecca…Rebecca was pregnant, but she’s miscarried.”

  “Oh, de
ar God.”

  Her hand and eyes went to her womb. It still hadn’t hit her yet that she was pregnant, but she knew she’d be devastated if she miscarried.

  His hand covered hers. “You’re all right? The baby’s all right?”

  She nodded, still looking down and really liking the way his hand looked, linked with hers over her body. “I called Alex and told him to get there as fast as he could. I only left after he arrived. Apparently, they need to stay at the hospital for several hours while the doctor does whatever she needs to do with Rebecca.”

  “They’ve been trying a while.”

  “He told you?”

  “He didn’t have to. He’s heir to the throne, and he knows there must be another after him. The whole country knows it, is waiting for it. That pressure can’t be easy for either of them.”

  “Grace and Marcello have been trying, too, for over a year she told us.”

  His hand clenched against hers. “Christ. I feel guilty even while I’m really fucking happy.”

  Her eyes tipped up. “Really fucking happy?”

  He answered her with a long, sweet kiss.

  She sighed when she pulled back and laid her cheek against his chest.

  He rested his cheek against her head. “I feel like celebrating, making plans. I must have a hundred thoughts in my head right now.”

  “Can we keep it low-key? I’m just still…settling into the idea. I can’t get my head around it yet. I’m happy about the kid, but I’m also terrified and nervous, and I’d really like to just stay here in your arms for a while before we tell everyone.”

  He chuckled. “Yes. I have a feeling my family’s enthusiasm might wear on you so early in the pregnancy.”

  She didn’t doubt that. His family was very loving, but also very nosy and wouldn’t leave her alone once they knew. For someone who’d grown up pretty much alone, she was still getting used to a family like his, even after over a year together. “I also want to give Rebecca and Grace some time. I know they’ll be happy for us, but, you know.”

  He kissed the crown of her head. “I know, Charlotte-mine. Do you know when Alex and Rebecca might get back from the hospital? I should stop by. I don’t know if they’ll want the whole family knowing.”

  “No, I’m not sure.”

  “I’ll try him later.”

  Another thought she’d been avoiding entered her head. “We’ll have to tell the family about—”