Blood is Pretty

by Steven Paul Leiva

  “I assume you have no objections to cunnilingus?”

  For the first time her control slipped. “You want him to eat me!?”

  “You and a little additive I’ve brought. ” I produced a small silver metal tube. It had no label.

  “What’s that?”

  “Something known as Formula 12-72. ”

  “And you want me to put that on my —”

  “Person. Yes, you have the idea. ”

  “And he… ?”

  “Eats it. ”

  “And then he… ?”

  “You’ll see. ”

  “I don’t know. ” She was beginning to feel the fear of the enterprise.

  “Miss Eisley, I told you, I am not a hit man. ”

  “Well, whatever it’s going to do to him, won’t it do something to me? Won’t it get in my system?”

  “It only works in tandem with a minimum level of testosterone. Otherwise it is completely harmless. ”

  “Don’t women have some testosterone?”

  “Miss Eisley, unless there is something you should confess to me now, you don’t have enough. ”

  “But—but won’t he smell it? Won’t he taste it?”

  “It’s been flavored. Chocolate. ”

  “Chocolate? But—but what if he doesn’t like chocolate?”

  “Miss Eisley, have you ever in you life met someone who doesn’t like chocolate? And anyway, even if it’s not his favorite flavor, I’m pretty sure he’ll like the container. ”

  “This is very—very strange. ”

  “I could go. He’s falling in love out there. I’m sure you two will be perfectly happy. ”

  “No, give me that. ” She grabbed the tube. “How much do I put on?”

  “All of it. ”

  All of it!?”

  “Apply liberally. ”

  “I have the drinks ready, Anne,” Crane’s mushy voice announced from the living room.

  “Uh—all right! I’ll be out in just a moment. ”

  She went into the adjoining bathroom, and then soon came out. She was wearing a sheer plum colored chiffon gown with matching robe. She wore it proudly. “It was warm,” she said, referring to the formula.

  “I was sitting on it. ”

  “Oh. I suppose you will be in here listening the whole time. ”

  “I never leave until a job is completed. But don’t worry about me. There’s plenty here to read if I get bored. ”

  “What happens if he wants to do more than —?”

  “He’s not going to want to. Trust me. ”

  “Trust you? You’re a man without a name who’s going to have a two per cent slice of my butt for the rest of my life. ”

  “That’s why you should trust me. ”

  She looked at me with her deep aquamarine eyes. They questioned. Mine must have answered well for she ended the look with a smile and said, “Okay. ” She headed for the door.

  “You look beautiful by the way. ” I said.

  She turned to me, her unsupported breasts whispering through the chiffon; her nipples: dark accents that thrilled. “Yeah. Thanks. ” She opened the door and left to rejoin Crane.

  “Oh my god!” I could hear Crane exclaim.

  “Anything wrong?”

  “Nothing. You’re just so beautiful. ”

  “Yeah. So I’ve been told. ”

  “Here’s your drink. ”

  “Thanks. Oh. Very strong, Fred. ”

  “Well, we’re both adults. ”

  “Yes, we are. Should we go relax on the couch?”

  “Yes, that would be fine. ”

  “A little music? What would you like? The theme from ‘Jaws’?”

  “What?”

  “Just a little joke. ”

  “Oh. I’m going to get John Williams for this film, you know. ”

  “Oh, that would be lovely. ”

  Then, softly, I could hear Billie Holiday making a plaintive musical statement:

  It costs me a lot

  But there’s one thing that I’ve got

  It’s my man

  It’s my man.

  He’s not much on looks

  He’s no hero out of books…

  Miss Eisley’s devil irony? It pleased me to think so.

  Not knowing if Crane was the kind of producer who liked to cut to the chase, I picked up the Time and began reading a detailed analysis of the current interest raising actions of the Federal Reserve Board. It helped my mind mask the sounds from the living room, although Crane’s declaration of: “Chocolate! My favorite!” did sneak through.

  Soon after Miss Eisley returned to the bedroom, somewhat agitated.

  “He—he’s fainted. ”

  “Well, that’s not exactly the clinical term for it, but if I know my Formula 12-72, he has lost consciousness. ”

  “He just suddenly looked up from down there with a shocked expression. ”

  “That’s because his erection suddenly de-erected. I’ve been told it’s like having a chair pulled out from under you. ”

  “Then he complained of fever and dizziness. ”

  “Perfectly natural—so to speak. ”

  “Then he just—collapsed right there into my —”

  “Was that the Decca recording?”

  “What?”

  “Of Billie Holiday?”

  “I don’t know. It was a gift. Are you going to explain this formula to me or not?”

  “Don’t you think we should go make Crane comfortable first?”

  “Oh, I laid him out on the floor. He’s comfortable. ”

  “Nonetheless, let me take a look at him. ”

  I did more than that, of course. I had a small medical bag with me containing the instruments needed to take Crane’s temperature, check his heart rate, and take and analyze a blood sample. All of this told me that Crane was reacting normally to Formula 12-72 and would indeed suffer its effects.

  “Here’s what you do in the morning —”

  “In the morning? Aren’t you going to get him out of here?”

  “No. He has to wake up here in the morning. ”

  “Why?”

  “Do you think we’ve gone through all of this just to slip him a rather pleasant Mickey to keep him from consummating his desires? How would that help you? He would just assume he had food poisoning and be back at you in days. You yourself pegged it. It isn’t just sex he wants. He wants your life to aid his plan to ‘take over this fucking town. ’ One bum night would not stop him. ”

  “So Formula 12-72… ?”

  “Let’s make a pot of coffee. Then I’ll explain everything. ”

  *

  As the coffee was dripping, Miss Eisley changed into something more comfortable. Flannel pajamas with a simple pattern of small blue flowers and a colorful ankle-length flannel robe. She also washed and scrubbed her face. Nonetheless, when she came back to the kitchen where I had been waiting, her beauty had not altered and her entrance was grand. This woman would become a star.

  “How do you take your coffee?” She asked.

  “Black. ”

  She gave an approving look. “Good boy. ” From anyone else it would have seemed condescending.

  She brought two mugs of coffee to the kitchen table and sat. It was hot, truly black, and deeply appreciated. “Excellent. French Roast?” I asked.

  “Yes. I get it at a little place in the Valley on Ventura, Coffee, Etc. They roast their own, of course. ”

  “Part of a chain?”

  “Please!” She mocked umbrage, and then took a sip. “Should we now discuss the weather? Local politics? Any operations we’ve had?”

  I smiled and quickly wondered if there was any way to make my life more “normal. ” I just as quickly doubted it. “Formula 12-72?”

  “Formula 12-72. ”

  “A simple compound actually. But it causes a very complex reaction. It was created to combat South American Communist rebel leaders. It was assumed by certain Powers-That-Were that, bei
ng Latino, these rebel leaders put an inordinate value on their manhood. And that if you could take away their manhood you would so demoralize them they would become ineffective leaders and their “Movements” would fall apart.

  “Did it work?”

  “Well, it was only used once. The formula worked to expectations; the rebel leader was sufficiently demoralized. But nature, as you know, hates a vacuum, and he was simply replaced by another who was actually a far more brilliant military tactician, and who is now the democratically elected leader of his country. ”

  “And the guy who got 12-72?”

  “He’s now their Minister of Culture. You know, ballet, opera, that sort of stuff. ”

  She gave me an incredulous look.

  “Actually he’s now an activist trying to save the rain forests. ”

  “And his manhood?”

  “Someone steered him to a doctor who could help. ”

  “You?”

  I simply smiled.

  “What’s going to happen to Crane?”

  “He’s going to wake up in the morning feeling absolutely awful. He’ll have a moderate to high fever, no appetite, and dizziness. You will be an angel of mercy and nurse him throughout the morning. Insist on it. Show great concern. Eventually, not getting better, you will drive him to his doctor. The doctor will be baffled. He will hospitalize Crane, where he will stay for six weeks. During this time he will have no desire to even think about work, leaving everything up to his line producer. You will start work on the film and turn in—I’m sure—a wonderful performance. It will make you a star. After six weeks the mysterious disease will abate, but linger. And Crane will notice another aspect of the disease. He will still feel sexual passion. In fact, he will feel a heightened sexual passion, true horniness like he hasn’t felt since he was an adolescent boy sneaking peaks at Playboy at the local liquor store. But it will be absolutely impossible for him to achieve an erection. This will, of course, distract him further. He will pay very little attention to the film, or to you. He will just about be ready to agree to an implant to prop up his precious member, when his doctor—who, by this time should have published a paper on the mysterious decease now named after him—will be contacted by a doctor in Brazil who will claim knowledge of the disease and offer a therapy that should cure it. Crane will jump at the opportunity and will spend the next three years in Brazil going through a rigorous regime of diet, exercise, meditation, and injections of what he will think is a miracle drug. ”

  “But will actually be?”

  “The Antidote. Given out in extremely small doses over an extended period of time. But, eventually Crane will experience a complete cure. By that time he will have probably fallen madly in love with a Brazilian beauty and gotten himself involved in the local television industry. Or he’ll come home. But you know this town. Three years out of the loop, and he will have to start all over again. In either case he will be in no position to threaten you. ”

  “Amazing, absolutely amazing. Should we be at all concerned about the morality of what we have done?”

  “I don’t think so. What Crane was doing to you was a form of rape. What I have helped you do to him was self-defense—and a kindness. In the next three years he will have the opportunity to reassess his actions. He might come out of it a more humane person, less prone to using people. And then again, he might not. But that is not our concern. ”

  She thought about this as she sipped coffee. Both concept and coffee seemed to go down smoothly. “What is the significance of 12-72?”

  I smiled. It was interesting that she assumed it had a significance and wasn’t just a notation of rank. “Stands for December, 1972. ”

  “When the formula was created?”

  “Nope. When man last went to the moon. ”

  “So it means… ?”

  “Yeah. No more shooting the moon. ”

  *

  It was very late when I got up to leave. It was fascinating, the things we found to talk about. I had left my coat in her bedroom, and while we were there to get it she made an offer.

  “You don’t have to leave, if you don’t want to. ”

  “I think it would be best, Miss Eisley. ”

  “And you don’t have to call me that anymore. It was just a little joke anyway. ”

  “I’m sorry to hear that? I enjoyed taking it seriously. ”

  She smiled. “You are strange in more ways. ”

  “There are those who believe the world is going to hell in a hand basket, to use a hoary old cliché. ”

  “Cliché or not, I’m not sure I don’t agree. ”

  “Well, if true, do you know when it started?”

  “Tell me. ”

  “The day parents stop demanding that their children call adults by Mr. , Miss, and Mrs. It was the death of respect. Courtesy took on a rather pallid complexion at that time as well. ”

  “Well then, with the deepest respect, Mr. Fixxer, please don’t leave. ”

  “Not meaning to be discourteous, I really should. ”

  “Really?” There was a satisfying amount of disappointment in her voice.

  “Really. ”

  “Well, you know, the thing is—Crane really wasn’t that bad, and—and he only just got started when —”

  “I understand. But the other thing is—your field is still mined. ”

  “Oh, yeah. How long?”

  “Twenty-four to forty-eight hours. Don’t shower, take baths for the next two days. ”

  “Will you come back in two days?”

  “Why? The job is over. ”

  “Maybe just because you’re the typical tall, dark and handsome type. ”

  “That’s not my fault. It’s genetics. My mother was a very tall and handsome woman. Actually, I always wanted to be short and dumpy. ”

  “Why?”

  “Because if you are short and dumpy people underestimate you. That would have been quite an asset in my business. ”

  “Well, for my immediate purposes, I’m happy you’re tall, dark and handsome, Mr. Fixxer. ”

  She put her arms around my neck and kissed me. I knew I couldn’t let it go on forever. But there was also no reason to cut it off short. We parted in a mist that had to be dispelled.

  “But, hey, you know, some day give a short dumpy guy a try,” I said.

  “Not unless he has lots of power. ”

  “Far more than Crane?”

  “Far more. ”

  “That’s pretty hard of you. ”

  “It’s not my fault. It’s genetics. ”

  It had been a good day. I had earned an easy $250,000 in the morning, and untold riches in the evening. I was looking forward to a long sleep, a lazy day, and a nice quiet evening in which to savor these facts.

  Chapter 6

  Until it Congeals

  People try to understand dreams. I think it’s a mistake. If you have a bad one, just shudder and forget it. If you have a pleasant one, enjoy and be grateful for the complexity of your neural pathways. I was having a particularly pleasant dream. Its focus—a very sharp, tactile focus—was Anne Eisley. Grace Kelly was in it as well. She was, I gather, passing the torch to Anne who was accepting it with—quite naturally—grace. I, I believe, was positioned to be her prince consort and I was quite happy about that. Anne was just giving me the most wonderful smile and a most meaningful look when Roee’s voice rudely intruded.

  “Wake up, Norton’s on The Phone. He’s got Paul Hinckley on the line, and he’s very angry. ”

  Disappointed as I was, I did not linger in sleep or the dream. Training tells. I swung out of bed. “What time is it?”

  “Just after ten. Figured you would want to sleep in. ”

  I went to The Phone and picked it up. “Norton, explain. ”

  “I can’t even begin to. Hinckley’s on, he’s raving. Won’t explain things to me. You better talk to him. ”

  “Hold him one second. ” I turned to Roee. “Do you have fresh coffee on?”

/>   “Naturally, I’ll get you a cup. ”

  “Okay, Norton, patch him through. ”

  Paul Hinckley’s voice came though like a raging river.

  “What the fuck did you do!? What the fuck did you do!?”

  “Calm down. What’s the problem?”

  “What’s the problem? What’s the problem? What the fuck did you do? What the fuck! God damn it to hell, I asked you to fix the goddamn thing, but I got a call from the fucking police at four o’clock this morning, at four o’clock, Fixxer! In the morning! From the fucking police, Fixxer! Of course, I couldn’t get a hold of you, cause you can’t get a hold of you until business hours. Now why the fuck did you off Finch? You better have a good explanation for this because I think you’ve gotten me into a hell of a lot of trou —”

  “Shut up you talent-less toad!”

  “What!? What did you say?”

  “I called you an amphibian absent of anything but ambition. But don’t take it personally. Now tell me the problem. ”

  “Finch is dead. ”

  It was information. Shaded by Hinckley’s delivery. “Interesting. ”

  “‘Interesting’? They found him in his apartment sliced and diced like a goddamn carrot with a Ginsu knife! There’s blood all over the place!”

  “Why did they call you?”

  “Because—because my name—there’s correspondence—there’s things, and—and, you know, I’m a famous name. What the hell did you kill him for?”

  “I did not kill him,” I said, achieving, I believe, the proper chill in my voice. “If I had, there would not have been even a drop of blood. ”

  “Oh. ”

  “What are you worried about? You’re up at the ranch, aren’t you?”

  “No—no, I decided not to go. Too tired to drive up there. ”

  “So you were in town when the murder happened. ”

  “Yeah. ”

  “And they’ve made a connection between you and Finch. ”

  “Yeah. ”

  “Where are you now?”

  “Home. But the police have been here. Questioning me. ”

  “But they haven’t arrested you?”

  “No. Not yet. ”

  “If you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about. ”

  “Yeah? Tell me another fairy tale, Mother Goose. ”

  “Your real problem is facts about V coming out. ”

  “Yeah! Yeah!”