Mindbend

by Robin Cook

  • • •

  “You’re what!” shouted Jason Conrad, the head of the Jason Conrad Dancers. He threw up his hands in exaggerated despair.

  For the four years that Jennifer had known him, Jason had always tended toward histrionics, whether he was ordering lunch or directing the dancers. Consequently, she had anticipated such a reaction.

  “Now, let me get this straight,” he moaned. “You’re telling me that you’re going to have a child. Is that right? No, tell me I’m wrong. Tell me that this is just a bad dream. Please!”

  Jason looked at Jennifer with a pleading expression. He was a tall man—six feet three—who looked boyish despite his thirty-three years. Whether he was gay or not, Jennifer had no idea. Neither did any of the other dancers. Dance was Jason’s life, and he was a genius at it.

  “I’m going to have a baby,” confirmed Jennifer.

  “Oh, my God!” cried Jason, letting his head sink into his hands.

  Jennifer exchanged glances with Candy, who had hung around for moral support.

  “This is not happening to me,” wailed Jason. “At the moment of our big break, one of the lead dancers gets herself pregnant. Oh, my God!”

  Jason stopped pacing. Holding up his index finger, he looked at Jennifer. “What about an abortion? Surely this isn’t a planned child.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Jennifer.

  “But you can always have another child,” protested Jason.

  Jennifer just shook her head.

  “You won’t listen to reason?” wailed Jason. He pressed a hand dramatically against his chest and began to take deep breaths as if he were experiencing severe chest pain. “You prefer to torture me like this, straining my heart. Oh God, the pain is awful.”

  Jennifer felt guilty about getting pregnant just when the troupe was receiving its big break. She hated to let anyone down. But Jason’s response was a selfish one, and she resented his trying to manipulate her this way into something as serious as an abortion.

  Candy took Jason’s arm. “I hope you’re kidding about this chest pain.”

  Jason opened one eye. “Me kidding? I never kid about something like this. This woman’s driving me to an early grave and you ask if I’m kidding?”

  “I can probably dance for another month or so,” offered Jennifer.

  “Oh, no, no, no!” said Jason, instantly forgetting his chest pain. He began pacing back and forth in front of the old ticket booth. “If you, Jennifer, are insensitive enough to abandon us at this juncture, we have to make an adjustment immediately.” He stopped and pointed to Candy. “What about you? Could you dance Jennifer’s part?”

  Candy was caught off guard. “I don’t know,” she stammered.

  Jason watched Jennifer out of the corner of his eye. He knew that Jennifer and Candy were friends. He thought that jealousy might accomplish what reason couldn’t. He needed Jennifer at least until the TV show was taped, but Jennifer did not respond. She remained silent as Candy finally replied, “I guess I’m in good shape. I’ll certainly try and give it my best.”

  “Hooray,” said Jason. “It’s good to hear that someone around here is willing to make some sacrifices.” Then to Jennifer he said, “Maybe you should head into the office and have Cheryl take you off the payroll. We aren’t a welfare organization.”

  Candy spoke up. “She should get her base salary for another two weeks. That’s only fair.”

  Jason waved his hand as if he didn’t care. He started back for the gym floor.

  “Also,” called Candy after him, “I think it would be easier for our accounting if we put her on maternity leave.”

  “Whatever,” said Jason with little interest. He opened the door into the gym. They could hear the other dancers going through their routines. “Let’s get to work, Candy,” he called over his shoulder as he disappeared through the door.

  The two women looked at each other. Both felt a little awkward. Candy shrugged. “I never guessed that he’d offer me a dance position.”

  “I’m happy for you,” said Jennifer. “Really.”

  Together, they returned to the gym.

  Jason’s high-pitched voice reverberated around the large room. “OK, let’s take dance variation number two from the top. Positions!” He clapped his hands and the echo sounded like the report of a gun. “Come on, Candy,” he yelled.

  For a few minutes Jennifer watched the rehearsal. Then, trying to shake off her feelings of regret, she headed down the hall to Cheryl’s office.

  Cheryl was leaning back, reading a paperback romance novel.

  “You’re supposed to put me on maternity leave,” said Jennifer with resignation.

  “I’m sorry,” said Cheryl. “Did Jason throw a fit?” She put her book down. Jennifer could see the title: The Flames of Passion.

  “One of his best,” admitted Jennifer. “But I suppose it’s understandable. This is a bad time for me to take a leave.” She sank into the chair in front of the desk. “Jason agreed to let me draw base pay for another two weeks. Of course, I still get my percentages from past performances.”

  “What are you going to do?” asked Cheryl.

  “I don’t know,” said Jennifer. “Maybe I can get a temporary job. Do you have any ideas? How did you find this position?”

  “I went to an agency,” said Cheryl. “But if you’re looking for part-time work, try one of the temporary secretarial services. They always need people.”

  “I couldn’t type to save my life,” said Jennifer.

  “Then try one of the big department stores. A lot of my girlfriends have done that.”

  Jennifer smiled. That sounded promising.

  “Are you still going to come with me tomorrow?” asked Cheryl.

  “Absolutely,” said Jennifer. “I wouldn’t think of letting you go by yourself. Were you alone when you had the amniocentesis?”

  “Yup,” said Cheryl proudly. “It was a breeze. Hardly hurt at all.”

  “Sounds like you have more courage than I,” said Jennifer. Jennifer thought again about her mongoloid brother and wondered if she should ask to have the test.

  Cheryl leaned forward, lowering her voice. “Like Candy said, I used to do a lot of drugs. Pot, acid, you name it. Dr. Foley said that I should have the test to check the chromosomes. But he made it easy. If you have to have it, don’t worry. I was really nervous, but I’d do it again in a flash.” She sat back, pleased with herself.

  Jennifer stared at Cheryl, remembering Dr. Vandermer and his chauvinistic attitude. “And this Dr. Foley, you like him?”

  Cheryl nodded her head. “Dr. Foley is the nicest doctor I’ve ever met. If it hadn’t been for him, I wouldn’t have done anything. And his nurses are nice, too. In fact, the whole Julian Clinic is just great. I’m sure Candy would call and make an appointment for you if you’d like.”

  Jennifer smiled. “Thanks, but my husband sent me to someone at the medical center. Now, to get back to business. What do I have to do to put myself on maternity leave?”

  Cheryl wrinkled her nose. “I don’t know, to tell you the truth. I’ll have to ask Candy.”

  After making plans to meet Cheryl the following morning, Jennifer got her coat and bag and went out into the street. Walking to the subway, she struggled against an almost overwhelming depression. She had always expected pregnancy to be a wonderful experience, but now that she was bearing a child, instead of feeling happy, she was confused and angry. And worst of all she knew that she wasn’t going to be able to share such feelings with anyone because she was certain no one would understand.

  Biting her lower lip, Jennifer decided to try Macy’s first.

  • • •

  It was nearly six o’clock when Jennifer trudged up the stairs to their apartment. When she opened the door, she was surprised to find Adam on the couch. He usually wasn’t home this early. Then she realized he must have taken the rest of the day off after seeing his father.

  “How did the meeting go?” she asked, making an ef
fort to be pleasant. “Was your father helpful?”

  “He was a delight,” snapped Adam. “He gave me a valuable lecture about responsibility and consistency.”

  Jennifer hung up her coat and went over and sat next to Adam. His eyes were red with dark circles. “Was it that bad?”

  “Worse,” said Adam. “Now he believes I’m the cause of my mother’s depression.”

  “But her depression started with your brother’s death.”

  “He seems to have forgotten that.”

  “What did he say when you told him that we are going to have a child?”

  “I didn’t,” said Adam. “I never had a chance. He made it very clear that I was on my own before I could even broach the subject.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Jennifer.

  Jennifer examined Adam’s face. She didn’t like what she saw. He seemed distant and cold. She wanted to ask him about Dr. Lawrence Foley but decided to put it off. “I think I’ll take a shower,” she said with a sigh as she stood up and walked into the bedroom.

  At first, Adam sat and brooded. Gradually, he realized that he was acting like an adolescent. Getting up, he went into the bedroom and stripped off his clothes. Then he opened the door to the bathroom. “Leave the water on,” he shouted over the sound of the shower. While he was brushing his teeth, Jennifer got out of the shower and, without looking at him, took her towel and went into the bedroom. Although she left the water going as he requested, it was obvious that she was irritated.

  Adam had always found it difficult to apologize. Maybe they should do something crazy, like go out to dinner. Stepping into the shower, he decided to take Jennifer to a restaurant called One by Land, Two by Sea. It was close enough so they could walk. They’d never eaten there, but one of Adam’s classmates had gone with his parents and had said it was fantastic and expensive. What the hell, thought Adam. He was going to have a real job soon and they needed to celebrate.

  “Got a great idea,” said Adam when he came into the bedroom. “How about going out for dinner?”

  Jennifer looked away from the TV and gloomily shook her head.

  “What do you mean, no?” said Adam. “Come on. We need to get out. It will be a real treat.”

  “We can’t afford it,” said Jennifer. She returned to the TV as if the matter were closed.

  Adam towel-dried his hair while he considered this unexpected negative response. Jennifer was usually ready to try most anything. He sat down next to her and turned her head from the screen. “Hello,” he said. “I’m trying to talk with you.”

  Jennifer raised her face, and he noticed that she looked as exhausted as he did.

  “I hear you,” she said. “I bought groceries. As soon as the news is over, I’ll make dinner.”

  “Tonight I want something different than Hamburger Helper,” said Adam.

  “I didn’t get Hamburger Helper,” said Jennifer irritably.

  “I meant that as a figure of speech,” said Adam. “Come on. Let’s go out for dinner. I think we need a break. I went to see the dean this afternoon and made sure we can’t borrow any more money. So I told him I’m taking a leave of absence.”

  “You don’t have to leave school,” said Jennifer. “I already got another job.”

  “What kind of job?” asked Adam.

  “At Macy’s. In the shoe section. The only problem is that I will have to work alternate weekends, but hopefully we can coordinate that with your on-call schedule. Surprisingly, I’ll be making the same salary as I did dancing. Anyway, you don’t have to drop out of school.”

  Adam stood up from the bed. “You’re not working at Macy’s and that’s final.”

  “Oh,” said Jennifer, widening her eyes in mock surprise. “Has the king spoken?”

  “Jennifer, this is hardly the time for sarcasm.”

  “Isn’t it?” said Jennifer. “Seems to me you were being sarcastic just a few moments ago. It’s OK for you but not for me?”

  “I’m in no mood for an argument,” said Adam, as he went to the bureau for clean underwear. “You are not going to work at Macy’s. I don’t want you standing for long hours while you’re pregnant. Subject’s closed.”

  “You are forgetting that this is my body,” said Jennifer.

  “That’s true,” said Adam. “But it is also true that it is our child.”

  Jennifer felt the blood rise into her face.

  “In any case, I’ve made up my mind,” said Adam. “I’m taking a leave of absence so that I can work for a year or two. Your job will be to take care of yourself and the baby, and that doesn’t mean standing around in a department store.” Hoping to end the dialogue, Adam stepped into the living room. Because of the small size of the bedroom closet, his clothes were in the hall closet.

  “Why can’t you stay here and discuss this?” Jennifer called out.

  Adam came back into the bedroom. “There’s nothing more to discuss.”

  “Oh yes there is,” said Jennifer, giving vent to her anger. “I have as much to say about all this as you do. No one agrees with you about leaving medical school and the reason is simple: you shouldn’t. I’m perfectly capable of working right up until the last month, even the last week. Why do both of us have to interrupt our careers? Since I obviously can’t continue dancing, it’s only sensible that I get the new job. Your staying in school will be best for all of us in the long run. Besides, I already have a position and you don’t have any idea of what you could do.”

  “Oh yes I have,” snapped Adam. “I’m going to Arolen Pharmaceuticals in New Jersey. I called this afternoon and they are eager to see me. I have an interview tomorrow.”

  “Why are you being so bullheaded about this?” said Jennifer. “You don’t have to leave school. I can work.”

  “If you call bullheadedness my desire to keep you healthy and keep your parents from interfering in our life, then, yes, I’m bullheaded. One way or the other, the issue is closed, the discussion is over. I’m leaving school and you are not working at Macy’s. Any questions?” Adam knew he was taunting Jennifer, but he felt she deserved it.

  “I’ve got plenty of questions,” said Jennifer. “But I realize that it is useless to ask them. I wonder if you realize how much like your father you are.”

  “Just shut up about my father,” shouted Adam. “If anybody around here is going to criticize my father, I’ll do it. Besides, I’m not like my father in the slightest.”

  He kicked the bedroom door shut with a bang. For a moment he stood in the middle of the living room, wondering what he could break. Then, instead of doing something stupid, he finished dressing and drying his hair. Calmer, he decided to try and make peace with Jennifer. He started to open the bedroom door and was shocked to find it locked.

  “Jennifer,” he called over the sound of the TV. “I’m going to go out and get something to eat. I’d like you to go with me.”

  “You go ahead,” called Jennifer. “I want to stay by myself for a while.”

  Adam could tell that she’d been crying and he felt guilty.

  “Jennifer, open the door,” he begged. The TV played on. “Jennifer, open the door.”

  Still no answer. Adam felt his anger return in a rush. Stepping back, he eyed the door. For a second it seemed symbolic of all his problems. Without thinking, he raised his right foot and kicked with all his strength. The wood around the latch gave, and the door flew open, crashing against the bedroom wall. Jennifer drew herself up in a tight ball against the headboard.

  Adam could tell that she was terrified, and he immediately felt stupid. “They don’t make doors the way they used to,” he said lamely and tried to laugh. Jennifer didn’t say anything. Adam pulled the door away from the wall. Where the doorknob had struck, there was a hole in the plaster.

  “Well, that was stupid,” he said, trying to sound cheerful. “Anyway, as I was saying. Let’s go out and get something to eat.”

  Jennifer shook her head no.

  Adam looked around self-cons
ciously, embarrassed by his tantrum. “OK,” he said meekly. “I’ll be back later.”

  Jennifer nodded but didn’t speak. She watched Adam leave and heard the door to the hall close and lock. What was happening to them, she wondered. Adam seemed like a different person. He’d never been violent, and violence terrified her. Was this pregnancy going to change everything?

  CHAPTER

  6

  Climbing the third and final flight of stairs in Cheryl Tedesco’s apartment building, Jennifer was appalled. She’d thought her own building was bad, but Cheryl’s made it seem like the Helmsley Palace. A couple of winos—Jennifer hoped they were not residents—had camped in the lobby.

  Checking the number on Cheryl’s apartment, Jennifer hesitated before knocking. Then she had to wait while there were a number of clicks and finally the sound of the chain being moved before the door swung open.

  “Hi! Come on in,” said Cheryl. “Sorry it took me so long. My dad insisted on putting on all sorts of locks.”

  “I think it’s a good idea,” said Jennifer, quickly stepping inside. Cheryl went into the bathroom to finish dressing while Jennifer looked about the unkempt apartment.

  “I hope you followed doctor’s orders,” she called, knowing that Cheryl had been advised not to have food or drink save for a small amount of water when she first woke up.

  “I haven’t eaten a thing,” yelled Cheryl.

  Jennifer shifted her weight from one foot to another. Sensing that the entire building was filthy, she didn’t want to sit down. The whole idea of accompanying Cheryl was beginning to upset her, but she couldn’t let her go alone. At least she’d get to see the fabulous Dr. Foley, though she wasn’t about to challenge Adam about obstetricians just yet. They had half made up the night before, but Jennifer was still distraught at the thought of Adam leaving medical school. She had her fingers crossed that this interview at Arolen would be unsuccessful.

  “Ready,” said Cheryl, emerging from the bedroom. She had an overnight bag slung over her shoulder. “Let’s get the show on the road.”

  The hardest part of the trip to the Julian Clinic was climbing down Cheryl’s stairs without falling and then getting by the winos. Cheryl was unconcerned about the bums, saying that when the super got up he’d send them packing.