Missed Connection

by K Larsen

Her bottom lip quivers but she nods and signs her name to the form, then hands me the pen. I sign my name. Angie and Luke sign as witnesses and Andrew signs as notary before heading to his car to get his stamp.

  “Jess, you’ve got to file this,” I say sternly.

  “I will.”

  “No—now,” I say. “I want you to go and do it now.” She shakes her head no. And I understand, she doesn’t want to leave but it has to be done before anything happens. “I can barely keep my eyes open anyway. Just go get it done.” It takes all my effort to get the words out. I’m exhausted and the morphine makes me want to sleep for endless hours.

  She wipes her tears with the sleeve of her shirt. “Fine. But I want you to know, it’s under protest.” I smile and lay my head back on the pillow as she gets up. She kisses me possessively. “Do not die, Titan Jennings. Not until I’m back.” She turns on her heel and scoops up her purse before heading to the door.

  “I love you, Mrs. Jennings.”

  “I love you, too,” she calls over her shoulder.

  “Luke, sit over here,” I say. He sits in the chair next to my bed. I reach for his hand. His hand is warm and holds on to mine tightly. “I love you, Bud.”

  “I love you, too, Dad.” Things are in order for the most part. Everyone’s here. As soon as Jess files that license, we’re legally wed. I am more at ease, so I close my eyes to rest for a bit.

  I can’t be sure how much time has passed, but another nurse has come in to check my vitals and Jess is back in the bed next to me. I can smell her hair and feel her body pressed into mine. I want to open my eyes but it seems an impossible task. I say ‘I love you’ but I can’t be sure the words were out loud. Did they hear me? My hand is squeezed. Luke. I’d know his firm grip anywhere. I want so badly to say something.

  Instead, I drift back off.

  When he finally passes, it’s uneventful, like quiet becoming silence. He’s been unresponsive now for more than twenty-four hours. In the early morning hours, just before the sun rises, Luke and I sit on either side of him and hold each of his hands. He would squeeze back when you squeezed just yesterday, but now he’s too far away from us. I lean forward onto the bed, holding his one hand with both of mine, occasionally bringing it to my face. I can still hear his heart beating, we can still see every rise of his chest. I keep fighting off sleep, trying so hard to stay present. His skin is mottled, his hand growing colder against my skin. Then peacefully, the air stills as the sun hits its apex and the room becomes bathed in bright daylight. Even the external hospital noise seems to grow silent. Ty’s heartbeat slows, his breathing stops, and he slips softly away from us.

  Ty’s funeral is the most profoundly painful and excruciating experience. And not for me, I am devastated but I can live with this loss, the pain is for Luke, who has now lost both parents. After Rory’s death, Ty and Luke became closer than any best friends. They were inseparable and loved so hard that, for Luke, losing Ty has meant utter desolation. To see him, head down—defeated, dressed in black, being a pallbearer and burying another dead parent, was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. I’ve been by his side ever since, cooking his meals, reminding him to do his homework, to shower, taking him to his therapy sessions and even gently waking him up in the morning. Luke’s pain is incomprehensibly big. I cry, too, but never in front of him. I don’t want him to have to deal with the weight of my own sadness.

  But I mourn. Day in and day out. I wear his shirts. I wear his jackets. I smell his clothing when what I really long to smell is his skin. I stare at pictures of him for hours. At night, when I’m alone in our bed, I whisper to Ty as if he were right here beside me. I ended up in a ball on the floor in the laundry room when I washed his last heap of laundry. I was horrified when I was folding his clothes and realized that there was no one to wear them, no one to fill the giant hole that he left in my world.

  Today is the day they are reading Ty’s will. Luke and I will go together and Dan and Rusty will be there, because as Titan explained to me, he left his whole business to the two men, with a clause that Ty’s share of the profits from the continued, active business were directly deposited into a trust for his son. It was, of course, up to Rusty and Dan if they’d choose to continue and for now they have.

  I hold my arm around Luke’s shoulders as we walk through the dark wood and heavily carpeted law offices. Rusty and Dan greet us in the waiting room. They offer hearty hugs to Luke with emotional thumps on his back. Luke holds it together and I, too, manage to contain myself.

  The executor who drones on about the legality of Ty’s assets is bald and shiny with tiny, wire-rimmed glasses. He doesn’t tell us anything we aren’t expecting, until he gets to a lumberyard Ty owns the lion’s shares of. All of us look at one another with surprise. The shares are left to Luke and are really quite substantial.

  “The house was owned outright, notwithstanding the yearly property taxes. Mr. Jennings leaves his home to his wife, Mrs. Jesenia Jennings,” he says, without looking up from his paperwork. My eyes widen in surprise. Ty left me his house? I look at Luke and he smiles for what seems like the first time in weeks.

  “Really?” I mouth, a smile also creeping onto my face.

  “Yeah,” Luke whispers.

  I tilt my head in wonder. What else has this beautiful man of mine got up his sleeve from the afterlife?

  When all of the legalities are finalized, the executor has us all sign some papers. Then he hands me an envelope. I take it from him with shaking fingers. Tears are already flowing and I nod my head. I know my husband, I don’t have to ask what it is. I think about him every minute and it feels as if he’s still with me, but I’m unprepared to hear his voice, to read the words that he wrote for me.

  “If none of the other beneficiaries mind, I’d rather not read this now. Is that okay, guys?”

  Dan and Rusty nod and Luke gives me a quick hug.

  “The letter is for you alone, Mrs. Jennings, for you to read at your discretion. I was only legally bound to make sure it was in your possession. You’re under no obligation to read it now or ever, if you don’t want to.”

  As Luke and I make our way back to the car, I’m not sure who’s holding up who, anymore.

  To my wife,

  Jess, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, but know this, you are forever in my heart. You brought me hope when I had none. Joy when it was in short supply and unconditional love. You were the seafloor to my anchor. I will never stop loving you. Death cannot stop my love because we are anchored together in this life and the next.

  Without you, I’m not sure I would have been able to get through these last months. I wouldn’t have been okay with my diagnosis. You’ve given me a peace that I can’t put into words a second time around.

  So long as my heart beats, you’ll be able to feel its presence in the world. And if it stops, your love will live in my spirit, in my soul, Jess. We are eternal and I will always be nearby. When a light flickers, or a rush of wind comes seemingly out of nowhere, know that it is me, with you. Please don’t mourn the loss of me because you haven’t, nor will you ever truly lose me. I’m forever a part of you.

  Luke and I were able to talk and he made it clear that he wants to stay in Fairfield to finish high school. I’d like that for him. To be near Rusty, Edie, Dillon and Dan and family and Bree. To be with you. I’ve left the house to you. I want you to stay. There is no mortgage, so it’s yours free and clear. I need you to be happy. To make a life for yourself (and Luke). I can’t imagine anyone outside of me or Rory, loving and caring for him the way you will, so I hope you will accept this last wish of mine.

  Do not be afraid to love again, Jess. You have so much to offer. Your heart knows no bounds and your kindness expands each day. Please know that I want you to follow your heart in the future, without guilt, without sadness and without doubt.

  If I could have given you all the stars in the galaxy, I would have. Please be happy. Please be grateful for what we were
able to share together and please, love again.

  Forever yours,

  Titan

  I shut down the cash register and flick off the lights.

  “Hurry, Mom! I swear if you don’t finish up, we’ll miss all the good seats!”

  Angie is shooing me out of the store. I made a sign for the door that says, “Luke’s Graduating Today! Normal business hours will resume tomorrow.” I tape it over the OPEN sign and lock the heavy front door.

  It’s been one year since Luke and I cut the ribbon on “Jenning’s Home and Hardware.” It’s been a full-time job for us both and a therapeutic experience to build something from the ground up, while we struggle through our loss. We found the old feed barn that’s almost eight thousand square feet, about two miles from the house. The location was perfect, just off the highway on an old county road. Dan and Rusty did the construction, while Luke and I worked with a consultant to figure out the business plan. We sell everything from lumber to bulk sequins for crafting. There’s even a small cafe in the front where we sell cakes and pastries, espresso drinks and to-go coffees. I’m the overseeing manager with two employees and Luke, who helps out most days after school. He does the day shift on Saturdays and has saved enough money to buy himself a used car. I’ll be devastated when he leaves, but Dillon, Rusty’s son, will take his place, since he’s not going away to school.

  I slide into the backseat of Angie and Andrew’s car, Charlotte is in her car seat and grins at me with two adorable bottom teeth.

  “Oh, my, baby girl! When did those happen?”

  “Over a long sleepless week with lots of fevers and diarrhea,” Andrew says, twisting to look out of the back window. He backs up down the driveway and pulls out onto the street. “How are you holding up, Jesenia? Ready to see Luke graduate?”

  I caress Charlotte’s tiny pink cheeks and she giggles and coos. Angie did not have an easy pregnancy and I wonder if my granddaughter will be her first and last attempt at procreating.

  “I’m doing fine, Andrew, thanks. A little manic here and there, but nothing that couldn’t be put to good use. After two nights of banging around in the house, Luke sent me to do overnight store inventory. Seems that’s his new strategy and it’s working out for the both of us. I’ve been a little anxious about today because I know how much Ty wanted to be here, but I know he’s watching and I’m happy we can make it special for Luke.”

  “You sound great, Mom. To tell the truth, we were a little worried.” She glances at her phone and then smacks Andrew on the arm. “Step on it, slowpoke, you’re going to make us late for the ceremony!”

  We arrive in plenty of time and somehow sit in front of a rowdy group of college kids, who from the sound of it, seem like they’ve already started celebrating. The atmosphere is festive and the air is crackling with energy. They ask all of the families to withhold their applause until the end. Angie can barely sit still in her seat.

  She’s as close to Luke as any stepsister can be. She talks to him, maybe, more on the phone than she even talks to me. I think our experience with Ty changed her a lot, too; she decided on a smaller wedding without the pressure or fanfare. Wanted just close family instead of a guest list that rivaled the Statehouse. She even asked Luke to be in her bridal party and to stand up for her. There he was, sticking out like an adorable sore thumb among all of her sorority sisters clad in taffeta.

  Rory’s sister arrives with her family, they shuffle down the aisle to the seats that we’ve saved them. Rusty and Edie are a few rows ahead, waiting to see Dillon walk. We’ve got a huge party planned at the house. I did the unthinkable, I hired caterers. But with all the work at the store, I’ve been really exhausted. It was great to let someone else take over and to dole out the orders.

  It’s been almost two years since he left us. I still sleep in his bed. I still sleep in his T-shirts. Sometimes, when I’m struggling, I remember the things he used to say. He had a sensible wisdom to him that helps me along, to this day. I remember how when I tried to explain my disease, he always listened, always tried to understand and would often break it down to me. Once, I told him that it wasn’t straight ups and downs, that I could be insanely depressed inside of a manic episode. He nodded his head and said, “I call those great, shitty days, Jess. Where everything sucks but for some reason, you feel great, or everything is going great, but for some reason, you feel like shit.” I burst out loud with my laugh and threw my arms around his neck.

  “Everybody has those same feelings, Jesenia, you just feel them a little deeper than the rest of us.” I loved him for those profoundly simple explanations. He made me feel normal and so greatly loved. The man who climbed into a tiny closet beside me, to show me that he wasn’t afraid of who I really was. I spent so many years hiding and it was only through Ty’s unconditional love, that I grew to eventually love myself.

  I can feel him all around me as we listen to the names and watch the graduates make their way across the stage. They are projected onto the big screen, so we get an up-close view of all the tears and reactions.

  “Lucas James Jennings,” the announcer says.

  “Here, hold the baby!” Angie yells, practically throwing her into Andrew’s arms. “Go, Luke! Go, Luke Jennings, woot, that’s our boy!” she screams, while standing.

  “Angie, they said to withhold the applause,” I say uselessly.

  “Just let her go,” Andrew says shaking his head and smiling. I giggle, too, and offer to hold baby Charlie.

  She finally sits down after they hand him the diploma, his face momentarily lights up the big screen, Ty’s kind eyes in spades, Luke definitely has them. I feel my heart swell with pride. I make a silent vow to my Titan to always watch out for his boy.

  “Oh, my God, who is that? He’s totally hot,” says one of the enthusiastic girls behind us.

  “Oh, Luke?” Angie says twisting in her chair to glare at them. “He’s my little brother—hands off! Why don’t you go pick up some frat boys, huh?”

  Andrew looks alarmed but I’m barely containing a smile. The girls get really quiet. “Go, Luke, you did it!” Angie yells again and then they call the next person.

  We wait by the exit for the seniors to come and throw their hats up outside, it’s a Fairfield High tradition and a great photo opportunity. Angie and I tackle Luke with hugs as soon as he comes out. He’s grinning ear to ear and has Bree at his side. I snap a few photos of the two of them together, then with Charlotte, then Angie and Andrew and then Luke and Dillon and even more with Rory’s family.

  A man standing nearby wearing sunglasses and a suit jacket smiles and approaches us.

  “Here, go ahead, let me get one of you and your son together,” he offers amiably.

  Luke and I look at each other for a moment. He smiles and I smile back at him, then I step forward to get in the picture with him.

  When we’re finished with the photos, Andrew hands me the bouquet in school colors I made earlier at the house. I pass it to Luke and he crushes me along with the flowers into a huge hug. The boy learned to bear hug from his dad.

  “Thanks for being here, Jess. It really means a lot to me.”

  “Wouldn’t miss it for the world! I’m so damn proud of you, Honey. Know, Luke, that your dad is smiling down from above.”

  “No, Angie, really. It’s no problem, I’ll get it. It will take me two seconds and besides, you’ve got to feed Charlotte, look at her little face.”

  “Why didn’t you have the caterers bring the coffee?”

  “I just forgot.”

  Guests are already streaming into the house. We invited a lot of people, it feels like a really big deal. Bree and her parents arrive, with Luke in tow.

  “Skip it then, we don’t need it!” Angie shrugs.

  “Skip coffee? I don’t think so. Ty would have wanted coffee for sure.”

  I hand Andrew the bowl to have everyone put their keys in.

  “Just have them drop them in, even if they’re not drinking and especially check all
the kids on the way out, because, well you know, they’re good kids but it’s graduation.”

  “All over it, Jess, go get the coffee and get back here for the slideshow!”

  “I’m running!”

  The drive to the store takes me under five minutes. I’ll just run in and get two pounds of ground coffee beans and the large, industrial thermoses to keep it hot throughout the party.

  I park in the gravel driveway and yank the keys out of my purse, flick on the huge buzzing barn lights and lift the wooden hinged bar over to enter the café corner. Into a big, thick brown paper bag with handles, I load the coffee and two empty thermoses. There are still two full ones on the bar from this morning. I need to drain out the coffee before it leaves a bitter flavor to the container. I lift one into the sink and press down the release.

  “Hello?” Someone calls behind me. I practically jump out of my skin and immediately realize that I left the front door open.

  “Sorry, we’re closed!” I say to the nice looking man.

  He makes a disappointed face and holds up a travel coffee mug.

  “I always pass by on Saturdays and Luke makes me a great one.”

  He’s stepping closer as he speaks. Part of me feels like I should be afraid but there’s something about him that sets me at ease.

  “I can fill you up if you don’t mind that it’s from this morning. It’s still hot,” I gesture to the steam rising up from the one I’m pouring off.

  “Great, thanks. I appreciate it. I really love this store. I used to admire the barn and wish somebody would do something with it.”

  “It’s been a labor of love, to say the least. Almost two years in the making, but I wouldn’t trade her for anything,” I say, as I fill up his coffee.

  “Mike Blackard,” he says, reaching out his hand to shake.

  “Jesenia Jennings,” I say. When my skin touches his, I feel a breeze blow near my neck. My skin rises in goose flesh and one of the giant fluorescent barn lights flickers above me.