“But how does it work when you’re about to have your heart broken in a thousand pieces? Again.’’
“You trust someone else to glue them back together. Duke was the one to find your pieces scattered everywhere, but the next man, he will be the one to make them whole again,” he answers with conviction, his eyes taking in my whole face slowly, so slowly and thoroughly that it makes me squirm.
A part of me is stirring at the hope in his words and at the weird vibe coming from him, but the other part of me, the biggest one, is crushed. “No other man exists for me.”
“Time will tell, but I’m sure he’s closer than you expect.”
“What do you mean?”
His cheeks turn a light pink. “I just mean that you shouldn’t close your heart to any possibility.”
I shake my head and all I can think about is Duke. I can’t explain why or put what I feel into words, but Duke is not just a guy I met in college with which discovered myself. I don’t believe in soul mates or eternal love, but I do believe that you don’t often meet someone you feel so close to, you feel so much passion for and you love so fiercely. Such love can’t be just the result of our messed up lives.
Not long ago he told me he’d fight for me, and I won’t give up without a fight either. “I have to learn to fight for what I want, Dr. Marshall, and I want to have Duke in my life.”
Something passes in his clear blue eyes, making them look darker for a just a moment, but his small professional smile drives it away. He nods; however, his movements are stiff now.
*
SKYE
“And your solution is to not go to your psychology class?” Kate asks me with doubts in her voice.
I understand how confusing it must be for her, but I decided to fight against Duke’s behavior and for him, that alone is confusing. I believe that if I don’t show up for the class, it’ll give me the upper hand because he’ll have to chase me down to have “the talk”. I won’t let him lead the dance again. I’m not one to let a guy make all the decisions in my life ever again. That time is over.
“It’s not going to kill me to miss a class. My grades are still great despite the weeks I missed.” Glancing at the time on my phone, I realize there’s only ten minutes left. I dry my sweaty palms on my light blue jeans.
Kate sighs and shoulders her huge designer bag with her laptop in it and some heavy textbook for one of her classes. Today, she’s wearing a simple black skirt stopping mid-thigh and a sleeveless blouse made of what looks like silk. She’s always beautiful and with her shiny blonde hair brushing her bare shoulders, I know guys will turn around to have a closer look at her retreating figure. For a petite girl, she always attracts the most attention, and it still blows my mind to think that she’s my best friend. Who knew such different people could be so close so fast in the end?
“It’s becoming ridiculous, Skye.” She grabs her keys on her desk. “Even now that you both confessed your love for each other, you find ways to fight and hurt each other.” She looks down at her peep-toe, high heeled shoes without really seeing them. “It’s just how my parents drifted apart. Love hurts.”
I shake my head. I hate it when she thinks that way about love because of her dysfunctional family. When I don’t see her bright smile and laughing eyes, it always makes me feel sad because I know she hoped to see Duke and me changing her view point on this. When I see how it resulted with Derek and her, I know how we failed. It’s awful to have this amazing, beautiful and smart girl ruining a part of her life and even ignoring a part of herself.
“It’s not love that hurts, Kate. It’s people. People hurt each other all the damn time.” I avoid her green eyes now back on me because I don’t want her to see this dark part of me that will always be there, creeping out from time to time. I don’t want her to see the shadows in my clear eyes.
“Not always.” She walks to me, kisses me on the cheek on her tippy toes and leaves without another word. We have different points of view, and we’re both trying to convince the other of the truth of our words. But our different experiences make it difficult to really grasp the meaning of the other’s words.
As soon as the door closes on her, I look again at my phone. The class should be over in a matter of seconds. What if he doesn’t call or text me? What if he doesn’t even come here to talk? What if there’s nothing to salvage? What if we’re going to hurt each other even more? Should I listen to Dr. Marshall and let Duke go? That last thought is making it difficult to breathe.
Duke: Where are you? Why weren’t you in class today?
I resist the urge to call him and beg him to come here. I know that even if I want to fight for him, he’s the one with the final call. I can’t force him to do anything even if I want to.
Me: I’m in my room. I didn’t want to go to class today.
Seconds after I hit send, another text comes in and it makes my heart flutter to imagine him eager to exchange words with me, eager to know what is going on. It must mean something, right? It has to.
Duke: I’ll be there in five minutes. Wait for me.
If only he knew how much I’m waiting for him. I close my eyes a second and reopen them to put my phone on my desk. I never realized how long five minutes can be. Five minutes are nothing in a day, but five minutes represent three hundred seconds. I feel all these three hundred seconds ticking in my heart, in my head and in my blood making my ears buzz. Until … the knock at the door makes my breath stall and dizziness overcomes me as I hesitate for a second more.
Opening the door, I’m still taken aback by his tall and muscular body in front of me. His intense black eyes look at my face for a clue of the reason why I decided to skip my favorite class, but I know how to keep everything in lock down. Some things will always be there like a security blanket. I built myself on this because of Sean.
He looks tired and tense, tugging at his hair with one hand and running the other one in his goatee. The ink on his arms is still compelling me, calling me when I never knew before I met him that I enjoyed tattooed guys. But I think it’s just Duke as a whole that I love because his tattoos are not just something he likes, but are more a proof of a dark period in his life, a dark period during which he tried many things to ease the pain pulling him down. Tattoos were a phase of his dark days, representing even more than just complicated lines and shades of color on his skin.
“Did something happen at your appointment?” he asks, walking inside and closing the door behind him with his shoulder.
I tug on the hem of my red and white dotty top hugging my body. It’s too hot in here. It has nothing to do with Duke here with me, but everything to do with the sun coming through the window and making the room feel like we’re in the middle of summer. I put my hair in a bun on top of my head—I have to do it twice because my wild locks are not cooperating.
“It was fine. Draining like always, but fine.”
I open the little fridge and grab two water bottles with shaky hands. I give one to Duke, who takes it without even looking at what I’m giving him. He’s keeping his eyes resolutely on my face, making me blush. Every time he looks at me longer than necessary, it makes me blush.
“So why didn’t you go to class?” he insists with his deep voice never wavering. I know he’s genuinely concerned, but I don’t know what he really thinks about us. It’s so damn frustrating when he’s so closed off!
I take a sip of water and feel the cold water refreshing me for a couple of seconds. “There’s no reason. I didn’t want to go; that’s all.”
He comes closer to me and brings a hand to my face. His palm is cold against my cheek because of the water bottle. I close my eyes and feel myself relax for the first time in days. It feels so good to have his hand on me again and to feel this cold on my heated skin. A sigh escapes me.
“You thought I’d break up with you,” he states.
I open my eyes and lock them with his very close to my face. I nod slowly, careful not to push his hand away from my face. I ne
ed to have his skin on mine as long as possible. “I know that’s what you think is best,” I say with a broken voice, making my breathy voice sound way too deep compared to how it sounds normally.
Duke frowns and shakes his head with a little smile tugging his entrancing lips. “When you called Sunday, I was mad because I had just listened to a voice message Derek left me Saturday night. I think he was drunk and told me that if I hurt you again, he’d do anything to make you forget me.” He sighs and draws me into his arms, closing them around my body. “I lost it; that’s all. I’m discovering that I’m a very jealous guy, and it’s all new to me.”
I put my arms around his narrow waist and hold on tight. “Jealous? You weren’t about to break up with me?” I ask with my face against his chest, the fabric of his old black tee-shirt soft against my face. It’s clinging to my sweaty forehead.
“On Friday I told you I couldn’t.”
“You hesitated before you answered.”
He laughs and kisses the top of my head. “Because I saw the hurt I caused you on your face. It’s not often that you show so much emotion, Skye. I was reconsidering leaving for the weekend. That’s all.” He kisses me on my cheek, just on the corner of my mouth. “You shouldn’t let your mind wander like this.”
I pinch his ribcage softly. He jerks, but he doesn’t loosen his arms around me. “But I don’t understand why you didn’t call me back Sunday after Derek hung up on you.”
He puts a finger under my chin and forces my face up to look me directly in the eyes. “Because I was ashamed to feel so jealous, and I didn’t want to frighten you. I don’t want you to ever feel like you felt with Sean. Not with me.”
I smile and laugh with relief. “We really are nut cases. I can’t believe how difficult we make our damned lives.” But I lose my smile immediately when I think about how it all began. “Duke, I’m seeing Mrs. Lawson. It’s not negotiable.”
He traces my lower lip with his thumb, his eyes following it before he brings his hand in my hair behind my neck. “That’s probably what I love the most about this new you. You’re standing your ground.” He nods. “I’ll come with you if you agree. I need to really understand with my heart that I’m not going to lose you for Sean. I know it with my head, but it’s my heart that is messing with everything.”
“I would never break up with you for Sean!” I almost yell, stepping away from his embrace, appalled.
“That’s not what I meant, Skye.” He draws me in again with soft hands and his intense eyes coaxing me. “I just know that you need some real closure with all of this. You told me yourself that you’re lost with how you feel about Sean. When I think about it, It drives me crazy, and I think that if I’m there with you when you talk with his mother, I’ll understand this part of your past better.”
For some reason, imagining Duke with Mrs. Lawson and me is weird. It’s like two opposite worlds about to collide, two worlds where I’m two different people. I’m there in both, but with a different life. And I think a part of me is feeling bad to show up with my new boyfriend when Mrs. Lawson saw me only with her son for years. I don’t even remember how many times I had dinner at her table, holding hands with Sean when things were slightly calm compared to other times.
But I understand Duke’s need. If Juliet’s family was still around and I knew he’d go see them, I would need to be there too. After all, I followed him several times to the cemetery when he was there, and it was because it was driving me crazy with some morbid jealousy even more irrational than what he’s feeling now.
“If you need to come, then come, Duke. But please, respect Mrs. Lawson. Keep in mind she’s a broken woman, more so than I’ll ever be, and she’s not just Sean’s mother. I don’t want to be blind-sided by your hatred for her son,” I warn him, afraid to see him break her even more than she probably already is. I know how intimidating he can be and how hard he can strike with only his words.
“I know, Skye. Don’t worry.” He leans toward me and kisses me on the lips, just a small kiss, but enough to leave me breathless. “I love you to insanity. I’m not even sure if it’s a good thing.”
“Sometimes it’s not, and sometimes it is. We need some insanity or else our life would be only made with black, white and grey. You bring a pallet of color to my life.”
“As long as there is some red passion, I’m all game,” he replies in a laugh and kisses me thoroughly, making me forget how many tears I have shed and how long and painful this weekend was. Apparently, I rely on him to be really happy. This weekend apart showed me I could live without him. It would be really gloomy, and I don’t think it’d be easy to feel as I do now, my heart fluttering as his lips move against mine, coaxing me to open them and grant his tongue access.
Chapter Seven
SKYE
I need to breathe and calm down. I pace on the sidewalk across the road from the little coffee house. I don’t look at Duke, patiently waiting for me to compose myself. The last time I glanced at him, five minutes ago or so, he was leaning against the wall of a closed Indian restaurant.
I stop my pacing and shake my head. I’m being ridiculous, I know it. On edge because of something I agreed to do, something I really want to do, I shouldn’t feel so out of control, so afraid. It’s not like Sean is about to jump out of his mother’s skin to harm me again. He can’t get to me through her.
“Skye, do you want me to go and see Mrs. Lawson? I can tell her to reschedule this coffee date.” Duke asks me softly as he walks to me and puts his strong arm around my shoulder, providing me with some much needed comfort.
Leaning closer to him, I breathe in the smell of tobacco, shampoo and musk, a perfect blend of Duke’s smell I love so much. I shake my head and force a little smile on my face. I know why I’m freaking out so much, and it’s not because of Sean. I’m afraid I won’t be able to help Mrs. Lawson out of her misery, out of this life she doesn’t deserve. When I think about her, I see a future that could have been mine, and it tears my heart out into million of jagged pieces.
“Let’s go now,” I say, taking his hand in mine and leading him across the street without thinking any longer about how I should say “Hi,’’ or even think about if I should hug her or something. I can’t spend my life trying to predict all the scenarios that could happen when interacting with other people. It’s ridiculous, tiresome and most of all useless, considering how unpredictable people can be.
There are not many people in the coffee house. It’s in the middle of the morning during the week, so I guess most people are still in their offices. Customers are a blend of all ages, most of them reading newspapers or a book while the younger ones are checking their phones and laptops. The soft jazzy music is creating a cozy kind of atmosphere to this generic coffee house.
I scan the whole room and stop on a tall and thin body in the far back. I know it’s Mrs. Lawson, but she doesn’t look like the same woman with her shoulders slumped, her hair greying fast and the dark shadows under her blue eyes. They are the blue eyes her son inherited, but without the softness present in those of his mother’s. She looks like she lost some weight too, and I’m even more worried now seeing her.
I turn my head and meet Duke’s eyes, less guarded now that he can see how Mrs. Lawson is, indeed, broken. Even if I know Duke is furious about everything Sean related, I know he can’t say a word to someone looking so lost, not when we both know I looked just like this when we met.
I smile softly, squeeze his hand just before he entwines our fingers. We walk toward her, hand in hand. Having Duke here with me is comforting me and makes me feel braver. He’s the living proof that you can save yourself, that you have to keep some hope because at some point things can get better unexpectedly. It’s tough, but it’s possible.
“Mrs. Lawson?” I call to her as we near her table.
Startled, she looks up from her coffee cup, looking quite cold now, and meets my eyes. I feel my shoulders relax, and I take a seat without releasing Duke’s hand even for a secon
d. He takes the chair next to mine.
“Skye,” she says softly, her eyes traveling from Duke to me. “Thank you so much for meeting me. I know it’s not easy for you.”
“I hope you don’t mind if Duke is here with me.”
He’s not smiling and he keeps quiet, but he doesn’t look like he’s ready to yell at Mrs. Lawson that she gave birth to a monster either. That’s the best I can ask for, and after all, he’s here to understand more about my past, not to take a part in it.
“You’re Skye’s boyfriend, right? You’re the one who … the one who called the police,” Mrs. Lawson says, her voice breaking halfway through her sentence. Her eyes are watery, and it’s breaking my heart a little more seeing her like this. She’s never looked very strong, but right now she is only a shadow of herself.
“Yes, that’s me,” Duke answers guarded, leaning back against the chair. He glances at me and brings my hand to his mouth, kissing it softly and brushing his goatee on my skin like he knows I love.
I squirm on my chair and glance back at Mrs. Lawson. She’s not annoyed or sad like I thought she’d be at seeing Duke so sweet and tender with me when her son is in prison. Instead, she’s smiling thoughtfully, her eyes focusing on our hands.
“Sean was never that careful with you. I never saw it before today.”
“He’s got a problem.“
“And he thinks that you’re his property, Skye. Don’t forget that part,” Duke butts in, not once taking into account how upset Mrs. Lawson is. The woman is on the edge of crying in the middle of a public place.
“Duke, please,” I plead, my hand probably squeezing his way too hard. I can’t feel my fingers anymore, but I don’t care. I’m not here to list all of Sean’s flaws and throw them in his mother’s face.
“He’s right, Skye. I know he’s right,” she replies with a worn out voice, and she looks way older than she really is. “My son … it’s … I can’t find the words to condemn what he did to you and for so long. I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to open my eyes and see what he was doing to you.”
Fix Up Page 11
