“I agreed to see you, but it’s not because I want to talk about Sean.” I look down at the top of the table painted in a deep green. I feel Duke closing the space between our chairs and I look up at Mrs. Lawson who is fast closing up. “I want to ask you, no, I want to beg you to leave your husband.”
She moves back and crosses her arms tightly. It’s the exact same thing I do whenever I feel threatened in any way or when I feel very uncomfortable. It stings to see a woman of her age still stuck in this stage of her life, consumed by fear. She’s trapped like a prisoner in her own life.
“That’s none of your business, Skye.”
I nod with understanding, but I’m not going to back down. Not just yet. “Maybe, but I feel concerned, Mrs. Lawson. You and I don’t deserve to be treated like crap, to be violated by men we love or used to love. You and I, we both deserve a real chance to live our life, and if you don’t do anything now, I know it’s going to end badly. Look what happened to me with Sean. It escalated because I did nothing.”
She shakes her head and grabs her bag, her hands shaking so badly she misses it three times. “You weren’t married, Skye. You don’t know a thing about life.”
I stand up, followed by Duke who puts a hand on my shoulder before I can go after her. “No, but I was beaten by a guy for three years at the age when you’re trying to find yourself and build yourself. Every situation is different, but everyone needs the same thing, to find a way out. Bravery,” I call after her, and it does nothing besides halt her steps for a second. That’s all I succeeded; I made a woman run away.
“She makes me think of you in a way. She’s running away when you’re confronting her with the truth. Just like you did when we met.”
“Does that mean that you think I’m right to try to help her?” I ask hopeful, glancing up at his smiling face.
He nods and leads us outside into the bright sun. A short woman in sky high heels and a pristine suit bumps into me. I gasp with the same fear I always feel when someone touches me suddenly, but I manage to not cower like I used to. I dry my free hand on my jeans and follow Duke toward his car.
“It’s understandable that you want to help her, but I think you shouldn’t put too much hope in it. Keep in mind that maybe she doesn’t want the help you’re offering. Maybe she’s not ready for it yet.’’
I stop and force him to do the same. I’m frowning deeply and am ready to scowl. “I didn’t want yours either.”
He releases my hand and puts both of them on either side of my head. He brushes my cheeks with his thumbs, and I shiver. “You did, Skye. You needed someone willing to try hard enough; that’s all.” He leans toward my face and kisses me so softly that I barely feel the outlines of his well-defined lips against mine. “And I wanted to be the man you needed, the one to break down your walls, the one you could open up to and love.”
I giggle and laugh hard when he frowns. “You can’t tell me these things, Duke. It’s like you’re out of a fairy tale or a male hero in a book.”
“And that’s bad because …”
“Because I want to kiss you deeply, and it’s not possible in the middle of a street,” I reply softly, letting my voice do its magic on Duke.
“If you didn’t have your appointment with Dr. Marshall, I’d keep you with me in my room all alone while Grayson is in class.” His deep voice in my ear and the brush of air from his mouth down my neck is making me all dizzy.
“I could reschedule.”
He chuckles and shakes his head. “It’s too important. Let’s go.”
***
DUKE
I watch her walk toward the tall building where her psychologist works. Her curly hair swishes at every step, and I’m mesmerized. It’s not just the way she walks or talks, but more about the way she’s keeping her head high and how she’s not afraid to talk louder. She’s years away from the broken Skye I met only a few months ago. I can see her light now, it’s wavering still, but it’s there, chasing away the shadows.
How can I not fall for such a woman? How can I not want, and need, to protect such a woman after everything she’s been through? That’s why it’s so hard on me to see her hopeful, and yet so very sad with the way Mrs. Lawson is. Sean’s mother can set Skye back, not willingly, but it’s a possibility. Yet, I can’t shelter my girl from everything and anything; it’d be another way of abusing her, something maybe more subtle, but still something unhealthy.
I cross my arms over my chest tighter and let my head fall back against the roof of my truck, eyes closed as the sun warms my skin without reaching my frozen bones, the places in me touched by fear.
The closer I get to her, the more I feel sick at thinking about losing her, at failing her, at disappointing her or hurting her. The more I want her, the more I’m afraid of asking for or expecting too much.
Love is complicated, but as soon as I’ve got her in my arms, my fears quiet down for a little while.
I reopen my eyes and stare at the building, at the windows bright where the rays of sun hit them. Behind one of those Skye’s talking, confiding in her psychologist, a man I know nothing of aside from his name. It’s crazy how jealous it makes me knowing that now I’m not the only one she’s seeking comfort or understanding from.
She’s right when she said that I want to save her as fucking crazy as it sounds.
I check my cell phone and sigh. Still forty-five minutes to go. I glance around and see a coffee stand farther down the street. I lock my car and slowly strut to the coffee stand, ignoring a pair of high school girls chatting, giggling and watching me as my tattoos play on my skin when I move.
“A coffee, black, please.’’ I fish a couple of bills from my pocket and put them in the old man’s hand, a hand that has seen many years without much or any care. I grab my styrofoam cup and take a sip, nodding when the rich flavor invades my mouth. The old man smiles, and there’s a big gap between his teeth, probably from missing two.
I turn around and walk back to the car, taking a sip or two every few steps while everything in me is asking for me to walk into that building, take the elevator to the appropriate floor and wait for Skye in the waiting room, just to see a small glimpse of that Dr. Marshall she’s raving about.
I grit my teeth and shake my head. No, I’m not going to do it. I don’t need to see if he’s got a beer belly, or count his wrinkles. I don’t need to because as long as he’s helping her, as long as she’s not closing off, it’s good. I need to accept that I’m not the only one in her life able to understand her, able to help her. She needs more people in her life, so I open my car door and sit inside, sipping my coffee slowly, tapping an imaginary rhythm with my thumb on the hot steering wheel.
*
SKYE
Maybe for the first time since I started these sessions with Dr. Marshall, I’m looking at him. I mean, I’m really looking at him and wondering if Kate is right about him. When I walked in his office, I felt his eyes on me, and while it made me uneasy to have his full attention that way, I also enjoyed it. I never enjoy the male attention when it’s not from Duke; it’s freaking me out. Hence my scrutiny of my very young and quite attractive psychologist.
He’s wearing a chocolate brown dress shirt paired with black slacks, nothing extravagant and everything screaming professional. His hair is still perfectly cut, still the same dirty blond color enhancing the clear striking blue of his eyes, bright with intelligence and empathy. He exudes empathy, and that’s maybe why I like these appointments with him. It can’t be something else, right?
I squirm on my chair again and sigh. He’s patient. I’m pretty sure he knows I’m processing something, but I can’t just spill everything and ask him if he likes me more than as just his very young and damaged patient.
He smiles at me, revealing his perfect white teeth. He’s amused to see me so uncomfortable. I shake my head and try to regain my composure. “I saw Sean’s mother earlier today. Duke came with me.” It’s not a safe subject because Dr. Marshall is reall
y good at delving right into what is really bothering me or hurting me, but at least it’s better than asking my psychologist if he wants to date me!
“So, he’s still in the picture,” he observes calmly, now frowning. He looks down at his pen in his hand, but he doesn’t make a move to write down any notes.
I bite the inside of my cheek and suppress a gasp when my teeth draw out blood. It hurts more than I intended. I can’t jump to conclusions even if he looks … well, he looks jealous. I nod my head. “He’s my boyfriend, so …”
“But you thought he’d break up the last time I saw you.” He’s now looking intently at me, his bright blue eyes seeking inside me, inside my head. I can’t hide.
“I have my issues,” I say and shrug, never breaking the eye contact with him. “Duke is still very attached to his girlfriend who died in a car crash, and whenever there’s something wrong between us, I compare myself to what I know about her. I come short. I can’t just forget this part of his past, not when I don’t really see what he finds in me so interesting, so lovable.”
Dr. Marshall nods and sighs, putting down his pen on his desk with more force than needed. The pen clinks on the top of the desk, and I break the eye contact. “It’s always difficult to deal with other people’s past. It’s not just you, Skye.” His voice sounds defeated, almost like he’s giving up. I feel myself blush. Kate was right about him. My psychologist has a little crush on me. I’ve got an older man, very successful in his professional life, very balanced, crushing on me. At his words, I understand he was secretly hoping my relationship with Duke would come to an end, and I don’t know how I feel about that.
“What’s your first name?” I blurt out suddenly, now focusing on this tiny, completely ridiculous detail considering the epiphany I just had. I guess my mind is really weird when confronted to unexpected things.
He leans back, obviously as startled by my question as I am. “I don’t really see the point. We’re talking about your relationship.”
I press my left palm to my hot cheek and close my eyes for a second, trying to calm down and put back on a mask of some kind of control. When I open my eyes, Dr. Marshall is intently looking at me, his cheeks slightly pink like always when I’m asking him something that takes him by surprise. Somehow, I think he’s not used to being taken by surprise.
“I know, it’s just … it’s just that I don’t know you at all.”
“Charles. My name is Charles Marshall,” he says in a hushed voice, almost like he’s afraid to be heard. Maybe it’s because he’s breaking some kind of unspoken rule by telling me his first name.
So, he’s a Charles. I guess it fits his nerdy cute good looks. I nod and smile at him. I don’t know what I’m doing, why I need to create some kind of real bond with this man. I’m playing with fire and I know it, but I like feeling like this. Feeling normal, I am enjoying the effect I might have on a man other than my boyfriend.
“I suppose now I should talk about my meeting with Sean’s mother.”
He recomposes himself, sits straighter and waves at me to continue. “I’m glad I saw her, but she didn’t take it well when I talked about her husband.”
“You know from experience that women in her situation often reject the help of others at first.”
“But it’s not just my help! My parents tried to help her before what happened last time with Sean, and she didn’t want to hear a word.” I tap a ghostly rhythm on the desk with my index and middle finger. “It’s like she thinks it’ll pass.”
Dr. Marshall takes some notes, making me almost groan. I’d love to read those damn notes. “Don’t you think you’re angry because you see yourself in her? You told me yourself that you don’t really know what you still feel for Sean.”
I shrug and instantly feel my eyes getting all watery. I guess it’s useless now to push everything away and ignore what my head and heart are both screaming. “A part of me still cares about Sean, and it’s awful.”
He puts down his pen and entwines his fingers, almost like he’s about to pray or something. “Why is it awful?”
I roll my eyes at his ridiculous question and tears run down my face. I hear his intake of breath, but I can’t see him through the blur of my tears. “Because he tried to rape me and was on the brink of murdering me! He’s a monster, and all I can think about is the sweet guy I first met and fell in love with!”
“You hope to see this boy back, don’t you?”
I dry my face with angry movements and glare at my psychologist digging into the dirt, making my heart bleed and waking up the guilt I feel when I think about how it’d hurt for Duke to know this. Or maybe that’s why we fought in the first place, maybe it’s because he knew it.
“I don’t love him anymore, and it’s been a while since I’ve stopped loving him,” I answer with my voice shaking as a new round of tears is menacing to break free. “But I want to believe he’s still in there somewhere. I can’t imagine that all of him is a monster.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s the first boy I fell in love with, the first boyfriend I had, the one I had sex with for the first time, the one to whom I offered all of me without fear or restriction. He was my first everything, and I can’t forget it or him.”
I can’t forget, even though I’d do anything to wipe it from my memory. I’m crying silently, fat tears falling down my cleavage as Dr. Marshall is handing me some tissues. I thank him with a nod, now unable to even mutter a word past the big lump closing my throat.
“I know it hurts to feel this kind of connection with someone you want to hate, but it’s a big step to acknowledge this.”
“What does that say about me?”
“That you’re human. You’re wonderfully human and in tune with the burning feelings inside of you. Not all emotions and feelings are good, nor are they easy to understand and deal with, but the winners in life are those that accept each one of them. Now that you can face these emotions, it’ll be easier to deal with what happened to you.”
“You look quite sure of yourself.”
“I guess I’m a good psychologist.”
I laugh between tears. Maybe Dr. Marshall is not completely professional with me, maybe he’s crushing on me or maybe it’s just me thinking that way because I find some kind of reassurance in thinking that other men can feel attracted to me. But the most important thing is, he’s the person who’s doing me some good, who makes me feel better. I don’t want to think beyond that just yet. Charles is helping me, and I love talking with him.
*
SKYE
“Are you sure it’s okay with you if you stay here tonight?” Kate asks me for the third time as we’re making ourselves cosy on her bed with several packs of M&Ms, the sweet little drug she got me hooked on.
I roll my eyes behind her back and grab the remote. “You told me that you need a girls night in, I don’t see why I wouldn’t do that.”
She opens a pack of M&Ms and doesn’t hesitate before taking some for herself and hands me the pack. “I thought that you’d want to spend the night with Duke.”
I shrug and press play on the remote. We decided to watch a movie we both love, Pride and Prejudice. This is the version with Keira Knightley and the actor whose name I never remember. “After an appointment with my psychologist, I don’t feel all lovey-dovey, and a calm night is exactly what I need. With Duke, it’s always quite complicated. Just loving him is complicated for me most of the time.”
I glance at her as the DVD is playing the theme music of the movie on the menu. She’s looking down at the M&Ms in her hand, the colorful things contrasting with the pale pigment of her soft skin. “Don’t you think it’s because Duke doesn’t know how young Dr. Marshall is?”
Sighing, I kiss the peaceful night with a good movie and snacks goodbye. I lean heavily against the pillow, but I’m not looking at her anymore. Although, I can feel her eyes on me. “I don’t know, Kate.” I throw the remote on the bed in the tiny space between us. “I thought it
wasn’t important, but now I’m not so sure.”
“Why? What happened?” she asks me anxiously, always the caring best friend I still think I don’t deserve. “Don’t tell me you kissed your Dr. Marshall, the nerdy cute man.”
“I’d never do that to Duke! Who do you think I am?” I retort harshly, frowning deeply.
She holds up a hand and shakes her head. “I’m sorry. I know you’d never do that, but there’s something between you and this Dr. Marshall. I felt it the other day,” she says soothingly with an apologetic smile.
I relax and glance at the TV longingly. “I’m not sure, but I think he’s a little attracted to me. Maybe it’s just me reading him wrong.”
She puts her head on my shoulder and sighs. “Men are too complicated. They tell us that we are the complicated ones, but really, I think they’re no better.”
I laugh and nod. I’m not going to contradict her on this point. “I know his name, by the way.”
She straightens up and smiles broadly at me. She munches on the last M&Ms in her hand and claps twice like a little child excited by something. “Tell me what it is! Is it Nick? Or Kevin?”
“Charles.”
“Charles?” she repeats, thinking, and settles back next to me. “That’s a good name for him, I think.”
“That’s what I thought too.”
She grabs the remote and the opening credits of the movie begin. “Don’t you think you’re getting too close to him? What will you do if Duke discovers that this Charles guy is attracted to you?”
I picture in my head the hurt in Duke’s face and how badly it could turn out. Just picturing it in my head is painful. On the other hand, I can’t imagine myself telling him that Dr. Marshall is young and seems to have a little crush on me for some weird reason.
“You know what? Right now I just want to enjoy Lizzy and Mr. Darcy’s story.”
“Point taken, but don’t think it’ll just go away without consequences for you.”
Fix Up Page 12
