“Well, sounds like you want to go to the movies. I’m afraid you might be a little disappointed then.” He placed his hand at the small of my back as we stepped onto the elevator. “I was thinking something a little different. Something that requires reservations, an overnight bag, and you in bed, naked, for the next three days.”
Three days… That was the part that stood out to me. Not the romantic gesture or being naked with my guy for an extended period. This was where I would normally throw my arms around my husband’s neck while I climbed up him, wrapped my legs around his waist, and started the weekend early…in the elevator. I forced a smile, hoping it had enough sultry fire to distract him from what was really going on. Anxiety.
I didn’t know where we were going just yet, but I knew it would be somewhere special, hence all the secrets and surprise. I should be over the moon — I lived for these special moments with Liam. Instead, I was trying to decide how I was going to get through three days. Three days of secrets. Three days of forced smiles. Three days of knowing I was dying and keeping that little detail from him.
It wasn’t fair to either of us — especially him. It wasn’t fair to ruin the getaway before it started either. It just wasn’t fair.
“Well?” he asked. “Don’t you want to know? Or would you rather I keep it all a secret?”
Liam spun me around and pinned me in the corner of the elevator just before it reached our floor. “One…” he kissed me, “big…” he kissed me again, “secret.”
That was a knife to the gut. It was clear he had no idea what I was dealing with — that I had a secret of my own — but his choice of words stabbed me over and over again to the point I could hardly breathe. Liam was clueless and had no idea the impact his words had on me. I didn’t fault him for it. This was all me. I brought this on myself and should have told him. The minute I saw him, I should have told him.
At this point, there was no way I could tell him a thing. He’d obviously gone to great lengths to surprise me, and I couldn’t ruin it for one simple reason: this could be our last trip, our last romantic weekend, our last time to be intimate as husband and wife. He needed this. I needed this. It was time to put on my big girl panties and shove the cancer as far back in my mind as I possibly could. To let go and just feel all the things. To give my husband one final memory full of love, joy, and whatever else I could possibly pour over him in three days’ time. Because when we returned — it would all be over.
“Fine. Where are we going? Three days makes me think…McKenzie Ridge.”
We loved it there.
“Nope,” he said, pleased I was wrong because that meant he’d done a good job. “Try again.”
“That place at the beach we’ve been meaning to visit?” I asked, truly stumped.
“Wrong again.” He dropped his mouth to mine, ignoring the ping of the elevator as we reached our floor. “Somewhere better. Somewhere we share with only each other, nobody else. Our place.”
There was that stab again, only this time, to the heart. Our place could only be one place.
“Pine Valley,” I whispered. “The winery.”
Liam’s smile was contagious, I couldn’t help but match the expression. He was taking me to where it all truly began — our greatest chapter — where we started our life as husband and wife. He’d proposed to me there. We’d wed there. We’d likely conceived our daughter there because that’s where everything was magical.
It was also, apparently, going to be where our final chapter began. The beginning of our end. What a morbid thought, but it was true. I just hoped the next three days would be enough magic to make what came next, the part before the end, bearable and survivable for Liam because I needed to know that my final act wasn’t his. There was much more life for him to live, even if it was without me.
4
Calm Before the Storm…
Three days had turned to four, threatening to become five. There was no reason to rush back to the city. Reagan was having a ball with her grandparents, and as the only grandchild, they spoiled that girl rotten. In a very good way, of course.
We needed this time, and I was enjoying every minute. I’d managed to bury my woe’s deep and carry on as if nothing were wrong. I wish it could have always been this way. I wish time was infinite and I could live in this moment eternally. I didn’t want to face real life, just dance in the fantasy I was currently living. It was magic — as always.
Liam made good on his promise. We spent little time out of our cottage on the vineyard grounds. We ate in most meals, some we just skipped, but finally ventured out the final night to spend a nice dinner in the main house that boasted a small, albeit quaint, restaurant. It was perfect.
“Do we stay for one more day?” Liam asked. His eyes smoldered as they bore into me with a fiery stare.
“Your offer is tempting, but…the kiddo is going to wonder what happened to her parents if we don’t show our faces soon.” My heart pinched in that moment, but I chose to ignore it. I didn’t want to face reality until I absolutely had to. She’d wonder all right — wonder where her mother had gone when my time was up. I pushed it down.
“I suppose you’re right.” He agreed. “Let’s plan on coming back…soon.”
Soon. It would have to be damn soon. I pushed that thought down too.
“Yeah. We’ll have to see what we can work out.” That answer felt less misleading, even if it was only me, I was misleading at the moment. If Liam didn’t know, it wasn’t a fraudulent statement — that was what I told myself anyway.
“Remember when we came here once a month for like a year straight?” Liam asked, a sly glimmer in his eye.
Shit. I knew where he was going with this. We had come here every single month — to try to conceive. That was why we were certain Reagan was, well…made here. Part of that magic this place held for us. A sense of unease threatened as I wondered where this was going. For once in my life — okay, twice — I didn’t want to be right.
“How could I forget?” Safe answer. I wasn’t committing to anything in that moment. I wasn’t being set up by impossible fantasies that wouldn’t be brought to life if I just left it all right there. Leave it as I remember. Don’t encourage or feed the conversation I knew was brewing. Just…leave it.
“I was thinking we should maybe…do that again?”
Shit. He went there — where I wasn’t willing to go. This was a tough conversation. I couldn’t give him what I wanted if I was healthy, add my diagnosis to the mix, and it was just a fairytale that didn’t have a happy ending — it just had a sooner than later ending.
“Liam…” I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to say, You know I can’t have any more children. I didn’t want to say, and even if I could, my times up, buddy. Sorry.
He didn’t make me say it, thankfully. He had other ideas that would be just as painful to discuss, and I wasn’t ready to ruin the magic of the last four days. Why couldn’t I just have this one last thing — this one last grand memory where I didn’t have to live my life as a dying woman and live a dream Liam had given me?
Why? This was cruel. I was cruel. I was either going to have to crush my husband with the truth now, or crush him later knowing I’d just spent the past four days essentially lying to him while he was planning a future that was never going to be. Cruel.
“Cass, I know.” He said.
That had my attention. We were back to that — him knowing. Knowing what? Maybe he was as good of a liar as I was and had been pretending all this time too. Not pretending to be deeply and utterly head over heels in love but pretending there was nothing terrible looming on the other side of happy. Just waiting for us to get home. Waiting to destroy the joy.
“You know”— I really sucked at this —“what, Liam?”
“I know what you are going to say, and I’m not going to make you repeat it. It must be hard for you, but hear me out.”
Here we went again – knows what I’m going to say? Must be hard for me? This ro
ller coaster of what he did and did not know was getting old — really old. More than likely, it was just my own guilt making this seem like such a tumultuous ride of does he or doesn’t he know he’s about to lose me. I knew my husband and there was no way he could know that and still have had the long weekend we did. No way. That was my conscience interfering, trying to make me feel better, or maybe worse, for basically living a lie for the past several days.
Liam knew something, but not that. And given where this conversation was headed, it wasn’t going to be any easier. I guess that’s what I got for not telling him. Sure, it was selfish, but well intended selfishness — that was a thing, right? I wanted to live in the pre-cancer bubble as long as I could — what were a few more days? Was it really that awful of me to want this one last rendezvous with the man I loved? This was as much for him as it was for me…wasn’t it? When he looked back at our life together, he’d have this, just like I did.
I’d spent the past few days making the memory of all memories — partly out of guilt, but mostly because I needed it, needed him, like this, one last time. The minute I told him, everything would change, and I didn’t want it to change, not yet, not until the very last minute at the end of our trip.
“Cass?” Liam interrupted my thoughts, bringing me back to the moment I’d just been mulling over. I must have been getting good at this pretending thing because without a flinch, I jumped back into my role and plastered on an adoring smile. “Where’d you go just now? Did I spook you or something?”
“Spook me? Oh no, just thinking about…what you said.” I continued to smile — he was buying it.
“So, you do know where I’m going with this? Have you been thinking about this too?” His tone was almost giddy. “We always do that — it’s like we’re in each other’s heads, always finishing each other’s thoughts!”
This was brutal.
“I guess that depends. Tell me what you’re thinking…” I said, not willing to give anything away.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to upset you.” He reached across the table for my hand.
There was no way he could upset me anymore than I was — it didn’t get much deeper than this. I just nodded, willing my emotions to stay in check.
“Another baby. A little sister or brother for Reagan. She’s old enough. We’re in a good place — you’re in a good place,” he said, so full of hope, it stung. “Is that…what you were…thinking?”
He went there. He fucking went there. So much for denial and willing those emotions to stay at bay. It all came to head and poured over. I’d lost all control. Liam slid around the table we were seated at and wrapped an arm around me while he brushed away tears I hadn’t realized were flooding my expression.
“Oh, Jesus, Cass. I thought…I mean…shit. You weren’t thinking this at all, were you? I just assumed we’d…you know…have more children eventually.”
Shaking my head, I tried to collect myself. “No. Don’t be sorry. It’s a valid…assumption. I just…I don’t know why I’m crying. I love being here with you, and I love the idea of returning, but…”
This was where I was supposed to come clean. I was supposed to say something like, “I’d love to, but we need to talk…” Or, “there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…” I was supposed to be honest and quit stringing him along, but I was overcome with the need to drag this out. I’d like to think I was sparing his heart a brutal blow, but really…I was sparing myself. It was that selfish thing again, or maybe I was a coward? A selfish coward living in denial. I was a disgusting liar bound to hurt the man I cherished more than anything worse than I would have had I just…been…honest.
Honesty eluded me. “Liam, I thought you understood. This is permanent, nothing we can do about it — I can’t have any more children. The cancer…it took that away from us.”
And it was about to take so much more — but I left that part out. That hole I’d been digging just kept getting deeper and deeper. I was digging my own grave, literally and figuratively.
“I know that. Shit.” Liam slid back to his spot on the other end of the half-moon bench that made up the booth we were sitting at. “I’m so sorry. I sound like such an asshole.”
Great. Now he felt bad when it was me who owned the asshole title. He hadn’t done anything wrong and now had a heavy heart, and it was entirely my fault. I was really making a mess for myself to clean up — if I could clean it up. I’d let my charade and secret drag out too long.
“Cass, I meant adoption. I guess I should have started with that. I just assumed you knew where my head was. I’m sorry.”
“Oh.” Yeah, oh was all I could say. I should have been apologizing and pleading for forgiveness, but I said oh. “You said come back every month like we did when we were trying to have Reagan, I just assumed—”
“Yeah. I just thought we could, you know, play the part.” He waggled his eyebrows.
Ugh, I was already playing a part, and it was killing me — probably faster than the cancer.
“Practice.” I offered him that same smile I’d been giving all night. The one that said there wasn’t a damn thing wrong in the world. The smile that was my greatest lie to date. “I like where your head’s at, O’Reilly.”
Liam signed the check on the table before reaching for my hand and pulling me to my feet along with him. “Let’s get out of here. We have one more night, and I plan to spend the whole thing practicing. Care to join me?”
I followed his lead as he swept me away, out of the building, and down the path that led to various cottages sprinkled along the property. He jumped up on a bench, running its length, then twirled me at the end before he hopped down and continued on. Winded from the run, I tugged at his hand, trying to catch my breath between laughs. We stood under a chandelier hovering above a round courtyard-like area where the lone path broke into several leading all over the grounds, each illuminated by a strand of lights that fed from the chandelier’s center.
It was a magical spot in a magical place on a magical weekend with a spectacular man. Liam wrapped his arms around me, and our once fast movement became a subtle sway to music only we could hear. These were the moments I would cherish most — moments just like this one. I hoped it would be one he carried forever too.
“I love you, Mrs. O’Reilly. More than anything.” And he kissed me, hard, full of meaning and promises I knew he wouldn’t be able to keep, but I didn’t care. This moment was everything I’d lived for and was grateful to have one last time. I would cherish it as I would cherish him for all of eternity. Just this one…last moment. This one…last…kiss.
“I love you too, Mr. O’Reilly. Forever and always. Bigger than you’ll ever know. Don’t ever forget that.”
With fire in his eyes, Liam just stared at me, speechless, expressionless. For the first time, I couldn’t read him. Was my plea suspicious? Was he pondering my choice of words? I’d said every one of them to him before, but never together…not with such intensity and desperation to get him to hear just how much I loved him, and I couldn’t tell if he saw right through it and became suspicious or was simply moved by the need he sensed in my words.
If I needed anything, in that moment, it was for him to know just how madly, deeply, and desperately I loved him — to the point of painful — that was how big and hard I loved this man. It was taking everything I had to keep it together while trying to convey that with just a handful of words.
Before he could respond and I could dig that hole I’d been nurturing a little deeper…it began to rain. It wasn’t a light mist or subtle drizzle, it came down hard and with a thunderous roar. Timing couldn’t have been better. I needed that rain, needed it to hide the tears I could no longer withhold. Tears of joy, tears of sorrow, tears of sadness, tears of happiness. I was all of those things right then and more. I was in pain, I was lost, I was full of regret. This man was my everything, and I was misleading him and letting him hold onto what would never be possible.
I was taking so
mething from him — taking his right to grieve. That was what would happen, right? A person didn’t have to be gone for someone to grieve them — you didn’t just grieve what you’ve lost, but also what you’re losing… That was the step right before anger, right? It had only been a handful of days, but those days could have been spent reconciling emotions and preparing for what was left of our future, preparing for the end.
So, I laughed, because he laughed, as we danced in the rain, and…I cried. I was at war with myself. As much as I was overwhelmed with guilt, there was pleasure — pleasure in knowing despite what I was robbing him of, I was giving him these days together. Was that so wrong? Did he have a right to decide that, or was it okay I had decided it for us? I had planned to tell him the morning after I found out, but I didn’t know he had planned this trip.
I was justifying my actions by deflecting and blaming him for my choices. I didn’t tell him because he ruined the plan by surprising me with a romantic weekend — how dare he. I wasn’t a terrible person, but in that moment, I felt like one. A confused and conflicted asshole.
Pushing all that down, as I had been for days, I played the part. The one I’d mastered the past few days where I’d pretended there was nothing wrong and everything was okay. Where I’d smile and laugh when I wanted to cry and fall apart. I’d push it down. One more day. One more day, and I’d tell him everything. But first, I needed to give him this, and I would be okay with it, I had to be. He deserved this.
Liam twisted me around one last time with a final twirl. “Let’s get out of this rain, baby. It’s not good for you. Let me warm you up by the fire and show you all the ways I love you.”
So, we did, we’d paused our dance, there’d be time for that, in front of the fire, I was sure. But just as quickly as the magic started, it came to a screeching halt when we were halfway to down the path to our cottage and ran into another couple trying to get out of the rain.
Brother's Keeper V: Wylie (the complete series BOX SET): NEW RELEASE + Series Box SET included! Page 57
