This was another one of those twists of fate. You know, the type that seemed to be endless these past days. The ones where you wonder if the universe was just a bully and had its sights on you.
Of all the people in the world we could have run into at our favorite little escape from our lives in the city, it couldn’t have been a stranger, or even a family member or parents from Reagans play group. No, life wasn’t that kind to me, and the more deceptive I became with my secret, the more life handed me lemons — sans the vodka to make a stiff drink — and it fucked with me.
This time, it wasn’t my conscience. It was exactly what I deserved like a little visit from mother karma herself. It didn’t pay to keep secrets. They always came out. I was learning that lesson the hard way as I stood in a puddle deeper than my shoes in the middle of a rainstorm at the most unlikely place on earth to come toe to toe with Dr. Rick Mendoza…of all people.
What was this? How was this happening? The silence between us was deafening as he looked from me to Liam, then back to me, clearly unsure what to say. I was probably the last person he’d expected to see galivanting around in this weather at the winery on a romantic weekend with my husband seeming to have zero shits to give…when he knew I should have had plenty to give.
“Mendoza,” Liam said, offering his hand. “What brings you out here, man?”
“Oh. Some friends. They got married…here.” Mendoza made eye contact with me, more so than Liam, like I’d just put him on the spot. He had the same question for us. “Uh, how about you two?”
Liam wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him when he noticed my shiver. I wasn’t cold; I was frightened. Frightened it was all about to come out in the open, right here, right now, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. The storm seemed so fitting at that moment.
“We needed some time away,” Liam said, to which Dr. Mendoza raised his brow.
I prayed like I’d never prayed before. I delivered a request for grace, favor, anything I could get. I hoped like hell that time away wasn’t misinterpreted. That Mendoza didn’t take that as time to get away and prepare for what was coming. I begged the universe and was all but on my knees pleading…I just needed this one night. I needed this night with Liam, and I’d make it all right tomorrow.
“I see,” Rick said, his gaze back on me. “Everything…okay?”
I couldn’t describe the look I gave him in reply. I think it was something like big, unblinking eyes and a subtle shake of my head, but maybe not. The message was clear enough, though, because I received a similar look in return — he read what I was trying to communicate. What had me by surprise more than anything was his wife, Lucy. The way she looked at me with sadness and something else. Maybe disappointment. She knew.
Rick had told her my prognosis, and she didn’t agree with me not telling Liam. I might have been wrong on that last part, maybe she wasn’t judging me and that was just my guilty conscience again, but she definitely knew, and that deepened the sadness I felt for my husband. He wouldn’t be second to know — hell, not even third. He’d be the fourth to know, and that felt awful.
“Everything’s great,” Liam said, enthusiasm dripping from his words.
Dr. Mendoza flinched at that enthusiasm. His wife Lucy flinched as well. Now, Liam almost looked like a fool, and it was my doing.
“Yeah,” Liam went on. “I’ve been working a lot and thought I better take my wife away on a romantic weekend before she leaves me.”
Leave him. If he only knew how close to true his words were. Liam laughed earnestly, but for the rest of us, it was forced. That knife I’d been carrying in my gut twisted a little tighter.
Of course, it didn’t stop there. Liam wasn’t done because the universe wasn’t done with me.
“We were actually talking about the possibility of…” he looked at me with a proud smile, holding his jacket over us as if it were enough to keep us dry in the downpour, “expanding our family.”
Dr. Mendoza’s brow shot up in surprise, his wife’s gaze quickly went to the ground while she cleared her throat like it was the root of her reaction, and my heart sank. I was getting what I deserved.
“Oh, really?” Dr. Mendoza asked. “That’s great.”
Really, what was the man supposed to say?
Lucy lifted her head, smile intact, and said, “That sounds lovely. We wish you all the best.”
I’d dragged them into my lie and felt even worse than I had before — something I hadn’t thought was possible. I hadn’t meant for any of this to happen. Hell, nobody chooses this.
“Thank you,” Liam replied. “Hey, go get inside out of this rain. It was great seeing you! Let’s get together soon. It’s been too long.”
That knife in my gut twisted again — if he only knew just how often we were going to get together, with Dr. Mendoza anyway.
“You got it.” Mendoza looked my way and gave a knowing nod. “You two take care, okay?”
They were off before either of us could say a word. It didn’t faze Liam, not one bit. He was still wearing that smile the idea of expanding our family provoked.
“This isn’t working,” he said, and I just stared. Of course none of it was working, but in my world, those words meant something entirely different than that in his at the moment.
“Hold this, both hands,” he said, referring to the jacket, and I obliged. I held that sopping mess up high above our heads as best I could, given he had at least six inches on me.
In one sudden swoop, he cradled me in his arms and began to run. I held the jacket high, but it was pointless. We were soaked to the core and all we could do was laugh. So, we did. Until it hurt. When we made it to the cottage, I reached down and entered in the code to let us in, and Liam finally put me down when we were in front of the fire. I couldn’t believe we’d left it on while we were out, but I was glad we had.
I was a mix of joy and sorrow. This man made every moment happy and made sure I knew how loved I was. If only I could enjoy it without that inkling of guilt that wouldn’t leave me alone, not even for the night — one last night…before our lives changed forever and one ended.
“I’ll be right back,” I said, making my way to the bathroom.
A primal growl escaped Liam as he began to strip himself of his wet clothes right there in front of the fire. “Hurry back.” His eagerness to please was on full display like an offer tempting me to follow his instruction. “Without your clothes, Cass.”
My head fell back with a sharp sultry gasp, his promise striking my core, leaving me with a swarm of heat fluttering low in my belly. I disappeared to the bathroom, locked the door behind me, turned on the sink, stared back at the reflection in the mirror, and watched her cry.
I’d make all of this right.
As right as I could.
I wouldn’t hurt him anymore than I had.
I’d tell him tomorrow.
First, I’d show him every way I loved him, inch by inch…
5
The Truth Hurts…
Liam was livid — maybe with me, maybe with the cancer, maybe with himself for not seeing it or being able to protect me—or us—from it. Telling him didn’t go as planned, but none of this had followed any kind of script.
Guilty conscience aside, we’d had an incredible handful of days together. I didn’t realize just how much until we were there, and it had nothing to do with the cancer and everything to do with reconnecting. There weren’t any problems in our marriage, but work had kept Liam busy, and Reagan kept me busy — we just needed to meet each other in the middle and be husband and wife for a minute. It took breaking my husband’s heart to know just how much…
We’d arrived home from our trip, riding the high non-stop sex, laughter, and love will leave you with. Despite the continuous war I was at with my heart and mind, I did believe I was in a better place to discuss the future than I had been. I’d needed that time to reconcile my emotions and get things in perspective, even if it had been difficult to h
ide and toyed with my mind often.
I suppose everyone has a limit, and I’d met mine when we’d walked in the door. We came home to an overjoyed toddler whose enthusiasm could only be met by Liam’s newfound excitement for life. Colleen, his mother, stayed as Reagan welcomed us home with multiple crafts she’d done in our absence, baked goods she’d assisted with, and a detailed play by play that outlined every minute of her time with her grandparents.
It was late evening by the time she yawned, finally to the end of her story when I let her give out last minute goodnight hugs and put her to bed. That was always my favorite time of day. There was something about laying in her bed with her and reading a bedtime story as she drifted off to dream about her every fantasy that could make any bad day end good. Children were magical that way.
With a final kiss to her sweet forehead, I tucked our daughter in and left her to whatever adventures danced in her imagination. I closed the door behind me and headed down the hall, back to Liam and his mother. Something in the tone of his distant, muffled voice had me on alert, and my pace quickened.
“We even made some plans that’ll make you happy, Ma.” I could hear him more clearly. “We talked about—”
“Liam…” I said, a little more urgently than I’d intended. “It’s late. Let your Ma go home. There will be plenty of time to talk Sunday.”
Sunday was a sacred day for the O’Reilly clan — it was family dinner night. Colleen O’Reilly treated every Sunday like it was a holiday and anyone who missed without a reason she found legitimate endured her wrath. She wasn’t as awful as that sounded. In fact, she was the kindest woman with a heart of gold.
But pissing her off by missing family dinner guaranteed a lengthy guilt trip full of I wish I knew what I did to upset you so much you couldn’t come and spend two hours with your family type comments. She took that shit seriously, and personally. It would take weeks — months if you weren’t a first-time offender — to get off her list, sans guilt.
“Oh, it’s just Ma, Cass,” he said, still wearing that unknowing smile. “And nothing is set in stone. We have time to figure out the details, but it’s a step in the right—”
“No.” My voice cracked. “It’s not. We aren’t…”
“Cass, we talked about this. I thought—”
“No, you talked about it, I listened.” I didn’t mean to sound harsh, and I had no right to make him out to be the asshole when this was all my doing. Had I just told him, we could have avoided the awkward confrontation.
He stepped toward me, reaching for my hands. The concern in his expression pained me — it was only going to get worse. “Cassidy, it’s okay. If you don’t want to, we don’t have to. I just thought—”
“I want to, okay?” My voice raised as those feelings I’d carefully tucked away and battled to keep at bay forced their way to the surface like a tsunami designed to devastate everything in its path. “I would love nothing more than to have another child with you — to expand our family by whatever means we have to—”
An excited gasp from Colleen stopped me from finishing my thought. My goal was to stop Liam from saying anything that was just going to make the truth that much more painful, and instead, I made it painful. I just dragged her into my web of lies and deception, and it was too late to undo it all.
“Then, let’s do it. Let’s…have another baby. When you’re ready, baby. It doesn’t have to be now. We can wait — maybe when Reagan’s a little older.”
A sob escaped me. I didn’t know how others did this. How did one live with knowing their future is limited while taking those they love down with them? How was I supposed to say the words? How was I supposed to break his heart while shattering my mother in-laws as a bonus? I couldn’t find a softer way to say it because there wasn’t one. There wasn’t a gentle conversation over tea and scones with an oh, by the way attached — there wasn’t a Hallmark card for this — and there certainly wasn’t an instruction manual or get out of jail card…errr…cancer. It was just fucking hard.
Before I could wrap my mind around my thoughts or emotions, I blurted it out. I just said it…
“No babies, Liam,” I cried. “There won’t be a baby, or babies. There won’t be—”
I just cried. An uncontrollable wave of sorrow washed through me and came out as a wailing howl.
I shook my head, like I didn’t believe my own secret. But no matter how much I wanted this to be the lie, it was my truth—and the truth fucking hurt.
“Liam. It’s back. The cancer is back.”
I collapsed to my knees, burying my face in my hands to protect myself from the vision of those words boring holes in the hearts of my loved ones. I couldn’t watch, I didn’t want to see it, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t able to spare my ears of the deep, guttural moan that was Liam’s pain or the pitchy no that fell from Colleen’s mouth just before she cried.
Big, strong arms wrapped around me, steadying me while lending me a shoulder to bury my face in so I could hold him back.
“Wh-What did you say?” Liam asked, his voice a near whisper. “How? How do you know? Maybe…you’re just tired. This — it can all be fixed.”
With his finger hooked under my chin, Liam lifted, forcing me to face what I had done—insisting I see the devastation, confusion, and disbelief.
“No.” I watched the color drain from his face as the words settled in. “It’s not a mistake. The cancer is…back.”
“But…” He didn’t utter another word, he didn’t have to. His expression said everything. The shock was wearing off, realization taking its place. He was piecing things together. He was a brilliant man, I expected no less.
He took to his feet, helping me to mine. And then, it happened—the third stage of grief, or maybe it was the fourth or fifth…I didn’t know. But I saw it. Anger.
“You’ve known.”
I nodded. “A few days.”
“A few…” Liam turned from me, running his hands through his hair. I could see him trying to maintain control of his tone…and anger. Hands firmly placed on his hips, he turned back to me. “How long is a few, Cassidy?”
I blinked. For some reason, that’s what I was focused on. Why was I blinking so rapidly, like there was something in my eye? I stood there, staring back at Liam, focused on my blinking. No matter how much I tried, it didn’t ease, and I couldn’t pull my attention away from it. It was like survival mode — if I concentrated on the blinking, I wouldn’t have to address Liam’s questions, therefore avoid breaking him with the truth he was asking for. I was being selfish again.
“Cassidy,” he said, his tone even, “how long?”
The even tone was worse than the previous. I knew it took great control to exhibit such. The calmer Liam got, the more livid he was. He had this incredible ability to maintain a level temper even when a situation didn’t deserve it.
“I…uh, found out the day we left,” I admitted, trying to match his control. Losing my emotional shit wasn’t going to help the situation — I was taking a lesson from my husband. “That’s why I was late the other day when I met you in the lobby.”
“Jesus, Cass!” Liam shouted.
“Liam.” Colleen intervened, mindful not to interfere, but to remind him to be fair, I assumed. Colleen was always fair.
“What?” He raised his voice at his mother, earning a daring glare in return. “My job is to protect my family, Ma. Not taking my sick wife on wild adventures to the middle of nowhere. We should have been here. How am I supposed to protect her?” He began to cry. “To help her and keep her safe if I don’t know…if I don’t know it’s back?”
“I was going to tell you.” Isn’t that what everyone says as soon as they’re caught in the middle of their own shit-storm of lies? “I didn’t expect to run into you in the lobby. Hell, I didn’t even expect you to be home yet.”
Liam tossed his arms out to his sides in frustration. “Oh. So, this is my fault? You didn’t tell me because I wasn’t supposed to be home yet?”
“No. Liam, stop. I wasn’t expecting you until late that night. I needed to wrap my own mind around it before I could tell anyone. I thought I had the night. I was going to tell you the next day.”
I knew his anger wasn’t for me, he was just disappointed I hadn’t told him sooner. He was angry at the cancer, maybe God, and anything that looked at him cross-eyed at the moment. He was entitled to that.
“But instead, you decided…what? It could just wait until you got around to it? After the trip, maybe after, I don’t know, Reagan went to college? Jesus, Cass, this is a big deal, a really big fucking deal.”
“You don’t think I know that? I’ve had days to think about it, alone, while knowing what was coming.”
“Alone? Cass, I’m right here. I’ve been right here.” He rested his hands at my hips and bent down to my eye level. “I’ve been here, Cass. You were never alone with anything. You could have — no, you should have told me. I’m your husband, dammit. We should have stayed here, started treatment.”
“I wanted to. I really did, but I also wanted our time away. I didn’t want to ruin it,” I defended. “You’d planned this beautiful thing — I wanted you to have that trip. I couldn’t take that away too.”
“Take that away too? What…what do you mean? What else would…?”
He understood. In that very moment, he knew what I was protecting him from. Liam knew exactly what he was going to lose. Me.
“No.” He shook his head and backed away. “No. You had no right, Cass. You had no right to keep that from me, and you have no right to decide…you don’t get to decide what happens here. We’re going to fight this. We are going to go to Dr. Mendoza…”
More pieces of the puzzle. Liam continued to back away, nearing the front door. “Mendoza. We just saw him, and he knew. You both let me go on like a fucking fool. I-I can’t do this right now.”
“Liam, don’t go,” I cried. “Don’t leave. Not now.”
Brother's Keeper V: Wylie (the complete series BOX SET): NEW RELEASE + Series Box SET included! Page 58
