Love Lessons

by Margaret Daley

  Jana looked at him for a long moment. “Yes, but I would rather have gone with you and Alexa. Maybe we can go back after the fifteenth. I know that Alexa would love the fields of wildflowers. One reminded me of a skirt she wears a lot.”

  The image flashed into his mind of Alexa in the skirt that his daughter was talking about. A smile graced Alexa’s lips. A twinkle danced in her eyes. His heart slowed to a throb. After this encounter with Tracy, he knew that he couldn’t commit to anyone else until he figured out the mess his life had become. The fury he’d felt today had consumed him, taking all his peace and contentment and destroying it. He couldn’t keep going on like this.

  Was it as simple as Alexa said? Forgive Tracy—let go of the hurt and hate that controlled his life? In that moment he felt his life was out of his control, crumbling piece by piece and shattering all around him.

  “Daddy, I love you.” Jana threw her arms around him.

  He relished the hug from his daughter and her words. “I love you, pumpkin.”

  The sound of the phone echoed through the house. “I’ll get this in my office.” If it was Tracy wanting to talk some more about Jana visiting her, he didn’t want his daughter overhearing the conversation.

  On the fifth ring he grabbed the receiver on his desk. “Hello.”

  “How did everything go today with Jana and her mother?”

  Hearing the soft lilt of Alexa’s voice soothed him. He sank into his chair. He closed his eyes and relished the connection with her, if only for a brief time. “She had a good time, but Tracy stayed to talk to me about Jana visiting her in June in Arizona.”

  “Did you agree?”

  “No. I don’t want her to go.”

  “Does Jana know about the invitation?”

  “Yes. Her mother made sure of that.” A bitter taste coated his tongue.

  “How does Jana feel about going?”

  Ian’s clasp tightened around the phone. “I think she’d like to. I don’t think she wants to disappoint her mother. Too bad Tracy didn’t think about her daughter like that.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Alexa, I don’t know. I told Jana I would talk with her therapist about this, but I don’t want her to go.”

  “What are you afraid will happen?”

  Afraid? His thoughts came to a grinding halt.

  “Ian?”

  “I’m still here.” He sucked in a breath. “Losing Jana.”

  “You won’t. She loves you. Do you want me to come over? We can talk this through if you need a sounding board.”

  “No.” He bit the word out through clenched teeth. He couldn’t deal with seeing her beautiful face right now. I love you, Alexa. And for that reason he didn’t want her to see him grappling with his whole life, trying to find a solution to his problems and get his life back on track.

  “Okay, I’ll see you two at church tomorrow.”

  “We won’t be there. Tracy is coming by for breakfast with Jana tomorrow before she and her husband head out of town.” It had been set up before the bombshell from Tracy, or he would never have agreed to Tracy coming over tomorrow morning. “Jana wants to fix it. Show her mom what she’s learned from you.”

  “Then I’ll be at your house Monday morning bright and early.”

  When he hung up, he clutched the arms of his chair and stared straight ahead. Lord, if You have a solution, please clue me in. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do anymore.

  No brilliant idea came to mind. Nothing.

  His attention swung to the pile of work on his desk. He knew sleep would evade him, so he decided to complete as much work as he could tonight. Keep himself busy so he didn’t have to think of the chaos he felt his life had become. He loved a woman he shouldn’t. The realization struck him with a gut-wrenching punch because Alexa deserved so much more from a man than he could give. Listening to her tonight firmed that in his mind. He needed to let her go to do what she’d dreamed of. She was young and in a different place than he was. He had obligations and commitments while she didn’t. He had Jana to think about, while Alexa was free to do what she wanted.

  For the next hour Ian tried to concentrate on the tax forms he was filling out for a client, but his mind wandered. Every time he got a new e-mail he checked it, anything not to work. When he saw that Alexa sent him a message, he gave up pretending, especially after he read her email.

  I was reading my Bible before going to bed, preparing for a lesson tomorrow in my Sunday-school class. This verse leaped off the page, and I knew I had to send it to you. It’s from Ephesians’ fourth chapter. “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” I hope that helps you through your dilemma.

  The verse stuck in his mind and wouldn’t let him go. Over and over it played through his thoughts as though the Lord had sent him a personal message—an answer to his problems. Forgive Tracy. Let go of the anger controlling you—causing you to live in the past.

  Alexa had only e-mailed him one other time—a link to a homeschooling site she’d found on the Internet. That had been two months ago. He didn’t believe in coincidences. Earlier he’d asked for help. Was this it?

  Ian shut down the computer and went in search of his Bible. He needed to do some reading and soul-searching tonight. He knew he couldn’t continue as he was—so full of anger toward Tracy that he was powerless to move forward. This wasn’t how he wanted to live, and he would start with the verse Alexa sent him.

  When Ian opened the door for Alexa on Monday morning, a smile curved his mouth and hope blossomed in her. Saturday night on the spur of the moment she had sent him that Bible verse, but hadn’t talked to him since then. She’d almost called him several times yesterday, but had refrained, although it had been one of the hardest things she’d done.

  “How’s everything?” What happened yesterday with breakfast? Did you and Tracy talk anymore? She squeezed her lips together to keep those questions inside.

  “Better.”

  Okay. She couldn’t keep totally quiet. “How did breakfast go with Tracy?”

  “I told her Jana could come see her if the therapist thought it would be all right, but that I would accompany my daughter. We would stay in a hotel near her house and would take it slow and easy. I don’t want my daughter backsliding.” He glanced toward the kitchen then back at Alexa. “I took what you sent me to heart. I can’t keep going on being angry at Tracy. I let it go yesterday.”

  “And how do you feel?”

  He blinked as though he hadn’t really stopped and thought about his feelings since doing it. “Frankly, good. As though I’m free. I know there will be days when I’ll still struggle, but I don’t want my past to control my life anymore. I didn’t like what was happening to me with Tracy’s appearance, the anger that consumed me.”

  “Good.” He’d taken a big step forward. Her hope mushroomed even more. Maybe they had a chance. She wanted that, and yet she had to let the people at the foundation know if she was going to accept the scholarship. She needed to talk to Ian about it.

  Jana came from the kitchen, munching on a piece of toast with grape jelly. “Alexa, I found some more goose eggs this morning when I was outside with Sugar. Two of them built a nest in our yard under the bushes near the water.”

  “How neat! You’ll be able to follow their progress. Let’s make that the next animal you study.”

  “Way ahead of you. I’ve already gone online to find out more about geese. Come on into the den and I’ll show you.”

  “I’ll be with you in a few minutes. I need to talk to your dad about something.”

  Jana glanced from her to her father then back to her, a twinkle in her eye. “Oh, take your time. It’ll give me a chance to find out more information.”

  The little matchmaker was at work again, Alexa thought with a smile. When the child left, she turned to Ian and said, “Let’s talk in your office.”

  “This sounds serious. Is
something wrong?”

  Alexa walked toward the room. “Well, no, not exactly.”

  When he entered behind her, he closed the door. “Is it about the scholarship? Have you accepted it?”

  “Not yet. I have until the sixteenth.” Give me a reason to stay in Tallgrass. I love you.

  “You need to.”

  It wasn’t a question, and although his expression was neutral, his tone of voice held resignation. She nodded. “I know, but…” She couldn’t say the rest out loud.

  “Why wouldn’t you tell them yes? This is a great opportunity.”

  She had to seize the moment and see if they had a chance together. She would regret it if she didn’t say something. “I could stay if I thought you and me…” Again her words trailed off as she stared into his face, a shutter descending over his features. She’d never struggled so much to say what was on her mind. The stakes were high, and yet she was at a loss as to what to say.

  “No, you were meant to go. This is your dream. You can’t turn your back on it.”

  “I thought the past few months a relationship—I mean, you kissed me,” she finally said when she couldn’t quite say what she was really feeling.

  When he was agitated, he would rake his hand through his hair, which was what he did right now. “We shared a few kisses and I really like you, but you need to do this for yourself. My home is here. Yours is somewhere else.” He threw a glance over his shoulder at the work stacked on his desk. “I need to finish some tax preparation for my clients. It’s only a few days to the deadline.”

  “Yeah, sure.” Alexa pivoted toward the door. Her deadline was a few days away, too.

  Before she left, Ian said, “Please don’t tell Jana. Let me explain to her that you got the scholarship.”

  “All right,” she murmured with her back to him. Then she hurried from the office before she broke down and cried. She’d all but told him she’d wanted to stay because of him. And he’d told her to go.

  “Jana, I need to talk with you.” Ian sat on the couch next to his daughter in the den.

  She put down her paper and pencil on the end table next to her. “Is it about going to see Mom?”

  “Well, no, but since your therapist okayed it today, I’ll let your mom know we’ll be there the first week in June. But at any time during the visit, if you feel anxious and upset, I need to know.” Although, after over a year, he knew Jana’s signs when she was becoming agitated, and he wouldn’t hesitate to step in and cut the trip short if he had to for his daughter.

  “I will. I’ve been looking into some places we could go while we’re out there. Did you know there are some great Indian ruins not too far from Phoenix?”

  “No, but maybe we could drive out there and see some things along the way.” He’d much rather delve into the various sightseeing opportunities than talk to his daughter about Alexa leaving, but he couldn’t postpone it any longer. He’d already waited four days until they had gone to the therapist. He’d wanted to get the visit with her mother settled before telling Jana Alexa got the scholarship and would leave Tallgrass at the end of the year. That she would be gone for at least three years—possibly longer.

  “What do you want to talk to me about?”

  Jana’s question focused him on what he had to do, although his gut knotted into a huge ball. He drew in a fortifying breath and said, “Alexa got the scholarship she’d applied for. She’s already making plans to go to school full-time in the summer and next fall. She’ll graduate next December.”

  “And leave Tallgrass after that?”

  He nodded, his throat tight. When he’d told Alexa she couldn’t turn down the chance to fulfill a dream, he hadn’t told her how he’d come to love her. He didn’t want to stand in her way, but keeping those words inside had been the hardest thing he’d done in a long time. The urge to grab her and hold her against him, keep her near, had inundated him Monday evening when they’d talked about the scholarship.

  Jana dropped her head, grasping her hands in her lap. “Why does she have to leave?”

  “Because that’s part of accepting the money to finish school. She has to fulfill the obligation of teaching in an underdeveloped country for three years. She wants to do it.”

  “But what about you two? I saw ya kiss her. Don’t ya want her to stay? Don’t ya care about her?”

  “Yes, I care about Alexa. I love…” He couldn’t finish saying the words. When he said them aloud, it would be real. Not that it wasn’t real now.

  “I knew you did! I knew it!” Jana grinned from ear to ear. “Now all ya have to do is tell her.”

  His feelings for Alexa had snuck up on him. She’d become important to him when he wasn’t looking. But he couldn’t stop her from doing what she wanted, had dreamed about since she was in high school. Alexa needed to do this before she settled down with a family of her own. But the thought of her with another man burned a hole in his gut.

  “Jana, I know you care about Alexa and don’t want her to leave, but sometimes we have to do things for people we lo—care about for them, not us. Who knows? Maybe she’ll come back to Tallgrass.” Although he doubted it—three years would change her and her feelings. On Monday she’d indicated she cared for him, but she was only twenty-three. Those feelings would change once she was away from Tallgrass. She’d forget about him.

  Jana turned totally toward him, a gleam in her eyes. “We could go with her. That would be perfect. We could see the world, help others.”

  Stunned by his daughter’s suggestion, Ian just stared at her, her words swirling around in his mind. Leave Tallgrass? His home for almost half his life? Where he had his business? Where he knew what to expect most of the time?

  “Pumpkin, it isn’t that simple.”

  Her mouth a thin line, she straightened. “Why not?”

  “It just isn’t.” He rose, a picture of him, Alexa and Jana trekking all over the world, one unknown adventure after another. His daughter needed stability. He needed stability. Didn’t he? “I’ve got a few things I need to take care of in the office, then you and I can go out to dinner if you want.”

  “Sure,” Jana mumbled, her head down again.

  Ian escaped into his office and stared at his desk, neat now. In order. Like his life?

  There was nothing that felt as if he was in control. In fact, he felt the opposite ever since Alexa stormed into his life. She’d swept away all the old perceptions he’d had about what he wanted. But this wasn’t about what he wanted. It was all about what Alexa wanted. Wasn’t that why he hadn’t said anything to her Monday evening? Hadn’t pleaded with her to stay?

  He sat for a moment at his desk, glancing around at his life as he rapped his fingers against the arm of his chair. What if he gave all this up? Took Jana and went with Alexa?

  No, he couldn’t. He surged to his feet. He couldn’t sit another moment. Marching from his office, he went to his bedroom and dug his jogging clothes out. After quickly donning them, he found Madge in the kitchen with Jana.

  “I’m going for a run. I’ll be back in an hour or so. If you need me, I have my cell.”

  “Fine,” Jana mumbled while she hovered over her glass of milk and dunked a chocolate cookie into it. She didn’t look up at him.

  Outside, Ian set a fast pace, anything to drive away the thoughts spiraling out of control in his head. No matter how hard he pushed himself, he couldn’t rid his mind that Alexa was the best thing that had happened to him. She made him feel alive. She made him realize it was okay if not everything went according to his plans.

  Lord, I don’t know if I could drop everything and leave Tallgrass to go overseas—even to help others, to be with Alexa. I love her, but I would be uprooting Jana…and me.

  As he started to cross the street, a screeching sound reverberated through the air. He stopped and looked toward where the noise came from. A car came barreling around the corner. He jumped back as it sped past him. In a blink of an eye, everything could have changed for him if he
hadn’t stopped when he did.

  Life is a risk. You can’t plan it. It has a way of throwing you a curve when you least expect it. Alexa’s words came to mind, haunting him, mocking his need to control his circumstances. Had he been able to control Tracy leaving? Jana’s problems? Only the Lord was in control and he needed to believe He had the best in mind for him and Jana.

  His cell rang. He slowed down and pulled it out of his pocket. “Yes,” he said, breathing hard, his lungs burning.

  Madge’s voice answered him. “Ian, Jana said she was going to her room. When I went to check on her, she wasn’t in there, but I found a note on her bed. She left to go to Alexa’s to talk with her.”

  He came to a halt and scanned the area. He was only five blocks away from Alexa’s, as though he’d unknowingly planned to go see her.

  “I’ll take care of it. Thanks.” Pocketing his cell, he jogged toward Alexa’s duplex.

  “Honey, how are things going in Tallgrass?” was the first thing her mom asked when she’d phoned right after Alexa had come in from class at six-thirty Thursday evening.

  “Fine.” I should be on top of the world. I’m doing what I wanted. Then why do I feel so sad?

  “You can’t fool me. You aren’t doing fine.”

  “Mom, don’t start with me.” Alexa sank onto a chair in the kitchen.

  “You didn’t say anything to Ian about how you feel about him?”

  “I told you I tried Monday night. I’ve hardly seen him this week. Remember, today is the fifteenth. A big day for a CPA. He’s been busy.”

  “Then say something tomorrow. You’re going to work tomorrow, aren’t you?”

  “Yes. My last day isn’t until the end of April.”

  “Ah, he’s keeping you around after the fifteenth. I wonder why.”

  “Because he has some things to do since he’s been so focused on doing taxes these past months.”

  “Yeah, that’s a good reason to keep you around.” Her mother’s chuckle taunted Alexa.