All My Heart (The Clover Series)

by Stewart, Danielle

  “I think your report removes all doubt from the court’s mind as to whether or not Miss Farrus had anything to do with the murder of Brent Hoyle. She’s free to go. Miss Farrus,” the judge begins, and Rebecca turns toward her, tears spilling over. “I’m sorry you’ve had to endure this trial and the separation from your child. I think it’s painfully clear at this point the dysfunction and tyranny this whole town has been living with, and I hope today can be a fresh start for everyone. I hope your daughter bounces back from this quickly. And Mr. Sutton,” the judge continues and I turn slightly, though my arm pain stops me short. “You may have paid the greatest price of all. The years you spent in prison for a crime that had no true guilty party in it must weigh very heavily on you. I know this is no comfort to you but this court offers its sincere regrets to you.”

  I haven’t completely absorbed that Brent took his own life yet or that his rage was likely fueled by something his father was doing to him. I’ve vilified him all these years. I can’t find the words to answer the judge, but she sends me a knowing look that tells me she understands.

  The EMTs are at my side and begin working on me. Their hustle and bustle breaks me away from Rebecca, and while I wish I was holding her, I know it’s not possible right now.”

  “Go with Adeline,” I say, trying to see around the men standing between us. “Hug her for me. Tell her I’ll be with her soon.”

  “I love you, Devin,” Rebecca says as she jogs toward Adeline. I don’t repeat the words back to her but smile slightly. She doesn’t need to hear me shout that; she doesn’t look back and wait for me to mouth something special to her. She charges forward because she already knows it; without any words from me, I have her back. I love her. It’s a given now.

  “I’ll stay with you,” Luke says, letting go of my arm and allowing one of the EMTs to take over.

  “I can’t ever get rid of you, can I?” I joke as I watch him wipe my blood from his hands.

  “You better hope not,” Luke shoots back as they load me onto the stretcher. “I’m always holding your shit together. Your company, your relationships, now your arm.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Devin

  Hospitals feel a little like prison. Something about the small room and metal bars on my bed are making me claustrophobic. Click steps into my room, his leg bandaged and as he limps my way, I don’t try to hide my anxiety. Maybe if he knows I’m about to freak out he’ll spring me from this place and its beeping machines and restraining IV lines.

  “You all right?” he asks me, clearly knowing the answer is no. “I was just in with Adeline and Rebecca and they’re both doing well.”

  “Good,” I say, shifting in my bed. “She’s not coming down here, is she? She’s staying with Adeline, right?”

  “I’m sure once she has Adeline settled, she’ll come down. Why?”

  “I don’t really want her here. I need some time. She can’t come in right now.” I know my words sound frantic but they’re coming out before I can get control of them.

  “Why? What’s the matter with you? Do you need the doctor to come back in?” Click asks, his hand back on the door to my room, ready to call someone in.

  “No, I’m just sitting here thinking and nothing is working out in my head. I need to sort things out before I’m ready to see her again. I can’t have her in here when I’m feeling this mixed up.”

  “Mixed up about what? You got what you wanted. You know what happened to Brent, and Rebecca is free. How can you need anything more than that?”

  I screw up my face, not believing Click doesn’t understand the problem. “He killed himself. His dad was pumping him full of drugs that made him unstable and aggressive, and he didn’t have a say in that. Do you know how long I’ve hated him? I mean a deep, down to my core, kind of hate for Brent. I didn’t kill him but I was glad he was dead. What does that make me?”

  “I’m sure at some point he realized he was taking steroids and made the choice to keep taking them. He wasn’t completely innocent in the matter, and his choice to take his life was just that, his choice.”

  “If I saw that today—a kid like that with a dad like his—I wouldn’t walk away from it. I look at Adeline and I can’t imagine how anyone could treat his child like that, treat any child like that. The kid was broken, and when he was at his lowest, I snapped his arm and ruined his chance at getting his dad off his back.”

  “You defended yourself while being attacked by someone on anabolic steroids. You used a tactical move that saved you from severe bodily harm. Don’t make it more than it is. Don’t blame yourself for something you couldn’t control.”

  “I knew he played football. I knew what I was about to do would likely break his arm. The kid was destroyed inside and I did nothing but make it worse. I hated him. I blamed him. And now he’s a victim? I don’t know what to do with that. It’s eating me up. I promised Rebecca when we were together again I’d be the man she always believed I could be, and I’m telling you right now I’m not. I’m in a tailspin.”

  “You need to stop this shit right now, Devin.” Click’s voice lacks any shred of empathy or understanding. His tone is angry and unwavering. “You have to stop thinking you are going to find answers in what’s transpiring around you. Hoyle in jail isn’t going to fix you. Knowing how Brent died isn’t going to magically take away the shit you carry around with you. Not even loving Rebecca is going to do that. You were screwed. Robbed. Alone. That does something to you. But if you keep looking everywhere for what is going to help your life move forward, you will go insane. That magic fix doesn’t exist. Nothing out there, nothing that happens, is going to take that experience away from you. It’s your cross to bear. Deal with that.”

  I bite my lip, my hands clenching down on the rails of my bed, trying to ground myself. I’m fighting to take in Click’s words because he’s given me sound advice in the past. The problem is he’s not saying what I expected to hear. “This is the worst pep talk I think I’ve ever gotten,” I admit.

  “That’s because it isn’t one. It’s a reality check. You had bad shit happen. It’s just the way it is. But the answers aren’t out in the universe somewhere waiting for you to find them.”

  “So what are you suggesting? I just crawl into a cave and give up? How do I move on from this? How do I live and be happy?”

  “You do your absolute best to keep it all out of your mind as much as possible. You fight it. Every day you beat back those voices in your head until they get quieter and quieter. And on the days you lose, on the days it’s too loud to ignore, you make sure you’re surrounded by people who are willing to ride it out with you. People who will help you carry that load. There is no cure for this, Devin. There’s just medicine to keep it at bay. And those people, they are your medicine.”

  I close my eyes and center around that thought. I have built a small army around me. A group of people willing to stand next to me, even when I’ve shown them my worst colors. And as I open my eyes and look at Click it hits me, why his advice permeates my brain so effectively. It’s because he’s living it too. What I’m not sure about is whether or not he knows that.

  “Do me one favor, Click,” I say, my grip on the bed rails relaxing some, “make sure you’re taking your own advice.”

  His silence speaks volumes to me as he drops his head slightly and aligns his eyes with his boots. “You got me there,” he admits. “I’m not sure if this will help but I can tell you that Olivia called me a few minutes ago. She said Hoyle had made some statements about Brent’s death. While you’re feeling this way, it’s better to let you hear it all now so you can process it and get on with it. It will all come out eventually.”

  “He covered it all up, right? He knew it was suicide and he was covering his ass.”

  “Yes. He came home with Brent after getting his arm set and his wife was still out. He and his son were arguing and Brent went up to his room. When Hoyle heard the gunshot, he knew what had happened. He came in and saw
his son dead. He locked the bedroom door and told his wife that his son wanted to be alone. He called in a friend to clear the scene, though he isn’t naming names. A fire was started, hoping it would hide the evidence. A neighbor noticed it quicker than Hoyle had expected and it was put out before it could do as much damage as Hoyle had hoped.”

  “Did he say why he pinned it on me? Why work so hard to put me in jail for it? He didn’t want to get busted about the steroids? He didn’t want people to know what his torture did to his son?”

  “Who knows if he’s telling the truth or not about that?” Click shrugs.

  “But he did say something?” I press.

  “Yes, he said he didn’t want his son to be seen as weak. Someone who would give up and kill himself. He didn’t want people to know his son was a quitter. You were an easy target to pin it on since the two of you had fought. Hoyle pulled all the strings and thought he had everything covered. Putting you in prison was his way of protecting his son’s legacy in some backward way.”

  “You have to be fucking kidding me? A quitter? Even now he thinks his son was not good enough. He’s a crazy son of a bitch who didn’t deserve a kid. I will never understand him. I will never understand how you can destroy your own child in the name of trying to make him stronger.”

  “I hope none of us ever understands it. All you can do is be better than that. If you were there today, who you are right now, and you saw a guy like Hoyle bashing a kid like Brent, would you do something?”

  “You bet your ass I would. Maybe I couldn’t see them then, but I bet there were signs, and today I’d never let that shit slide. I’d never watch a kid suffer like that."

  “Well that’s something, I guess.” Click pulls up the chair next to my bed. “If you’re in here debating how shitty your life is and how many mistakes you’ve made, you certainly won’t be able to help anyone. If there is another Brent out there in the world, and you have any hope of making a difference for him, you need to pull yourself together.”

  “You’re right.” I reflect on the life I can have in front of me if I only get out of my own damn way. “Do me a favor, Click. Can you go find Rebecca? I want to ask her something.”

  Click leaves the room and a couple minutes later a worn-down Rebecca steps into my hospital room.

  “Are you feeling okay?” she asks as she sits in the chair. “The doctor said you have a good prognosis. You should heal up fine.”

  “The pain meds are doing their job.” I smile as I click the button for another dose. “I hear Adeline is doing fine. Does she know what happened?”

  “Not really. To Mrs. Hoyle’s credit, she didn’t intend to hurt Adeline and told her she was a friend of mine. She treated her very well. What happened in the courtroom is clouded by her just waking up. Jordan is with her now.”

  “Rebecca, I am so sorry for all of this. I came back to Clover and look at what’s happened.”

  “We finally know what happened to Brent. Clover has the opportunity for a booming economy again and Hoyle is in prison. The truth about what happened to you is finally going to come out. I’m not saying any of it was easy, but at least it happened.”

  “I wish I could have found a better way to do it. A way that didn’t hurt you so much. You deserve so much more than I’ve given you so far.”

  “Yes, I do. And I’m going to get it.”

  I feel a knot in my stomach pull painfully tight as I wonder if this is it. Is this the moment Rebecca tells me she’s had enough? Will this be the last I see of her? I couldn’t blame her if that was the case.

  Her stoic face breaks into a smile, “So you better get your act together and start giving me what I deserve from you.”

  “I will,” I say, springing up too quickly in my bed and then wincing in pain. “I will give you everything you’ve ever wanted in life. Will you go away with me? You and Adeline, the second we’re both out of here. Let me take you away.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Rebecca

  When Devin asked me if Adeline and I would go away with him I thought he meant forever. But all he wanted was a week away on some island. Anywhere we could sink our toes into the sand and let the sun warm our faces. I’ve never been to a tropical place, and I never thought I would have the opportunity, so answering that question should have been easy. But I told him we’d only go on one condition. Though he quickly said, anything, I don’t think he had considered this.

  I watch Luke and Click throw the football back and forth as Adeline plays monkey in the middle, waves lapping at her toes. Jordan and Olivia are laughing as they pass a magazine back and forth between their beach blankets. Nick, Jeanie, and the boys are out in the water, holding their floats together, drifting along like one unit. Devin and I are in lounge chairs below a big umbrella as we sip on frozen drinks.

  “I still can’t believe you wanted all these people to come on our vacation. And I can’t believe I agreed to it,” he says as he rolls to his side to face me. I see the mark on his arm where the bullet went in and, like always, it reminds me how close I came to losing him forever. It makes moments like this seem even sweeter.

  “I’m not foolish enough to think all these people are going to hang around Clover with me forever. Their jobs and their lives will take them all over the world. I just want to prolong the inevitable, hold on to everyone just a little longer.”

  “Well, an all-expenses-paid trip to the Caribbean is certainly a solid plan to keep people around. I didn’t think that would include Olivia but Luke was so insistent.”

  “They came because they love us,” I say, shifting my body so I’m facing him as well.

  “They came for the free drinks,” he teases, and I love the smile that spreads across his face. It’s so carefree and relaxed it makes me forget what we’ve been through. Just for a second, but that second is magical.

  I look over at Adeline who’s up on Luke’s shoulders as he runs across the sand. She’s screaming and laughing and I hope this memory will trump any bad ones she may have acquired over the last four years. With any luck this will stand out more; this will be easier to recall.

  “It scares me,” I say as I watch her squeal, her hair blown back by the ocean wind.

  “Want me to tell him to stop?” Devin asks, gesturing over at Luke.

  “No, that’s not what scares me.” I laugh. “I keep thinking about Brent. He really was a sweet kid when we were all young. I’d blocked that part of him out of my memory. But he was normal. Kind even.”

  “We all change as we get older. Not always for the better.”

  “But would he have changed if it weren’t for the steroids? Would he have killed himself if it weren’t for his father’s torment? I guess I never realized the power we hold as parents. It’s terrifying to know the choices I make, the way I act, could do so much damage to her. The responsibility is suffocating. I’ve made some pretty bad choices along the way. What if the damage is already done?”

  “There isn’t a single thing wrong with that little girl. She’s perfect and she’s going to stay that way. Do you know why?”

  “Why?” I ask, hoping he really does have an answer.

  “Because even if you do screw up, I mean royally blow it one day with her, which I don’t think you will, she’ll have me too. If you ruin something, I’ll fix it. If I drop the ball, you’ll pick it up. That’s how parents should be. We don’t have to be perfect; we just have to be as good as we can and take turns being screw-ups.”

  “You want to be her parent?” I ask, realizing we are standing on the threshold of a conversation we’ve never had before.

  “If you’ll let me. I mean, I know we’ll have to get married, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay for such an honor.” He laughs as he reaches into the bag that’s sitting between us and pulls out a small black ring box and flips it open. “Will you,” he asks, reaching for my hand, “let me be Adeline’s daddy?”

  “Yes,” I breathe, not expecting any tears on this trip, hoping
to give my eyes a break for a little while. But these tears are different. They are rooted in joy.

  “Did you do it, Debin?” Adeline asks as she races over to us, kicking up sand in her wake.

  “I did.” Devin points at my finger with a big grin on his face. “And she said yes.”

  “Mommy, we have a famiwy!” Adeline shouts as she jumps into Devin’s arms. “Wook how big it is,” she giggles as she points to everyone on the beach coming toward us to celebrate the good news.

  “We are so lucky, Adeline. We are so loved.”

  “We need anoder though,” Adeline says with seriousness on her face. “We need one more.”

  “One more what?” I ask, turning my head to try to understand what little math equation she’s trying to figure out.

  “You need to make a baby,” Adeline whispers with wide eyes. “Debin has to put a baby in your tummy. Then our famiwy can be bigger.”

  Everyone is within earshot now and cannot contain their amusement.

  “What a great idea, Adeline,” Nick says, swinging one of his boys up into his arms and dodging the crazy looks he’s getting from Devin and me.

  “One thing at a time, sweetheart,” I say, reaching over and brushing the sand off her cheek. “First we need to plan a wedding.”

  “Den we have a baby?” Adeline asks, still looking gravely serious.

  “Then we eat cake,” Devin says, his eyes not meeting mine. “Lots and lots of wedding cake. Doesn’t that sound good?” He’s already a pro at redirection.

  “I lub cake!” Adeline explains, nodding enthusiastically. “I’m hungry.”

  “Well then let’s eat.” Devin gets to his feet and lifts Adeline up on his shoulders.

  Nick slaps Devin’s back and laughs. “Boy you might have this parenting thing figured out already. When in doubt distract them with snacks. But there is one thing you have to watch for.”