Beach Daddy

by Mia Ford

  “Good luck,” my mother said, smiling.

  I drove over to the public beach access closest to the surf shop. We had built the building on stilts on a section of beach that the town allowed us to purchase. As I walked toward the building, I could see Lacey standing there, looking out over the water. A storm was blowing in, and the clouds were sitting right on the edge of the horizon, dark and gray just like the day Isabella had died. The wind blew Lacey’s hair around wildly, but her smile calmed my heart as I approached.

  “Hey,” I said, rubbing my hand down her arm.

  “Hey there,” she whispered.

  “So, this is the surf shop,” I said, climbing the stairs. “The place I did all my best thinking, the business that made it possible for me to be home with Bella like I am now, and also a place that holds a lot of painful and good memories for me. It has survived two hurricanes and a tropical storm.”

  “Did you build it?” Lacey asked.

  “We did, Isabella and I,” I said. “Isabella was my wife’s name.”

  She nodded her head and followed me to the front door, looking over the edge of the deck out into the ocean. I fumbled with my keys, trying to remember which one opened up the front door, and when I saw the small purple heart painted on the front of key, I remembered. Isabella had done that because I would sometimes sit there forever trying to figure out what key went in the door. My heart started to hurt a bit, but it lifted as Lacey’s hand smoothed over my shoulder. We walked inside, and I flipped on the lights.

  “The whole place is powered by solar in an attempt to lessen our environmental footprint, especially out here on the beach,” I explained, walking her over to the wall of pictures in the shop area where we sold minor surfing gear, some lotions, board butter, and wet suits. “This is the wall of photos of our students.”

  “Wow,” she said wide-eyed, making me smile.

  “That is Ellie-Jean Coffey, a famous surfer, and this is Sage Erickson, also a famous surfer,” I said, pointing to a couple of pictures. “The rest of them are students who have come through. Not all of them, of course, but the ones that came more than once.”

  “That’s awesome,” she said, walking along the wall and stopping at a picture of me and Isabella laughing on the beach.

  “That is Isabella and me when we first started the shop,” I said, looking at the picture.

  “She is so beautiful,” Lacey said.

  “She was,” I replied. “She passed away over two years ago.”

  “Caspian,” Lacey said, covering her mouth. “I’m so sorry.”

  “This place was her baby,” I said, turning and walking through the shop, stopping to sit up on the counter. “Sure, we opened it together and I ran the classes, but she put everything she had into this place. It never seemed like it was a bother or stress to her, no matter whether the numbers were up or down. She would have lived here if she could have. There was a hammock out on the deck she used to nap in when she was pregnant with Bella. It blew out to sea during a storm.”

  I looked around the room for a moment, remembering all the old surf boards that we had hung in the rafters. The place was dusty, but I could still make out every foot that walked through the place. I realized in that moment that I loved the place as much as Isabella had. I looked over at Lacey, who was standing in the middle of the floor staring up at me. I jumped down and took her by the hand, leading her over to a table by the window. We sat down, and I took her hands in mine.

  “I didn’t come here to show you the shop, though,” I said. “I came here because it is part of the story. Surfing was part of the story. The story goes, my wife had been surfing her whole life and even traveled around the world for a year surfing some of the greatest spots imaginable. She had very little fear. There was a storm off the coast, and while it was producing some really great swells that day, it was also producing one of the worst rip currents we had seen out here. There was no stopping Isabella, though, and as she hit the peak of the wave, she was knocked off her board. I can remember seeing her face—she was laughing—but then she disappeared under the water, and that was the last time I saw her alive. We searched and searched but her body didn’t wash up for three days. Obviously, there was nothing they could do.”

  “That is so tragic,” Lacey said, squeezing my hands. “I’m so sorry for that.”

  “The part that most people don’t know is that Isabella and I argued about it before she went out that day,” I said, putting my head down. “I told her it was too dangerous, that it wasn’t some trophy to be surfed. I told her she was a mother now, and she couldn’t take such crazy chances for no reason. It was an argument, and she stormed out, stubborn as hell, and grabbed her board. My last words to her were ‘whatever,’ and it has haunted me ever since then.”

  I let go of Lacey’s hands and sat back in my chair, staring out the window. I hadn’t told any part of that story since she died, and it was all running through my mind like a movie. I watched the waves violently clash against the shore as the storm clouds moved closer. It was exactly like that day, and the seagulls outside, grabbing the fish drawn to shore by the churning of the ocean, rang loudly in my ears. I could still see my mother with Bella clutched in her arms, running up the beach toward the shack, a look of absolute terror on her face. I could feel the sting of the cold water hitting me as I raced out there, following the cord of her surfboard but finding nothing at the end of it. My heart fluttered in my chest reliving that desperation, that powerless feeling as I dove in and out of the surf, trying to find her.

  The wind whipped against the side of the shop, drawing me from my daydream. That was exactly why I didn’t tell the story or come to the shop. It made me relive that day over and over in my mind. It was a day that was forever burned into my brain, something I felt extraordinarily guilty over.

  “I’m so sorry, Caspian,” Lacey said quietly. “But it isn’t something that you can blame yourself for.”

  “If I had just sat down and talked to her or gone out with her,” I said. “If I was on the beach watching even, I would have been thirty steps closer. That’s thirty extra seconds to dive in and pull her out of the current. She died knowing I was angry with her, my bitter words in her heart.”

  “No, every couple argues,” Lacey said. “She knew how much you loved her. Blaming yourself will never solve anything. It will only keep making this something you cannot move on from.”

  “I do blame myself,” I said quietly. “I can’t help it. My heart won’t let it go.”

  “Your heart is just reacting to your brain,” she replied. “You need to forgive yourself, for you and for Bella.”

  “I don’t know if that’s possible,” I said, raising my arms over my head. “But I should be getting back before the storm hits. Bella gets scared during storms.”

  “Alright,” Lacey said, taking my hand and standing up.

  “I’ll give you a lift home, so you don’t get rained on,” I said, smiling.

  “It’s alright,” she replied. “I need the exercise, and I want to clear my mind. Go get Bella. That can’t wait.”

  I nodded my head, trying to understand that I just unloaded a lot of really big information on Lacey. She took it really well, not overstepping, not getting overly emotional, but caring enough to make me feel comforted. The whole experience wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, and I was glad that she pushed my hand on the subject. I wasn’t looking forward to the gloom it would bring the rest of the day, but it was something that I had to live with. We closed up the shop and headed down to the sand where we stood looking at each other. She walked forward and leaned up, kissing me gently on the cheek.

  “You are an amazing man and a fantastic father,” she whispered. “You are no more at fault for your wife’s death than the ocean is. It was tragic and terrible, and I know you are heartbroken, but in order to heal, you have to start to forgive yourself. You want your daughter to see that vibrant and happy man that you can be, and that will only happen if yo
u let go of that guilt. The rest will fall into place, and even though you will always miss her, your heart will begin to heal. I promise. I never lost a husband, but I did lose two people that were the most important people in my life, and for a long time, I just kept thinking that if I had come home, my grandmother might have still been alive. I had to understand that no matter what I did, everything would have ended up the same way. It was the universe controlling it, not us.”

  She kissed me on the cheek again and turned, walking away down the beach. My brain knew she was right, but my heart was still fighting. All I could do then was try to move forward, and maybe if I was lucky, I could move forward with Lacey in my life.

  17

  Lacey

  I stood at the window in my house, staring out at the sun-bathed beach in front of me. It had stormed all night, but the only way you could tell was the line in the sand where the sea had surged. Everything else was beautiful. Birds flew high overhead, a calm wave lapped the shore, and the warmth of the summer beamed through the large glass windows of the living room. I wondered if it was this calm the day after Isabella died, and how that would possibly feel to Caspian, standing at the shop, still looking for his wife. I was still reeling over the revelation that Caspian had given me the day before. It was the most tragic story I had ever heard, and it happened to someone I cared so much for. I could almost feel the pain he felt inside of him surging outward through the shop. I now understood why he closed the place down, even if I still thought he should move forward with it.

  I wanted so badly to help him let go of his guilt so that he could move on with his life. The death of his wife wasn’t something that he would ever forget, and it would always weigh heavily on his soul, but it didn’t have to be this way. He held on to guilt, but if he could let go of it, I could almost promise him that his heart would start to heal. I sighed and turned from the window, looking down at my watch. I needed to get to his house to continue tutoring Bella. I grabbed my things from the counter and headed out the door, this time not getting coffee from Aggie’s like I usually did. When Caspian answered the door, he was on a work call and smiled at me, nodding toward the back of the house. It was probably better that way since we couldn’t talk about everything in front of Bella anyway.

  When I walked around the corner in the office, Bella’s face lit up, and she came running toward me, almost knocking me over. She was always happy to see me, but this was definitely over the top. She clung tightly to my leg until I squatted down and gave her a hug.

  “I’m happy to see you, too,” I said, chuckling. “Did you forget I was coming today?”

  “I didn’t know if you would come back because of the fight you had with Daddy,” she whispered.

  “I would never leave without saying goodbye,” I said, squeezing her nose.

  “I really like having you around,” she said. “You make me and my daddy smile. I hope the two of you never fight again.”

  “Me too,” I said, hugging her again.

  I held her tightly against me, tears burning at the corners of my eyes knowing this girl lost her mother in the accident. She may not have remembered her, but I knew that it would be hard on her when she got older. The fact that she thought so much of me really touched me. She was so sweet, and I loved the cute little conversations we had on a daily basis. I now understood why Bella had such a strong personality that resembled her father’s perfectly. He was the only parent she had left, and he had raised her alone the last two years.

  “Are you ready to try those numbers I gave you to practice?”

  “Yep,” she said, clearing her throat and standing up tall.

  She then proceeded to count from one to thirty with only one hesitation, causing my mouth to drop completely open. Bella had now managed to completely finish all the prerequisite knowledge that first graders in her school must know to pass to that grade. I had only been working with her for a month, I couldn’t even imagine where she would have been if I had started earlier. This girl definitely had a bright future ahead of her.

  “Sweetie,” I said, putting my arms out. “That was so amazing! Have you showed your daddy?”

  “I did,” she said proudly. “I counted to him right before you got here. He was really surprised.”

  “You are an extremely smart young lady,” I said, smiling. “How about we take that, and we work on your writing and reading today?”

  “Okay,” she said excitedly, running over to the table and pulling up her chair.

  “You practice writing your name and then the words on this list,” I said, handing her the papers and pencil. “I’m going to use the restroom.”

  I smiled as I walked out of the room, turning to walk down the hallway. As I passed the row of pictures on the wall, I stopped and looked at the ones of Isabella holding her daughter. The knowledge I had now gave me a completely different perspective on the photo than I had before. My questions were answered, and I knew this woman must have been amazing, especially if Caspian loved her so much. I kind of wondered if I could live up to all of what she was. I shook the thought from my head, realizing that was something that I would never need to worry about, and I almost felt guilty just thinking about it.

  The rest of the afternoon went off without a hitch, with Bella doing everything perfectly as always. I loved working with this little girl, and I tried not to think about the fact that she was getting close to orientations and pre-kindergarten daycare that the school did to prepare their students for the school schedule. The prep school was a bit different than normal schools, and they did everything they could to prepare incoming kids for the rigorous schedule that started even in kindergarten. I knew that Bella was going to be fine. When the day was over, she went to the playroom, and I went into the kitchen to collect my things.

  “How did it go?” Caspian asked.

  “Great as always,” I said, smiling at Caspian. “She is going to kill it at her new school.”

  “I was wondering if you wanted to stay for dinner?” he asked with anxiousness in his voice. “My mom is coming over, and we would all love to have you with us tonight.”

  “I would love to,” I said, putting my things back down. “What can I do to help?”

  “Nothing,” he said excitedly. “Just relax. My mom should be here any minute. I’m cooking for you guys tonight.”

  “I like the sound of that,” I said with a laugh.

  I went to the fridge and grabbed a beer, heading out on the deck to take in the ocean until Betty got there. I knew that she would be pleased to see that we had worked through some things, and now that I knew what happened to his wife, I was glad that he told me and not Betty. The information was very sacred to him, and the fact that he gave that to me was so touching and heartfelt. It really showed me that he wanted more from us than just fuck buddies.

  Around an hour later, Betty came over, telling me not to get up and joining me with a glass of wine. She stretched for a long time, groaning as she propped her loafered feet up on the footrest in front of us. She took a sip of her wine and smiled, looking over at me.

  “It’s good to see you here,” she said.

  I looked over my shoulder to see if Caspian and Bella were anywhere near. Betty had closed the door to the house, but I could see Caspian cooking dinner, and Bella was standing behind him handing him different vegetables as he cooked. I couldn’t help but smile watching her help her daddy with the dinner. She was the most adorable little girl I had ever seen. I turned back toward the ocean and sipped at my beer.

  “It’s really good to still be here,” I said. “Caspian took me to the surf shop and told me what happened to Isabella. It was shocking and heartbreaking, and I really hope that knowing this now can help me help him. He is such an amazing person, and I could feel a weight lift from his shoulders.”

  “I knew that you were going to be good for this house the first time I met you,” she said. “I am so glad that the three of you met. I have to admit, I have been worried about him fo
r a long time. I thought that a year after Isabella’s death, he would start pulling himself out of the funk, but when the two-year mark passed, and he was still in the same place, I was starting to think he wouldn’t bring himself out of it. I knew that he just needed to find someone to confide in, to let go of some of that pain to her.”

  Just knowing that she felt that I was able to help him move forward made me feel really good. I cared so much for Caspian, and if I could help him live a fuller and happier life, then everything we had gone through had been worth it. I cared for both of them, and I wanted to be part of their lives for a long time, but I knew that the difficult time between us was not necessarily through. Caspian had told me what happened, but now, I was going to have to push him forward, try to get him to let go of the guilt that he had in his heart.

  “Dinner’s ready,” Caspian said, poking his head outside.

  “Wonderful,” Betty said, taking me by the hand and pulling me up out of the chair.

  During dinner, we laughed and talked like we had so many times before. Bella looked so happy to have all of us back at the same table again, and she wasn’t the only one. Every time I glanced up at Caspian, he was looking at me with a smile on his face. My cheeks blushed, and I looked away, trying to get the thought of him off my mind. I knew that I couldn’t stay the night that night, not with it being a tutoring night for Bella, and not with us just patching things up, but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to.

  I tried to concentrate on the conversation, attempting to keep my mind off of our hot sex, but it was really difficult, so I drank wine instead. When dessert was done, Bella was nearly falling asleep at the table, and I wasn’t too far behind her. I watched Betty get up and kiss Bella on the cheek, stretching her arms over her head.

  “Alright kids, it’s my time to head out,” she said.

  “Me too,” I said. “I have to be up early.”

  “Mom, would you wait just a sec and let me walk Lacey to the car?” Caspian asked.