by Mel Darbon
I want to go outside and ask a nice person for help. But Courtney won’t let me. And Lisette told me Janek would hurt me if I go.
Janek is whispering in Danka’s ear. He stands up and says to me, “Stay in that chair until I telling you otherwise.”
His tongue licks his lips.
In my head I get a picture of Kaa the snake. In Jungle Book. He sing-hisses in my ear.
I make myself as small as I can.
It’s just me now.
I throw the cushion away from my face. It smells of old wee and smoke. I can’t rub it off my face. I twist my bottom round and the armchair squeaks. I hold my breath. Janek told me not to move.
The chair is broken. I stick my finger in a hole and pull out some stuffing. Dust goes up my nose and in my mouth. I want a drink of water. But I must stay here. Janek might come back.
I shut my eyes, then everything will vanish.
I can hear something bump. It’s coming from the ceiling. I put my fingers in my ears but I can still hear it. I bury my head down in the seat.
Bump, bump. Bump, bump, bump.
I don’t want to look…but I have to. I peep up at the ceiling. Janek shouts out. It sounds silly. I laugh. I’m too loud! I look at the door. Please don’t open.
The door is scratched up. The paint has gone browny-yellow. It looks sticky.
Someone has drawn on the walls. That’s naughty. There are three ducks flying up the wall. The little one has a broken wing. His head is pointing down. He’s falling from the sky.
My leg has gone fuzzy. I can’t get up and walk it. Jack would rub it for me. He’d make all the pins and needles go away.
I don’t know if Jack knows I’m lost. He’d come and save me.
He’d take me away from this badbad house.
I don’t think Jack will find me.
“She’s still asleep, thank God.”
Lisette and Courtney are sitting on the floor with a pile of coloured bags between them. I wish I was asleep. I’m just pretending. I don’t want to talk.
“What d’you think of these, Court?”
I peep through my half open eyes. Lisette is holding up a pair of tiny silver shorts.
“Cute, Christmassy. Do they even cover your butt? Can I borrow them?”
“Fuck off, I haven’t even worn them yet.”
My eyelids shut them out again.
“Christ, she’s dribblin’, go get a tissue, Court.”
“You get a tissue cos I’m not touching her gob.”
That girl really hates me. I don’t know why. Mum says people haven’t learned enough at school. I wish Mum was here to tell her that. My mum will be upset. I’ve been gone two whole sleepovers now. I think she will be crying.
I need to work out getting out of this house but my body wants to sleep. My head still hurts too much to think. That’s from the drink last night. Ben’s head hurt for ages after he drank Dad’s whiskey. Dad said it served him right.
It’s hard to shut these girls out. Their words push into my ears.
“She’s gonna find out soon enough, ain’t she?”
“Not from me, babe, cos it’s wrong, ain’t it?”
“Why are you bothered about some retard, Lisette?”
“She ain’t like us, she don’t deserve it.”
“What d’you mean? You’ve changed your tune.”
“Chill, Court, here have some more drink. Ain’t Rose got enough problems bein’ a Down’s person?”
“You’ve got the problem, I don’t get it.”
“It’s like, like—”
“Like fuckin’ what?”
“I’m buying this party dress that should be for some cute little kid on Christmas Day and—”
“What are you on about?”
“I’m tryin’ to tell you, you stupid cow. Oi! Don’t throw Doritos at me. That purple party dress, Court, I hate it; I hate what it means and bein’ part of this mess. She, Rose, ain’t got a clue about any of this shit. The games. The men. The sex. She’s innocent, right? She’s everythin’ we’re not, everythin’ we lost. If Rose gets hurt, then it’s like, like we lose everythin’ all over again.”
“You’ve gone mental.”
“Who’s going to hurt Rose?”
“OMG! You nearly gave me a heart attack. How long you been listenin’?”
“Who’sgoingtohurtRose?”
Courtney gets up and knocks Lisette out of the way. “I ain’t doin’ this, you sort it.”
I stand in front of Lisette. “WHO’S GOING TO HURT ROSE?”
“No one is goin’ to hurt you.”
“I’mnotstupid. I’mnotstupid.”
“Okay, okay, stop stressin’, you’re doin’ my head in.”
“I don’t want to be hurt. I want Jack. I w…want my mum.”
My frightened takes me over. I grab the TV controls and hit them against my head. I want to knock the scared out.
“Rose! Stop! What you doin’? Stop hittin’ yourself and give me those TV controls. Give me the bloody controls! COURTNEY!”
“For fuck’s sake, Lisette, get her to shut up.”
“I’m tryin’ but she’s gone spastic.”
Courtney slaps me. It knocks my breath out of me. I fall to the floor. Tears run out of my eyes.
Shehitmeshehitme.
I don’t want to be Rose any more.
Lisette lifts my face up by my chin. “What’s Janek goin’ to say when he sees her like this, Courtney? He’ll kill us.”
“Us? I don’t give a shit about her, you sort it since you care so much about her all of a sudden.”
“Courtney, please?”
Courtney pushes past us. At the door she turns round and says in a small voice, “She’s gonna ruin us, babe.”
Then she’s gone, slamming the door shut.
I shiver. I can’t stop. My teeth are chattering together.
“Rose, we have to go up to the bedroom, cos Janek will be back soon.”
I shake my head.
“Yes, Rose, if Janek sees you like this he’ll—”
We hear a door shut near us.
Lisette grips my shoulders. “It’s too late. He’s home.”
We hold tight to each other and watch the door. We can hear someone moving towards us. The door knob turns. We both gasp.
“Danka! What’s up?”
Danka is crying but she isn’t making any noise. She’s clutching a newspaper to herself. It’s squashed up in a ball.
Lisette leads her to the sofa and sits her down. She goes out of the room and shouts up to Courtney, “Courtney, quick! Danka’s crying.”
Lisette kneels at Danka’s feet and tries to take the newspaper away but she won’t let go.
Courtney runs into the room. “Is she okay? Danka never cries – what is it?”
I move round and watch as Danka holds out the broken newspaper. I can’t see what it says.
I hold onto the back of the sofa as my legs can’t stand up.
Courtney snatches the newspaper, flattens it out and starts to cry.
Lisette grabs the paper. Her mouth drops open and she screams. “Jaycee, Jaycee. No, no, no.”
Courtney hits the wall with her hand. “She wouldn’t kill herself, there’s no way she’d throw herself in front of a tube train! Sh…she…”
Lisette throws the paper on the floor. “He did it… That bastard Janek made her so bloody miserable. He made her starve herself when she weren’t even fat! And he always made her go with Pete, who she hated. And she was s…sweet and k…kind.’
Danka folds her arms around Lisette.
“She weren’t w…worthless, were she, Danka?”
Danka shakes her head and pulls Courtney into her arms too.
It makes me sad they are sad. I don’t feel right watching them. I don’t like the things they are saying.
As I go into the kitchen I hear Lisette whimpering like my dog when she’s hurting. “He did it. He did it.”
I put my hands over my ears, b
ut I can still hear them.
I need water, but I can’t turn the tap on.
I’mscared. I need to work out what Janek did. I know it’s important.
My face is hot and burny where Courtney hit it. My heart is beating on my face.
IcantthinkIcantthink.
My purple bag is tucked under the table. I pick it up and hold onto my Jack. A cold wind blows into the kitchen from somewhere. I put my bag back and follow the air out of the kitchen. The front door is open.
No one is watching me. Janek isn’t here.
I get my brain to work.
I run up the stairs and look for my coat and hat. I trip on the rug and hit my elbow. I’m clumsy cos I’m rushing. I don’t have time to rub it better. My clothes are sticking out from under the bed. My arm gets stuck in my coat sleeve. I want to cry. I swallow it down. I don’t bother putting my hat on. I squash it up in my bag. When I lift my head up Lisette is standing in the doorway. Her eyes are red and puffed up.
“W…what you doin’?” she hiccups.
“RosegoingtoJack.” My words flutter in my mouth. “Pleaseletmego.”
She shakes her head. “You’ll never get away on your own.”
“I have to. Janekbad.”
She nods. Then she sits on the bed and picks at the duvet. “This cover must ’ave been quite pretty once.” She gets up and paces.
I step back. I’m too jellylike to run past her.
She kicks a trainer at the wall. “I’m coming with you. Let’s get out of this shit hole.”
I don’t know why she says this. I can’t sort her words out. “Why are you coming with Rose now?”
“One of my best friends died cos of how Janek is.”
My brain can’t get these words. They’re too wrong. “We must go to the police.”
“No, never, we’ll all be done for. I’ll take you to Victoria and you can get to Jack.”
“Wherewillyougo?”
“I don’t know, anywhere but here – as far away as possible.”
I sit on the bed to help my frightened stop. I press my hand on my chest to stop the thunder.
Lisette is pushing clothes into a plastic bag. “Get in the fuckin’ bag,” she mutters. She keeps dropping stuff on the floor. “Shit, shit, shit.” She leaves it there. She picks up some bits of make up and sticks them inside a shoe. “Christ, I need a fag.” She picks up a pair of jeans. Some coins fall out. “Yes! I’ve got that shopping money from Janek.” She takes it out of her back pocket and waves it at me. “I didn’t spend it all, so we can use it to get away.”
“That’s stealing.”
“What else we gonna do? A fairy godmother won’t come to rescue us. Come on, we gotta get out of here before Janek gets back, I don’t know how long we’ve got. Courtney’s lookin’ after Danka, just pray she don’t come out and see us, so don’t make any noise.”
“My bag’s in the kitchen. I ran to find my coat and left it. It has all my Jack in it.”
“Shit! Okay, okay, I’ll get it.”
We tiptoe down the stairs. I wait by the door. My heart has moved up to my ears. Every bump echoes in my head. I hop up and down until I see Lisette coming out with my bag. I grab it and hold it tight.
Lisette gets her coat but doesn’t put it on. She looks out of the open front door.
“Let’s go.”
We burst out and don’t look back.
It’s started to rain. Cold water runs down my neck. I blink to get the wet out of my eyes.
My feet don’t want to move fast, but I keep going. I won’t stop until I can’t see the house.
My chest hurts from running-walking. It always hurts when I have lost all my breath.
Houses go past. A white van on the road. Green Mini. Silver car. I check behind me. Please don’t let them follow us. Lisette is in front of me. I watch her ponytail bounce up and down. I see the red postbox that I saw before near the park. I stop to hold the pain in my side. My head sweats.
“Don’t stop, we gotta keep movin’.” Lisette runs back to get me. Her breath huffs out clouds.
In the distance I see a bus. Buses take you to places. I run across the street without looking. A car honks at me and a voice shouts, “Idiot! I could’ve killed you!”
“Watch it!” Lisette grips my arm. “Look – we can get that bus up there if we hurry, but be careful.”
The bus is getting bigger. And bigger. We’re nearly there. One more road to cross. We just stop in time as a black car with black windows pulls up.
I make me slow down. My face looks back at me from the car window. I smile at me cos I’m nearly at the big road. The black window of the car slides down. I see a man with very white teeth. One of them has a sparkle.
“Fuck!” Lisette screams. “Run!” She snatches my bag from me and runs up the road towards the bus. “Run, Rose, run. Run for that bus.”
I try and keep next to Lisette but she’s too fast. I look back and see the black car driving up the road. The man leans out the window and shouts at us.
“Lisette darlin’ – hey, wait! Come back here, bitch!”
Lisette puts her hand out. I grab it and we run together. Her breath pants in and out. I can’t get my breath in. The bus starts to move again.
Lisette shouts, “Jump!”
We throw ourselves onto the bus step. I grip the handle tight. Lisette bends over holding her stomach. I cough and cough. The black car is stuck at the corner. It honks its horn. Over and over. I watch as it gets smaller.
Lisette starts to laugh-cry. She stops herself. “We gotta h…hide out.”
“I don’t want to play hide and seek.”
“No, we’re not playing a game, this is for real. I’ll explain after I’ve paid. Go and sit down at the back and keep your head down.”
I sit down and rest my head on the seat bar where no one’s sitting in front of me. I’m shaking in every bit of me.
“You okay, love?”
A lady on the other side is looking round at me. I nod cos I can’t make any words come out.
Lisette smiles at the lady. “She’s my sister. We had to run for the bus. It’s best she don’t talk cos of her asthma.”
“You don’t look like sisters.” The lady frowns at Lisette.
“Course not! Anyway, she’s my stepsister and my stepdad is a ginger.”
“It’s nice you look after her.” The lady turns back round.
I whisper to Lisette, “I don’t have asthma.”
“You do now. You wanna get to Jack, don’t you?”
“YesIdo.”
“Then just do as I say.”
Lisette sticks her bag under the seat in front. I hold mine tight. On my lap. Lisette rips a bit of fingernail off and spits it on the floor. “We gotta lay low… No, sit up, I didn’t mean that, just listen to me. That guy in the car, that’s Pete.”
“Pete? I don’t know that name.”
“Yeah you do, that’s who Janek – look it don’t matter, he’s evil, you don’t wanna know him. He’s gonna tell Janek about us, so we gotta hide from them.”
“Nohide.”
“Yes hide. If they find us…shit, I’ve had it, you just ’ave to trust me.”
“Why can’t we find a police man? You can always ask a police man.”
“Get real.”
“IwantJack.”
“I know. What d’you think I’m trying to do?”
I won’t look at her. I press my face against the window glass. Rain trickles down making everything wonky.
I watch the shops pass by. Another bus stops next to ours. A little boy with a Batman face waves at me. I wave back.
“Who you wavin’ at?” Lisette looks worried.
“A Batman boy.”
“Well don’t, we gotta stay invisible. We’ve already had that old girl checkin’ us out thanks to you. Where’s your hat? Right, put it on properly and pull it right down. What are those two police doin’ there?”
I can see them underneath a tube station si
gn. They are giving people bits of paper.
Lisette chews another nail. “We’ll ’ave to get off at the next stop. Look, tuck your hair into your hat, all of it. That’s it.”
My brain hurts. I wish I could talk to Jack. I count the badges on my bag. To stop me thinking Jack things. The badges bring home back to me. Dad buys me a new badge every time he goes away for work. I have twenty-eight. I did have thirty-two but Winniebago ate some.
“Don’t go to sleep, we have to get off here. Come on.”
I won’t let her take my bag. I walk behind her. I’m falling into black-sad. I’m never going to find Jack. Or go home. I’m going to be lost for ever. Lisette is talking to me but I don’t want her to.
“Rose, you ’ave to listen, I know a place we can stay, just for a bit, then you can get to Brighton… Promise.”
I stop walking. “I don’t like promises any more. They aren’t real here.”
Lisette carries on walking. She calls over her shoulder. “We need to get off the street. I know a person who’ll help us. Courtney, me and Jaycee go there…went there, to get our nails done.” She swallows. “Her name’s Telah, she runs a beauty parlour and she knows Janek, knows what he’s like.”
We walk and run along the street. The rain is bigger now. It’s snapping back off the pavement. My jeans are cold-soggy. Lisette is quiet. She looks up and down all the time. Her hair is flat on her head.
When we get to a busy road full of people she slows down. “Not far now, thank God.”
We go past a shop with fruit and vegetables. They’re piled in hills on a table. A man with a big beard tries to stop Lisette.
“Hey, darling, any bowl one pound only. Come, you like? You give me your number, yes?”
“Get off me!”
She pushes him away. He falls back on the table. Oranges bounce onto the ground and roll into the road. The man shouts at her and waves his fist. I don’t understand his shout-words.
“Down here, it’s the shop with the bottle of pink nail varnish outside.”
The bottle is huge and sparkly. It isn’t real. Lisette looks up and down the road again. Then she pushes me through the door. It rings a bell.
“Telah, I gotta talk to you.”
A tall lady with lots and lots of baby plaits looks up at us. She looks like a model lady in a magazine. “Hi, honey, am I expecting you today? Oh my, what’s up, sweetie? Who’s this? Please excuse me, Dolly,” she says to the large lady sitting with her. “Put your hand under the nail drier, darling, I won’t be a minute.”
