by Mel Darbon
Lisette turns to me, “Go and sit at the back round the corner, go on, go.”
I want to stay with Lisette. But she has a do-as-you’re-told face. I sit in the corner and watch them. They have their heads together and they’re whispering. Telah has a frightened face. It makes me more frightened. Lisette is tugging at her T-shirt. Telah shakes her head a lot. Her beads clatter together. I give up looking. My eyes are too tired.
I’m too knotted up to think here. I’m happy I’m not in the bad house. I’m sad I’m not on my way to Jack. I don’t want to play hiding. I’m scared I’ll never get home… I can’t talk in my head about nevers. Cos I can’t bear to never see Jack again. I’ll fall into pieces.
Lisette comes over to me. “We can only stay here for a couple of hours. Telah don’t want no trouble, says it’s too dangerous as Janek knows we come here. We can rest in the storeroom downstairs and she’ll get us something to eat. She thinks you should go to the police…and go home to your family.”
I think of Mum and Ben and home. In my head I say YES. Cos I’m scared of Janek. But my heart shouts NO! I say it out loud. “NO! If I go home, Dad’ll never let me see Jack again. Ever.”
“It ain’t right you bein’ here.”
“You promised Rose. You. Promised. Me.”
“Yeah, I promised. Promises don’t count when you got Janek after you.”
Telah comes over with a set of keys. “Let yourself in. Don’t make any noise. I’ll be down in a bit.” She sighs and pinches the bit between her eyebrows. “Lord, I must be mad.”
The room is small with lots of shelves. Full of nail varnish stuff. Lisette puts her bag on a shelf and gets some towels and puts them on the floor. She pats next to her. “We gotta make a plan, Rose. I don’t wanna go to no police station with you, they’ll start askin’ questions, so you’re gonna have to go and tell someone you need help and get them to take you.”
“Not home. Not now. I find Jack.”
Lisette kicks the wall with her foot. “Do what you fuckin’ want then!”
I cover my face to block her out. We don’t talk for a long bit.
“Won’t your mum be worried about you?”
I don’t want to look at her yet. My voice comes out in a whisper. “Yes… But Jack makes me Rose.”
She sits with crossed legs and takes money out of her pocket. She counts it up. Then she puts some in front of me. And some in front of her. “Stick that in your pocket.”
“That’s bad money.”
“You want to get to Brighton or what? How else you gonna pay?”
“Rosedoesn’tknow.”
“Rose better get off her high horse then and go buy a ticket to Brighton and find Jack, but don’t go blaming me if it goes wrong. Remember, none of this, me, the house, Janek, happened. You got that?”
“Rosegotthat.” I feel grandma old. I pick up the money. I put it down. I pick it up and stuff it in my pocket.
The door opens and Telah brings in a plate of sandwiches and some bottles of water. “Here, eat this. It’s getting dark, so you can both go soon.” She checks her watch. “In about half an hour, at five, okay?”
“Yeah.” Lisette swallows. “I’m sorry.”
Telah turns to me. “Honey, I don’t want to know who you are or how you got here but I don’t want to see you mixed up in all this. Go home, sweetie, stay there and never come back.” She goes out the door. It clicks shut.
Lisette passes me the plate. “Here you go, I’d vomit if I ate anything.”
“You should eat. It will give you fu-el.”
“Ha! Who says that then?”
“My mum.”
“Tell me somethin’ nice,” she takes a bite of sandwich, “aboug your Jacg.”
“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”
Lisette rolls her eyes around. I think for a bit. There’s lots of nice to tell. I think of our favourite place to go. I turn the picture of it into words.
“We love the river. The one in Henley-on-Thames. Where I live.”
“Sounds posh.”
“We take my dog, Winniebago, with us.”
“That’s a stupid name; ain’t that one of them caravan thingies?”
“It’s not stupid. Dad wanted a camper-van. But he got a dog.”
“I’d want the dog, as they love you, no matter what.”
“Winniebago loves everyone.”
“What she look like?”
“She’s white with brown ears and brown splodges. She has big black eyes. Her tail is like a helicopter.”
“What is she – Staffy, pit bull?”
“A Jack Russell. With fluffy hair. Jack thinks she should be his dog as she has his name in her. We take her to feed the ducks. ’Cept Winniebago likes to eat the bread herself. Then we go to the cafe and buy ice cream. Even in the winter. We both like mint with little choclet bits. Jack eats faster than me and tries to eat mine too. Winniebago gets the end of the cone.
“After that we walk to the willow tree. Down by the old bridge. There’s a bench hidden underneath it. The willow branches reach over the top of us. We sit there for ages watching the boats through the gaps. If you shut your eyes you can hear the wind singing. And the tap, tap, tap of the branches on the river water. Winniebago plays hide and seek with the ducks. I put my head on Jack’s shoulder.”
Lisette’s eyes are shut. Her mouth is a bit open. I fold my arms round my legs and rest my head on my knees. I want to be under the willow tree. Kissing Jack. That’s what happens next.
“Don’t stop, tell us more.”
I sigh. “I’m too tired to tell more. When can I go to the train station?”
“Not yet.”
“Sowhenyet?”
“Whenever. Just shut – did you hear that?”
“What?”
“Shouting.” She looks very scared. Her hand squeezes my fingers up.
Above our heads we hear a muffled scream. Something hits the floor.
“Oh my God! Quick, Rose, pass me them keys.”
I drop them and Lisette lets out a whimper of frightened. She snatches them off the floor and throws herself at the door. Her hands are shaking so much the key won’t go in the door.
“Got it,” she says, falling to the floor with her back against the door.
Upstairs has gone quiet. Lisette crawls over to me on her hands and knees. Her eyes are huge.
“I think it’s him, Janek.” A tear rolls down her face. It falls on my jeans.
“Nononono.”
“Shush.” She puts a finger on my lips.
I hear thud, thud, thud, thud, thud, thud. The handle of the door goes down. I wrap my arms around Lisette. We bury our heads into each other.
Someone kicks the door. “Open this.”
It’s Janek.
The door explodes. I hear screaming. It’s me.
“Well, well, well. What have we here? How very cosy.”
He stands in front of us. I can smell his aftershave. He crouches down and lifts up Lisette’s chin. I don’t want to look at him.
His voice is soft and gentle. I open my eyes.
“Hasn’t Janek looked after you, kurwo? This word is meaning the whore, because that’s what you are, yes…? Answer me.”
“Y…yes.”
“Good. Then Janek is not understanding this running away from him, and stealing of his property.” He turns to look at me and smiles. “Was I not good to you, dziecino, my baby?” He strokes his finger down my cheek.
I want to rub and rub it away. I must be still. I sit on my hands to stop them shaking.
Janek clicks his fingers making us both jump. “We will talk about this more at home.”
He pulls Lisette to her feet. She’s shaking all over. Janek picks up my bag and waves it in front of me. I try to jump up and catch it. He laughs and holds it higher. Then he swings it over his shoulder. I follow behind him up the stairs. He keeps his hand on Lisette’s back. She’s holding her bag tight to her. Her head is down. Black tear dot
s appear on the stairs.
JackJackJack, I say in my head. MyJack.
The shop is dark. We kick broken bottles as we walk through. My foot slips on something wet.
“Not that way, the back door.” Janek moves Lisette round. “You, go in front now and don’t make a noise.”
We go through a small kitchen with a table. Telah’s sitting on a chair. Her head is resting on the table. She’s asleep. I hear Lisette sob.
Janek pushes her forwards. “Keep going.”
The back door is open. We walk down a little road between two high walls. It smells of dog toilet.
A big man with no hair and wolf eyes blocks the end of the road. He turns when he hears us and holds his hand up. “Wait! … Okay, you coming now.” He stamps his foot on his cigarette. It hisses in the snow. “Get in car. Hurry up!” He slams the door behind us.
Janek climbs into the front seat. “When we get home you will go to bedroom. Then you dress for party. Then you have your bag back. Yes?”
I can’t speak. I don’t want to open my eyes cos I know when I do the bad men will still be there.
I’m curled up on the bed. I don’t care about my dirty boots. I have red nail varnish on the toe and bottom of one boot. People shout downstairs. Someone screams. I hear it even with my coat over my head. A door shuts outside the window. I sit up and peep round the edge of the curtain. The ugly man with wolf eyes looks up at me. I drop the curtain and sit as still as I can.
I’m not brave any more.
The bedroom door opens and Lisette shuffles into the room. Her hair hangs down over her face. She takes ages to sit on the bed. When she looks up I can see her eyes have been for-ever-crying.
“I so wanted to get away from this… That ain’t never goin’ to happen now… Not for me.” Her words are whisper-quiet.
She looks like she is going to talk more but she takes a big shuddery breath instead. She holds her side. Her knuckle bones are white. She lifts the edge of her top and wipes her eyes with it. Underneath it I can see red marks with some purple showing through. All over her rib bones.
I fold myself up. After a bit a hand rests on my head. “Look, Rose, we gotta talk.”
“Notalk. I w…want J…Jack.”
“Listen to me, you wanna see your Jack again you gotta play the game for a bit longer.”
“Rose not playing games.”
“I’m not playin’. You see, you’ve gotta be grown up.”
I nod. She looks serious, like my mum when she talks about important stuff. Inside my head I put my mum’s face on to her face, so I can listen.
“You gotta go along with what Janek says.”
“Why? Badpeoplegotoprison.”
“Well he ain’t goin’ anywhere, so you gotta do everythin’ I say. You get your party dress on and ’ave a drink; but you just sip it, right? Most of all, smile at Pete. Nothin’s gonna happen, okay? Nothin’. At first they just give you alcohol and drugs, and lots of presents like perfume and jewellery. You don’t ask why, you just take it for granted, cos you ain’t had nothin’ like it before. It’s ages before they want anything from you.” She stops and swallows. Her eyes tear up again. “You keep smilin’ at Pete and I’ll do the rest for you.”
“NonononoIcan’t.”
“You’ve got to, babe, you’ve got to.” Her words tremble. “Just pretend, then I’ll take care of you.”
I turn my back to her. I want to scream out loud, but I mustn’t. I hear Lisette sniffing. It turns into a big snort. Her head is buried in her pillow and she shakes and shakes.
I watch her for a bit. I don’t know how to make her better. Or any of this. I go and sit next to her on the bed. I stroke her arm. I whisper words to her. I tell her some more about Winniebago and how she rolls over on her back, cos she likes to have her tummy tickled. After a while Lisette gets quiet again. She turns around.
“I like that.”
“What, Lisette?”
“You strokin’ my arm.”
“My mum strokes my arm when I’m upset.”
“I’d like your mum… She done good by you.”
“Youcomewithme?”
Lisette laugh-cries. “I can’t!”
“Janek BAD. Whydoyoustayhere?”
“I…ain’t got nothin’ else.”
“You can share my family.”
“LOL! I can just see your mum’s face if you turn up with me.”
“If you’re not in love it’s bad sex.”
Lisette chokes. “I ain’t gonna ask how you know that!” She fiddles with her earring. “You know somethin’, Rose? You ain’t stupid at all.”
That makes tears in my eyes.
“Tell me more about your life, Rose, like before. That was good.”
Her eyes are so full of sad I start to talk. “Jack and me are going to have a winter picnic. On Christmas Eve.”
“You can’t have a picnic in the winter.”
“Why not?”
“Dunno really – it’s too cold for a start.”
“Do you want me to tell you about it or not?”
“Yeah I do.”
“Jack and me are going to sit by our river. You know, the one I said before. Next to the museum that looks like a ship.”
“Course I know, except you didn’t tell me about no ship bit.”
“It’s not a real ship. It’s a museum building that looks like a ship.”
“Cool…I’d like to see that.”
“We’ll sit under our willow tree. It’s lost its leaves as it’s winter.” I stop as a big lump makes my words vanish.
Lisette sighs. Her eyelids have dropped down. “Don’t stop.”
I swallow and swallow. “I thought you were asleep.”
“I was tryin’ to see that boat buildin’ and everythin’.”
“Jack will put a picnic blanket on the bench. I’ll have to shut my eyes. When I open them he will be holding a white rose in his hands. D’you want to know what he’ll say? ‘It’s a snow-rose for a special Rose, like you.’ All the prickles will be cut off with the cheese knife, so I don’t get hurt.”
“In your dreams!”
“Shush! Now I’ve lost the spot.”
“Cheese knife.”
“Okayyeah. After that Jack will unpack the picnic. Everything will be white and sparkly. There will be big marsh-mellows with icing sugar dust that taste like, like – sugar pillows! And we’ll have white chocolate cupcakes with silver stars on top. Jack will pop one in my mouth. Guess what?”
“What? Tell me!”
“They are going to sparkle on my tongue! Best of all,” Lisette tries to sit up, “Jack will hold out his hand, and…”
“Go on!”
“Waitaminute, I’m thinking. I know, a little white sugar mouse will be curled up on it. With blue eyes and a pink nose. We can take it in turns to lick it.”
“How very sweet.” Janek leans against the door. He slowly claps his hands. “Time to get dressed. Pospiesz siȩ! Hurry up!”
He throws the purple party dress at me. It lands on the floor by my feet.
Lisette stares ahead without moving. I can see her earrings trembling.
Janek pulls her head round by her ponytail. “Tonight is good for me. Don’t mess it up.”
He slams the door after him.
I throw the dress across the room.
I hate purple.
I look like a doll my grandma bought me when I was six years old. My face is white. I have green eye shadow and pink cheeks. I rubbed the lipstick off. My hair is in plaits with silver ribbons at the end.
I want to rip the dress off and scrub my face clean. But I must do as Lisette tells me and practise smiling… I’m just showing teeth.
The dress is tight under my arms. The skirt bit sticks out like a bell. Glittery, silver ballet shoes peep out the bottom. I don’t like this girl.
“I hate this Rose.”
Lisette is next to me in the mirror. She has lots of black eye make up on.
“
It’s just dressin’ up, Rose, remember? They’re just gonna look at you and give you stuff and pretend to be your friend. It’s sick but ain’t nothin’ more gonna happen. Not now. That comes later when you’ve been spoiled lots…and they want somethin’ in return. You’ll be outta here before that happens. Christ, I look like a skull. I can’t do anythin’ more with this face.” Lisette frowns at herself in the mirror. “You ready, babe?”
“I c…can’t do this.”
“Rose, you got to and I know you can do it. You told me you been on stage at college, so just pretend you’re actin’ now. It’s what we all do.”
“I’m no good at acting. Ican’tdoitlikeJack.”
Lisette grips the edge of the sink. “Please, I’m begging you; I know Pete’s gross but I won’t let him hurt you. I promise.”
“Promises aren’t real in this house. Remember?”
“This one is.”
Her eyes look the truth.
I take her hand and we go out the door together.
I sit in the corner trying to hide.
Danka floats round the room looking after everyone. Three men sit on the sofa talking and watching Lisette and Courtney. They don’t look at me. The young one with pushed back hair laughs a lot. It doesn’t sound like a real laugh.
The nasty man isn’t here yet. I hope he doesn’t come. The wall clock says ten bits past the nine. The hands move very slowly.
Pleasepleasepleasedon’tcome.
The music is loud. It shakes through the floor up into my skull-bone.
Janek shouts from the kitchen. “Turn this music down, we not wanting the neighbours putting their noses in.”
Courtney’s orange lipstick is all smudged up. She’s with a fat man. He’s very old and he has white hair that’s yellow on the sides. Her pointy heel gets stuck in the carpet and she falls over.
Lisette dances with a dark man who has a gold ring on his finger. He puts his hand under her skirt. That’s wrongwrong wrong. Lisette pushes him off. She watches me over his shoulder.
I want to run out the door but my legs won’t move. I want to block them all out with my Jack. But I don’t want to bring him into this room.
