Rosie Loves Jack

by Mel Darbon

  We decide to go to the pier. Jack stops and points at the floor. “When I was little I thought I’d fall through the gaps in the wood. My mum had to carry me over them.” Jack picks me up and carries me along the pier. Jack’s mum laughs and laughs. Jack stands on the railings and holds his hands up in the air and shouts to the wind, “I love you, Rosie Tremayne!” and I shout back, “I love you, Jack – FOR EVER!”

  “D’youwannacrisp? Saltandbingo?”

  A round face with owl glasses looks at me. He holds his crisps in my face.

  “Nothankyou. Go back to your friends.”

  “You’remyfriend.”

  “No I’m not.”

  He sits down and eats some of his crisps. “Areyouwivus?”

  “Go back to your carer.”

  “Ilikeyou. Ohno! Charliespilledhiscrisps.”

  “Shush! I’ll help you clean them up.”

  “What’sthatinyourpocket? Charliewantstosee.”

  He pulls my blue Bella bear out of my pocket.

  “Ohnobluebearonlygotoneeye. Bluebearpoorly. Charliegetaplaster.”

  “No plaster. Charlie eat his crisps. I’ll make blue bear better.” I push the bear back down in my pocket.

  “Crispsalldirty.”

  “Tickets, please.”

  I can see the ticket man’s cap at the end of the carriage. I have to get Charlie back to his group. They’ll see me and know I’m not with them.

  “Charlie? Where are you?”

  Charlie pokes his head round the seat. “Charliespilledhiscrisps.”

  “What are you doing up there? What did we say about sticking together?”

  “I’mwivmyfriend.”

  “What friend?”

  I bury down in my seat and pull my hood over my face and shut my eyes.

  “Friendsleeping.”

  “Then leave them alone. Hurry up! We need to be together for the ticket collector.”

  Charlie pokes me. “Byebye.”

  I keep my eyes shut.

  I can hear him being told off. The ticket man’s cap is nearer up the train. I remember what Tom said about staying out of the way. I slip out of my seat and go to find the toilet. It’s locked and my heart starts to knock, knock against my chest. Someone pulls the chain. They’re taking for ever and my heart is going to come up in my throat. The door opens. I push past the lady coming out. She tuts at me.

  By the closed door I hear, “Tickets, please.”

  I splash my face with cold water. My legs have gone to jelly. Rose must be more careful. I must be more careful. The carer lady knows I’m not with them. And I don’t have my own carer. Lots of people don’t know we can be in-de-pen-dent.

  Back in my seat I put my bag next to me so no one will sit there. Tom told me to do that when I got on the train, but I forgot. I keep my hood up again even though I’m boiling up. My bones hurt. My chest hurts.

  I watch the world go by the window. Walls with scribbles and giant rainbow words. Tall buildings with dolls-house windows. Speedy trains that lose their shape.

  London disappears and fields grow outside the window. A row of little houses with straw caps. Wispy chimneys curling smoke up into the air. A lonely cow watches over a fence. Everything is brown where the rain cleaned up. After a bit the snow creeps back, hiding the fields in blue-shadow.

  White. White. White. Endless white taking me to the sea. Grey sky falling down to the ground.

  Clackety-clack. Clackety-clack. Take me to Jack.

  I got past the ticket man at the gates easily. I hid at the back of the Down’s syndrome group. I was so worried my heart nearly jumped out of my chest.

  Brighton Station is lit up with hundreds of tiny blue lights. I can see Charlie try to pull some off a light post.

  I need to find a toilet so I can clean up and wash. So I look nice for Jack. It’s too busy at the station. And I can see some police people talking to everyone. Tom said they’d look for me at Brighton. I need to get away as fast as I can. But I must stay near the group. To hide myself.

  One of the police men walks over to Charlie and takes the lights from him. He brings him over to his teachers. I’m nearly sick on my feet. I put my head down.

  The carer lady takes Charlie’s hand. “I’m so sorry, officer, he’s a handful that one.”

  “Keep hold of him. We don’t want any other missing kids.”

  “It’s awful, isn’t it? I wonder what could have happened to her? Her poor mum must be out of her mind with worry.”

  “We’re handing out leaflets to everyone with Rose’s picture and a description of what she was wearing.” He hands one to the carer lady. “I’m sure we’ll find her.”

  “I do hope so, the alternative doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?”

  My neck has a pain from keeping my head down. I have to take big slow breaths to stop me falling over. When I peek up the police man is walking away. I swallow a sob.

  I take a quick look round the whole station. I have a bad memory. I told Janek I was going to Brighton. I look for Janek in the crowd. He wants to kill me. Tom said he was just making it up to scare me. I don’t know if to believe him.

  I can’t see Janek but I hear the carer lady counting her group up. I have to move away. But I can’t be on my own. I turn around and see a lady next door to me buying flowers. She has a baby in a buggy. I hold onto the handle and keep statue-still. The carer lady has stopped counting. I go back to the side of the group as she tells them all to be quiet. “We are going to the pier.” They all cheer. “Please walk in a line behind me. I’ll go at the front with my Frozen flag.” She gives it a big wave. “Cindy will go at the back with her Scooby Doo flag.”

  “CharliewantScoobyDoobyDooatthefront.”

  “You would! Well, the girls and Matthew want Frozen; we’ll swap to Scooby at the front later. If you hadn’t wandered off on the train you might have got what you wanted when we voted.”

  “Matthewwantgirlyfilm.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with that, Charlie. Are you listening to me? Charlie! Follow. The. Frozen. Flag.”

  Charlie does a big smile and a soldier salute. “Yessir!”

  I can’t see any toilet signs yet. We’re nearly at the sea. All my bones hurt. Even though I’m hot, my teeth have the shakes. It makes a pain in my chest when I breathe. I often get this when I get ill. I’ve been in hospital to get better before.

  I don’t care. I can feel Jack is near.

  As we get closer to the sea, the wind blows stronger. I have to push it hard away so I can walk. My eyes cry. But I’m not sad. I want to shout to the sea. “I’m here, Jack. I did it.” ’Cept I can’t cos people will look at me.

  I can taste salt on my lips. And the vinegar memory of fish and chips.

  The Scooby Doo flag bobs up and down further along the street. Round the corner I see the pier. It sits on top of the crashing waves. White foam splashes up the metal legs. A pale sun peeps round a cloud. It touches the top of the round roof. It turns silver. My heart sings out loud.

  I can hear fairground music. And dip-diving gulls. Three sit in a line on the back of a bench. One of them snatches at a little girl’s candyfloss. Her mum pulls her away. The girl cries as her candyfloss is thrown in the bin. The gulls swoop.

  I start to feel like Rosie again. Real Rosie. I throw my hood back and close my eyes. I wish I could fling my beanie away and let the wind blow my hair. Jack loves my hair. It’s his favourite colour in his paint box. Indian Red.

  “Excuse me, dear. The rest of your group has gone down to the loos. You don’t want to get lost.”

  A lady in a green coat makes me jump. “Thankyou.”

  I bring my hood back up and have a stern word with me. I have to be more careful. I can’t go in the toilets yet. I have to let Charlie and his friends finish first. I pretend to look in the gift shop. I pick up buckets and spades and a yellow beach ball. There are lots of postcards with pictures of the pier and the beach. I like the one of the pier in the sunset. There are so
me big cards with fat ladies on, in stripy swimming costumes.

  I spot Charlie outside the loo. He sees me and waves. I go behind the postcard stand and peep through the gaps. Charlie runs towards me.

  “Charliedidawee.”

  “That’s good. Bye bye.”

  “Charliegotweeonhishands.” He rubs his hands on his trousers.

  “That’s not nice.” I move backwards. I can see his carer walking towards us. I try and shoo him away. “Please go, Charlie. Go! Shoo!”

  His face looks hurt.

  The lady grabs his arm. “Charlie! You don’t run off like that, you didn’t even wash your hands. I’ve had enough – oh, you’re not with us, are you?”

  I shake my head.

  “Who are you with?” She frowns and looks round the shop.

  Sweat-water pops out on the top of my face. I spot an old man looking at some sweets.

  “Granddad!” I call and go over to him. I stand very close and pick up a bright pink stick of rock.

  The carer lady marches a crying Charlie up the stairs.

  My pretend granddad has something in his ear, but it’s not an earphone. I give him an extra big smile when he sees me. He looks surprised. Then I walk out the door feeling very pleased with myself. My thinking cap is on the top of my head!

  I slip quietly into the toilets.

  It’s not very light in here. I use the toilet to change. There isn’t much room and it’s grubby. I squirt deodorant under my arms. It covers the old wee smell from the toilet.

  I’m happy to get out of there. I squash my charity clothes into my rucksack. Like Tom told me. So no one finds them.

  I have to go up close to the mirror to see me. I look grey-ill. I have shadow shapes under my eyes. I scrub my face clean. I brush my teeth two times. I don’t want bad breath for Jack kissing. I brush my hair lots, to help it shine. I tuck it back up in my beanie. I hope I don’t have hat-head when I see Jack. Ben teases me about that. I’m pushing the last bits of hair in when a lady with a small girl comes in. I look down into the sink.

  “Mummy, why’s that boy in here?”

  “Never mind, sweetie, he’s just made a mistake.”

  “Boys aren’t allowed in the girls’ toilets.”

  “It doesn’t matter, he’s nearly finished, so just go to the loo. Chop chop!”

  The girl marches up to me. “You’re not allowed in here. Go away!”

  “Ellie! Loo, now!”

  The mum hurries her into a toilet.

  “Ow, you’re hurting me. Why’s he wearing a girl’s top?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, I don’t want to hear another word from you.”

  The door bangs shut. I hold onto the sink to steady me. I’ll put some make up on in the taxi. I don’t want anyone else to see me.

  I feel better now I’ve washed and cleaned my teeth. I smell nice too. I’m wearing Jack’s best of all top I got at Topshop. The green matches my eyes. I quickly put my hoodie back on and run out the door.

  I walk along the path by the sea. There aren’t many people. It’s too cold to be at the beach. I watch a black and white dog playing frisbee. It catches it in its mouth every time. I wish Bella was with me. I feel in my pocket for the blue teddy bear. My hand touches the bit of paper Tom gave me with the word TAXI on it, so I wouldn’t get muddled. He told me to tell anyone who asked that I’m seeing my grandma. I will say “granddad” now, cos I found one in the sea-side shop.

  There’s a white sign with black writing on top of a post that says TAXI. There aren’t any cars here. As I try and think what to do, a silver car pulls up with a yellow bit on top. It says TAXI. I want to cry but it’s not cos I’m sad. I open the door, push my rucksack onto the seat and climb in.

  Jack, I’m nearly with you, I say inside me. I can feel him close to me. I’ll run into his arms. He’ll probably do a high five first.

  “Hello! Anyone in there? Where to, love?”

  I have the address ready. “Manor House Farm, Woods Lane, Hassocks, Brighton, BN6 7QL. Thankyouverymuch.”

  “You got money to pay for this? Gonna cost you twenty quid plus.”

  “Yesthankyou.”

  “Right you are, I just needed to check because I’ve got a cousin like you who can’t do jack shit.”

  I don’t understand that. He said “Jack” and a rude word, which makes me scared.

  The taxi man is trying to find some music on his radio. He doesn’t say anything else about Jack, so I uncross my fingers.

  The taxi pulls out into the road behind a big orange bus without a roof. It’s covered in bright paintings of ice-cream cones. Jack and me wanted to go on one when we came at Easter but we had to go home. We ran out of time.

  The radio plays pop music. I don’t know the song but it sounds excited, like me. The houses and shops move fast past the window now. I wave them goodbye.

  The taxi man is very happy. He sings in and out of the tune. His hair is blonder than my little cousin. His skin is very red.

  “You on holiday then? Seeing relatives for Christmas?”

  “Yes, I am, my boy—granddad.”

  I can see his eyes in the car mirror.

  “You wanna go somewhere hot. I just got back from Lanzarote. Two weeks of sun, looked like a lobster after the first day. That’s what you want and plenty of booze. Didn’t wanna come home.” He whistles along to the tune.

  Outside the car window the houses go away. There’s still snow on the trees here, but the branches peep through. The knot in my stomach starts to unwind.

  My chest hurts but it does that when I get a cold. I’ll soon be warm with Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack. His name makes the clouds go away. I get my mirror and some mascara and blusher out of my bag. It’s tricky in the car. It keeps going round corners. Last of all I make my lips shiny pink. “Kissing pink”, Jack calls it.

  For the first time in a long bit, I wonder about Jack and his angry. I wonder if he has got better. It’s so long since we talked, ’cept in my head. That kept me going to find him. I hope I’ve been helping him too. And that he remembers how much I love him. His face pops up in my daydream.

  “I’m nothing without you, Rosie.”

  I know that really.

  I open my eyes. There’s no Brighton now. The road winds round and up. The town falls down behind us. I leave my pain in the bottom of my trainers. I don’t want it with me here in my head. I look up to my happy. With Jack.

  “Not long now, love, just past this field and on for a mile. Look at the sea.” He turns his mirror a bit. “Wow! It’s so still. That’s the calm before the storm, I reckon. It looks just like, um, like—”

  “A sheet of tinfoil.”

  The driver slaps his leg. “Ha! That’s it! I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

  I look behind me. It’s beautiful. A tiny sun winks on the water. The colour changes from silver to bronze. I love everything. It’s where Jack is.

  We’re going up a long, long curly road. I can see fields edged with orange-berry hedges. Snow sits in the lines where a tractor has dug up the earth with its wheels.

  We’re going very slowly. There’s a big lorry in front of us.

  The taxi man winds his window down, shakes his fist outside and shouts at the lorry. “Idiot! Didn’t you see the sign? No lorries! Are you a complete MORON?”

  The car stops.

  “Now what?” The taxi man hits the car steering wheel.

  I’m near Jack. But I’m not. I don’t want the taxi to stop. Come on, taxi man!

  The music has faded away and a news lady comes on. “The search continues for Rose Tremayne, the sixteen-year-old girl with Down’s syndrome who went missing a few days ago.”

  The taxi man turns the radio up louder.

  “…to be reunited with her boyfriend. She has distinctive red-gold hair and green eyes. If…”

  The driver looks at me in his car mirror.

  I try and stay calm. Lots of words come to me but I can’t say any of them.

&
nbsp; “…please contact Sussex police quoting serial number 1409.”

  The radio goes off and the taxi man turns round. “All right, love, that’s you, isn’t it?”

  I shake my head. The taxi man leans over and snatches the hat off my head. I try and grab it but my hair falls out all around my shoulders.

  “I’m gonna have to take you back to Brighton.”

  “Pleaseplease.No.Notnow.TakemetoJack.Ihavetofindhimpleeeeease?”

  “I’m sorry, love. I gotta take you back. I don’t have any choice.”

  “NONONONO! PleasetakemetoJack.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m gonna reverse at the farm track back there. I’ll lose my job if I don’t take you to the police.”

  “Jack is round the corner. He’s veryverynear. Pleasetakemethere.”

  He shakes his head. “No chance, love.”

  I open my mouth to scream but it stays in my throat.

  My head falls onto my knees.

  I’ll never see Jack again.

  “Shit! I don’t believe it. Who uses a bloody caravan in the winter?”

  The engine goes off and the taxi driver opens his door and gets out of the car. I sit up and look out the back window. The taxi man walks to the car behind. He puts his face in their window.

  I’m sadder than I’ve ever been. Jack is near but I can’t reach him. I let my eyes wander over the snowy fields to the endless line of the sky. I try to find Jack out there. I imagine him coming towards me with his arms out. Calling my name.

  I tried so hard to reach Jack. I was nearly there. I didn’t do it. The radio stopped me.

  Dotted over the white snow are huge Swiss rolls of hay. Icing snow sits on the top of them. There’s a gap in the hedge next to me. I can see a house on the hill. Where are you, Jack?

  The taxi man said Jack’s house isn’t far. Is that Jack’s house? It’s white with green shutters…

  Jack said on his card, The 1 paynted wite with see-green shuters.

  I don’t have time to check in my bag. I zip up my coat, open the door as quiet as a mouse and slip out. I gasp as the ice-air hits my face. I don’t wait to see if the taxi man heard me.

  I slip through the gap.

  I run beside the hedge where no one can see me. I run and run and don’t look back. I run towards a Swiss roll. It’s huge and I can hide behind it. My chest burns fire-hot. The rucksack gets heavier and heavier. I check behind me to see if I’m being watched, then cut across the field. I throw myself behind the hay roll and try and find my breath.