Dumfries

by Todd, Ian

  It wis wan ae these family and boyhood approved school ties tae The Big Man and Wan-bob Broon that hid been causing Simon grief…that and the fact that despite everywan agreeing no tae get involved in daeing dirty work fur Wan-bob, Silent hid fucked up big-style, by shooting Deck McGuiness in the side ae the heid in Wee Jimmy Tarbuck’s Chinese Laundry doon in Finnieston.

  Honest John McCaffrey ran wan ae the biggest new and second-haun shoaps in Glesga, dealing in washing machines, cookers, fridges, freezers…in fact, anything remotely connected tae kitchens and hoosehold appliances, Honest John wis yer man. No matter how big or wee, domestic or industrial, if it hid been engineered tae operate in a kitchen, Honest John could get ye wan. He supplied hauf ae the hotels and hooses in Glesga wae aw their electrical appliances much cheaper than anywan else. He even kitted oot aw the polis station canteens in the city wae knocked-aff gear. As well as the shoap flair space and coonters lined wae white good stock, Honest John hid a massive parts department that flogged spare parts for any domestic appliance known tae wummin…vacuum cleaners being a particular big money-maker seemingly. Johnboy’s ma and aw her pals thought Honest John wis the bees-knees. There wis always a big advertisement spread in The Glesga Echo, The Evening Times and The Evening Citizen, practically every day and night, wae Honest John’s ugly mug smiling oot at everywan. No matter whit time ae the day ye went in tae his vast three-storey shoap, there wur always groups…maistly wummin…haunin o’er untraceable cash-in-haun dosh fur some piece ae shite or other. Snappy and Honest John, fur some strange reason, goat oan like a hoose oan fire. Whenever they bumped intae each other in the street or when Honest John wis hissing by in his luxury Roller, he’d get his driver tae screech tae a halt before the windae in the back passenger seat wid slide doon.

  “Snappy, ya wee sticky-fingered, thieving cunt, ye, where hiv ye been? Where’s ma good stuff, eh?”

  Anytime Snappy came across a goods wagon or a lorry stuffed wae kitchen appliances, Honest John took the lot, nae questions asked, cash-in-haun. Depending oan how hot the swag wis at the time, the appliances wur either sold via the shoap flair or advertised via his front shoap windaes facing the street or broken up and sold as parts. That wis the public face ae the basturt. Nowan wae any sense crossed Honest John or messed wae any ae his family. He’d been born in the Toonheid and hid run aboot wae The Big Man when they wur still in shitey nappies. There wis always a hunner and wan tales oan the go aboot Honest John’s antics at wan time ae the day or night. The man wis a living legend in Glesga’s crooked folklore. His day face always hid a smile plastered aw o’er it, whether it wis him smiling up fae his newspaper adverts when ye wur eating yer breakfast or scoffing yer tea when ye came hame fae a hard day’s slog or when ye bumped intae him en-route between the bookies and his Roller. He always hid a smile fur everywan and the wummin in the city flocked tae his shoap across in Dumbarton Road tae pay homage tae the ‘Hoosewife’s Best Friend’ and tae haun o’er their man’s hard-earned dosh. A lot ae families in the city wid jump oan the bus and use their visit tae his shoap, ‘Honest John’s Kitchen Essentials,’ as a family day outing fur everywan. It wis said that ye could spend a full day in Honest John’s and still no see hauf ae the shite that he hid oan display.

  At night, Honest John’s coupon wis a different picture aw thegither. He wis wan ae the biggest money launderers and loan sharks in the city. It wis even whispered that The McGregor’s put their dosh through his tills. Honest John wis wan ae the scariest and nastiest fuckers Johnboy hid ever come across, and he’d come across a few, so he kept a safe distance between him and Silent by gieing the ugly basturt a body-swerve when it looked like they might end up crossing each other’s paths. Every penny became a prisoner wance it crossed Honest John’s oily palm. He only liked ye if he wis getting something fae ye. If ye hid nothing tae offer, ye wur lucky tae get a sniff ae his arse. Everywan knew that The Big Man hid stacks ae politicians, Corporation officials and bizzies in his back pocket, bit it wis nothing tae Honest John’s list ae subscribers. In the sixties, The Big Man and Honest John hid fallen oot big-style. Johnboy hid heard that the shite hid hit the fan at the first ae Donna Molloy’s four weddings, before she’d eventually settled doon tae live happily ever efter wae some scummy social worker across in posh Giffnock. Donna, The Big Man’s sister, wis first married tae a guy called Big Pick, a nasty troll fae Dennistoun. Seemingly, Honest John hid been perching oan Donna Molloy before, during and efter her engagement tae Big Pick. Whitever the trigger hid been, hid been lost in the midst ae time, bit it hid inadvertently come tae light during the best man’s speech that Honest John hid been dipping his wick where he shouldnae hiv been and World War Three hid kicked aff. Two months ae bad and spilt blood later, Honest John hid been sent packing tae sunny Partick tae take up other meaningful employment in the washing machine business. Being the enterprising soul that he wis, Honest John still hid close business dealings wae The Big Man, bit he wis oot ae the inner circle fur good. Tae some people, maistly auld grannies and the likes ae Johnboy’s ma and her pals, Honest John came across as being a big saft cuddly bear. They obviously hidnae noticed that he hid hauns like sledgehammers. He must’ve been o’er six feet four in his fancy silk socks. He also hid five daughters ae varying sizes, shapes and ages, who, alang wae their men-folk and grown up weans, manned the tills in his shoap like hungry Dobermans. Despite trying, none ae The Mankys could quite work oot the connection, bit seemingly, Deck McGuiness wis Honest John’s auntie’s brother-in-law’s son-in-law’s nephew’s uncle oan the grannies side ae the family, or something jist as complicated as that. Even though nowan wis supposed tae hiv known whit hid become ae Deck, it soon became obvious that Honest John hid goat wind that a dastardly deed hid been done, added two and two thegither before coming up wae five, and hid set oot tae find oot who the perpetrators ae Deck’s enforced early retirement fae the bone crushing business wur. Even though it hid been Silent that hid done the damage oan his lonesome, in a place like Glesga, that meant that aw The Mankys collectively wid be held responsible and wid share the consequences, should any come-back be forthcoming.

  Three weeks before Deck’s demise, Wan-bob hid put Honest John in contact wae Simon. Honest John hid wanted the whole ae the ground flair ae his shoap covered in some new padded industrial Lino flaircovering. The stuff wis worth an absolute erm and a leg and Simon hid jist taken delivery ae enough tae cover the whole ae Honest John’s Kitchen Essentials ground flair space. Despite knowing better, Simon hid jumped in feet first wae his eyes wide shut. Fur him, it wis jist another juicy contract that hid been put his way by Wan-bob or Charlie Hastie. Simon hid been getting a lot ae big jobs through Wan-bob’s connections in the toon wae the big hotels and the emergence ae the casinos and big multi-storey office blocks up oan the south side ae Sauchiehall Street near Charing Cross. Simon wid haun o’er ten percent ae the contract price tae Wan-bob fur any jobs that he put his way. It wis easy money, as Simon jist added ten percent oan tae his awready knocked doon prices. The fact that maist ae the carpets and lino used oan the jobs wur aw knocked aff, meant Simon wis always gonnae make a killing. It hid taken Frankie Fritter, Simon’s right-haun carpet fitter and enforcer and three other carpet fitters a full weekend, the weekend before Deck copped his whack, tae cover the ground flair ae Honest John’s Kitchen Essentials. When Simon hid nipped up tae collect his dosh, the week efter the shooting, Honest John hidnae been anywhere tae be seen. Efter a further two weeks ae Simon trying tae collect whit he wis owed, Honest John hid finally telt him that he wisnae getting paid. No only that, bit he’d also telt Simon tae tell Snappy that he widnae be welcome in the shoap fae there oan in. It hid jist been as well that Frankie Fritter hid been wae Simon at the time or it could’ve goat really ugly. Efter being telt he wisnae getting his hard-earned money, Frankie hid hid tae drag Simon, screaming and cursing o’er the sound ae Honest John’s high pitched laughter, oot ae the shoap. Since then, Simon hid been like a badger wae a septic arse. Tony hid even manag
ed tae set up a meeting wae Wan-bob, bit Wan-bob hid made it clear that he didnae want tae get involved, despite hivving set up the transaction in the first place. Tae rub salt intae his wounds, Simon wis still expected tae haun o’er ten per cent tae Wan-bob. It hidnae taken Simon long tae turn his attentions tae Johnboy, and tae Silent in particular. As far as he wis concerned, no only hid Johnboy and Silent gone against everywan’s agreement no tae plug Deck McGuiness oan behauf ae Wan-bob, bit The Mankys hid goat sweet fuck-aw ae the money that hid been due them in the first place. Simon hid also hinted that he felt that Silent should pay him the money that he’d lost oot oan fae the deal wae Honest John. Everywan, including Silent, hid pissed themsels laughing when that wan hid been brought up.

  Even though everywan hid found Simon’s demand funny, Johnboy hid spoken wae Tony aboot Simon’s petty attitude towards Silent, bit Tony hid jist shrugged they shoulders ae his and telt him Silent wid jist need tae accept he’d been totally oot ae order and that Simon wis entitled tae be feeling aggrieved at the baith ae them.

  “People ur entitled tae be pissed aff wae youse pair ae dumplings. Ah’m still annoyed masel. Under nae circumstances his that fucking eejit tae be allowed tae touch, never mind carry a gun, withoot everybody agreeing beforehaun. Hiv ye goat that noo?” Tony hid growled.

  Snappy hid seemed quite happy that Silent wis in the bad books. Ever since gaun back tae watch The Godfather twenty-odd times, Snappy hid imagined himsel as being some sort ae Capo de Tutti tae Tony. Snappy wis fine maist ae the time, bit he wis totally aff his heid and could be a real pain in the arse. Silent hid been a Manky since the Toonheid days. If it came tae a choice, Tony wid always side wae Silent…ae that, Johnboy hid nae doubt. In the meantime, Johnboy hid spent maist ae his waking hours trying tae figure oot how tae bring Silent in fae the cauld. He’d known fine-well that a chance ae redeeming Silent in Simon’s eyes wid turn up eventually, bit it hid been a right pain in the arse hivving tae wait fur a solution tae appear oan the horizon. It hid been a chance meeting wae Senga Jackson’s uncle that hid gied Johnboy the opportunity tae call in the chips, no only fur Silent, bit fur himsel as well, hivving been blamed fur letting the accident wae Deck happen in the first place. Jim Sweeney worked fur The Clydeside Cash Register Company that wis based up oan the Balmore Industrial Estate. Jim wis a fine guy and as honest as the day wis long. It wis also fine that he didnae live in Springburn, bit up in The Barracks, across in Maryhill, thus daeing away wae any connection tae Springburn and The Mankys. Johnboy hid bumped intae him oan Keppochhill Road when he wis up delivering a chest ae drawers tae Jim’s sister…Senga’s ma. It hid been while Johnboy wis staunin chewing the cud wae him that he’d asked Jim if he wis busy at work. Jim hid telt him that they wur gonnae be starting a job first thing oan the Monday morning. The job in question hid been the installation ae the new-fangled, fancy electric tills in ‘Honest John’s Kitchen Essentials’ across in Partick. Jim hid also telt Johnboy oan the Q T that these wans wur surplus stock because they didnae hiv safety battery-back-up installed in them if the electric power went oan the blink. It hid taken Tony nearly two weeks tae set up a meeting wae Wan-bob.

  “Nae chance!” hid been Wan-bob’s first reaction.

  “Look, ye owe us a couple ae hunner quid fur helping ye oot wae Deck McGuiness.”

  “That wis nothing tae dae wae me. That wis aff yer ain backs, so it wis.”

  “Johnboy, tell him. Did Ah no send you and Silent oot tae take care ae Deck that day as part ae oor agreement wae Wan-bob?” Tony hid growled, as aw eyes turned tae Johnboy.

  Sitting looking at Johnboy hid been Wan-bob, Peter The Plant, Shaun and Danny Murphy, The Goat and Charlie Hastie. Other than looking nothing like Sicilians, they could’ve aw been extras oot ae The Godfather. It hid been a pity Snappy hidnae been present. It might’ve knocked some ae the fantasy shite oot ae that thick heid ae his. Staunin facing Wan-bob Broon under the scrutiny ae The Big Man’s insurance salesmen team, wis nae laughing matter and enough tae make even the hardest ticket in the toon shite they breeks ae his. Johnboy, tentatively at first, bit soon growing in confidence, explained how him and Silent hid zigzagged across the city until they’d finally tracked Deck doon tae Wee Jimmy Tarbuck’s. Aye, he admitted, he did hiv money tae pass oan tae Wee Jimmy fae Tony, bit that hid jist been a fluke. Given that Deck hid ended up in Jimmy’s, Johnboy hid explained that it didnae make sense tae go back another day wae Jimmy’s money, seeing as baith Deck and Wee Jimmy wur engrossed in a wee dispute there in front ae them.

  “Fuck’s sake, he should be oan Jackanory, that wan, so he should,” Shaun Murphy hid harrumphed in disbelief.

  “Look at that fucking nose ae his. It’s jist grown another five inches,” Peter The Plant hid mocked.

  “Look, ye asked whit happened and Ah’m jist telling youse, so Ah am,” Johnboy hid retorted oan the defensive, lying through they white teeth ae his.

  “So, whit dae ye want fae me then?” Wan-bob hid finally asked, tiring ae the entertainment in front ae him, still clearly no convinced by Johnboy’s explanation and ignoring Tony’s attempts tae get the focus ae the conversation shifted back tae him.

  “The go-aheid tae get back whit Simon’s owed,” Johnboy hid blurted oot.

  “Owed?” Wan-bob hid growled, eyes turning tae slits.

  “Look, we’re no asking any ae ye tae dip intae yer ain pockets, so we’re no, even though we feel we’ve been ripped aff efter aw the time and money we put intae getting rid ae Deck McGuiness fur youse. It’s no as if it’s gonnae interfere wae anything youse ur up tae wae Honest John, noo, is it?” Tony hid pleaded soothingly, nipping in quick tae pull Johnboy oot ae the bucket ae shite he’d jist put wan ae his size tens in.

  “Whit dae ye think, Charlie?” Wan-bob hid asked that right-haun man ae his.

  “It’s never a dull moment wae these wee manky fuckers, is it? They’re well named, so they ur. Sometimes, Ah wonder why we put up wae them the way we dae. If it wisnae fur their entertainment value, Ah wid’ve skelped their bare manky arses long ago. Ah’m happy tae gie them the nod though. It’s probably aboot time somewan brought that clown doon a peg or two, jist tae remind him he’s no God…yet,” Charlie hid said tae sniggers and laughter fae the bears.

  Johnboy hid wanted tae run across and gie the evil basturt a big hug. As well as Wan-bob, Charlie Hastie hid always been fair wae The Mankys. If it hidnae been fur them, Tony, Johnboy, Silent, Paul McBride and Joe McManus wid probably hiv ended up doon at Greasy Jake’s long before they wur oot ae short troosers. Johnboy hid looked across at Tony, who wis staunin there wae a big cheesy grin spread across his dark-tanned kisser. Baith the Murphy Brothers and Peter The Plant hid been smiling, bit Tony and Johnboy knew fine well they widnae hiv been happy wae the turn ae events.

  “Right, well, here’s whit youse pair need tae take oan board. None ae Honest John’s family or anywan else that works in the shoap ur tae be hurt in whitever it is youse ur up tae, including Honest John himsel. If he finds oot who’s ripped him aff, youse ur oan yer ain, although Ah’ll make sure that any come-back is proportional tae whitever ye’ve goat planned fur him.”

  “Aw, brilliant, Bob!” Tony hid exclaimed, gieing Johnboy a nod, letting him know they wur exiting quick before Wan-bob could change his mind.

  “Oh, and another thing, Tony, Ah’ll be wanting ma usual ten percent ae whit ye blag aff ae that robbing, dishonest cunt and we’ll hiv nae mair chatter aboot who owes who aboot here fae noo oan. Hiv ye goat that?”

  “Aye, nae problem, Bob,” Tony hid replied, grabbing Johnboy by the erm.

  Tony and Johnboy hid fought hard tae contain themsels and no tae skip across the carpeted flair as they heided fur the green exit sign above the side door ae The Big Man’s new casino, The Capstan Club.

  “Right, Johnboy, don’t keep everywan in suspense. Ye’d better explain tae Simon whit yer cloud wae the silver lining means before the batteries in that brain ae his run oot,” Tony commanded, as aw eyes in the room hi
d turned tae him.