And arlarse is like. Now where were we?
He tells me I’m better than his Mrs. And he tells me I’m better than most birds. Coz I don’t say nothin.
But he always says this when he wants something. He says his Mrs goes on and on and on and sometimes he wants to slap her one to shut her up. I don’t say nothing.
He tells me he wants to go round the back only I say I’ve not had a bath today even though I’ve had. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. Today it does. He makes me do him round the front and when he’s done he tells me to pull my kex up then tells me to get out.
I’m like. We’re miles away.
Only he’s shrugging.
I get out. He drives off. Makes a cloud of smoke coz its not rained for days.
I get an ice pop on the way home.
Boring today.
Sitting in kitchen. Ma at sink, singing. Slow song with bitsa French in – sounds like nothing on earth. Ma drops plate on floor n swears. Starts moaning coz she broke her finger nail.
So what? I think.
Then she sings the song I like. Ma wiggled her hips in the boopoopeedoop parts. I join in.
Ma stops and turns round.
Shut it Darren. You can’t sing for toffee. Your tone deaf.
I shut up, go all quiet and twist the spoon in the sugar bowl.
Ma? I ask when she stops singing.
What?
Ma turns round with that piss off look on her face.
Who’s my Dad?
Ma turns back and pulls plug out of the sink. I’m leaning forward like I’m gonna retch or something, think she’s going to tell me.
We made a deal Darren. She says.
I remember her deal. She’s gonna tell me when I’m eighteen.
You eighteen yet lad? She asks.
You know I’m not.
She makes some stupid noise like Huh and started wiping the drainer. She smiles dead wicked then giggles, looks at me then back at the drainer.
Darren?
She sat down aside me. She brings the big blue sauce pan. The heavy one. It near crashes on the table when she put it down. She sits there polishing it with the cloth. She loves that fucking pan.
She loves that fucking pan more an me.
What Ma?
You want me to tell you who your father is?
I nod my head n try an look all angelic.
Ma smiles. Your father was sin. She laughs.
Sin?
Dunno what she’s on about there. But its making her laugh.
Yeah. He may as well’ve been, coz your as ugly as sin. Ma laughs. Some joke.
I get up and get out. I wanna say to her. I’m not ugly. If I was ugly why does ____ wanna do me? But I know there’ll be murders so I don’t. All day long I hear the laughing in my ears. Makes me wanna cry.
I go down into the gardens by the Cathedral. Sit on the tooms. Is dead quite here and no one ever comes. It’s like another planet. Flowers. Weeds. Grass. Paths. And shitloads of dead people.
Yeah well a least dead people don’t take the piss.
I read a name on a toom.
HORATIA DELAMERE 1812–1845
I can’t get over how weird that name is. For a second I see my own name there. But then I think as if they’d ever have a Darren in here.
I head back. Go to Umed’s shop and get an ice pop.
I love ice pops me.
When I get home Robbie’s sitting in front of the telly. Grange Hill.
Your gob’s all orange. He goes.
Had an ice pop. I goes.
Your off your head. He goes.
Your a nob. I goes.
And we both giggle.
Then I see Ma crying.
What you crying for? I ask.
Sad. She sniffs.
Sad?
Grange Hill. She goes.
Robbie looks up like he only just seen her then looks back at the screen.
Ma gets up and goes to her room.
Wake up Darren.
First thing I heard this morning. Ma leaning over me. What jew want?
You got a tenner to lend me Darren.
A tenner?
Yes. A tenner. What are you? Deaf?
I sit up in bed. Why?
I haven’t got any money Darren, give me a tenner.
Stop yelling Ma, you’ll wake the whole house up.
I get her a tenner.
Oh who gives a fuck about this house. She screams. With the nig nogs downstairs and Fatty Arbuckle up top.
I’m like. Don’t let them hear you call them that they’re nice.
And she’s laughing. Coz she knows its wound us up.
She’s got a posh coat on. Not one she goes earning in.
Bad night? I ask.
No night. She says, holding the tenner up to the window.
Yer all right Ma it’s not counterfit. Why weren’t you earning?
Mind your own. And then she leaves.
Strange. Ma doesn’t usually have night offs usually.
Where’s Ma? I ask Rob later.
Gone the doctors.
Ma sick?
Rob shrugs his shoulders.
We hear a car pull up outside. I go the window an look. It’s him.
Am going out. I go. I won’t be long.
Lucy come round today. Everyone was out so she come round. Drew the curtains so can’t see the cathedral and she just sat and played the tennis game on the telly then went. Her hair was a mess and she didn’t really do much. Think she was in a bit of a mood. She gets like that.
Bored bored bored. Always the same. Lad downstairs bored too. We go the pub. Rigby’s.
Some fit birds here. He says.
Yeah.
Askin for it.
Yeah.
I don’t even know what his name is. Only ever let on to him before, hardly ever spoken. Know his Ma though. She’s nice. Hair like brillo pads in the kitchen. Ma’s mate Margy says she could sort that out with Frizz ease or some conditioner but I reckon his Ma’s not arsed about stuff like that. She’s like really into God. Always gives me a big smile. Always up early on a Sunday to go the church on Percy Street.
Ma says she’s screwing the Priest.
I say no.
I wonder what him downstairs would make of Lucy. Wonder if he’d think she was asking for it.
Some girls walk over.
Hiya Richie. One of them goes.
So his name downstairs is Richie.
These girls glamruss.
Who’s your mate Richie?
Richie interduce us.
This is Darren. He lives upstairs to me.
Hiya Darren.
Alright I says blushing probly red like a pillar box.
Darren this is Smantha and Lu.
I laugh.
What you laughin at?
Lu. I says. Your name’s the same as our bog.
Smantha and Richie laugh. The Lu girl gets all fuming.
You cheeky get.
Thought she was gonnarit me. But no.
Smantha starts going on about how her Dad has lost his job at Tate and Lyle and how he is going to do something called the March for Jobs. Loads of people are going to walk all the way from Liverpool to London to protest at the government. Smantha says me and Richie should go on it coz her and Lu are. Richie makes out he’s intrested but I don’t. How can I tell them I hardly never go out? This is a one off. I live in town. Furthest I go is town. How can someone like me walk all the way to London? Smantha says it’s important. Lu doesn’t look so sure. She’s wearing high heels and leg warmers.
Best not do it in them shoes. I go. And the girls laugh.
I drink too much as usual. Smantha and Lu catch last bus home to Wavertree. Me and Richie walk home. Walk like a pair of weebles. Wobbling everywhere and falling off the pavement into the street.
Goodnight Darren. Richie says by the stairs.
Richie’s ok.
Room spins round and when I wake up me throats all dry
.
Ma’s trip to the doctors must have made her better coz she’s earning again. It’s raining bad. I try not to think of her. Rob should be in bed, but he’s in here watching my telly. I look out at all the goldy blocks of light in the houses opposite and wonder if she’s in any of them. Rob says nothing. He’s gone dead quite to me recently.
There’s this fella. Rob goes suddenly. I look back at him. Hanging round by the school. I think he’s watching me.
What’s he look like?
Old. Dunno. Forty?
Has he talked to you?
Nah.
Just keep away from him. Stick with your mates. You’ll be all right.
I look back out of the window. I’ll kill ____.
I was like. You been spying on our Robert?
And he was like. No. Fuck off. What d’you think I am some perv?
Which actchally made me laugh. And he give me this look. And the look was like he didn’t understand what I was laughing at. And it was then I realize he thought this was all fine and not pervy and completely normal.
Some bloke’s been hanging bout. Staring at him.
Where?
School.
Teacher?
Outside.
Want me to look into it?
No.
He might be a nonce.
I think now might not be the time to point out I’m 15. But I don’t fancy a black eye so don’t.
When I get home Lucy comes over. She’s quite chatty today. Rabbiting on about this and that. Most of it bollocks. She puts one of Ma’s records on and has a little dance.
Why jew always draw the curtains? You ashamed of me? That’s what she says.
You know why Lucy.
And she just keeps carrying on dancing. She’s a boss dancer. Well. She’s a better dancer than me. Not that that’s saying much.
I look at the clock and its half two. I have an idea and I ask her to leave. She goes. I draw the curtains back. And then get the bus to Rob’s school.
Rob goes to this posh school in Allerton. Red bricks. Clock tower. Boss place and it’s got trees in the grounds with pink flowers on it. Like something out of a movie about private school only this isn’t private. But he did have to pass an interview to get in. There’s a phone box over road from the school so I goes and stands in that to see if I can see the fella watching our Rob. When school starts to let out I look about but can’t see nothing. When I see our Rob I come out the box and stick me hands in my mouth and do my whistle. He looks over. He’s dead surprised to see me but comes across the street.
What you doing here Darren?
Wanted to see if that fella was here.
Rob looks about. Then looks back to me and shakes his head.
Oh well. Mays well get the bus with you.
And we walk down to Penny Lane and wait outside the bogs.
Shit. I hear Rob say.
What?
He’s there.
I look where he is looking and outside the charity shop over the road I see this fella looking in the window.
You sure?
I’m not thick Darren.
And before I really know what I’m doing I’m marching over the road and giving it large to the bloke by the charity shop. Rob’s coming too but he don’t say nothing. I start screaming at the fella.
What you doing hanging round the boys school laa? And why you so fucking interested in my fucking brother you nonce?
And I carry on like that. All angry and scally and not like me really and this man actually looks scared. For once in my life I have thrown my weight around and actchally made someone scared. Someone who isn’t me. Is scared of me. When usually it’s me scared of . . . so many things.
And while I’m banging on he sort of stammers something and I don’t hear. But Rob is looking pale as a sheet.
You what? I go.
And he says it again. And this time I hear.
I think Robert might be my son.
Rob’s got a Dad. He don’t have to wait til he’s eighteen to find out. Not that I know that’s the deal Ma made with the golden child. Rob does everything right. I never do. Rob stays at school. Rob works hard. Rob behaves hisself. Rob’s good looking. Some people have all the luck. And now he’s got a dad.
He doesn’t go on about it coz he knows it makes me sad. I tell him he can talk about it if he wants to but he says he doesn’t.
He’s seen him twice now. But I’m not allowed to tell Ma. His name is Cameron and he lives in the Wirral which is posh. I wanna ask loads of questions but coz Rob don’t wanna talk it’s hard. All I know is it wasn’t Ma who told him coz he’s not seen her for years but he knows someone who knows her and that’s how he heard. He is married now and his wife don’t know and he needs to keep it that way and Rob’s cool with that.
I don’t get Rob some times. If that was me I’d be made up, over the moon. But he just seems non plus. Not arsed. But that’s him, takes everything in his stride.
Some days I wonder. Would Rob rather go and live with Cameron and his wife in the Wirral. They probably got a nice posh house, maybe a cottage, with gardens and trees and flowers everywhere. Stead of living here with me and Ma. With me indoors all the time and Ma out earning.
What would it be like for me living with Ma on my own? I don’t like the idea. Maybe I’d leave. But then I don’t really like going out so I don’t know where ad go.
And sides. It’s not like Rob is gonna go live with his Dad when his wife don’t even know he exists.
But one day Rob is gonna be old enough to go and then where will I go? He’s clever. He’ll go off to University or big careers and look at me then. Sat in here like a massive gobshite with tenners from Ma like Billy No mates.
What’s gonna go on with me then?
The march for jobs was on the news. I tried to see Smantha but I couldn’t. But that’s probably coz by the time the march got to London there was like a hundred thousand people on it or something. Like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Is really hot today. Have to open all the windows in the flat. Wanna get a gun and shoot down the cathedral so it don’t block the breeze from the river. Lucy was gonna come round but too hot for her. She don’t like the heat.
Seen Richie before at the bottom of the stairs.
We’ll have to go for another drink some time. I say. Richie laugh.
Yeah. Not at the mo Darren, I’m skint.
Know the feeling. I say but I’m lying. Ma always gives me money when I want it. Always got a tenner in me pocket. Never tennerless.
Ma singing in her room tonight. Brass in pocket. She don’t sound too bad. I stand outside her door and listen in. Suddenly she stops.
I can here you out there you know.
I creep away.
Later she comes out and she looks a million dollars.
You look nice Ma. Goes Robbie.
Tar laa. Goes Ma.
Dead nice. I go.
She just looks at me.
Goin out earning?
She shakes her head. If you must know I’ve got a date.
What’s his name Ma?
Geoffrey.
And me and Rob burst out laughing.
What? Theres nothing wrong with the name Geoffrey.
Is it someone you met through the earning? I go.
No it’s not now do this necklass up for us.
I help her fasten it round her neck. I’m a bit fingers n thumbs at first and she’s like. What you tryina do Darren? Murder me?
And I go. If only.
And I can tell she’s in a good mood and excited coz she actchally laughs.
She smells of perfume and ciggies. She checks herself in the mirror over the fireplace and I think you know what, Lucy would love that dress.
The lady in red. I goes. Coz she is in a red dress. Her hair is up in red combs and she is wearing red high heels.
Scarlet woman. Ma agrees and then she heads out.
Robbie sits in his room doing his homewo
rk and I watch telly bored when doorbell goes.
It’s Margy.
Where’s your Ma? She’s not earning.
I know she’s on a date.
A date?
I know.
Not like your Ma.
I know.
She’s a giddy kipper. Where’s your Rob?
In his room.
And she just goes and sees him without knocking. A few seconds later I hear her laughing really loudly. She never laughs like that with me. I carry on watching the telly and she’s in with him for the whole of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
When she comes out she’s like. See you Darren. And off she goes into the night. Everyone wants to talk to Rob and no one wants to talk to me. Story of my life.
When Ma gets back she’s in a boss mood. Giggly and friendly til I tell her Margy’s been round.
What she want?
Wanna see you.
How long she here for?
Half hour? Dunno. She was in with Rob most of the time.
Then she goes into Rob’s room and puts the light on and wakes him up. Five minutes later she comes out and heads into her room.
You gonna see him again? I shout.
Who?
Geoffrey.
Mind yer own.
And she slams her door shut.
Rain today. Feels nice coz it’s been so hot lately. I’m off out to the betting shop and there’s this girl on the doorstep.
Hiya Darren.
She know me? I look at the face under the umbrella.
Smantha! You calling for Richie?
Yeah.
I let her in. She says she’s been ringing his bell for five minutes but no reply. I take her to the door where his family live and she knocked.
Richie not in.
Nobody in.
Smantha pulls a face. He said he’d be in. I got a taxi n everything.
She seemed upset.
Your wet. I said.
Smantha laughs. Your very quick on the uptake. It’s people like you go on Mastermind.
I say she can go up to ours to dry out til the rain goes off and she’s made up.
Smantha surprised at the size of the house.
Ay its big Darren.
Mm.
Where’s the family? She ask.
Erm.
Smanthas looking out of big window at the street below.
Me Ma’s at work.
What she do? Smantha sitting down now.
She sings.
Sings? Is she famous?
I shook me head.
She’s a cabaray singer.
She used to be so I’m only half lying.
The Girl Who Just Appeared Page 11
