Being Diane

by Dennis Adkins

  Chapter 25

  We spent the rest of the day shopping and looking at all the new fashions for Christmas. Then we had to leave and go back to Salem. I want to stay for the rest of my life where I could be me, but I knew that I had obligations at home, namely a large black and brown dog named Smokey who was going to be a bear if I didn’t spend some time with him.

  She took me home after stopping at her home and letting me put my clothes up and put on my other clothes. I helped her put her clothes up and visited with Defiance for a few minutes I asked him if he was going to be with me in the coming fight. He stood up on his hind legs and definitely shook his head yes. I felt better then.

  At the barn, I had brought some bras and panties to wear since they fit better and a couple of pairs of pants and blouses. My butt just didn’t fit into my old pants anymore and I was having difficulty keeping the top of my shirts buttoned. I had made a closet in the center of the barn to keep my clothes clean and dry. So I hung my clothes in there. Ralph came out to see me and he brought news that I really didn’t want to hear.

  “Hey how’s it going? I see you have almost filled in all of the cracks in the walls and gotten rid of all of that hay.” He said.

  “Thanks. How is it going with you?” I asked making conversation.

  “Well it was going pretty good until yesterday.” He said.

  “I was watching TV after we had thanksgiving with Uncle Will’s family. Dad came home. He’s been really nice to both Mom and me. He keeps asking where his guns are and he tried to come out here and look around for them. He got real mad when he found that you had put a door up and locked it. So be careful he’s been drinking and he says he wants to talk to you. Uncle Will made me promise to call him as soon as you got home. I think he believes that there is going to be trouble when dad finds out you are here.” he said. “I need to talk to you about something that is important to me.”

  “Okay shoot.”

  “Are you gay?”

  “No, I am turning into a girl and I can’t stop it. As far as being gay no, I don’t like any of the guys here. I really like Sally and I am not sure how it is going to turn out with her.” I said.

  “Why are you turning into a girl? What happened?” he asked.

  “Do you remember about two years ago when I told you I fell out of a tree and hurt myself?”

  “Yeah, so what. We have all done that, but I aint turning into no girl.”

  “My balls died then and I am not producing any male hormones so I am developing female traits now. I was recently diagnosed with gender identity disorder on top of that. So now I am going to become a female whether I want to or not.” I said.

  “Do you want to?” he asked.

  “Yeah I do. I am happier as a female and I function better as a female. So yes I want to be a female and I am going to be one.” I said.

  “Okay as long as you aren’t gay and try to hit on any of the guys.”

  “You tell them that they need not hit on me. I have already had to put up with three of the football players lying about me and two of the teachers too. I’m not going to play nice anymore. I am not going to roll over and take the abuse anymore.” I said.

  “Don’t worry you won’t. You know Granddaddy asked me if I wanted to stay on the farm when he was writing his will but I told him that I didn’t want anything to do with it. I told him I wanted to join the military and see the world. I wanted to do more than toil in the fields all my life. He said he understood but he said something strange. The world isn’t all that great to see. Well, I had better get back. I’ll see you in school.” and he left.

  Dad came out to the barn and since I had locked the door so he couldn’t come in on me. He stood down at the front of the barn and screamed for me. I walked up to the front loft doors and opened them. He was standing there with a can of beer in his hand drunk as a skunk. “Get your ass down here right now you little fag.”

  I just stared at him for a minute, “No, now take your drunk ass and get off my property.”

  “You little piece of shit. Get your ass down here now or I’ll come up there and get you.” he screamed and took another drink.

  “No.” I said.

  “If you don’t get down here I’ll burn you out. I’ll be damned if any kid of mine will tell me no.” he slurred. Then he grabbed some dried weeds and some wood scraps and piled them up against the door and lit it.

  Uncle Will came up about that time, Ralph must have called him. He jumped out and stomped out the fire. I had gotten the bucket of dirt that I had scraped up from the floor and was going to pour it on the fire. Dad began to cuss Uncle Will and they got into a cuss fight. Then Dad told Uncle Will that he was going to burn that little faggot out and put an end to this. Uncle Will suddenly hit Dad once on the jaw and Dad fell to the ground.

  “You aren’t going to burn anything and if anything comes up missing or destroyed I will find you and I will kick your ass. Now get the hell off of my property and don’t set foot on it again.” yelled Uncle Will. Dad got up and took off for the house.

  “Are you alright?” he asked.

  “Yes sir,” I said, even though I was scared to death. Dad really meant to kill me and that was all there was to it.

  “Then come on down and get Smokey and let’s go. I can’t leave you here by yourself until your mother comes home.” he said.

  “I thought he was with you.” I said and I suddenly had a very bad feeling about him.

  “Come on let’s go find him. I’ll bet he’s caught a rabbit and he’s eating it.” Uncle Will said but he didn’t sound convincing.

  We walked around the tractor yard and down to the old mule barn. That was where I found him. He had been shot several times and left there. I fell to my knees and picked up his head and cried. My best friend was dead and I knew who had done it. I jumped up and took off to the house. Uncle Will was trying to catch me but I was mad and ran faster. I got to the house and could hear my Dad on the phone talking to someone. “Yeah baby, it looks like I am going to be leaving soon.” I ran into the living room and caught him by surprise and kicked him in the face as hard as I could, he dropped the phone and I kicked him again. Then I jumped on him and started beating him with my fists. I yelled at him the whole time. “You killed my dog you asshole. My best friend you shot him and left him for dead. I’m going to make you suffer like you made him suffer.” I kept going until Uncle Will came into the house and pulled me off. Dad sat up and I saw him reach into his waistband under his shirt. He pulled out a small pistol and I kicked at it and knocked it out of his hand. Uncle Will grabbed him by the hair of the head and his arm and threw him out the front door and told him to get gone and don’t come back ever come back or he would kill him. I guess that Dad knew when he was beat because he took off like a scalded dog. I haven’t seen him since.

  I went down and got Smokey’s body and brought it up to the house I picked a spot under his favorite tree and dug a grave for him. I wrapped him in a blanket and laid him in the grave. I couldn’t just bury him without a few words so I thought hard about it and said, “Smokey my best friend and protector I hope you rest in peace with plenty of rabbits and squirrels to chase. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to protect you from that monster. I know that you would have been here to protect me. Rest in peace.” And I filled in the grave and made a little cross and placed it at his head. Then I took some paint and wrote his name on the cross.

  Ralph went down to the courthouse without anybody knowing about it and asked the court to find Dad and make him start paying child support. He said that Mom didn’t deserve to work herself into an early grave. The judge must have agreed because the checks started coming as regular as clockwork every week. Things got better for Ralph after that. I was also helping by starting a savings account for him to get money when he needed it, but he didn’t know who had set it up or why. I figured that he didn’t deserve to suffer either.

  I worked on the barn and managed to finally get the loft in good sha
pe by Saturday afternoon except for the roof that was a tin roof. It had some serious issues from its age. I was going to have to replace it when I could. I knew that I would have to replace several of the rafters. As I looked at it, I saw that I was going to have to replace the entire roof. This was going to be expensive. I wondered if I could get the saw mill in town to cut up some of the trees in the wood lot. I took a tape measure and measured the old rafters and found that I was going to have to have sixteen foot rafters but instead of two by four, I wanted two by six rafters to withstand the weight of the long runs in the roof. I knew that the eight by eight oak columns would be able to handle the weight of a heavier roof. I needed an architect to help me, I was quickly getting into an area of building that I didn’t know anything about. I wondered if that student could help me. I would ask Mr. Givens how to get ahold of him. That evening Uncle Will came by and saw me drawing the barn to make a design for a home.

  “Hey you alright?” he asked.

  “Yes sir. I was just sitting here trying to figure out how to reinforce the roof and replace it and how much it would cost.” I said.

  “So you really are thinking about living here?” he asked.

  “Yes sir why not. I really can’t go into the house now, Mom and I finally spoke this afternoon. Well we didn’t speak it was more like a shouting match. She said Dad told her that I picked a fight and that you threw him out. She said he didn’t know why I did such a thing. Then I told her to tell that to Smokey and that she could find him under the tree in the back. Then I told her to check the phone bill when it comes in to see how much it cost for him to call his girlfriend. She really didn’t like that and said that he wasn’t seeing anybody else. I told her to take the blinders off and get with the program. He came home to get the things that I hid from those thugs and that he had no intentions of staying. Needless to say it degenerated after that and she went inside.” I said.

  He just shook his head, “Dennis I know it’s hard for you right now but you have to understand that it is just as hard for her too. She at least had a little income coming in from him. Now she is having to support the two of you and keep this house up. I think she wants to live in town where she will be close to work and has people around her. I have been trying to get her to sell the house to me if that is the way she feels but she said she would rather let it rot down first.” He said.

  “What if we have someone buy it for us. So she wouldn’t know who it was that was buying it?” I said.

  “What do you mean?” he said.

  “Enter into a contract with someone to buy the house for us. We pay the money and pay them a fee.” I said. “It would have to be someone that we could trust that would keep their mouths shut. Or since she wants to live in town, what we could do is buy a house that is worth about the same as this one and do a property swap with a contracted purchaser. I’ll bet she would go for it. We might have to throw in a little money to do it but we would be able to keep the house and the five acres. And I could use a place to live.” I said.

  “Let me check on that we might be able to do it.” he said.

  “So do you know when she wants to sell?” I asked.

  “Soon is all I get out of her.” he said. “I don’t think she has a buyer and she doesn’t have a real estate agent. I think we may be able to pull this off. I’ll see you later.”

  “Wait, do you think the sawmill in town would saw some logs for me? Reasonable.” I asked.

  “Yeah, but not reasonable. You would be better off to go down to Reynolds and get him to do it. He’s a lot better and he’ll do it for a good price. If you are going to cut some logs out of the wood lot then get them out of the northern end. And cut up the limbs into firewood so nothing is wasted.”

  “Yes Sir.” And he was gone. I went back to work and got the doors to the loft to seal better. I had my truck there, George had found another bed and put it on the truck, the color didn’t match, but that didn’t matter. I could get it painted later. All the lights worked on it so that was a plus. I had found a winch that would be perfect for it. I just had to figure out a way to mount it. George said he could build a custom bumper for the front and the back. I told him that would be great. I took the truck and drove over to the wood lot. I got my tape measure out and started looking for trees that were straight and could be turned into lumber the right length and dimension. I guessed that I would need a lot of lumber. I needed to talk to the architect first.

  The next morning I got up and drove up to Ms. Givens house. We had made a date to go to church. I had brought my bath things and took a bath. She wasn’t up yet so she let me in and went back to bed. I took my bath and got ready to go. She got up and took her bath. I made some pancakes and bacon while she was getting dressed. She came out and I brought her a cup of coffee even though she offered to do it for me. She groused about me never letting her forget about spilling the cokes on me that day. Defiance came out of his little house and I gave him a piece of pancake. My hair was almost dry so I brushed it out and styled it a little. Ms. Givens came in and sat down next to me.

  “Diane. Annie and Sally came by yesterday and both of them were upset. They had heard that it was final they aren’t going to let the boys on the cheerleading squad. I know that you want to do this but maybe it’s for the best. This way you can keep a low profile and not attract any more attention than you need.” She said.

  “That’s alright I was wondering how I was going to do all of the things that they want me to do. I still have a lot of things to do to the barn to make it livable for the winter. Although I may have that problem solved. I heard that my Mom wants to sell the house and move in town. She doesn’t want to sell it to us though. We may have found a sneaky way around that. Then I would have a heated house with a bath. Hallelujah!” I said.

  “That would be nice, you would be able to keep your clothes there also.”

  “Yeah I could. I didn’t think about that. I could get dressed at home and come on up to go to church. I wouldn’t have to get up at o’dark thirty to come up here to take a bath.” I said.

  “Yes now we have to get going if we are going to find a good seat.” She said.

  We met the Killibrew’s at church and I sat next to Chrissy. She was radiant this morning. Her boyfriend was two rows up in front of us. The sermon was about being true to yourself and I found it interesting, not that I understood everything, but it was interesting. I tried to be true to myself all the time. To be honest to myself about who I was and who I wanted to be. I tried to be honest with those around me also. I knew that in a perfect world I could do that but not here in the buckle of the Bible belt. I was different and that was not tolerated, although the young people were starting to see that being different wasn’t a bad thing. To have an idea, a dream, was good thing, to step outside of the box wasn’t around here.

  These people here would probably have a seizure if they knew I was born a boy and was coming to their church dressed as a girl. I could just see it now. Mrs. Rich and Powerful would scream and her husband would come to investigate and he would physically eject me from the house of God screaming obscenities the whole time. The preacher would come down from the front and tell me that I was going to hell and that I needed to change my ways. Yes, I try to be true to myself as much as possible, but I needed to live more than that. I also knew that a certain sect of the populace would consider me a cancer and try to eliminate me from the social body by any means they deemed necessary. They would justify their actions as what was best for the people. Just as the Nazi’s justified imprisoning people for their religion, ethnic back ground, sexual orientation and political ideals that didn’t agree with their leader’s ideas of purity, so would these people do whatever they thought was right to protect their own standard of moral purity. This country is full of examples of it with the Native Americans, African Americans, German and Japanese of World War II.

  We left and Mr. Killibrew wanted to try a new restaurant in Mississippi that was supposed to have a wo
nderful menu and a great atmosphere. Ms. Givens agreed to go with them and we took off. I didn’t mind going since I really didn’t have anything else to do. I was caught up on my homework and I would have just laid around the barn all afternoon until it was time to go to bed. I really liked being around the Killibrew family anyway. They treated me nice every time that I was with them. Mr. Killibrew said he wanted to talk to me for a few minutes anyway.

  We went to the Restaurant and it wasn’t right across the river like Mr. Killibrew said. Mrs. Killibrew was giving him a hard time about the length of the trip. Chrissy and I were sitting in the back seat snickering about her Mom and Dad with Junior. Finally, we stopped at a small town that had a beautiful downtown area. There in the middle was an old hotel that had been turned into a restaurant. It wasn’t much to look at on the outside but on the inside, it was very well done. With dark paneling, that was reminiscent of late nineteenth century décor and the chair rails around the walls, there was an old gas chandelier in the center with crystal globes, it was beautiful. We had just sat down when I looked up and there was the president of the school board with some rather unfriendly types. I kept my head down and he didn’t see me or I didn’t think he saw me. Mr. Killibrew saw him though and had the most sour look on his face. “I don’t know how he got elected to the school board. He is probably one of the worst examples of how kids should grow up. I really don’t care for him at all.” he said.

  Ms. Givens reached under the table and held my hand and gave it a little squeeze. “Honey are you alright?”

  “Yes mam. I just don’t like that man. He makes my blood run cold. Not for the reason that we discussed the other day but for something much more serious.” I said. I saw two men come in wearing suits, one of them turned just right and I saw a badge on his belt buckle as they were asking the waitress something. I asked Mr. Killibrew to come with me and we approached the men. Mr. Killibrew introduced himself and one of the men identified himself as an agent of the FBI. I told him that I knew he was following the school board member and his friends. He asked me if I knew where he was and I told them he was in the back and that they needed to arrest him.

  Mr. Killibrew asked if I knew anything that I needed to tell. I told them about lying in the alley after getting the crap beat out of me and hearing the conversation he had with one of the men that were with him now. The FBI guy went and found a telephone, after he told me to stay out of sight. We went back to the table like nothing had happened. In a few minutes, about three deputies and two state troopers showed up. Two of the deputies left and went around to the back door and the rest went into the back. A terrible ruckus ensued with chairs breaking and lots of cussing, but in a few minutes, they came back out with the three of them in handcuffs. Later that week I learned that, the three of them were charged with first degree murder. Well one down off the list and a bunch to go.

  Mr. Killibrew got me alone back at his house. We went into his office and he shut the door. “Diane, I need to talk to you seriously and I don’t want to offend you or make you feel persecuted.” he said. Then Julie and Mrs. Killibrew came in. “I was approached by a member of the community the other day and in the conversation you came up. It seems as though there are some parents who want you removed from school permanently. They feel as though you are a bad influence on the other kids and that you are a…..” and he paused looking for the right word.

  I beat him to the punch. “Pervert. Is that the word you are trying to avoid?”

  “Yes, yes, that’s it. He called you things I had never heard. I reminded him that he was supposed to be a Christian. I told him I didn’t want to hear that kind of language anytime. He said that he wasn’t the only one that felt the way he did. When I asked what was to happen to you, he said it would be better that you disappeared to become someone else’s problem as long as he and his friends didn’t have to see you. I made him mad when I repeated what he had said, that you were offending he and his friends not the kids. That was when he said that I could either be with them or be against them. It really doesn’t matter to me since Chrissy and Junior go to the private school, but I think that he and some of the others there are going to try to have you permanently suspended from school. I bring this up because Mr. Corning is representing them and has approached me to work a deal to prevent this from going public. He knows that our law firm represents you in other matters and he feels as it would hurt everybody involved.” He said.

  “Sounds like the former school board president talking if you ask me.” I said.

  “You know it does.” said Mrs. Killibrew. “I wonder if the school board will want the publicity especially after they find out that the police took him and his friends away today.”

  “It won’t hurt your case. I think we ought to sit on this for a few days and see what happens.” He said. “But in the meantime don’t do anything that will draw attention to yourself. In other words, dress neutral and act neutral. You don’t have to be untrue to yourself, but instead you have to be a sensible person who has to get an education to get ahead in life. After you get away from that bunch of adders you can do whatever you want.” he said.

  “I see, in order to graduate I will need to lay low and not develop or express my feminine personality.” I said. Then a horrible thought struck me. “Does this extend to my personal life also?”

  “Unfortunately it will to a degree. I think that they can prevent you from coming to any after school event or function and if they so deem you a nuisance, then they can use any actions on your part to have you removed from school. We are prepared to go to court for you but I can honestly say that by the time the case would be resolved you would be out of school anyway the only real positive thing that would come out of it would be case law for the future.”

  “Tell me could I get my GED if I were suspended from school and if I managed to get it then would I be able to go on to college?” I asked.

  “Yes, you would be able to get your GED, but I’m not sure if there is an age limit for going to college.” said Ms. Givens. “You know I will help you no matter what. However, it would be better if you stayed in school. These people just want you to disappear so they won’t have to deal with you. Staying in school would really cook their goose.”

  “I know that, but would it be the right thing for me. How would the pressure of trying to conform and keep the hate mongers at bay affect me and my ability to learn. I mean I am already under tremendous pressure now, what would it be like if they go on and try to toss me out of school? To me it would seem a better thing to let them do it and I get a GED and go on to college. That way I can get a jump on life and be ready to take my place as a co-owner.” I said.

  “I think that you need to talk to the college and see about getting a GED first and then find out if they will take you in college at an early age. Then we can make better plans.” said Mr. Killibrew.

  That was the plan then. The rest of the afternoon was spent talking about boys with Chrissy and fashion with Mrs. Killibrew and Ms. Givens. We solved a few of the world’s problems in there also. Now if we could just get the government to pay attention to us things would be fantastic.

  Chrissy and I helped cook supper. It wasn’t anything elaborate just toasted cheese and bologna sandwiches with French fries and baked beans. I loved to cook, but I hated to have to clean. Ms. Givens and Mrs. Killibrew agreed to clean if we would cook so it was on. I fixed the baked beans with a little hamburger meat and karo syrup added. Then I cut up the potatoes and fried them. We fixed the sandwiches and called everyone to the table. I was sitting next to Junior and he held my hand during the prayer. I didn’t think anything about it since I was holding Chrissy’s hand on the other side. Mr. Killibrew asked who taught me to cook. I told him the back of the box and by asking questions. He seemed to like that answer and laughed.

  That evening after getting back to Ms. Given’s house, she wanted to know what I thought of church. “I really love to go. I know they would hate me if they knew abo
ut me, but I wasn’t going for them. I was going to worship my God who I love very much. I know that he is looking out for me because he told me so. I just wish I could be there with friends and family. Instead of having to go way off to go to church, I would rather be here but that isn’t going to happen.”

  “I love church and the music. I thought at one time about being a nun but I really couldn’t see me doing that.” I gave her a surprised look and she huffed up then continued. “I would love to direct a choir but there isn’t an opening around here. I tried to get the choir directors job at the big church on the highway, but they wanted a married woman who was a little on the…how do I say it? Dumpy side, yes that is it. They didn’t want someone that was single and fairly good looking because they wanted someone that wouldn’t detract from the service with their good looks. I guess I’m happy that I didn’t get the job, I don’t believe that I could stand the bigots that go there. As I was leaving the interview one of the assholes even had the nerve to ask me out and he was married.” she said.

  “I understand about bigots going to church,” I said.

  “I wish you would consider staying here for the night. I’m sure that your dog will be alright for one night.” she said.

  I hung my head and the tears came again. “Smokey’s dead. My dad killed him. I found him after I got back from Memphis.”

  “I am so sorry honey I didn’t know. So did you confront your father?”

  “I kicked the shit out of him and my Uncle threw him out the door and told him not to ever come back. He, I guess, was after the guns and his tools. He didn’t get either one of them since I hid them after the first burglary attempt. I buried Smokey under his favorite tree so he could have shade in the summer and be able to watch the place year round.” I said.

  “Then stay with me tonight and you can go home tomorrow afternoon.” she said. I feel lonely tonight and I would love it if you would stay here with me.” She had a worried tone to her voice. I was wondering if Mr. Johnson was out of jail.

  “Okay I’ll stay. Have you been having visitors at night outside?” I asked trying not to bring up his name.