“I didn’t say I hated Jack. Love’s a choice and I’ve made that choice each day, regardless of how he acted. But.” He turned around and pointed a fork in my direction. “That doesn’t mean I have to love his behavior or the way he’s treated you and my grandsons. “
He was right. And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I agreed. The room seemed to drain of its tension as Chase made sucking noises on his fist. My mom handed him to me, and I sat on the couch to nurse him.
“Your waffle is ready,” my dad called as I finished nursing.
“Thanks, Dad, but I’m not that hungry.” The encounter with Jack had ruined what little appetite I had been able to keep in the past few weeks since he left.
“Baby, you need to eat. If not for you, for the little one you’re nursing.”
The gentle reminder from my mom forced me to nibble the corner of the golden waffle.
“I’ll ask one more question, and then we’ll put away the topic for the rest of the morning, okay?” My mom spoke as she wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
“Okay.”
“Has he said anything about the future? What he plans do to?”
“No, Mom, and believe me, I’d tell you if I had any clue.”
“All right, honey.” She patted my back and went around the counter to wipe Javan’s syrupy face.
“Who wants to go for a walk?” she called, and Javan almost fell out of his chair in his haste to get his shoes on.
As I watched him run to the door I thought, not for the first time, about how thankful I was that both he and Chase were so young. Their age protected them, to an extent, from the heartache of their father’s absence. Though I felt it acutely, I’d much rather it all fall upon my shoulders. I’d take it all if it meant they’d walk away from this with the sparkle in their eyes still intact. In fact, I was determined it would happen. A stirring in my heart resonated with the truth of my realization. Right now, I may not be accepted as a wife, but I had never stopped being a mom. And I wasn’t about to either. “Wait up, Javan! I’m coming too!”
Chapter Three
Another month and a half passed. The dawn of my birthday was crisp and clean with fall frost covering every surface outside of my window. The urge to stay in bed was overwhelming, and I almost fell back asleep before I heard a giggle from the baby monitor.
“Happy Birthday,” I whispered to myself as I stared at the ceiling. The cold floor numbed my feet as I padded to Chase’s room. The stink of a well-soiled diaper greeted me as I opened the door.
“Hi, baby. You couldn’t resist giving mommy a present could you?” I joked as I lifted him from his crib and placed him on the changing table. Once finished, I heard a thump on the wall that let me know Javan had also woken up.
“You can get up, buddy!” I called and was awarded with the thump of little feet hitting the ground and running.
Breakfast was simple and finished quickly. The TV was turned to PBS, and I sat Javan in front of it while I took the carrier to the bathroom so I could shower. I stayed too long in the warm water but decided I was entitled to it. After all, it was my birthday.
A few minutes later, a knock on the door interrupted my makeup routine. I dressed quickly. With Chase in my arms and a quick peek at Javan, gazing intently at Curious George, I went to the door.
“Surprise!”
Chase huffed as I jumped and gripped him tightly in shock before it was quickly replaced with joy.
“Samantha!” I cried and wrapped one arm around my wonderful friend, and then I proceeded to hug all eight of her children waiting on my doorstep.
“Come in! It’s freezing! Do you want some coffee?” I gave her a huge grin.
“Of course! We need coffee if we’re going to eat this!” With a flourish, one of her oldest daughters presented a nine by thirteen pan with a decorated cake.
“Oh, Emily! Did you do this by yourself?” I asked the blonde girl with bashful eyes.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“It’s beautiful! Thank you so much!” I hugged her again and led them all to the kitchen.
“Where’s Javan?” Michael asked.
“He’s watching Curious George.”
“Cool!” The little boy ran into the living room and slid on the carpet, only to stop inches from where Javan sat.
“Mike!” Javan called joyfully.
I smiled as I walked the rest of the way into the kitchen. Samantha was already helping herself to my cupboards and pulling down glasses and plates. I walked in and smiled as I leaned against the wall.
“Need any help?” I offered after a moment.
“Nope, it’s your birthday. It’s against the rules to work on such a special day! You.” She pointed to one of her little girls and smiled at her. “Take Mrs. Wains’ hand and have her sit in that chair over there. And you keep her there. Make sure you tell her about Sassy.” She winked at her little girl, and the beautiful pixy bobbed her head, bouncing her pigtails all over. With a tenacious grip, she took my hand and led me to the chair all the while chattering about Sassy’s kittens.
“Here you go!” A piece of chocolate cake was placed in front of me, and I inhaled deeply the rich scent of buttercream frosting and devil’s food bliss.
“Emily, if you ever open up a bakery, I will be your number one customer.” The words were spoken in reverence as I took a bite. Heavenly.
“I’m glad you like it, Mrs. Wains.” A blush covered her face at my compliment. Samantha beamed with pride at her oldest daughter.
“I don’t want to be the only one eating. Dig in guys!” I called as I raised my fork in the air. The children cheered as they began to hand out cake. As soon as Javan and Michael heard that cake was available, they ran into the kitchen. After a moment, I saw Samantha stand up.
“Okay, ready?” All of the forks were placed down, and her children stood up. Javan glanced around and followed suit.
“Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Mrs. Wains. Happy birthday to yoooooou!” The song was out of tune and sung at different tempos, but I found it as sweet as an angelic choir.
“Thank you.” I spoke with unshed tears brimming in my eyes. The reason for my tears was not for what others would have assumed. I cried because this was the best birthday I’d had in years. Because my husband wasn’t around.
After an hour or so of light conversation and continued stories about Sassy and her kittens, all told from different points of view, Samantha dismissed her children so that she could speak with me privately. With the children playing in the living room, she pulled me aside into the kitchen once again.
“Okay, I’m going to keep this short and sweet. It’s your birthday, and we’re not going to ruin it by speaking about unpleasant things. I just want to know what you have planned for the rest of the day.”
I was expecting her to ask about Jack. Perhaps to see if I had heard from him. Which, of course, I hadn’t, except for a mailed check every two weeks that was barely enough to cover the simplest groceries and a quarter tank of gas.
“Um, nothing, oh, except my parents are going to take me out to dinner tonight.”
“Okay, good! I just didn’t want you alone on your birthday, sweetie.” She wrapped me in a hug and then grasped my hands. “Heavenly Father, bless my friend today on her birthday. Give her heavenly presents that overwhelm her and open her eyes to see your love for her in the midst of her difficult circumstance. Amen.”
“Amen.” I whispered, thankful for someone to pray for something I had felt too selfish to pray for myself.
The kids and Samantha stayed till Javan’s afternoon nap, and I thanked them profusely for sharing my birthday with me. As I got ready to leave for the restaurant, I felt peace consume my heart. Tomorrow might be difficult, I knew it would be, but today I was okay. I’d dwell on that. One day at a time.
****
The morning light was streaming through my window as I rolled over in bed the next day. A smile lifted my lips as I remem
bered the day before and the blessings of family and friends.
“Dreaming of me?” Jack’s voice penetrated my revelry. I froze. Was I awake? A cold chill ran down my spine, and I turned over looking up in my husband’s face.
“Hi.” My mind spun with questions as I stared at his weary features. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. The hope that it was due to remorse over his actions was like adrenaline in my blood, and my heart pounded.
“You’re beautiful when you sleep.” My eyes widened at his words, and I wracked my brain for the last time he had called me beautiful. It had to have been more than two years.
“Thank you.” My voice was husky from sleep, and I watched his eyes darken. He moved slowly and covered my lips with own in an immediately demanding kiss. I didn’t move. Half of me wanted to kiss him back and show him exactly how much I missed him; the other half wondered if that was wise since I hadn’t heard from him in more than a month. What should I do? He pushed me aside and crawled in bed with me, demanding more than a kiss and, against my better judgment I allowed whatever he wanted to take. After all, he was my husband, but a small voice in the back of my heart whispered that I was being fooled, again.
The day passed with dreamlike quality as Jack stayed for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He even tucked in the kids at bedtime, and I felt my eyes tear up as I watched Javan hug his daddy’s neck with all the strength of his two-year-old arms.
Jack walked into the kitchen and grabbed his coat. My heart clenched. Was he leaving? Already?
“Abby? I’m going to go. Thanks for today, for everything.” His eyes traveled up my body and met my eyes before he nodded and walked to the door. “Oh, and happy birthday.”
The door closing shook me from my stupor of disbelief. All at once I felt dirty, used, and cheap. How could I? How could he? I stumbled to the chair and sat down, blind to anything but the mental pictures parading through my mind of the past day. Did I do something wrong? I hated that it was one of my first thoughts! No. I wanted to shake myself. It wasn’t me, I didn’t do anything. I’m not the one who ran away, who came home for a day to play house and then leave without as much as an “I love you,” or “I miss you”, even a “Thanks for the great dinner, honey!” The chair had numbed my bum before I decided to get up and get ready for bed. As I went into the bedroom, I glared at the bed and through furious tears took the sheets off and threw them in the washer. I grabbed my pillow and went into the living room to sleep. The last thought I had was that he had said happy birthday, a day late.
Chapter Four
A few weeks later I was on my way to Samantha’s house. Something had to give. I felt as though my own prayers were bouncing off the celling and thumping me on the head. Though I knew it wasn’t true. My emotions seemed to block out my knowledge of truth.
The drive was quiet, as Javan had retreated into a shell after Jack had disappeared a few weeks ago. When I arrived, Samantha was waiting for me. After a quick hug, she sent Javan up to play with Michael. Emily came into the room with a wide smile and reached for Chase. As Emily disappeared, Samantha pulled me into the kitchen and pointed to a barstool.
“Sit.”
I obeyed.
“Okay, missy, I’ve got something to say to you. So you just sit there and listen.”
I nodded dumbly and rubbed my fingers over her countertop.
“What happened, Abby? What happened to your light? To your sparkle for life? Don’t answer!” She pointed to me as I opened my mouth. “Just listen.” I nodded, and she eyed me before continuing. “Jack has done a number on you, it’s true, but here’s the truth of it, honey. He can’t do anything to you without your permission.”
The confusion her words caused must have reflected on my face.
“I’ll repeat that. He, cannot, I repeat, can not do anything to you without your permission, including…” She raised a finger and held me in a solid gaze. “…steal your joy, your reason for living, or your faith. Only you have the power to give them up. Now.” She began to pace around the kitchen. “He can tempt you into thinking that he has power, but he doesn’t. Unless you give his words and actions power, they are the empty opinions of a lost man. You, love, have given him the power of God in your life. You have let him control your thoughts, your opinions, and the way your perceive life in general. Now.” She pointed her finger again at me.” Do not misunderstand me. He is still your husband. You are to honor and respect him, regardless of if he deserves it or not. But you are not to adhere to his beliefs when they directly contrast to the Word of God. And to God, to God, dear one…” She came around and placed her hand under my chin and lifted it so I’d look her in the eyes.
“To God you are priceless, worthy of love and beautiful. He loves you, created you, and is not pleased with your husband’s sin. You are not responsible for Jack’s actions, but sure as springtime, you are responsible for yours. And He will, is, and already has given you the strength you need to get through this, one way or another. You will get through this, but how is up to you. Are you going to do this with His help? Or are you going to drift through it, loosing yourself in your grief, and emotionally abandoning your children in the process?”
“Emotionally abandoning my children! Do you have any idea what this is like? How I have been there for them? I’m all they have right now, and I’m not enough! I’m not enough for them, and I can’t do anything about it! I fail each day, and I’m supposed to just pick myself up, march on, and forget about all the pain and hurt and memories I have and, what?” I shouted through my angry tears. How dare she!
“Oh honey, you’re right. But you’re also wrong.”
“What?” I asked, confused once again.
“Yes, you’re right. You are not enough. Children need two parents, but the fact is that, right now, your children don’t have both. That’s not your fault. It’s not something you can control.”
I know, but—“
“But God is. He is enough, and doesn’t He promise to be ‘a father to the fatherless?’”
“Yes.”
“Is it impossible for God to ever prove false or to lie?”
“Yes.” I spoke softly.
“Then you have everything you need. You do your best, and God will make up the rest. He didn’t say you had to do it alone, love, and you are. You’re trying, and yes, you’re failing because it’s not possible. But with God… with God all things are possible.”
She hugged me and began to pray over me, for my strength to not fail and for my children to, at a young age, learn to depend on God. By the time our visit was done, I knew I had turned a corner. Oh, I still felt the oppression of fear surrounding me, but it didn’t seep into my heart. The truth that I had not been able to believe now saturated my heart, and peace overwhelmed me. How I would need that peace over the next few days.
Chapter Five
The lunch dishes were just being cleared and put into the dishwasher when I heard a pickup pull into the driveway. My knuckles were white as I gripped the towel. Anger flushed my face. Jack, with a brand new pickup. When he had visited just after my birthday, I hadn’t looked outside, but he must have had it then as well. What happened to his plan of turning in the SUV for a lesser payment? The truck outside would be far more expensive. He jumped out and walked to the door, pulling out his keys and opening it up without as much as a knock.
“Oh, hi, Abby. I um, I need to speak with you.”
I watched him with a cautious eye as I placed the towel down and walked over to the table, careful to place it between us. He shifted his weight on his feet and glanced up at me with a sheepish look. The baby monitor was quiet, and I was thankful that both Javan and Chase were down for a nap.
“Yes? What did you need?” I refused to sit even when he did and motioned for me to do the same.
“Fine, have it your way. I need to tell you something, and I, well, I wanted you to hear it from me first. “
My heart began to beat wildly. Whatever he was going to say, I wa
sn’t going to like it, that much was certain.
“I met someone.”
“What?” I asked, sure I had heard him wrong.
“I met someone, and well, I just wanted you to know, that, well, you could do the same, if you wanted.”
I stared at him, unable to process everything I was hearing. He had met someone? Another woman? The world began to spin, and I felt myself drop into the chair which was, thankfully, behind me.
“How could you?” I spoke with an accusing whisper.
“Well, we met at work and, you um, you know her. One thing led to another, and I think it’s for the best.”
“Wait, what do you mean one thing led to another? You’re just dating, right?” As if that made it better, and why had I even asked the question? I didn’t want to know the answer. I didn’t want to know any of this. The urge to run away with my hands over my ears and lock myself in my room nearly overcame my strength to see this through. My heart was breaking, but at the same time, I felt a peace that shouldn’t be there but was filling my heart. The sense of peace caused me to close my eyes as he answered the dreadful question.
“Well, not just dating, exactly. I’m living with her right now.”
“So you’re sleeping with her.” My voice was expressionless as I kept my eyes closed, focusing on my breathing. In, out. In, out.
“Well, I didn’t want to go into that kinda detail with you, but, yes. Of course I am. I’m living there, aren’t I?” He rolled his eyed at me as I had just barely opened mine.
“Wow.” I whispered, disbelieving. How could someone take their vows so lightly? We were still married, neither of us had made a move towards divorce, and he saw nothing wrong with infidelity. My lips asked another question before I could think to stop it; I didn’t want to know the answer.
“How long?”
His eyes widened at my bold question, and he looked away before answering. “Well, it’s hard to say—“
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