“How long?” I yelled, angry and frustrated at his inability to answer. If I could be brave enough, or crazy enough, to ask the question, the least he could do was answer it.
“About six months.”
Quickly my head did the calculations. Before my birthday, before he even left. It was just before Chase was…
“You were sleeping with her before I even had Chase.” My voice was weak with shock. I knew things weren’t good, but I had no idea.
“Well…”
“No, I don’t want to hear any more. Leave, now.” I closed my eyes and laid my head in my hands as I heard his chair scuff the floor as he stood. “Wait.” I held up my hand. “Are you sorry, at all?” My gaze bore deep into his, willing him to feel any remorse.
“I’m sorry…” He shook his head.
“You are?” My heart clenched for a moment.
“No, I’m sorry because I’m not.” He shook his head and left.
****
Betrayal stung hard and deep. Each time I would think of it my heart would seize in my chest, and I’d feel like I’d been sucker punched. I had waited to tell my parents, wanting time to make up my own mind as to what I would do next. As I walked over to Chase’s crib, I saw him look up at me and smile a wide toothless grin.
“I’m here, sweetheart.” I crooned as I picked him up and patted his back. Love for my baby surged through me. Both Chase and Javan were helpless in this, but so help me I was going to give them any protection I could. Resolutely, I took Chase down the hall with Javan following close behind. A moment later, I picked up the phone.
“Mom?” I closed my eyes, offering up another prayer to add to the millions prayed over the past twelve hours. Peace covered my heart.
“Hi, baby! How are you?”
“Mom, I need a lawyer.”
“Oh. Okay, what happened sweetheart?” Her voice was strained as she undoubtedly speculated on my sudden desire to hire a lawyer after holding fast to the hope that I wouldn’t need one.
“Jack came over and enlightened me on a few things…” My voice trailed off. I didn’t want to deliver such information over the phone. “We’ll come over shortly, is that okay?” I asked, trying to divert her attention.
“Okay, but just tell me this. Are we talking divorce or separation, honey?”
I took a deep breath and paused, checking my heart once more before I answered.
“Divorce.”
Chapter Six
The divorce papers sat on my bed, awaiting my signature. As I re-read them, I offered up a prayer that Jack wouldn’t contest anything. A twinkling caught my attention, and I glanced over to my hand and saw my wedding ring. I hadn’t had the heart to take it off, regardless of the divorce process I had begun. With a sad sigh, I lifted the pen and signed my name, sending up a prayer that the process would be quick. With the papers folded and placed into the envelope, I glanced at my left hand once again. With a heavy heart, I twisted the ring circling my fourth finger. After a moment the ring slid off my finger. As I held it, the engagement portion with the circular diamond separated from the wedding band. This is it. The rings clinked together as I set them on the bed. What did I do with the set now? I didn’t want to save them, but to sell them? Goodness knows I’d soon need the money. A moment later I picked up the pieces and placed them in my jewelry box and closed the lid, the sound a muted thud.
My finger felt naked without my ring. When I went grocery shopping that afternoon, its absence seemed like a blinking sign that said ‘divorced’. The very idea made my skin crawl. Though I hadn’t any other choice, I still felt guilty. The constant wonder of if I did anything and everything to save my marriage hounded me.
Samantha had given me a wonderful book, which I promised myself I’d open as soon as I got home. I needed some hope in the midst of all the confusion. I needed something, I just didn’t know what. And I hated waiting; yet waiting was all that was left for me to do.
****
Jack had accepted my terms, thankful to be free of the marriage, and had only changed one part. And of course, it had to do with money. Rather than the two years of spousal maintenance I asked for, he wanted me to only have one year. The worry that he’d challenge my custody of the children, not because he wanted them but because I had dared defy him, made me sign quickly. Anything to protect them from the neglect and verbal abuse that had increased in its intensity in the few months before he finally had left. He still hadn’t seen them or contacted me except through my attorney. The betrayal had stung, and at first, I’d wake up crying in my sleep. Yet as time passed, the days became easier, and I began to rediscover something important, myself.
Each day I began with a determined hope that came from a gut-wrenching prayer session moments before getting out of bed. The day would pass with me singing praises and choosing to be joyful rather than wonder ‘what if.’ Slowly, I found pieces of myself that were lost in the constant turmoil and attempt at attaining the unattainable. The sense of humor and wit I had lost came back, and I regained my smile. Through it, I not only forgave myself, but I came to forgive Jack. It was a daily struggle, and often I’d find myself on my knees again fighting to hold onto my bitterness over his intentional hurt to the kids and I. But each time God’s peace would fill me, reminding me to whom I belonged. Though I struggled, I released him and began to pray for him. Somehow, this was what gave me the greatest healing.
Friends would call trying to set me up on blind dates, but I refused. Not only was I not ready, but I had come to a decision in that area of my life as well. Clearly, I was not the best judge of men. The thought brought a wry grin to my face. And while driving one day, I heard a woman speaking on the radio, telling her love story. It was remarkable because it went against everything I had been taught. She didn’t search for a man, she didn’t even date, rather she waited for God to pick out the man for her. Immediately, I wondered how that happened. I mean, did she stay home all day and then a repairman came to her doorstep and they fell in love? What did that look like? But as I listened, I discovered that she lived her life, went out with friends, was involved in her community, church, and traveled. She met her husband on the mission field in Africa, and two weeks later they married. She was cautious to explain that it was only her story and that God writes different love stories for each person, but the thought stuck with me. I wanted that. I didn’t trust my judgment. I wanted God to pick the man for me, for my children. Because it wasn’t just about me anymore, it was about them. They needed a father, and who better to choose that man than their Heavenly Father?
I shared my revelation with Samantha, who readily agreed. Which is why her next question shocked my socks off.
“So, not that I’m wanting to be nosey or anything…”
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Sure, Samantha…
“But, if or when you’re able to look to the future and see a man there… when do you think you’ll be ready?”
The question was one I had asked myself. I just didn’t know. It was soon enough after my divorce that I worried about what people would think. Wasn’t I supposed to be the grieving wife? Betrayed? Scorned? If I dated right away, people would think one of two things. Either I was on the rebound and desperate, or that I was neither hurt nor betrayed and drove my husband to his extremes because I was a floozy. Neither option sat well with me, so I had resolved to lay low. But to be honest with myself, I was ready. God and I had talked about it, hashed it out, and I was healed over from Jack’ betrayal, which I could take no credit for, only offer gratitude. But what stopped me was not God, but the weight I gave to others’ opinions.
“Um, well… honestly, Samantha, I’m afraid of what people will think or say. I think I’m ready, but only if God were to give me that one person. It would be on his timetable, so I’d know it was all right, no matter when it happened.”
“Uh-huh.” She nodded and appeared to be deep in thought. “What if…” She paused, and my curiosity peaked.
�
�Oh, no, Samantha, what are you thinking?”
“Well, I’ve been praying about this for months now, mind you. It’s not just some hair-brained scheme I’ve come up with on the fly.” She shook her finger at me.
“Okay…” I drew out the word and gave her a dubious expression.
“But, well. There’s this man who works for us. You’ve probably never seen him though. He works long hours, but even when he has a day off, he comes by the house just to play with the kids. He loves them, and they adore him as well.”
“Okay…” I thought I knew where she was headed, but I waited.
“And, he’s a Godly man. His father’s a pastor, and he has never been married.”
“And why in creation would you think he’d be interested in me?” I said.
“Because he’s been on my heart each time I pray for you. I could be wrong. You might just need to be friends or something, but I wanted to at least talk with you about it before I ask my husband his opinion.”
“And your husband will give you a little squeeze and tell you to go on your merry way and leave your friend’s love life, or lack thereof, alone.” I gave her a saucy grin and raised my eyebrows. Frank was Samantha’s husband and loved his wife to distraction, but he was a very private man and was convinced others were as well. Samantha had enjoyed matchmaking over the years and, to Frank’s dismay, she was wildly successful. But I was sure Frank would be on my side in this one, so I wasn’t too concerned about her speaking with him.
“He might. He’s sure done it before, but I have one more question.”
“Yes?”
“If he gives me the green light, can I talk with Levi? Put a bug in his ear about you?”
“Levi?”
“Yeah, the man I’ve been chattering about. That’s his name. What do you think?”
My lips twisted in thought as I evaluated my friend as she radiated hope from across the kitchen. God, what do you want? I offered up a silent prayer. “If Frank gives you the okay, you may speak with Levi, but!” I held up my hand and gave Samantha my sternest ‘mom’ glare. “You are to tell him that you’re not talking about a little virgin sweetheart, but a divorced single mom. Got it?” If that didn’t scare him away, then nothing would, and I’d know for sure God’s hand was involved. A moment later, I crossed my arms and leaned back into the chair, carefully watching Samantha’s expression.
“Of course, but you’re deaf, blind, and dumb if you think he’s not going to fall in love with you on sight. I know that ex-husband didn’t do you any favors, but at least you’re humble when you have no right to be. Though I never would have approved of his methods.” She sniffed indignantly.
My look was one of annoyed disbelief, and I stood to call for Javan. Chase crawled in under the watchful eye of Emily, and I picked him up and grabbed Javan’s hand before kissing Samantha on the cheek.
“Thanks for the coffee.”
“Anytime love.”
I left with a smile. Though I was sure nothing would come of her speaking with Frank, let alone Levi, it was still amusing to think about.
Chapter Seven
Bible study was packed. I tried to balance my coffee and diaper bag without plowing a little old lady into the refreshment table. That would be stellar. I sipped my mocha with aggressive need, as I slept little last night. Chase was getting another tooth and was not willing to sleep through the pain. With a quick kiss on his head, I sat down and handed him to my mom, who was sitting beside me. Halfway through the speaker, I noticed Samantha come in late. Emily was standing beside her, and I carefully motioned for her to sit next to me. Thankfully we were in the back and had empty seats.
When the final prayer was offered, Samantha gripped my shoulder and spun me around to face her.
“Yes?” I asked, bewildered at her overly enthusiastic expression.
“So…”She began, but paused, looking around at all the women standing in close proximity to us.
“I’ve gotta use the restroom.”
“Okay…” I raised my eyebrows, clearly questioning her sanity.
“So do you.”
“I do?”
“Oh, yes, you do.” Her eyes conveyed a silent message of, Come with me, NOW!
“Oh, yes, I do.” I nodded with her as she encouraged me.
“Mom, I’ll be right back.”
“Okay, honey, take your time. I’m going to take sweet Chase over to get a snack.” She barely offered me a backwards glance as she moved over to show off her grandbaby. My face split into a grin as I watched her sashay over to the other grandmas and show off her prize. I was pulled by Samantha’s impatient tug toward the door and almost lost my balance.
“Hey!” I called, righting myself.
“You are so slow! My word, girlie, keep up, would you?”
“I’m coming! What did you drink? A whole gallon of water before you came to church?” I called, earning me a dark glare.
Samantha didn’t take me to the ladies’ room in front of the church but pulled me again, this time by the scarf, in another direction. I pulled on it trying to loosen the material so I could properly breathe and followed her lead. We went to the back of the church and into the rarely used handicap restroom. She opened the door and motioned for me to enter. I cast her a dubious glance before walking in and turning on the light.
“Ahhgggggg!” I screamed as I noticed a large hairy spider resting in the sink.
“What the...Ahhhhgg!” Samantha screamed with me. We scrambled out of the bathroom and landed in a heap on the floor. Shivers overtook my body as I thought about the evil creature in the sink, not more than three feet away.
“Get off of me!” Samantha shouted, and I stumbled off of her legs and helped her up. She dusted herself off and then shivered in disgust.
“You kill it.” I demanded. I did not kill spiders. I soaked them in spray and then vacuumed them up.
“No.”
“What if some handicapped kid comes into the bathroom—“
“Fine, but if it kills me, I’ll take my news to the grave with me.”
“Okay by me!” I teased, pointing to the doorway.
With a straightening of her spine, she marched in like she was heading to a firing squad and paused, taking off her shoe. I turned away, unable to watch.
Thump, thump, scream, thump, thump, thump. “Ah ha! Done! I dispatched the wretched creature to Lucifer himself.”
“Thank you.” She bowed a few times, causing me to laugh.
“Okay, now, we have something we need to discuss.”
“In there?” I nodded my head towards the bathroom.
“Oh, no. I doubt I’ll ever go in there again. Let’s walk out around the back.”
I agreed and dutifully followed her out the doors and around to the back of the church.
“So, I thought you had to use the bathroom?” I teased.
“Whatever, now.” Her eyes were vibrant as she glanced at me, halting her steps and grabbing my hands. “I spoke with Frank.”
Oh, no.
“And he said the strangest thing.”
“He did?”
“Oh yes…”
“Are you going to tell me, or do I have to try and read your mind, Samantha?” I gave her a wry grin.
“Oh, I’m just having a little fun. I’ve been waiting all day to do this.”
“It’s noon.”
“Half of a day, you understand.”
“Soooo…”
“Soooooo, Frank said that he had been thinking the very… same… thing.”
“About…”Oh, I knew where she was going, but I wanted to bug her a bit. It worked.
“You are exasperating! About Levi, who else? Frank wanted me to talk with you about Levi but didn’t know if you were ready.”
This was certainly a different turn of events than I had anticipated.
“Okay, so…?” I questioned.
“So well, aren’t you wondering why I was late to Bible study? I mean, I have eight children a
nd have I ever been late?”
As I thought about it, I realized that no, she hadn’t ever been late.
“Now that you mention it, why were you late?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?"
“Um, yes, I think.” I offered hesitantly.
“I happened to catch Levi as he was coming out from the hospital—“
“He’s injured?”
“Oh, heavens no. The hospital for the cows. He was in the maternity ward. Checking on the mom cows and their babies. You’ve been around me long enough to know the dairy lingo haven’t you?” She rolled her eyes and continued.
“Well, I just subtly mentioned you and asked if he would perhaps—“
“Nothing about you is subtle. Samantha, what exactly did you say?” I asked, concerned.
“Well, I did exactly what you asked and told him that I had a beautiful, godly, Christian woman friend who I wanted him to meet—“
“That’s sweet, Samantha, but a lie. Honestly! The poor guy! He needs to be told the truth—“
“Honey, I was getting to that part. Patience. Anyway.” She waved her hand. “I told him that you were on the unfortunate end of a divorce and were blessed with two adorable little boys. I asked him if he would be interested in meetin’ you.”
“Okay, how did you do that? You somehow sugarcoated everything I said and made it sound much better. Isn’t that somehow misleading?”
“Honey, I didn’t do anything of the sort. I just see things a little clearer than you.”
I huffed and rolled my eyes.
“Well aren’t you interested in what he said?”
“Should I be?” I offered, popping my hip out, expecting a polite decline with a little compliment to soften the blow.
“He said he’d pray about it.”
“Oh, all right. So instead of turning you down quickly, he’s going to be slow about it…” I teased her, not at all concerned or offended.
“Oh, honey, if God’s plans and mine are the same, he won’t be turning you down.”
Pursued Page 3
