The Bucket List to Mend a Broken Heart

by Anna Bell

  Then there’s the more important fact that he’s not Joseph. Seeing Joseph on Thursday night at the supermarket seemed to cement in my mind why I was doing this crazy list.

  And anyway, Sian’s wrong about Ben having any feelings for me. He knows that I’m trying to win back the love of my life. If there was even so much as the remotest hint that he fancied me then why would he be helping me to do it? And, even if he did like me and I liked him, he’s hardly boyfriend material – he’s banged on enough about how doomed love is. He’s even more pessimistic than Sian.

  ‘I’m just saying, think about it,’ she says, walking a little quicker so we can catch up with Ben who’s now walking with Pete.

  Ben turns to me and smiles and I can’t help smiling back, but it’s only because he’s got one of those magnetic smiles – nothing else.

  ‘So, Pete, what games are we going to play tonight then?’ asks Sian as she weaves her way between him and Ben.

  I inwardly groan. It seems the closer we get to the bunkhouse, the more Sian’s libido wakes up.

  ‘I’m not sure. My mind’s just on getting showered and changed into dry clothes at the moment.’

  ‘In the nice lukewarm showers,’ says Sian, turning towards Ben. ‘As I’ve been reminded.’

  He looks at me, smiling.

  ‘I was only saying. It’s not my fault there’s no water pressure or hot water.’

  ‘Are you sure it wasn’t because you were having a long shower this morning primping and preening all your curls?’ I say, giggling.

  ‘Well, they do get dehydrated otherwise,’ says Ben, laughing.

  I don’t care about the dribbly shower, I’d settle for towelling myself down and getting out of these damp clothes and into my trackie bottoms and hoodie. I can picture myself being curled up by the fire (on a duvet on the floor) with a cuppa.

  ‘I thought she was more outdoorsy than you,’ says Ben.

  ‘I thought so too. She’s always trying to get me to go camping.’

  ‘You know you’re only one step away from camping in that bunkhouse.’

  ‘Probably, but it’s the thought of not having a toilet, and being able to hear everything outside that gets me. The lumps that you feel through the floor, and the fact that you always get mud inside the tent, no matter how hard you try. And it always gets so messy as there’s never enough room to put everything.’ I shudder at the thought of camping holidays when I was little.

  ‘So, you have camped before?’

  ‘Not by choice, only when I was too young to refuse.’

  ‘Camping’s changed a lot since we were kids.’

  ‘Are there now tents with flushing toilets?’

  ‘Well, no.’

  ‘Do you still have to put the tents up yourself and wrestle to get them down again?’

  ‘There are the little pop-up tents that you can throw up.’

  ‘But aren’t they super small? And I take it you can’t also throw them to put them away again.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I rest my case. No camping for me.’

  ‘I still think you’re missing out. Some of the best memories I have are from camping.’

  ‘Seems like some of your best memories are from anything that doesn’t involve creature comforts.’

  Ben thinks for a moment, before nodding. ‘You know that’s pretty true. I’m at my happiest when I’m outdoors doing stuff like this. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to live in a hut in the woods, and I love my TV as much as the next guy, but sometimes the most fun things are the most simple and basic.

  ‘I’ve done the whole staying in five-star hotels thing. When I went backpacking round South East Asia I used to treat myself every so often and stay somewhere super-swanky. I’m not saying it wasn’t nice. Hot baths. Beds that had comfortable duvets and you knew wouldn’t have lice. But, once I was clean and lying in bed, all I did was watch telly. Something I could have done at home. Whereas in the flea-ridden backpackers’ bungalow on the beach your tiny wooden hut wasn’t conducive for chilling out, so you’d always hang out in the communal areas on the triangular floor cushions, drinking cold beers and chewing the fat with other travellers.’

  The laid-back traveller retreats that Ben’s talking about sound pretty alluring. I’m not going to ask him about the toilet situation, though. I don’t want to ruin my romantic impression of his hippy hang-outs.

  ‘I have to admit, I’d settle for a five-star hotel now, though. Wouldn’t you? Just imagine how nice it would be to slip out of these wet clothes, and into a lavender-infused bubble bath,’ I say.

  I tried with his roughing-it vision, I really did. But a bath, fluffy robe and free flip-flop slippers are exactly what I fancy. I bet Joseph would be climbing into one right now if he’d done this challenge. In fact, I bet he would have caught the train back down the mountain and been all clean, tucking into a pint in one of the many village pubs by now.

  I look at the bunkhouse that’s coming into view and try not to feel bitter that it’s my home for the night. Honestly.

  ‘So, are you pleased that you’re rapidly ticking off the things on your list? I mean, you’re well and truly over halfway through now.’

  ‘I know,’ I say.

  ‘You don’t sound particularly pleased about it.’

  ‘It’s just that I’m over halfway through now, and I still worry that it might be all be for nothing. What if I don’t get Joseph back?’

  ‘If Joseph isn’t impressed with what you’ve been up to then he’s not worthy of you. Besides, you know I don’t believe in happy endings.’

  I’m about to reply when he gives a low whistle.

  ‘Blimey, what’s she doing here?’ he says, the confusion evident in his voice.

  I look closer at the bunkhouse and I can see the tiny figure of a woman sitting on the doorstep playing with a phone.

  There’s no mistaking that it’s Tammy.

  Our last one hundred metres are spent in silence as Ben stares at his girlfriend in disbelief.

  I can’t help but feel disappointed that she’s here. I know she’s his girlfriend and she has every right to be here, but I’ve enjoyed having Ben almost to myself this weekend – all banter and easy conversation. She made it perfectly clear that I wasn’t to continue my friendship with Ben after this list is complete, and I wanted to make the most of our time together while I could. It’s only going to feel awkward with her here.

  I deliberately distance myself from Ben as we approach, wary about her warning, and I watch as he goes over to her. Sian was well and truly barking up the wrong tree – he couldn’t seem to get to her quickly enough.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ he says, his hands resting on his hips.

  ‘There was some problem with my race entry,’ she says, holding her hands out for him to pull her up. ‘Aren’t you pleased to see me?’

  He looks around at the rest of us, who have come up behind him, and seems a little self-conscious. ‘Just surprised.’

  She leans over and kisses him on the lips before turning to the rest of us.

  ‘Laura,’ she says, going over and giving her a hug. ‘Giles, Pete, Doug.’

  She does a roll call and smiles at each of the boys. I don’t know if I’m imagining it but they don’t seem that thrilled to see her either.

  ‘Hello,’ she says, turning to me and Sian. ‘Nice to see you two again.’

  I see Sian’s nostrils flare, the tension from their first meeting still there.

  ‘So, you all look like you need to get warm, and I’m dying for a drink,’ she says going over to retrieve her backpack.

  Laura hurries forward and opens the front door.

  We all pull our waterproofs and boots off and make our way to the drying room to hang them up. I’m desperately trying not to step in any of the damp patches that we’ve made all over the floor as, miraculously, my super-comfy thick hiking socks are the only things that remained dry.

  ‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ calls L
aura as she hands her wet gear to Giles.

  ‘That sounds like heaven,’ I say. I could think of nothing better right now than a nice cup of tea.

  ‘Dibs I get first shower,’ says Sian. ‘Is that OK?’

  ‘Fine with me,’ I say. ‘I’m just going to get changed and towel dry my hair.’

  I’m sure that piddly shower will only make me colder.

  ‘Now, get your bits together,’ Tammy says to Ben. ‘I’ve booked us into a B&B in town so we can have some proper time alone.’

  It suddenly feels a bit crowded in the drying room.

  ‘Um, really?’ says Ben. ‘But we’re all here together. We’ve got some wine, and we were going to have dinner.’

  ‘But you’ve done your walk. Wasn’t that the important thing? You said you had to do that, but you didn’t say anything about the socialising afterwards.’

  Tammy’s voice seems to be echoing around the walls, and if she hadn’t been blocking the door I’d be legging it out of there. It’s the most uncomfortable I’ve been all day, which is saying something as my knickers have been damp from the rain for the last hour.

  ‘Can we talk about this somewhere else?’ says Ben, trying to push Tammy out into the corridor.

  ‘Fine, but we’re going to the B&B. I’ve already got my stuff there.’

  Ben looks round at us, and we all look away, embarrassed at the scene playing out.

  ‘But these are my friends.’

  ‘And what am I supposed to be? Now come on, let’s get your stuff.’ She turns on her heel and walks towards the bedrooms.

  For a minute Ben stands there motionless and none of the rest of us leave either. It seems there is safety in numbers as Tammy is pretty scary in her current mood.

  ‘Ben!’ she shrieks from down the corridor.

  He turns to us once more.

  ‘I’m really sorry, guys. I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t expecting her. I wasn’t expecting this.’

  He’s so apologetic, I feel ridiculously sorry for him. He seems genuinely torn between his friends and his girlfriend, but I know who he’s going to choose. He has to, after all. She’s his girlfriend.

  ‘Don’t worry, mate,’ says Giles, slapping him on the back. ‘Go enjoy your comfy bed and your bubble bath.’

  For a moment I’m lost in the thought of luxury and want to suggest that I take Ben’s place. But then Tammy shrieks again, and there’s no bubble bath in the world that would be good enough to want to spend any more time near her in that mood.

  ‘Well done, Abi. I’m proud of you for conquering your first mountain. We’ll toast to it in Paris,’ says Ben, deliberately lowering his voice.

  I smile. ‘You bet.’

  At least we’ll always have Paris. Our last hurrah as friends. After seeing Tammy in action today she’s shown that she’s not a woman to be crossed.

  ‘So, that’s interesting,’ says Sian, as I walk into our room.

  ‘Wasn’t it?’ I say, my voice sounding a little deflated.

  ‘I thought it was just me that brought out the worst in her, but she was spitting venom at everyone. It’s a shame Ben’s going. You can’t tell me that you’re not a little gutted,’ says Sian.

  I look up but am too slow to correct her.

  ‘I knew it. You can deny it all you want, but there’s something between you and Ben.’

  I start to pull off my soggy clothes. ‘It’s not that,’ I say, sighing. ‘It’s more that I’ve enjoyed having him to myself. Does that sound nuts?’

  ‘Not really.’

  She’s gathering up her shower stuff to go and brave the lukewarm drizzle.

  ‘I mean, we’ve had such a lovely few weeks of doing my challenges, and then this weekend it’s been so fun, but as soon as he saw her he changed.’

  ‘Maybe it was just shock. He did seem caught off guard that she was here.’

  ‘Maybe,’ I say, putting on my clean, dry clothes. Pulling my old comfy hoodie over my head feels as if someone’s giving me a really nice hug.

  ‘But, honestly, I thought he was into you.’

  ‘Told you you were wrong,’ I say, sliding my feet into my slippers and following Sian as she walks out of the bedroom.

  We walk into the corridor and bump straight into Tammy and Ben. She’s got her arms wrapped around his neck, stroking the nape of his neck. She’s giving him a look that’s so seductive that I don’t think even Sian the man-eater could pull it off.

  Ben looks up and takes a step back from her and she turns and gives me a sly look. It’s a territory thing and whatever Sian and I might have thought, Ben is Tammy’s property. She made her feelings more than clear on Thursday, and it’s as if she’s shown up today to flex her muscles and show me how serious she was.

  It dawns on me that I’ve been using Ben as my surrogate boyfriend, but he was never mine to use.

  I try and focus my mind on this weekend’s objective. It wasn’t to spend time with Ben – it was to climb Snowdon and I’ve done that. I’ve ticked another item off my list and that will hopefully lead me one step closer to Joseph. Although, right now, not even the thought of us reuniting is cheering me up.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Two weeks, four days left, and I’m trying to come up with an excuse to get out of this abseil, but my mind is blank. Maybe Fran was onto something with the baby bump after all . . .

  ‘It was a shame that Ben bailed on Sunday night. Wasn’t the same after he left,’ says Giles as he puts a capsule into the Nespresso machine.

  ‘It certainly wasn’t.’

  With Ben out of the way, there was an even number of men to women and it made the rest of the weekend feel a bit couply. Obviously Giles and Laura were their adorable selves – the more wine they drank the more canoodling they did – and Sian did her best impression of a bitch on heat in her unsuccessful pursuit of Pete. But poor old Doug and I were left giving each other looks of sympathy, like a mismatched couple at a dinner party.

  ‘I mean, it just changed the dynamics. And what with Sian throwing herself at Pete.’

  ‘Hmmm,’ says Giles, raising his eyebrows.

  Sian had really ramped it up a gear on Sunday night. She had kept Pete’s wine glass permanently topped up and worn a spaghetti-strapped vest top that didn’t leave much to the imagination, and at one point she was practically sitting on Pete’s lap. But all to no avail.

  Pete did seem into her, but whereas she was all about the night, he seemed to be in no rush to get it on. As a consequence, Sian’s been hounding me about him ever since.

  ‘She was certainly forward,’ says Giles, grinning.

  ‘She was so forward she was practically in fifth gear driving down a motorway.’

  Giles lets out a little laugh and stirs his coffee. ‘It was a shame Ben missed it all.’

  ‘Oh, well,’ I say shrugging. ‘I’m sure he had a nice time in his luxury B&B.’

  ‘I spoke to him last night and he was gutted to have left the bunkhouse.’

  ‘Really? Didn’t he want to spend time with Tammy?’

  ‘I think he needed to spend time with her, but I think he felt like she’d railroaded his weekend. He’d planned to spend it with us and all of a sudden she was there.’

  ‘I guess it was a bit Fatal Attraction.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s a good job Ben doesn’t have any pets as she is definitely leaning towards the bunny boiler.’

  A laugh escapes my lips, and I catch Linz’s eye across the office. I cough as I try to get my giggles under control. I have to remind myself that I’m at work.

  I quickly busy myself making a cup of coffee to legitimise my water-cooler chat.

  ‘I always got the impression that she was supposed to be this laid-back type of woman, but she was something quite different on Sunday,’ I say, dipping my toe into the water. I’ve been dying to ask Giles about their relationship but never dared in case it’s breaking some unspoken bro code.

  ‘Yeah, Tammy is . . .’ Giles pauses as if
he’s trying to find the right word. ‘Well, to be honest, she’s perplexing. I’ve known her since she and Ben first got together about three years ago and I still don’t feel like I know her. One minute she’s so laid-back she’s horizontal and the next she’s like she was on Sunday.’

  ‘They’ve been together three years?’ I don’t know why but I assumed that they hadn’t been together for very long. Three years doesn’t scream casual.

  ‘Yeah, but it’s always on and off with those two, one month they’re together, the next they’re on a break. It’s not like a normal relationship.’

  I pretend that I’m concentrating on stirring my coffee instead of hanging off Giles’s every word.

  ‘I couldn’t do that,’ I say, honestly. ‘I’m one of those people that when I’m in a relationship then I’m really in one. Perhaps that’s where I went wrong with Joseph – maybe I was too into it. Scared him off.’

  ‘I doubt it, Abs. As a happily married man, believe me, if the right woman is into you, you can’t get enough of them. It’s only the crazy ones that can scare you off.’ Giles’s mouth drops open for a second. ‘I don’t mean that you were crazy in your relationship with Joseph. I just mean that if he was the one, he wouldn’t care that you were too into him. In fact, he would have loved it.’

  I think for a moment about whether that’s true. I hope it isn’t or else I’m well and truly wasting my time with this list and trying to get him back.

  ‘But you’re right, I couldn’t do it either,’ he says, continuing with the Ben and Tammy conversation.

  ‘Then why do you think he puts up with it?’

  I know I should be doing my work. I’ve got a huge meeting later on this morning and I still need to print off stuff for it, but now that I’ve opened this can of worms with Giles, I don’t feel like I can close it again. Not until I’ve got the dirt.

  ‘Well, there was this ex of his that messed him up pretty badly, and since then he’s not really committed to anyone.’

  I think of Sian and how damaged she is for the same reason, and I think of my own pathetic break-up. For a minute I wonder why we ever try this love game when a heartbreak can have that effect on the rest of your life. Maybe Ben’s got a point, saving himself the heartache.