The Hadra

by Diana Rivers

  The second suitor is the son of the headman. Ganthor was extremely angered by her refusal and keeps threatening to make a real woman of her, by which, I suppose, he means to force her to his will. Naturally, Nhari’s mother is very frightened by these threats. She has asked Ozzet to watch out for Nhari. This, of course, does not make us more beloved by Ganthor and his people. I think Nhari is so brave. I wish she could leave with us and come to live in Zelindar. Then I think I would be less lonely there.

  * * *

  Things have moved very fast since I wrote those last words, and I have not been able to get back to my account for several days. We are now in the settlement of Bonathaire, north of Darthill. The people here are very friendly to us. They are willing to keep our presence among them secret. On our last day in Darthill, Ozzet’s mother summoned us into their little hut. She had her sister guard the door to make sure we were not overheard. “You are all in danger,” she told us in a fierce whisper “especially if you take Nhari with you. And you must take her. She would not survive here long once you were gone. You have said you are going to Mishghall tomorrow. I have heard that some of those men plan to attack you before you get there and leave you for dead. I know you have powers, but you will have two with you who are unprotected, and who knows what manner of harm they plan. They will expect you on the road west to Mishghall in the morning. I suggest you leave tonight. Go north and head for the settlement of Bonathaire. I have friends there. If this seems a good plan to you, some of the women will get food prepared in secret and have your horses ready. You can slip out in the dead of night and be gone long before they think to look for you.”

  Ozzet threw her arms around her mother “Come with us, all of you, all my family. We can make a good life together there in the south. It is beautiful and there is an abundance of everything.”

  Her mother pulled free and shook her head. “Think what you are asking, child. There is your grandmother, who is too old to travel, and your sister Selvayne, who is pregnant and almost at term, and your other sister, who has two small children. Besides, they each have husbands, who in turn have families of their own here. And you know your father would never leave. No, this is where I will live out my life. Go now while you have the chance, so I only have to weep for your departure and not for your death.”

  * * *

  We rode for three nights and slept hidden during the day with sentries posted. I am glad to be in Bonathaire, but the ride here was a torture for me. I wish I could say I am as brave and resourceful as the Hadra. Instead, I rode in fear the whole way. All the memories of the war between our people were rekindled: people screaming; bodies in the street; our father being killed and then our mother; being left alone with Ishnu in the middle of all that horror until Dhurnathi found us. I said nothing of my feelings, but, of course, the Hadra knew. Ozzet kept close to give me comfort. She tried to get me to talk of my fears, but I shook my head and kept my mouth closed on the ugliness of the past. Perhaps someday I will find a way to speak of it all.

  As soon as we got here, we started building a boat with the help of the Kourmairi. It will be a fine, big boat, big enough for all of us. Two others besides Nhari left Darthill with us. They are nice enough, but it is Nhari who is my real friend. Never in my life have I had such a friend. We are closer than sisters. In fact…This was followed by another part that said, “Too personal” next to it. This time it was crossed out well enough to be completely illegible. So, I thought, our daughter is growing up…

  This personal part, in turn, was followed by a description of their stay in Bonathaire. I fell asleep reading about the building of the boat and dreamt a terrifying dream. I was seventeen again. It was my first year with the Hadra. We were trying to escape from fastfire and the Zarn’s guards. The only way to flee was by boat, but we could not build one fast enough or well enough. We knew they were coming. We could feel them advancing on us. Yet, every time we jumped into the boat to leave, it sprang a leak and began to sink. I groaned aloud and woke in a sweat, thrashing about. Zheran wrapped me in her arms and I fell asleep again, held safely in her loving embrace.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The morning after Ursa’s return, the four of us were sitting around the eating table in our little hut, looking at maps and drawings and listening to Ursa tell stories of her trip. Zheran was glowing with pride. Ishnu was leaning forward, her attention fastened on every word, listening to her older sister with a rapt admiration only slightly tinged with envy. I looked around at their faces and thought, This is my family…

  After all my losses, I had a family and a home again. Why had it taken me so long to recognize that? And now it would not last much longer. The girls were growing up. They would soon be gone. I had wasted the time resenting them, when I could have been loving them. What a fool I had been. Then, suddenly, I thought of my mother and sister, and the pain of missing them rushed through me again. All gone now, my other life, all swept away. Suddenly, I was flooded with waves of grief and joy following one upon the other, grief for what I had lost and joy for these three who meant so much to me.

  Ursa had taken off the binding cords and spread the pages out on the table so we could see many things at once. “Here,” she said, speaking with new authority and pointing to a place on a long map made up of several pieces of paper fastened together. “Right here you can see a wide bend in the Escuro River. The Koormir have made a great Essu ground at that spot. The Kourmairi come together from many settlements for the Essu, and even some Hadra come from these settlements here and here. And in this place, a wild river from the mountains rushes down into the Escuro and forms a little lake. Down below that, the land is flat and the river spreads out into broad swamplands, stretching as far as the eyes can see. That part of the Escuro meanders and has many streams and estuaries, so it is not always easy to follow. The birds and the plants—everything is different there. I tried to capture them as best I could.” As she was speaking, she spread out pages of brightly colored pictures on the table. “We spent weeks in those swamps, exploring, mapping, sometimes getting lost. There were creatures such as I could not have imagined. Look at this one with the long spiky tail and this one with the crest and fangs. Once, Ozzet even had to rescue me from the jaws of a…” Ursa caught the look of horror on her mother’s face. She stopped in midsentence and put her hand over Zheran’s. “Oh, Mother, I am so sorry for the grief I caused you. I did not think…One day just flowed into the next… It was all so new…The truth of it is I forgot anything else existed except what was happening right in front of me at that moment. Please try to forgive my selfishness.”

  Zheran’s smile of pride and pleasure could have lit up the night sky. “All that is forgiven and forgotten. I am only glad to have you safely home again. Besides, a child who does not worry her mother is too tame.”

  Now Ursa bowed her head and flushed with embarrassment. “I had no idea you heard my careless words.”

  “It is of no matter now. And besides, you were right.” After that, there was a moment of silence. On impulse, I reached out and took Ursa’s hand on one side of me and Ishnu’s on the other. Zheran did the same on her side, so that we were all four linked in a circle. Then Zheran said softly, “Thank You, Mother. Out of all the chaos of these times, You brought us together in this place.” I let those words sink into my heart, giving thanks inwardly. The silence stretched on and on, filling me with peace, until Ishnu suddenly broke through it, saying angrily, “Mother, it is time you found me a husband. I am tired of being the child of the house.”

  Zheran bristled instantly. “Impossible, ridiculous, you are much too young,” she burst out. “It is not time yet. There is no way to…”

  While Zheran went on protesting, Ursa looked at her sister in surprise. “Why would you not want to find your own husband? I never plan to marry, but if I did, I would certainly insist on choosing the man myself.”

  “Of course you would. You have made yourself over into a Hadra. But I have not. I am still a
Kourmairi like my mother, and I will go by their ways.”

  “I have not made myself over into anything,” Ursa answered indignantly. “I am who I always was, only more so, whatever that makes me. And even if I was born among them, the Koormir have no claim on me. Besides, look what they did to our lives with their ways.”

  By then Ishnu was ignoring her sister and looking defiantly at me. “Have you nothing to add to this scolding, Tazzil, now that you have finally decided at this late time to become my other mother?”

  I could not have been more surprised. I had never before heard a rude word out of her mouth. It seemed that the good child had become the bad one overnight. The magic moment was broken. Now all our attention, for better or worse, was focused on Ishnu. Ursa’s maps and stories were forgotten. I took a deep breath and answered mildly, with none of Zheran’s charge, “If you are asking what I think, Ishnu, I must say I agree with your mother. It is too early to make a decision you will have to live with the rest of your life. And I also agree with your sister that you should make your own choice. What if your mother finds you a suitable husband and you have a wonderful wedding, and then a few years down the road, when you are a little older, you find the man who is your true mate and you fall in love? By then you will already have a family, and nothing but grief will come of it for everyone: for you, for the children, for both men. Better to wait awhile and live a little before you bind yourself for life to another person.” I saw she was about to interrupt me and held up my hand. “But I know the young have their own ways, and you will no doubt do as you please, just as I did. You know that I give no orders here and never have. I only ask that you give some thought to what we are saying.”

  Ishnu jumped to her feet. “Maybe I will start right now looking for this husband, this true mate who is waiting somewhere for me. Or is Ursa the only one free to travel about?” She looked around defiantly at us all, as if waiting to be stopped.

  There was a stricken look on Zheran’s face. She was struggling to speak. I was afraid that whatever she said would only throw fuel on the fire, so I jumped quickly into the gap. “Ishnu, you have a whole life ahead of you, full of love and adventure and joy and pain. Ursa’s little moment of glory can take none of that away from you. Do not destroy it for yourself.”

  Now she turned on Zheran, and there was a quaver in her voice. “When Ursa was gone, when you thought she was dead, you forgot all about me. You were grieving so much for her, I did not even exist for you. And now that you have her home again, I have no place anymore. I want my own home and…” Suddenly Ishnu was crying like a little girl. Zheran grabbed her in a hug and began whispering endearments in her ear. Then Ursa hugged her too, and after a moment, I wrapped my arms around all three of them. Muffled by her sobs, I heard Ishnu saying in a little-girl voice, “Ursa, Big Sister, I did not mean to spoil your homecoming. It was only that I felt so lost and worthless.”

  Only minutes later, Ursa and Ishnu were making plans for some sort of boat trip. Soon after that, Nhari was standing in the doorway, looking a little uncertain of her welcome. We had just drawn her into the family circle when a group of Hadra appeared at the door. For a change, they were not looking for me but for Ursa, wanting to hear about the trip and see her account with its maps and pictures. Ishnu was glued to her side, helping tell the story with great enthusiasm, while Nhari stood shyly at her shoulder, adding a few words now and then. I reached over, took Zheran’s hand, and drew her out of the house. “Come on, old woman, it is time for us to be gone from here.”

  * * *

  That next year or so was a time of relative peace and prosperity for Zelindar, and so for me as well. There were no more raids from Eezore. My grief for Lorren was easing with time, and Yolande had become part of our lives. As our harvests were good, we traded food for goods with the folk of Wanderer Hill. We also traded with Wanderers who were passing through. Hadra came to visit us from other settlements, bringing news of peace up and down the coast.

  In the city itself, we were building new shelters and enlarging old ones, paving streets, and shaping more terraces for growing vegetables and flowers. Visiting Hadra or Wanderers sometimes brought us little saplings from far places; we were planting them all through the city. We were also building more and more boats. Kourmairi men from Indaran taught us the skill of cutting and shaping the beautiful white rock that was so plentiful here, and so our Zildorn was almost finished. With the help of Vestri and the others, Kara had made a huge statue of the Goddess to stand in front of the Zildorn at the very top of Third Hill. Life in Zelindar was beginning to have some shape and pattern that was predictable. And I was finally learning to be grateful for the powers I had so often cursed. It was with the aid of our Kersh, as we came to call our powers, that we were able to lift rocks and logs to shape our city.

  * * *

  It was that next spring—the spring after the boat trip—when Ursa finally had her first-bloods. Kilghari had told her about the Muinyairin first-bloods rites, those rites by which girls were accepted as women into the Muinyairin tribes. All that winter, Ursa had been organizing the young women who were like her, those who were too young to be Hadra but who had no wish to be Kourmairi anymore. She had asked me to do a first-bloods ritual for her that would also be an acceptance ritual for the rest of them.

  Besides Nhari, there were four others of that age who had come back on the boat with Ozzet and more than twenty who had fostered among us or come to us later on their own. At Ursa’s insistence, Kazouri had finally agreed to train them in self-defense and unarmed combat. Kazouri had been resistant at first, but in the end, she had been delighted to put her skills to use again. Kara, Cruzia, and even Shalamith had been induced to teach what music they knew on the flute, the ferl, and the kerril. Even the Sheezerti had been prevailed upon to teach some of their precious acrobatic tricks.

  I could not have been more surprised when Hayika took up with these young women on one of her infrequent visits to Zelindar. She decided to stay for a while and train them in the Muinyairin style of riding. Hayika seemed to enjoy these wild young women who were so ripe for training and also so hungry for attention. Much to my amusement, I would often see them following her about, imitating her ways and her style and even her manner of walking. “For draiga they are not so bad,” she said to me admiringly one day, as the whole troupe of them swept by us, riding fast and trading horses on the run. It was hard not to be alarmed. I suppose my days of wild riding were behind me. I was very glad Zheran was not there to witness this, and at the same time, my heart swelled with pride. That daughter of ours was a thing to watch.

  Most of the Hadra admired these young women, especially those among us who had been Muinyairin. Rishka was the exception. She had nothing but sour words for them. Ursa did not complain: it was not her way. It was Nhari who drew me aside, hurt and puzzled. “Why is Rishka always so angry? Why does she hate us so? What have we ever done to her? Everything she says to us is intentionally rude and hurtful.” Those were almost the same questions that Dorca had asked in despair all those many years back, shortly after we had freed her from Eezore.

  I shrugged and shook my head. “That one has never been very easy to understand, but I will speak with her.”

  Now Nhari looked startled and put a restraining hand on my arm. “Oh, no, please, do not use my name. It would only make matters worse—much worse.” I gave her my assurance and went to look for Rishka. Her unkindness made me very angry. In some way it also hurt me deeply. These young women who had no name and no place in the world were trying so hard to make a life for themselves among us.

  I found Rishka easily enough, but when I tried to talk to her, she gave me a sullen and resentful glare. “They are not one thing or another. They are no longer Kourmairi and can never be Hadra. Of what use are they to us or anyone?”

  “Perhaps they are something new in the world, just as we are. I see them as not so different from ourselves a few years back, when we were trying to find some safe place t
o put our lives.”

  “This is different. They are not under a death edict. They can go back to the villages they came from. Their people are settled now.”

  “Those are no longer their people. They have lived with us too long, or they came here because they could not fit themselves into the Kourmairi mold anymore. Rishka, why do you resent them so? Can we not accept them here and make a place for them among us? Do you remember how Hayika once said that we, the Kourmairi and the Shokarn, would never accept the Muinyairin? Yet look at us now. We have a name and are becoming a people. In spite of our differences, we are building a city together. How is this any different? These are the children of the future. How can we send them back to a place that is no longer theirs? Be a little merciful, old friend. Show a little kindness.”

  “Mercy! Mercy! What do we need with more mercy?” she burst out angrily. “Next, you will be even more merciful and want to invite Kourmairi men—or better yet, Shokarn guards—to come live among us.”

  I shook my head. “Sometimes I think you have no generosity in your heart.”

  “Sometimes I have no heart. Who was ever generous with me?”

  I could hear the raw pain under her anger, but my own anger got the best of me. “We were, Rishka, all of us! Alyeeta may have silenced you, but she never spoke for throwing you back out where you came from. We took you in when you were like an Oolanth cub, all claws and fangs, spitting and snarling in every direction, and clawing at every hand that reached out to you. At least these young ones have better manners—far better.”

  “Aiyeee, what has happened to Hayika? I thought at least she would understand. I always thought that sooner or later the Kourmairi women would go back to their own people, or at least, most of them would. You, of course, might not want that, as you have taken up with one of them. I believed the same of these fosterlings. Now they tell us they want to stay with us the rest of their lives. Do we have no choice?”