Price of love

by Rachel Lindsay

  Sunday was a busy day for Paula. She took up three hems, washed the curtains, turned out a chest of drawers and cleaned the gas stove. Her body worked like an automaton and her mind—by some special dispensation —did not work at all.

  Monday morning brought four dozen red roses from Jason and a card saying' Please forgive me for behaving like a fool.' She shredded the card to fragments and handed the roses in to Women's Surgical. How dare Jason think that flowers could obliterate the knowledge that Caroline had been with him at Le Mans? Never again would she place herself in a position of vulnerability with him. She had learned her lesson the hard way and it was one she would not forget.

  It was one thing to make a resolution; another to keep it. Prepared for him to telephone her the moment he returned to England, she was not prepared to find him waiting outside her house when she got back from the hospital some time near midnight.

  Quickly she ran up the path to the front door, but he was at her side before her fumbling hand could fit the key in the lock.

  'I'm coming in to talk to you,' he said. ' Don't try and stop me.'

  ' You're not coining in.' She withdrew the key and plunged it deep in her pocket.

  ' Very well,' he nodded. ' We'll talk out here.'

  'I've nothing to say to you.'

  'I've plenty to say to youV His hands grasped her arms, bruising her with their grip. ' How many more times do you want me to say I'm sorry? I know I behaved badly over the boy, but I was jealous. I was wrong and I admit it. Now stop running away from me.'

  'I'm not running,' she said quietly. 'I didn't talk to you because there's no point in it.'

  ' No point . . . what's the matter with you, Paula? I've admitted I was wrong over the boy. What more do you want?'

  ' What more I' Her laughter was a harsh sound in her throat. 'I want so much more than you're capable of giving that it's a waste of time for you to try.'

  'Stop all this double-talk and tell me what I've done.'

  ' Don't you know?' she choked. ' Do you think you can be in Le Mans with Caroline Leonard and keep it a secret?'

  ' So that's it I' His hands dropped to his side and the anger seemed to leave him. ' You accuse me of being true to pattern, yet you're exactly the same yourself. You're looking for ways of doubting me, Paula. If you can't find them you'll invent them.'

  'I suppose you'll tell me I invented the fact that Caroline was with you?'

  ' No, that's true enough. Except that she wasn't with me in the sense you mean. One of the other girls there—a friend of hers—telephoned to tell her I was on my own.'

  ' So she chartered a private plane and popped over to see you.' Paula said sarcastically.

  ' That's exactly what she did I'

  ' And you told her to go back home again, I suppose ? Don't lie to me, Jason. I saw the programme on television last night. I know you were with Caroline.'

  ' Of course I was with her. What do you think I was going to do? Cut her dead? Would you ignore Edgar under the same circumstances?'

  'I don't think you can equate my friendship with Martin with your cheap little affair with Caroline.'

  ' You won t gain anything by belittling Caroline,' he retorted. ' She may not be one of the working women you admire so much, but she's at least proved she loves me—

  which is more than you've ever donel Caroline would follow me round the world if I wanted her to.'

  ' Naturally,' Paula retorted. ' She's got nothing better to do with her time I'

  He was silent for so long that she doubted whether he was going to answer her. She moved to the door and was searching for her key when he spoke, his voice so soft she could hardly hear it. 'I'm not surprised you don't like Caroline. She loves me and she's not too proud to admit it, which is something you've been frightened of doing from the moment we met. You've made me beg for every kiss I've ever had from you and for every hour we've spent together. You're a fraud, Paula. You look like a woman, but you're an empty sepulchre.'

  'If you've finished'

  ' Not quite. I thought I could win your love, and I realize I was wrong. You have no love to give.' Tie half smiled. '

  Perhaps there's something in what the psychologists say after all—that men fall in love with women who remind them of their mothersI'

  The sound of Jason's car had died away into the night before Paula found the strength to open the door and drag herself inside. Of all the terrible things he had said, the fact that hurt most was his searing comparison of her with his mother. Unhappy though Paula had been on her return from the villa, when she had believnd Jason did not love her, it was now far worse to live with

  the knowledge that, having won his love, she had failed to hold it. Yet she could not see where she had gone wrong, and knew that if the clock were turned back she would have acted exactly the same.

  The weeks that followed were lonely ones for her. Not only had she lost Jason, but she had also lost the old, easy intimacy she bad once shared with Martin. By tacit understanding Jason's name was never mentioned; yet at every meeting he seemed to be there, an invisible third, creating a barrier between them. Because of Jason, Martin was no longer a friend; because of Jason, she would never be able to accept Martin as a husband.

  Strangely, the one person Paula found it possible to talk to without restraint was Donald Blake. Debbie was too close to her brother, Martin too personally involved; Donald, from bis position on the sidelines, could see both Jason and herself with equal detachment.

  She was sitting alone in the canteen late one evening when he carried his tray to her table. ' Debbie thinks you're cutting her and she's upset about it,' he said without preliminaries. ' Can I tell her it's her imagination?'

  ' No. It's true. I'm sorry, Donald, she means well, but she gets on my nerves. She won't accept the fact that Jason and I are through.'

  ' Have you accepted it?'

  Her look was so astonished that he knew he would have to explain. ' Everybody in the hospital knows you're still pining for him. You're getting thinner by the day and paler by the minute.'

  ' That's not very funny.'

  I'

  'I wasn't trying to be funny! You're still in love with the man. it?'

  'I've never denied it.'

  'Then what the hell!'

  'It wouldn't work. Anyway, he doesn't love me.'

  ' Not that again!' Donald exploded.

  'It's true.'

  'I suppose he said so?'

  She nodded. ' When he came back from Le Mans.'

  'Ahl' There was a world of meaning in the word. ' Haven't you ever said anything in a temper and then regretted it?'

  ' Don't talk to me about regrets. I've regretted every single minute I spent with Jason. I don't want to see him again and I don't want to talk about him.'

  Donald sipped bis coffee. He made a face, set the cup back on its saucer and stirred in a teaspoonful of sugar. 'I'm going to many Debbie,' he said suddenly. 'I've been trying for months to convince her it wouldn't work, but now she's convinced me that it will.'

  'I think it will too—I'm awfully pleased for you, Donald, I know you'll be very happy together.'

  His look was quizzical. 'Do you think we'll overcome our difficulties more easily man yon and Jason?'

  She retreated against the question until she realized it stemmed from a genuine desire to have an answer. '

  Debbie's not just willing to make your life hers. She's actually proved it by becoming a part of your life. The only way your marriage will fail is if you g'et on your high horse and start telling her what to do with her own money.'

  'I'd never do that. We've already agreed I'll take care of our home and she can spend her allowance—and it's more than I earn in a year—on her clothes, and on children I'

  Although delighted that Donald's happiness was assured, Paula felt an increased sense of her own loneliness, and with an effort prevented herself from running out of the room.

  'I hope you'll come,' he said.

  She l
ooked at him so blankly mat he realized she had not heard him. 'To the farewell party for Jean Graham,' he explained,' the red-haired staff nurse who's going out to New Zealand to get married.'

  'I didn't know she was leaving so soon'

  'Next week. The farewell parry's on Saturday. Shall I pick you up?'

  ' Don't bother. The Nurses' Home is only round the corner from where I live.'

  ' Don't forget, Paula. It will do you good,'

  'I'll be there.'

  It was only her fear that she might be regarded as a thwarted spinster who begrudged other women happiness that prevented Paula from calling off her acceptance at the last moment. To this end she took special care with, her make-up, using the cosmetics she had not looked at since she had fled from the villa.

  She took so much longer than usual to dress that music was already coming from the Nurses' Home as she walked up the drive towards it. The recreation room where the party was being held was too crowded for her to sec Donald or Debbie, but glimpsing Martin's tall figure near the impromptu bar set up at the far end of the room, she began to edge her way through the crush towards him. She had gone half a dozen paces when a pair of broad shoulders and a dark blond head materialized from nowhere in front of her, and as the man turned she found her way blocked by Jason Scott.

  For a moment they stared at each other: Paula incredulous, Jason beseeching.

  ' Darling,' he murmured, and put out his hand to touch her. ' You're more beautiful than ever.'

  ' No!' she gasped. ' No!'

  Turning from him in blind panic, she began to push her way towards the door.

  CHAPTER VII

  The panic that flooded through Paula at seeing Jason when she had believed him to be hundreds of miles away robbed her of all logic. Afraid to return to the party, she was also afraid to go home in case he was waiting for her there, and for more than an hour she walked the streets of Marsden.

  It was not till it began to rain that she took notice of her surroundings and saw the lights of the hospital less than fifty yards away. Her breath caught in her throat and the blue flashing light of an ambulance shimmered and wavered through eyes that were suddenly wet with tears. More than ever, hospital meant home—a womb to which she could return for comfort. She ran towards it Here she was safe from Jason. In the cool, clinical atmosphere where emotion was superseded by efficiency, she stood a chance of thinking about him with some degree of sanity. As she entered the vestibule she knew she had been right to come here. Already the faint smell of disinfectant was superseding the aroma of the special cigarettes Jason smoked, and the metallic voice of the intercom requesting for a doctor drowned the memory of his drawling, arrogant voice.

  Although she bad not been expected back, only a few moments passed before she was with a patient—a recently admitted nicer case that had started to haemorrhage.

  'I'm glad you were here,' the staff nurse said as they finally left the ward together. ' Casualty have been so busy tonight they wouldn't have thanked me for calling them.'

  'I'U be in the canteen if you want me' Paula said.

  'I doubt if we will again tonight. Dr Blake's due back at ten.' The nurse looked at her sharply. 'If you don't mind my saying so, doctor, the best place for you is bed. You look all in.'

  Paula shrugged away the remark and went to the canteen for a cup of coffee. She took it to a table in the corner and sat with her back to the room, hoping no one would speak to her. She had to think of the implications behind Jason's re-appearance in Marsden, and her own reaction to it.

  " I'm tired," she thought. " I can't take any more." Fighting Jason was like fighting herself. For the first time that evening she admitted what had been obvious from the beginning: the panic she had felt at seeing him sprung from fear of her own emotions, from the knowledge that within five minutes of their being alone together she would have found herself in his arms. With a murmur she pushed aside her cup and leaned her head on her hands. Resentfully she became aware of someone coming to sit opposite her. Martin, she thought dully—and looked out through the spread fan of her fingers. Jason's face Btared back at her. She shut her eyes quickly, hoping that what she could not see could not really exist . . .

  ' Look at me, Paula.' A finger touched her cheek, 'When are you going to stop running away?'

  'I'm not. You've no right to come here.' She sat up straight, out of his reach. ' Let me alone, Jason. We're finished.'

  ' You know that's not true. This week's been helL I can't go through it again.'

  ' You can't go through it I' Her voice rose and he stood up quickly.

  ' We can't talk here, Paula' His hand under her elbow brooked no argument and she allowed him to lead her out of the hospital to his car.

  Huddled against the window she stared unseeingly at the houses flashing past, only half aware that the buildings were thinning out and more trees and hedgerows were taking their place. They were on the outskirts of Marsden before he spoke again.

  'I love you, Paula. That's why I acted so stupidly over Le Mans. Can you forgive me, darling ?' The arrogance had gone from his voice and the pulse that ticked at the side of his mouth told her how much it was costing him to speak this way. She had an overwhelming

  longing to move towards him, but knew that if she did she was lost.

  'It's no use, Jason. There comes a time when you can't put tilings right just-by saying you're Sony.'

  ' Does that mean you won't forgive me?'

  ' You can't ask a question like that. It's got nothing to do with forgiveness. It's your attitude that's wrong —at least wrong for me' she amended. ' There'll always be something for us to quarrel about—some reason for one of us to reel hurt.'

  'Tbere'd be no reason for that if we were married. It's because we're unsure of each other that—'

  'No. Marriage doesn't solve problems. It creates them!'

  ' Our marriage wouldn't. And for heaven's sake don't 6ay we're poles apart Debbie and Donald are willing to put their love to the test. Why can't we?'

  Paula sighed. 'I suppose it was Debbie who brought you to the party.'

  ' 'Fraid so. Our alliance dates back to the nursery I'

  'It hasn't changed,' she said wearily. ' You'll never grow up.'

  'I'd always understood it was a sign of maturity to know what you wanted and be prepared to fight for it.' He drew into a lay-by and switched off the engine. 'I want to be everything you want me to be,' he said huskily. ' Why won't you let me try?'

  ' Because it wouldn't work.'

  He slid across the seat and, smoothing her hair back from her forehead, rested his face against hers. ' Don't send me away, Paula. My life's finished without you.'

  Her nails dug into her palms in an effort not to respond to him. ' No, Jason. Let me go.'

  'NeverI Stop fighting me, Paula. Yon can't live without me, any more than I can live without you.'

  His breath was warm on her cheek and she felt her body tremble. 'You need a playmate, Jason, not a wife.'

  'I need you,' he said, and kissed the tip of her nose. 'I'm a reformed character, sweetheart, and a plastics factory's no playground, as I've had two weeks to find out.'

  ' Two weeks?'

  He nodded. 'I suppose you thought I'd gone back to the villa?'

  'Why didn't you? There's nothing for you in Marsden.'

  ' You're here,' he contradicted. ' The girl I'm going to marry. I wanted to force you to see me days ago, but I knew I had to give you some proof that I'd meant what I said about starting work. I've kow-towed to my father and buttered him up till he's agreed to give me a free hand. He's actually promised to leave me in control of one department."

  She was too stunned by what he was saying to make any comment, and be misinterpreted her silence.

  Look, Paula. I know I'm still a playboy by your standards, but at least have the generosity to accept that I'm trying to change.'

  'I do accept it,' she said slowly, ' but'

  'But what?' he demanded fiercely. 'I've don
e all I can, Paula. Now it's your turn.'

  ' There's nothing I can do. I know why you got npset over Tommy, and I know it'll happen again.' 'Never I»

  'It will. You'll always be resentful if I put a patient before you.'

  ' Not if we were married.' His arms were around her and his lips pressed hard against hers. For a moment she yielded, then turned her mouth away.

  ' No, Jason.'

  'Yes, he insisted. 'Don't you see, it's the uncertainty of our relationship that s poisoning it? I get jumpy and worried and begin to doubt whether you love me. If you were my wife I'd be sure. I'd know that whatever happened, whoever needed you, you'd be coming home to me.'

  It was a serious speech for Jason and she felt a rush of hope. ' You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?'

  'I've done more than think about it. I've got a special licence and a ring. All yon need do is tell me when you can get a couple of hours off from the hospital.'

  The response was unexpected, yet typical of him. ' You're joking.'

  'I'm not.' His voice was so determined she began to feel alarmed. Jason had trapped her and it only made it worse that she knew herself a willing prisoner. ' Well?' he challenged. ' We've no reason to wait.'

  Paula swallowed with difficulty. ' You can't expect an answer tonight. I need time.'

  'To know whether you love me? You know that already.'

  There was despair in his voice. 'I've done my best to make you see I've changed. I've admitted I've been stupid and wrong. I've pleaded with you in a way I've never pleaded with anyone. I've got no

  ride with you, Paula. I'd crawl on my hands and nees if I thought it would help you to change your mind.'

  'Jason, don't I' She couldn't bear to see him so humble. 'I wouldn't want any human being to crawl because of me. The doubts I ve got about us aren't because I don't love you—I do—but because I'm afraid we'll hurt each other.

  ' We'll hurt each other more if we part. You're my incentive, Paula. I need you.'

  It was the age-old cry of the lover, the husband, the child, and every feminine instinct in Paula responded to it. He needed her. Gently she stroked his hair, feeling the tension inside her ebb. He needed her . . .