Price of love

by Rachel Lindsay

  strength she tore Martin's hand from her shoulder and ran towards Jason, reaching his side at the same time as a dark-haired girl. But Paula did not sec her except as a shadowy figure among other shadowy figures . . all she was conscious of was Jason . . . 'I've got tc speak to you.'Imploringly she put her hand on his sleeve and he allowed it to rest there unseeingly. His lack of reaction was curiously chilling, and her fear grew. ' Look at me, Jason!'

  'I am,' he slurred, ' and I don't like what I sec. You make me sick, Paula. Go awayl'

  'Don't say that!' She clutched his sleeve again. ' You've got to listen to me.' She knew people were looking at them, but she was beyond caring. 'I know what you think, but you're wrong. I didn't come here with Martin. I met him by accident.'

  'Accident I' Jason laughed cruelly. 'That's how ou meet all your men, isn't it, Paula?' He shook off er hand and turned to the dark-haired girl on the other side of him. '

  How do you meet your men, sweetheart— by accident or by design?' With a shock Paula recognized Caroline Leonard.

  The girl laughed softly and leaned against Jason's shoulder, her hair flicking provocatively against his cheek.

  'I don't have any men, darling. You're the only one.'

  'And a good thing tool'

  His voice was still slurred and Paula realized he was drunk. But Jason never drank to excess; it was one of his rules. As if to disprove it he swayed closer to Caroline and steadied himself by resting his hands on the swelling curves of her breasts. Seeing his hands on another woman's body was like having a knife twisting deep inside her, and Paula bit her lip to prevent herself crying out.

  ' Jason,' she said again, ' don't act like a child. I want to talk to you.'

  ' We've nothing to say to each other.' He rubbed his cheek against Caroline's. ' You were the one I should have married, my sweet. You're my sort of girl.' He glanced at Paula, his eyes glazed, his face flushed. Then bending his head he lightly touched his lips to Caroline's mouth.

  Watching, mesmerized, Paula felt something inside her die. Somehow she found the strength to tear her eyes away and as the spell broke she realized from the emptiness around her that the third act must have already started on stage while the three of them were acting out their own private drama. A wave of sickness engulfed her and she stumbled her way to the cloakroom. For how long she remained there she never knew, and it was not until she felt a sharp, dragging pain in the pit of her stomach that she pulled herself together. It was a pain she could not ignore—her own medical knowledge told her that—and she went slowly into the foyer in search of a telephone.

  A man detached himself from the shadows and came towards her. It was Martin, and she tried to push past him. But there was no strength left in her to fight him and she sat down limply on the nearest chair.

  ' Paula, you're ill' He bent over her. 'It's my fault. I shouldn't have kissed you. I don't know what came over me. I must have gone mad.'

  'It's not important,' she whispered. ' Nothing is important.'

  'I'll see Jason and explain.'

  ' No I' The words brought her back to life. ' You mustn't say anything to him. We're finished.'

  ' Don't be ridiculous. He was drunk and I antagonized him.'

  'It was more than being drunk,' she said dully. ' No man should have behaved the way he did.' Her voice faded as pain caught at her and she closed her eyes and tried to fight against it.

  Martin spoke to her again, his voice seeming to come from a long way off. It was only as the words take you home'Impinged on her that she forced her eyes open and struggled up.

  'I can't go home. I'm—I'm . . .' she clenched her hands. 'I think I might be having a miscarriage.'

  ' Then don't move' Instantly Martin was the doctor, professional concern driving out all personal considerations. 'I daren't drive you back to Marsdcn. I'll try and get you into a hospital here.'

  ' Be quick,' she gasped, and leaned forward. The redcarpeted corridor seemed to flow away beneath her feet like a river and the shaded wall lights floated in a transparent haze. She tried to focus on one particular light, but it wavered and blurred. 'Hurry,' she said loudly, and fainted for the first time in her life.

  Paula awakened to find herself in a hospital bed, a young Jamaican nurse bending over her. It needed no words to tell her she bad lost the baby, and though she knew that this meant the end of her last link with Jason, she knew too that it was probably better that it should happen this way.

  ' Don't be so upset,' the nurse murmured. ' You're young and you'll have lots more children.'

  Paula smiled and closed her eyes. There was no point in telling the nurse she would never have any more children, never allow any other man to come near her emotionally. For the next ten days she had plenty of time to think, but somehow nothing seemed important; even the memory of Caroline in Jason's arms failed to arouse more than a dull ache in her. She would never live with Jason again, nor see him—except by accident or at a solicitor's office to discuss details of their divorce. Briefly she wondered what would have happened if she bad not been in Manchester that Saturday; if James Simpson had not remembered her, if Martin had not been bis guest, if she had reached Jason's side before Martin reached hers . . . There were so many imponderables and all of them unproductive. The only thing that counted was reality. And reality meant Jason with Caroline ... It was fated to happen, she decided, and you could not fight against fate. She said as much to Martin when he collected her from the hospital and drove her back to Marsden, but to her surprise he did not agree with her.

  'Your fate is what you make of it. And if you see yours with Scott, then you should fight for it.'

  'I don't see Jason in my life any more,' she said flatly. '

  That's all over and done with.'

  'If there's anything I can do. I know you blame me and'

  ' Don't say any more.' She put her band on his arm. ' You behaved childishly, but Jason behaved even worse. He judged me guilty from the very beginning.'

  ' Because he was jealous of you.'

  'I don't want to go into it any more, Martin. If I had meant anything to Jason he couldn't have behaved with Caroline the way he did. It was cruel . , .'

  They were nearing her home before Martin spoke again. 'I didn't tell anyone why you were in hospital. I said you had pneumonia.'

  ' Thank you. The one thing I couldn't have bome was sympathy.'

  ' Will you tell Debbie the truth?'

  ' Certainly not. I haven't seen her for weeks anyway.'

  ' She'll be coming to see you this evening. She wanted to go and see you in Manchester, but I put her off.'

  ' Thank heaven you did. I wish you could put her off a bit longer I'

  ' See her,' Martin said quietly. ' Don't run away any more, Paula.'

  It was the memory of Martin's last words that kept Paula calm when Debbie and Donald came to see her at the bungalow that evening.

  j You look as if you need a holiday,' Debbie said, hugging her tightly.

  ' All I need is to get back to work."

  Debbie sighed and walked into the living-room, and Paula perched on the edge of the settee and racked her brains for something to say. But Jason's presence aeemed to loom over the room, making words impossible. Awkwardly, Donald paced the carpet, stopping at the mantelpiece and the table to fiddle with an ashtray cr lift an ornament, and it was left to Debbie, finally, to break the silence. Jason I' she said firmly. ' There's no point not mentioning my brother's name. I'm a friend of yours,

  Paula, and I don't want the break-up between you and Jason to affect our friendship.'

  Paula's heart raced.and then steadied. Somehow, hearing another person refer to the break-up of her marriage gave it finality. 'I hope it won't break up our friendship,' she echoed. ' But I also hope you won't go on talking about Jason.'

  Debbie glanced at Donald, and then said: ' May we talk of him for the moment? You see, it concerns Donald too.'

  Paula looked at him in surprise, and he said quickly: ' />
  What Debbie means is that Jason's doing a prototype of the new kidney machine I've been working on. I talked over some of the problems with him and he worked out a way of overcoming them. This morning he rang to tell me that the prototype will be ready in a month and that the cost is even less than I thought. It will revolutionize the whole technique of treatment 1"

  ' That's wonderful! ' Paula ran over and hugged him and then turned to Debbie. ' You must be very proud of Donald.'

  'I'm proud of Jason too.'

  ' So am I,' Paula said quietly.

  'You'll be even prouder to know Jason's running the entire factory. My father hasn't had anything to do with it since his heart attack. You were right about Jason, Paula. All he needed was a chance to prove himself.'

  Paula smiled brightly. ' We should have a drink to celebrate all this, but unfortunately the sideboard's bare. All I can offer you is tea I'

  'I'll make it,' Donald said. ' You two girls have a natter.'

  Alone with Debbie, Paula chatted aimlessly about the hospital, knowing as she did so that she was only buying time. Eventually she ran out of words, and Debbie grasped the silence.

  ' You and Mr Edgar saw Jason at the theatre the night you were taken ill.'

  Paula considered the words. They were a statement, not a question, and she wondered whether Debbie knew the way Jason had behaved with Caroline. 'Yes,'she said slowly, 'I did see him there.'

  ' And acted like strangers?'

  ' Jason and I are strangers. We should never have got married.'

  To Paula's relief, Debbie accepted the remark without any argument, and it was not until she and Donald were ttying goodnight that Debbie referred to her brother again.

  'If there's anything I can do to bring you together . . .'

  ' No.' Paula's tone was unequivocal. ' And if you want us to be friends, don't mention him again'

  Very well, Debbie sighed, ' but I still think you're wrong'

  There were many times during the weeks that followed when Paula also thought she was wrong, for her need af Jason grew rather than lessened.

  Of Martin she saw very little, but gradually the infrequent coffee breaks they shared began to increase, and when one day in early February he asked her to have dinner with him, she surprised herself by accepting bis uvitation.

  Deliberately she wore her prettiest dress; one more of Jason's gifts to her, but now she could think of it with squanimity, could even conjure up his face without laving her knees turned to water.

  Martin's compliment as she came towards him in the restaurant gave recognition to the effort she had made to 00k her best, and she would not have been feminine had ;he not been aware of the admiring glances that followed icr as she preceded him to the table.

  As always, he ordered carefully and deliberately, hough he surprised her by asking for champagne instead »f wine.

  'It s a celebration' he explained as he raised lis glass and touched hers.

  'To what?'

  'My new consultantship'

  She stared at him in surprise. ' When—where?' 'In two months' time, in America. I've come to a Tossroads in my life and I've decided to make the break.

  The offer from the States was too good to miss.' He looked into the bubbles fizzing in his glass and watched a few gently explode before he spoke again. 'I want you to come with me, Paula. I'm asking you to marry rm'

  She felt no emotional response whatsoever and analysed the question as though it meant nothing to her. 'I'm married to Jason.'

  ' An empty marriage! You can't let it go on.' He sipped his champagne. ' Are you going to get a divorce?'

  I suppose so, I haven t done anything about it myself. I expect Jason will, when he gets around to it.'

  ' Does that mean you're still hoping for a reconciliation?'

  'It only means that whether I'm divorced or not it makes no difference to me. I don't think I'll ever many again.'

  ' You say that now because you're still bitter. You won't always feel this way,'

  Had Martin said this a few months earlier she might have disagreed with him, but now she was honest enough to admit the truth of what he said. One day perhaps, she might consider marriage again, but she knew with utter certainty that it could never be with Martin. He was too closely associated with Jason for her ever to find happiness with him.

  Quietly, carefully, she told him how she felt, seeing the pleasure ebb from his face as she did so, yet knowing that it was only fair to him that he realize she meant everything she said.

  ' You've got many years ahead of you, Martin, and I don't want you to waste them thinking about me. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to me either.'

  Martin leaned back in his chair, and for a long time said nothing. It was difficult to read his thoughts, for years of training made it possible for him to hide them. Yet, knowing him as well as she did, she knew that the quietness of his face in no way illustrated the activity of his mind, and she waited for him to speak, bracing herself for what he might say. When the words came they were the expected ones, yet even though expected, the closing of the door finally on their friendship left her with an unutterable sense of loneliness.

  ' Then tonight,' he said, ' had better be the last evening we spend together. You don't want to see me because I remind you of Jason, and I don't want to see you because you remind me of all I've missed in not having you as my wife. I won't argue with you, Paula, because I know it's a waste of time. All I will say is that you're kidding yourself if you think you've stopped loving Scott.'

  'I haven't denied it,' she admitted.

  ' Then why not'

  ' You saw him that night at the theatre,' she interrupted . '

  What chance do you think our marriage would have?'

  'All I know is that you still love him. You've changed, Paula, and according to Donald, Scott's changed too.'

  ' That still doesn't mean we could make each other happy.'

  He sighed. ' One thing that hasn't changed is your obstinacy!'

  Paula forced herself to smile. ' Now you've acknowledged that, perhaps we can talk about something else I'

  But somehow the rest of the evening fell flat. Having accepted the fact that she would never marry him, Martin seemed eager to put distance between them, and it was barely nine-thirty when he left her at the house.

  'This is our goodbye, Paula,' he said quietly. 'I won't be seeing you any more.'

  ' Not even in the wards?'

  ' No. I have lots of things to do in London before leaving for the States and I'll be leaving Marsden at the end of the week.' Quickly he bent and touched his lips to her forehead. ' The last time I kissed you,' he said huskily, 'I unwittingly caused you a great deal of tin happiness. I hope that this time . . . Without finishing the sentence he turned and left her.

  Paula closed the front door behind him, knowing that his departure marked the end of a chapter in her life. listlessly she prepared for bed, putting away her dress, putting on a filmy white silk nightdress and neglige1. She sat down in front of the dressing-table mirror and brushed her hair. It fell heavily to her shoulders, gleaming and thick, with a life of its own. Yet she herself had no life. She was an automaton moving ghost-like through her days, her mind occupied, her heart numb. Strange that her looks should belie her feelings, for never had she appeared more beautiful. Dispassionately she stared at her reflection. The rest in hospital had taken away the lines of fatigue on her face, and her skin had a subtle bloom to it that was echoed in the sheen of her hair and the silken lustre of her skin visible in delicate curves through her nightgown. Much good it did her! She flung down her brush and turned away.

  A bell rang sharply through the house and she clutched at the dressing-table. The sound came again and she tiptoed across to the window and peered through a chink in the curtains. The low lines of a black car could be discerned. Jason's car. Again the bell rang. Knowing it was impossible to ignore it, she took a deep breath, walked out into the hall and opened the front door.
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br />   She did not realize that the light streaming from the bedroom outlined her body until she heard Jason give a sharp exclamation and take a step towards her. Quickly she moved aside, knowing it was useless not to let him in. He came into the hall, closed the door and stood leaning on it, still staring at her. He was as pale as the first time she had seen him, the night he had cheated death. But now his eyes were open, glittering brightly as though with fever, and the mouth that she had known as tender, mocking and cruel, was moving as though in pain.

  ' Why didn't you tell me?' he said. 'I had a right to know.'

  There was no need to ask him what he meant. It was all too clear. 'I suppose Martin told you?'

  ' Yes. He came round to the house a little while ago. He told me everything... the night at the theatre . . . your losing the child . . .'

  Paula turned away from the anguish in his eyes. ' He had no right to come and see you'

  ' He blamed himself for what had happened. He said he couldn't go away without telling me you were still in love with me and that if I loved you I should go and tell you so.'

  There was a pause, and when Jason spoke again his voice was so husky it was barely audible. 'And that's what I've come to tell you. I love you, Paula. I always have—I always will.'

  She could not bear to listen to him and, blindly, she moved towards the light, only stopping as her body came up against the bed. She sank down on it, still keeping her head turned away from him. 'It doesn't matter any more, Jason. We're finished,'

  ' You can't say that'

  'I can and I do.'

  ' But we love each other.'

  Only then did she turn and look at him. ' Do you need Martin to tell you ? What would have happened if ho hadn't come to see you tonight? Would my next Communication from you have been a solicitor's letter?'