Embracing You, Embracing Me - A Coming of Age Romance (Fingerpress Life Stories)

by Michelle Bellon

  I felt Gabriel watching me as I contemplated the choice of beverages, clenching my jaw, a little stressed. What the hell, I thought. Without further delay, I reached into the cooler, snatched a cold can, popped the top and took a bitter swig. I was determined not think of that night and was even more determined not to let it affect my choices. I would drink a beer just to spite that memory. Unfortunately, I really did hate the taste of beer and barely got the first icy mouthful down without gagging. “Seriously, how does anyone drink this stuff? It tastes like butt!” I said emphatically, enjoying the laughter I evoked.

  Gabriel snuck up behind me, gently placing his hand on my shoulder, and whispered, “I have some cokes out in my car, if you would rather have one of those.”

  I lifted my chin stubbornly. “I’m fine with this,” and walked into the house.

  After everyone had satisfied their appetites with the juicy steaks, we gathered around Amber’s circular dining table to play the drinking game, “quarters.”

  The guys were much better than the girls and thought it was funny to give most of the beer from the “quarters” cup to us. We would cheer each other on while the majority of the beer dribbled down our chins, rather than into our bellies, as we guzzled it down. Nevertheless, soon everyone was more than a little buzzed.

  I found that I actually enjoyed the game, despite the choice of beverage and particularly liked how the alcohol worked its magic, making me feel giddy and uninhibited.

  After one of my many bathroom breaks, instead of rejoining everyone in the kitchen I took a detour out the back door wanting a bit of fresh air to clear my woozy head.

  Gabriel followed and wrapped his arms around me from behind. I leaned in. I loved how warm and strong he was. He was so big compared to me and I relished how petite I felt in his embrace.

  We stood like that enjoying the quiet of the rural surroundings for some time. Then Gabriel spoke in his slow, quiet manner, “Roshell, this may not be the right time. But will you go out with me? Will you be my girlfriend?”

  I was not ready. My body stiffened and I started to pull away. “You’re right this isn’t the right time. I’m completely snockered and so are you,” I said in an emotionless tone.

  “I’m not, as you put it, “snockered” and I know exactly what I am asking. I think that it’s time that we made more of a commitment to each other.”

  I turned around to face him and bobbled just a bit. I didn’t know why I was reacting that way. It was exactly what I wanted and had been waiting for, but now that it was literally staring me in the face, I couldn’t stop the panicky feeling that was creeping up and threatening to strangle me. I suddenly felt claustrophobic and didn’t know what to do about it. Just say yes! A voice in my head screamed. This is what you want and he’s offering it to you, just say yes, you idiot! The screaming was deafening but I ignored it, baffled by conflicting reactions.

  “Why? Why can’t we just keep things how they are?” I asked. “People screw things up when it gets too serious. Let’s just keep it light so that when someone gets bored and wants to move on they can do it without a big fuss.”

  Gabriel’s face remained passive but his eyes cut through mine. “Bored huh? You getting bored already?” His tone dripped with sarcasm.

  I squirmed under his direct gaze. “NO! But one of us might. Anyway, you were right. Now is not a good time to talk about this. Can we talk about it later?” My voice pitched higher as I pleaded with him to drop it for the time being.

  I could tell that he was far from satisfied with the way our conversation had played out but he agreed that we should shelve the topic for a later date. With a sigh, he offered his hand. “Sure. Let’s go in.”

  Chapter 12

  GABRIEL: She might have been able to act as if nothing had just passed between us but I was having difficulty doing the same. She absolutely perplexed me. I’m not used to feeling so off balance. It pisses me off!

  I was seriously considering forgetting about her and moving on, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with her flighty behavior and these tumultuous feelings.

  All it took to change my mind was watching her dance around the living room like a fool with her best friend.

  Roshell has a way of lighting up the room. She is vivacious and she doesn’t see what the rest of us see when she looks in the mirror. She is funny and has an amazing ability to put others at ease by how easily she laughs at herself. She talks about her own faults as if they aren’t faults at all, but rather facts of life that she is trying to somehow get around.

  Nope, I won’t be moving on any time soon. I really care about her. I just need to remember that she has been hurt. She’ll come around in her own time. She’s been pushed too far before and I’ll be damned if I’ll be another to push her on anything before she is ready.

  The night moved on, and I found Gabriel sitting on the front porch with Darren. They were trying out the Swisher Sweets they had swiped from Darren’s dad. Darren was bragging to Gabriel about how he thought he might get ‘lucky’ tonight with Amber, just as she and I stepped out the front door. Each with a beer in hand, we were swaying like thin trees blowing in the wind.

  “Whoa, Nelly!” Darren’s voice boomed. “You guys are totally soused! How many have you two had?” He looked at us with a sideways expression, either that or I was seeing cock-eyed.

  “Look at them, Gabe. They can barely hold each other up and their giggling about nothing in particular. Hey, you two, what’cha laughin’ about? You can’t handle your alcohol? Had a little too much, huh?”

  His smirk was irritating. I had half a mind to put him in his place but realized that with only half a mind, I had better keep my mouth shut. Then his expression softened as he gave us a closer look. “Forget I asked,” he said. “No more for either of you. You’re both officially cut off.” He snagged the beers out of our hands.

  “Awww,” we cried in unison. “What a party pooper!” Amber complained half-heartedly. She had drunk too much and looked somewhat relieved that someone had intervened, saving us from our self-destruction.

  I, however, didn’t miss a beat. No one was going to tell me what to do, or try to put a damper on our party. I snagged Amber by the wrist and dragged her back inside when I heard our favorite Garth Brooks song come on, “Come on girl! It’s our song!”

  Gabe and Darren just laughed as we stumbled indoors to sing at the top of our lungs, off-key and obnoxious.

  By the next song, everyone had joined in and were screaming out the lyrics, following along with AC/DC’s Shook Me All Night Long. Out of the corner of my, I saw Darren stop quick in his tracks just as he stepped through the doorway. His face lit up, “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about! Now it’s a party!”

  Gabriel was right behind and gave him a little shove, pushing through so he could have a look at what Darren was so stoked about.

  He took one look at the way Amber and I were dancing provocatively on the living room coffee table and hesitated for only a moment. His expression shifted, his soft mouth hardened and he marched over, snatched me off the table with a fierce protectiveness and flung me over his shoulder. “You’re done now,” he grumbled.

  I was laughing hysterically with my hair hanging down over my face, the world upside down as he stomped towards the back of the house. I could feel the blood rushing to my head and could hear everyone laughing at the little scene they had just witnessed.

  “Hey, no fair!” I complained. “We were just starting to really have some fun out there.” But once we were in the guest bedroom, and Gabriel set me back down on my feet, I felt the room spin wildly and a roaring sound rushed through my ears. I put a hand to my head and closed my eyes in attempt to fight off the spinning sensation. “Oooh, I’m a little dizzy now.”

  Gabriel reached out and held me steady then guided me toward the bed.

  My head began to spin even faster with my eyes closed so I chanced opening them again. “It’s your fault.” I spat out. “You’re a barbarian throwi
ng me around like that. I think you wiggled a screw loose, and now I can’t see straight!” I frowned up at him trying to show my frustration but had enough sense to realize how comical I probably looked with my eyes half crossed.

  Gabriel just shook his head with a laugh, “I won’t argue about there being a screw loose, but I definitely think that your current problem is directly related to a large amount of alcohol consumption.”

  I humphed, “I’m perfectly fine and I’m going right back out there to have a good time!” I defiantly attempted to stand up, but the world instantly tilted and I plopped my butt back down onto the soft bed. My body was not cooperating. How dare it.

  Gabriel leaned over, and pulled off my shoes, ignoring my childish behavior. “What you are doing, is getting your butt into that bed and passing out until morning.” His tone was strict and warned off any argument.

  I briefly entertained the idea of being stubborn and arguing with him just for sport, but quickly discarded that thought when I suddenly felt very ill. Then, with a quickness that astounded even me, I jumped up and bolted for the bathroom, where I proceeded to bring up everything that I had consumed over the last four hours. Afterwards, I brushed my teeth and shuffled back to the guest room, moaning my misery throughout the house. The numbness had worn off. I felt raw and sensitive as my body rejected the abuse I’d shown it. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep for a week.

  When I returned, Gabriel was lying on his back with his hands folded across his chest, waiting patiently. He rolled over onto his side with a look that said he knew what I was going through. With a sympathetic grin, he sat up, “Feel better now, princess?”

  I groaned and ran my fingers through my hair knowing I must look frightful and smelled sour. “Ugh! I think I threw up meals from a past life in there!”

  Gabriel gave out a quick hoot and inched me toward the bed. He tucked me in, gave the top of my head a quick kiss and then turned to leave the room.

  I reached out with both arms in a childlike manner, whining, “Don’t go. Please. I feel sick and dizzy still. I promise not to breathe my dragon breath on you.”

  Gabriel turned and looked at the pitiful sight I made.

  GABRIEL: I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty. I shouldn’t have let her drink so much. In fact, I probably shouldn’t have let her drink at all, but then again stopping Roshell from anything once she sets her mind to it is probably not a challenge that I’m up for yet. Damn, she’s stubborn.

  Oh well, the damage was done. I could at least try to be some comfort to her.

  He was gentle when he climbed over, careful not to disturb me. It was best that I stay on the outside edge in case I needed to jump up and run to the bathroom again.

  We were both still fully clothed, tired and ready to call it a night. Gabriel scruffed around in an effort to get comfortable. I was beyond comfort. I was hammered and sick.

  Then he slung his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. The discomfort eased. I let out a few muffled groans and was soon taking in deeper, slower breaths as I drifted off.

  Despite the nausea and embarrassment, I somehow felt indescribably perfect lying there in his arms and wished I could hold on to the moment forever.

  Chapter 13

  GABRIEL: I was supposed to be helping my dad out in the flower fields behind our house, but since it was the first day of sunshine in weeks, I found myself nodding off under my tree.

  One of my favorite ways to relax is to escape into the imagery of a good book, so I snuck away with the excuse of taking a fifteen minute break and crawled under the large willow tree, picking up where I had left off in ‘Catcher in the Rye’.

  The rays of sunshine streaked in through the still leafless, but budding trees and warmed my body. It felt so good and before I knew it I had drifted off.

  I’m not sure if it had been only minutes or a half hour when I woke to the sound of horses hooves. Thinking that I was in the midst of a dream I looked around and didn’t see anything other than open fields, but could still hear the sound of horse shoes clopping along on pavement, now accompanied by girls’ laughter.

  Girls! I’m a dude. I followed the sound of the laughter. As I rounded the corner of our house I looked down the rural side road that passed our front lawn. Not far along Amber and Roshell were mounted on Amber’s two horses and chattering as if they had not a care in the world.

  I didn’t want to interrupt their obvious enjoyment of the afternoon excursion so I slowly slipped back around the corner of the house. I haven’t yet brought Roshell to my place so I was pretty sure that they would pass on by without knowing where I lived. I felt a little foolish watching them from a distance like that but liked watching the two girls trot the horses down the road completely oblivious to being observed. They were so much more at ease with just each other than when in a social setting, especially if boys are around.

  Their hair was bouncing down their backs with the movement of the horses. They looked beautiful. But I had to get back to work, if I wanted to see Roshell later in the evening.

  The past few months since Christmas break have gone smoothly between the two of us, but there has been no further discussion of commitment and I feel that it’s time to bring it up again.

  Gabriel shared dinner at my house with my family. He faired well with their exuberant conversation, everyone talking over one another. I was no longer so nervous when he came over. He seemed to accept my situation and in fact was melding into my family quite well. After his visit, I held his hand and stepped into the cool night air with a sky full of stars above us.

  GABRIEL: My plan was to find a way to bring up the status of our relationship, but throughout the evening, I sensed an unease about her. I waited until we were sitting in the front seat of the Mustang before I gently started to prod her with questions. I wanted her to open up about whatever was bothering her.

  She of course gave the typical chick “nothing” brush-off comment. So I opted for reverse psychology and acted like I was no longer interested.

  It worked. She finally opened up.

  I listened as Gabriel randomly talked about how he was going to miss playing football next year after he graduated. He had loved the game ever since he was a young boy and his father started taking him out in the field to toss the pig skin around. He liked the sport just fine, but it was the time with his father that always pushed him harder. His dad wanted him to play well so he played the best that he could knowing that he would be there watching and would be proud.

  His words struck me on a very personal level as they ironically mirrored some of the current feelings I had in regards to ballet. I asked, “Did you ever think that was the only reason that you were playing football, was to please your dad?”

  Gabriel shook his head. “No, I really love the game. But I imagine that if I didn’t happen to enjoy it then I would still play to make my dad happy.” Tilting his head, he looked at me straight on, “What about you? Do you dance to please anyone else or is it just for yourself?”

  I narrowed my eyes in deep reflection. How did he read me like that? I wondered. “At first it was just for my own satisfaction. I wanted so badly to dance and would beg my mom for lessons but we were always too poor to afford such frivolity.” I paused and looked down at my hands to avoid his gaze. It embarrassed me to talk of my family’s financial status.

  Reaching out I grabbed a pen that was lying on the seat next to his school notebook. I needed something to keep my hands busy as I talked. “Anyway, on my ninth birthday my mom surprised me. She had signed me up for six months of ballet lessons. There was a studio in town that was offering a deal so she scrambled together enough money and signed me up. She knew that she couldn’t keep up with the lessons after the six months, but was hoping that I would enjoy it while I could. What she didn’t realize is that I would be good enough and work so hard during class and even at home, that when the six months was over and she had to notify my instructor that she wouldn’t be able to contin
ue paying for my lessons, my instructor would offer me a work scholarship.

  “I jumped at the chance to stay. It was a little embarrassing when the other girls would see me stay after class to clean the studio and reception area, but I really didn’t care as long as it kept me dancing. I was good! The physical strain that I put on my body everyday was like a drug. I loved pushing myself to the limit and knowing that it was paying off. I became lean and incredibly strong for my size. Until then, I’d always been a bit scrawny. The mental and physical discipline was something that I had never experienced before but thrived on and craved. I can’t explain it. It just fit you know?”

  I glanced up to see if he was looking at me like I was crazy.

  He wasn’t. He was staring a bit intently, but with understanding. “Sounds to me like you’re explaining it just fine,” he said simply.

  I gave a weak smile then looked back down at the pen. Sometimes meeting Gabriel’s eyes was just too much. He could look right into my heart and it often left me feeling raw and exposed. Talking about feelings was difficult enough, without his penetrating blue stare. “So this past year, I’ve been thinking about quitting and my mom and grandma are totally wigging out about it.”

  “Why do you want to quit? Don’t you feel the same way anymore?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I mean in the moments that I am actually dancing I love it like never before. I just kind of lose myself in it. But lately I have been thinking about the more realistic aspects of being a ballerina and I’m starting to think that it may no longer be a fit for me.”

  “Why’s that?”

  I continued, my brow furrowed, “Well let’s see. For one thing, they don’t make very much money. Most of them are starving and it’s not just because they want to stay skinny for the next role, but because they are completely broke. I don’t see that for myself. We all know how much I like to eat!” I joked with a little grin, wanting to add a bit of humor to lighten the mood.