“Then there is the money thing. At this point in my career I should be thinking about auditioning for bigger companies in bigger cities, but I would have to move and pay tuition and room and board. There is no way my family could afford that even if I did get a scholarship to help out.
“Those are only a few of the minor points. The main one for me right now is I that I feel like I am no longer doing it for myself. The first time I mentioned the idea of quitting I was only half serious at the time and just kind of threw it out there to test the waters. My mom came unglued. She started yelling and saying that I couldn’t quit after everything that they had done to support me. The commitment of driving me back and forth five sometimes six days a week costs time and money.
“Then she said she needed me to keep dancing and to be successful because I was her ticket out of here. I couldn’t believe it. I felt like I was punched in the stomach. My mom was counting on me to make something of myself, not for me, but for her. She wants someone to save her and she wants that someone to be me. None of the men in her life had ever saved her so now it’s up to me.”
Gabriel sat there stunned. “That is a lot of pressure to put on a seventeen-year-old.” He tilted my chin with his finger. “It’s not your responsibility to rescue anyone Roshell, least of all your mother. I like her just fine. She can be sweet, but it’s obvious that she gave up on her life long ago and it’s not fair of her to live vicariously through you.
I have seen the way you take care of her. Not the other way around. Sometimes it’s as if you two have reversed roles and she is the child, the way she sits on the couch and lets life pass her by. I also know that she talks to you about her personal problems as if you are her shrink rather than her daughter and has you thinking about burdens that most other girls your age don’t have to worry about.”
I had never had anyone speak so honestly before, especially about such private things. I felt relieved to have someone not only listening but giving me permission to let go of some of the weight of those burdens. A lump rose in my throat as unwelcome emotion welled up and threatened to spill over.
GABRIEL: I could see the tears filling her eyes as she bit her lip in an effort to keep it from quivering; it damn near broke my heart. Reaching out, I wrapped myself around her as if to enclose her in a little bubble and protect her from the world.
I welcomed the embrace. After I fought off the initial wave of emotion and felt that I could speak without crying, I said, “I love my mom very much. I just wish that I felt like she was someone that I could lean on, not that I always have to be strong for her. And now when I think about dancing, my heart just isn’t in it. It feels somehow tainted. I can’t keep dancing with that responsibility hanging over my head.”
I felt lighter, and relaxed into him as if in that moment I had finally let go. I was glad that I had opened up to him. I tilted my face to invite him in and gave him a soft kiss. He was letting me take the lead, and I sank into the comfort that he was offering. We held on for another few lingering moments before finally we said goodnight.
Chapter 14
It was a mild, sunny June morning, on the day of Gabriel’s graduation. I was filled with excitement as I knew how ecstatic he was to be reaching this crossroads in his life. He had said to me that he still wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do as far as a career went, so he reckoned he would hold onto his job at the grocery until he figured it out.
Hopefully, by next fall, as everyone else filtered back to school, the reality that he was out of high school would finally sink in and allow him to focus more clearly on future objectives. But for now all he could focus on was moving past this stage of his life and enjoying a carefree summer before he had to face adulthood.
I listened to him talk about the many post-graduation possibilities and found myself sharing in some of his anxieties and trepidations even though I still had another year before my own graduation.
It was the night of the senior party. Gabriel and Darren had initiated and planned a huge get together up at the lake. After graduation was over he would spend a few hours with his family at the little gathering that his mom and dad had organized, then he would head up to the upper lake at Fall Creek where there was a ‘seniors only’ party.
I had watched with amusement as he and Darren bantered back and forth discussing the many pros and cons to having people other than their fellow seniors invited. Gabriel coaxed and persuaded, trying to convince Darren that they should open up the invitation to others, with the idea of inviting me, but Darren had been staunch at sticking with the annual tradition of the party remaining exclusive to seniors. Darren’s mind was clearly set. Gabriel let the argument go and agreed that it did keep the party small and therefore kept them off the cop radar.
It really didn’t matter to me either way. Neither Darren nor Gabriel planned to stay at the party too late anyway. Amber’s mom was out of town again at a retreat for the dental office that she worked for, and I would be keeping Amber company all weekend.
The plan was that the guys would enjoy their senior party for a couple of hours with their classmates and then head down the mountain to join us once they’d had their fun.
I was relieved when Gabriel agreed to be designated driver and expected him to show up at Amber’s around midnight.
By the time one-thirty in the morning rolled around and the boys had yet to show, I gave up, heading to bed, feeling quite dejected and sorry for myself.
Not long after, I heard the rumble of his Mustang as it crept up the gravel driveway. My heart sped up.
As they pulled up, Amber’s dogs began to bark, their furious yelps echoing off of the walls, piercing the silence of the night.
Instead of leaping out of bed to greet them, I remained very quiet and waited, straining to hear their approach. I listened as Gabriel put the car into park and saw the night go darker as he shut off his headlights. I squirmed farther under the covers, quivering in anticipation.
The June night was warm and humid and I had left the window wide open allowing the muted sounds of the guests to filter in.
I heard Amber’s soft footsteps step out through the front door and onto the porch as she spoke in a loud whisper. “We were having a movie marathon and fell asleep in the middle of ‘Dirty Dancing.’ Both of us called it quits about twenty minutes ago and went to bed. Roshell is in the guest room. She might still be awake if you want to check on her. She was pouting when you two hadn’t shown your faces yet, so she would probably be really mad if she found out you came by and didn’t even say hi.”
I imagined the scene, listening to their dialog, Darren standing on the step just below Amber so that they were eye to eye. “Did you pout too?” he inquired flirtatiously.
“Maybe a little,” she crooned. They were such a cute couple.
Then the sound of heavy footsteps drawing closer toward the guest room, and my heart rate quickened again. Gabriel was just on the other side of my door, in the hallway.
The door was opened just a crack and the hall light streamed in allowing just enough light to show me lying there with my back facing him. He would see me and have to decide if he would enter and disturb my sleep or if he would simply walk away and let me be. Still I waited. I wanted to see if I could literally will him toward me.
My breath came in short, shallow wisps and I could almost sense him quietly debating his options.
I couldn’t take it. Patience had always been a trait that consistently escaped me and I made the decision for him. Rolling over, my hair disheveled, I peered over my shoulder and gave him a sleepy greeting, “Hey, you.”
“Hey, Princess,” he said. “Sorry we are so late. I was designated driver and had to drop off some of my seriously drunk friends at their home before we swung by.” His voice was soft and hesitant as he walked over and sat on the foot of the bed.
I turned on to my back and examined his face in the filtered light. He sat at the far end of the bed and looked like he was trying to avoid get
ting too close. In fact, he looked slightly uncomfortable. I had never seen him look nervous before.
I smiled, the revelation that he might actually be shy at the idea of being alone with me was titillating. The realization gave me a slight rush of power. I wanted to explore that feeling further. It was intoxicating. His discomfort actually allowed me to shed some of my own shyness and inhibitions. We were switching roles and it was… engaging, to say the least.
I threw back the covers and padded on my bare feet out the door and down the hall to the rest room.
I resisted the urge to look back and watch his facial expression as I walked out. I knew that my night-wear of a simple t-shirt over bikini panties would be hard for a guy to resist staring at. It was completely unfair play and I knew it.
GABRIEL: As she sauntered out the door I noticed her trim, muscular legs as the shirt she was wearing barely skimmed the tops of her thighs. I felt my body tense. I was tired and hadn’t thought about what she was or wasn’t wearing and was shocked to see her so near undress and equally shocked at how nonchalant she was about it. It was totally unlike her and I felt a little off kilter. I must have been more tired than I realized.
When I re-entered the room he looked settled but had a hard time keeping his gaze off of my legs. Thank goodness I had shaved that morning!
Instead of climbing back under the covers, I leapt up on the bed and knelt directly in front of him. I leant over and gave him a quick kiss on the mouth then sat back on my heels. I couldn’t contain my smile. He looked off balance, unsure of me or maybe himself.
Yep, he is definitely nervous right now, I thought with amazement. It had always bothered me that in most aspects of my life I had an assertiveness that pushed the envelope, but with him I had always felt unsure and allowed him to make all the first moves. Finally, I was finding my footing and felt a new strength within to regain some of that bravado.
“You’re lips are so cold,” I said.
Gabriel tried to stay focused, “Umm, yeah, I was freezing my balls off out there. Everyone else had tequila flowing through their systems and was staying warm. Not to mention the heater in my ‘stang is going out, so it wasn’t exactly helpful.”
I reached out and began to rub his icy hands between mine. “Come on. Climb under the covers with me, I will warm you up.”
The statement was thick with innuendo but I decided to let him wonder about that and work it out for himself.
Gabriel hesitated a moment before slipping out of his letterman jacket and tossing it to the floor.
“You can’t sleep in jeans silly,” I teased. “You have boxers on under those, right?”
Gabriel nodded.
“Well then, take off that cold denim before you freeze us both.” And with that I crawled to the wall side of the bed, and burrowed down under the thick comforter.
Once he had stripped down to his boxers, he slid in next to me. We were silent for a few minutes as we got used to the intimacy of sharing the same bed.
I curled into him resting my cheek on his broad, bare chest. My smooth legs entangled with his hairy ones, we lay quietly, listening to each other breathe while he gently stroked my hair.
While his hands and face were cold, the rest of him was putting out incredible warmth. I nestled farther into his embrace, enjoying the way it warmed me from the outside in.
GABRIEL: I began to tell her about the party in an effort to keep myself distracted from thinking of other things. Things like how her legs felt like silk, her hair smelled of her fruity shampoo, and the feeling that all was just as it should be as she lay there with her head on my chest.
I only half listened to him as my mind wandered, thinking about if this were to be the night that we would be intimate with each other. I had been thinking about it for weeks and feared I would panic once the time came, and wouldn’t be able to go through with it. Then ‘Would he get mad? Would he give up on me?’ I asked myself those questions repeatedly, but on that night, I no longer had fear. I completely trusted him, and more importantly I trusted myself.
It was a perspective altering epiphany and with it came the realization that I was in love with him. Intrigued, I pondered over whether I should tell him. But my fear of rejection was too great and I knew that I couldn’t bear it if he didn’t return the words. No, I definitely couldn’t tell him, but I could show him, and resolved to do just that.
The idea settled around me. That night would be ours and it felt right. After all, I was nearly eighteen.
GABRIEL: Up until that point I’d always felt a tenuous reservation in her, reminding me that I must never push her or she would pull away.
Now, all hesitation was gone and the total surrender that she was offering in her kiss was nearly enough to break down all of my control. I kept it reigned in, barely, in order to keep from completely plundering her.
I was determined to take my time for both of our sakes so that there would be no regret for either of us. If she was going to offer herself to me, then I would make sure that she felt the way she should have felt that first time. I would make our first time special.
When his eyes met mine it felt as if he were caressing me with his gaze. I pulled my shirt over my head and his hungry eyes roamed before meeting mine again, “You are beautiful.”
A sigh escaped my lips when he softly kissed my neck. There was only sensation. Thoughts left me as I was lost to the roaring fire that filled my body. I thought; this is how it’s supposed to be.
“Gabriel.” His name came out in a whisper.
He hesitated and looked into my eyes. “Are you sure?”
In that moment, there was nothing or no-one that I would ever want more. He had asked and that meant more to me than he would ever know.
“Yes.”
We had drifted off with Gabriel wrapped around me, my back to his chest. It was still dark outside when I began to stir. We woke and whispered into the quiet of the night.
“Tell me about the graduation party your parents hosted,” I said. I lay with my eyes closed feeling the vibration of his soft voice move through my body as he spoke.
We talked as if we were a couple that had been together in that way for years. Then Gabriel switched the subject. “So I guess this makes it official, huh?”
My stomach fluttered and for the first time that night I was tense with nerves. I decided to play dumb. “What official?”
Gabriel wasn’t playing that game. “Us Roshell. You know? You and me? A couple?”
I lay very still and tried to calm my breathing. “I don’t think that we should go there Gabriel,” I stated sternly, and wished we were still asleep.
He immediately pulled his arm back and shifted away, purposely putting space between us. “Why in the hell not, Roshell?” His voice was still low but his frustration was vivid. His anger was starting to get the best of him and this time he didn’t attempt to squelch it.
“I don’t understand what’s going on with you. I mean, you can have sex with me, but you can’t be my girlfriend? What the hell is that all about?”
Flinching with his bitter words, I tried to keep my voice steady but could hear it tremble when I spoke. “I don’t know. Okay? All I know is that every time you ask, I immediately freak out. I can’t explain it. I’m just screwed up in the head. You shouldn’t even be wasting your time on me. Just go away.” I buried my face in the pillow and began to weep, suddenly overwhelmed.
Gabriel sighed and pulled me to his chest.
GABRIEL: I couldn’t stand to see her hurting, especially if it was my fault. I had promised to make this night special and it didn’t include making her cry. How could we come this far, yet she still insists on keeping me at a distance and freaks out every time I bring up commitment?
I don’t understand her, but I’m trying to. It’s not easy.
“Roshell, please don’t cry,” he pleaded. “I just thought that would be the next step for us. I’m sorry. I don’t want to push you. You get me all twisted up inside and
sometimes I don’t know where I stand with you or what to expect.”
Why was he apologizing? I wondered. I was the mess. I was the one constantly jerking him around. I pulled my face out of the pillow and sniffled. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Are you mad?”
I had rolled over to face him, my eyes swollen and puffy. He wiped my tears. “No I’m not mad. Let’s not ruin tonight. We can talk about it some other time.” And with that he let it go.
I didn’t want to end the evening on such a sour note. I perked up with a new thought. “Hey, I know. My other aunt, Kari, she and her husband just moved to Washington for his new job. Anyway, my mom and I are going to go up there in a few days to spend a couple of weeks as school is out for the summer. I’m really looking forward to it, since we never get to go anywhere, and it will be great to see my cousin Rosie again. She visits every summer. We’ve been friends since her dad met my aunt when I was only six.” I paused, waiting to see if he would respond to my enthusiasm. He didn’t. “So, how about we make it official when I get back?”
“How come you didn’t tell me before that you were leaving?”
My eyes widened. “Well you were busy with graduation for one thing, and for another we just decided the other day. My aunt called my mom and one thing led to another, before we knew it we were making plans to visit.”
I caressed his cheek enjoying the sand-papery feel of his stubble as it scraped my palm. “I’ll miss you,” I purred. “Will you miss me?”
“Of course I’ll miss you.” He answered pulling me back into his arms.
I was aware that he was allowing me to steer the conversation and that I was once again asking him to understand something that even I couldn’t. But it was all I had to offer.
Embracing You, Embracing Me - A Coming of Age Romance (Fingerpress Life Stories) Page 10
