I settled into the comfort of his hold. We didn’t drift off to sleep again until the first light of morning began to brighten the dark sky.
The next few days were spent packing for my upcoming trip. My grandma, who was staying behind because of her job, was asking if I had folded the load of laundry that was in the dryer yet. “Roshell? Roshell? Earth to Roshell.”
I absentmindedly glanced up, finally acknowledging the question. “Huh, what’s going on?”
Grandma shook her head. “Good lord girl, you’re gonna have to get your head out of the clouds if you want to get anywhere in life. I’ve been talking to you for the better part of the last half hour and I don’t think that you have registered a word that I’ve said.”
I didn’t bat an eyelid. I was so used to Grandma catching me zoned out and dreamy eyed. “Sorry, Grams, I’m just excited about going to see my cousins.”
While it was true that I was stoked about seeing my cousins, Nate, Nick and Rosie, I was also consumed with thoughts about the night I had spent with Gabriel.
Our time together had been wonderful and more than I could have ever wished for or imagined. Yet, I kept berating myself for the way I had acted when he suggested a further commitment. Wasn’t it natural for our relationship to progress so? Shouldn’t I be ecstatic that he cared for me enough to want that commitment? The answers to my own questions were undeniably ‘yes’, so why did the mere thought send me into gut wrenching anxiety?
Then I had held him off, promising that we would take that next step when I returned from the visit with my family in Washington. I reasoned that it would work out perfectly. I would spend my vacation with my beloved cousins. It would completely remove me from the issue so that I could have a clearer perspective when I returned. That way I would be able to make a commitment to him without doubt or fear. I sighed. At least that was what I was hoping would happen.
That following Wednesday, my aunt and uncle swung by the trailer long enough to pick me and my mom up, and throw our belongings into the back of the truck. When I saw Gabriel pull into our dirt lane, I didn’t even try to contain my joy. I jumped down from the bumper and ran to greet him.
He was in his work slacks and a crisp, white button-down shirt. He stepped out of his car just in time to catch me as I leapt into his arms and wrapped myself around him.
“I’m so glad that you came by. I already miss you and I haven’t even left yet.” I meant every word, which confused me even more. I loved him so much but just couldn’t commit. I was suddenly worried about my looming departure and clung to him like a monkey.
Gabriel braced himself against the car and held me close, smiling. “I managed to finagle my way out of work for the afternoon. I didn’t want you rushing off without saying goodbye. But I have to make it quick, Princess, I’m on my way out to Darren’s and I know you’re busy.” Keeping it simple, he gave me a quick kiss. “I’ll be seeing you in two weeks,” he said.
I tipped my head up, my eyes squinting in the glaring sun. “Two weeks,” I repeated then gave him another quick peck on the lips. He slid into his Mustang and drove away.
I stared after him feeling as if my heart were leaving with him. Then turned on my heel and headed for the trailer to do a final once over and make sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. Satisfied that all was set I walked out the front door and joined my family for the trip north.
Chapter 15
I stared out the window as my uncle whizzed past the cars in the slow lane, heading south on Interstate-5. The landscape was flat and uneventful, with green pastures filling in the vast gaps between cities.
Normally I loved any sort of road trip. I would listen to music and watch the miles pass by, enjoying the different faces of land, imagining the different lifestyles in each city I passed.
This trip was different though: I found myself nervous with anticipation as we headed back home. I wasn’t really sure if it was home anymore, and I wasn’t sure if anyone would be welcoming me back.
The fact that my two week vacation had extended to the full three months of summer, and that I hadn’t bothered to call anyone during that time, made me feel guilty and skittish about showing my face. I hadn’t meant to be so self-absorbed, ignoring the people I’d left behind. But my aunt didn’t have a phone the first six weeks that I was there and when we finally did have a line in the house I was already nervous about calling anyone to explain that we had decided to stay for the entire summer break.
Then in the last week of summer, my aunt asked me and my mother if we wanted to move to Washington permanently. The old two-storey home was plenty big enough, and since her husband was a long-haul truck driver, he was often gone on cross-country trips. She and the children did not like to be alone and thought it would be a good idea if we stayed.
I had initially been torn. I desperately wanted to get out of the small town rut that I had been in for the last four years and really enjoyed the new sights of Washington. But the thought of moving so far from Gabriel, Sabrina, and Amber left me feeling hollow inside. I started missing sleep and when I did sleep, it was filled with dreams of Gabriel holding a pillow over my face and smothering me. I would wake up gasping for air with a panic that threatened to continue choking me. I knew it was wrong, and didn’t understand it, especially since I cared for him so much. Still, I felt like I couldn’t face him much less make a commitment to him.
Then Rosie helped me make my final decision. She decided to stay with her dad for the school-year and convinced me that going to school together would be a blast, especially as it would be my senior year. Possibly the best year of our lives!.
So I was going back to Oregon for a few days to grab the rest of my things, filled with dread at the thought of breaking the news to everyone.
We had left early that morning and it wasn’t quite lunchtime when we pulled into the dusty trailer park. Grandma rushed out as she saw us arrive. I latched on to her and didn’t leave her side for the next two hours. I wanted to spend quality time with Grandma because I wasn’t sure when I would see her again after we went back to Washington. Everything was changing and Grandma was moving to eastern Oregon to take care of her great-aunt Francis. She was arranging to sell our tiny trailer and then planned on leaving shortly after.
I felt so loved when I was with Grandma; we had always lived in the same house and moving away felt like I was losing a parent. I watched her make dough for the dinner rolls as I had seen so many times before and my eyes misted over. “I love you Grandma! I’m gonna miss you so much!” I sprang into her arms hugging her fiercely.
She gave me a tight squeeze, “I’m gonna miss you too girly, but look at you! You’re growing up nicely and this will be good for both you and your mother. You need to work things out between the two of you without my input for once.” She pulled back to look me in the eye. “You be good while you’re up there, and don’t forget to call me at least once a week. I will be at your graduation next spring, which will be here before you know it.” She turned back to finish rolling out the dough, concealing her own sadness.
“Yeah, well I’m gonna miss your cooking a lot, too. You are the best cook ever and we all know that mom can’t cook for sh…”
“Watch your mouth girl!” Grandma interrupted with a warning sideways glance. “Guess it’s time that you started making your way around the kitchen then Miss.”
I shuffled toward my old bedroom with a snort. “Yeah, right, I don’t think that my cooking would be much better. Besides, I don’t want to burn down that old house that Auntie is living in.” Then I peaked my head back into the hallway, “Hey Grandma? Can I spend the night with Amber tonight? I haven’t seen her all summer and I gotta break the news to her about the move.”
“Sure honey, but I will have to come get you first thing in the morning so we can get all of our errands done before you go back to Washington.”
I agreed then turned to face my impossibly small bedroom. I had seen closets in some of my friends’ parents’ ro
oms that were bigger. I plopped down on the bed that wasn’t really a bed at all, but rather a foam mattress turned into a bed. It wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep but I had been so excited when we first moved in, so tickled to finally have a room to myself that I didn’t care what I slept on. Suddenly a melancholy washed over me while I packed my personal items and the first twinge of doubt slowly seeped in.
That evening at Amber’s I apologized, explaining why I hadn’t kept in touch over the last few months. Amber was gracious, brushing it off casually, saying that she had been busy with her horses and hanging out with Darren anyway. But when I pushed on, explaining further about the upcoming move, Amber’s position on the matter changed.
“What the heck? It’s our senior year! You can’t just bail on me like that. What am I supposed do?” Her face was pinched and she looked truly distraught.
I felt pulled in two directions; part of me wanted to get the hell out of town and never look back, while the other part wanted to stay with the people I knew and loved.
“I know Am, but my mom really wants to be up there with her sister and now my grandma is selling the trailer so I don’t really have a choice. Besides it’s only a four hour drive, I can come back to visit whenever possible and you can come visit me too.”
Amber hhmmphed, “Whatever, it’s not the same and you know it! Man I can’t believe this. This totally sucks!” Amber was pacing around her living room as she ranted, then she paused, staring me down, her eyes blazing. “Have you even bothered to talk to Gabriel yet?” she asked accusingly.
I bowed my head, ashamed. “Not yet, we just got in today.”
“Well you better, I don’t think that he was too pleased when you didn’t come back as scheduled and just left him hanging like that without even a phone call.” She retorted, releasing her pent up resentment.
“I know, I better call him.”
“You can’t. He moved out of his parents’ house and into Tim’s place. They’re roommates now. Darren was telling me about it just a few weeks ago. I don’t know the phone number or where the house is, but we can go over there with Darren tonight. He was planning on going anyway, it’s their poker night.”
“Sure, I guess.” I hesitated. “Have you seen him lately? Do you think he’s really angry? Maybe he doesn’t even want to see me.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen him a couple of times when he was hanging out at Darren’s place. I can’t say that he seemed overtly angry, you know how he is about keeping his emotions tight to the vest. But I can’t imagine that he would be exactly pleased about the whole situation. He was expecting you to be home weeks ago.” She turned to head out the front door. “I have horses to feed. You can come if you want, and then we will give Darren a call.”
Darren picked us up around nine o’clock and we drove to what appeared to be in the middle of nowhere.
The day had been stifling hot and after sundown the air lost some of its heavy humidity allowing a little relief. It was twilight as we drove down the long, gravel road that was badly in need of grading to smooth out the potholes.
My nerves were shot by the time we parked. Darren leaned into the back seat, grabbing the drinks and snacks. He glanced over and his lips parted as if he were going to say something then snapped them shut as he changed his mind.
I took a deep breath with a silent reminder to remain calm and collected before I opened the door and stepped out.
Amber and Darren strolled in, arm in arm. I followed close behind, wishing I was somehow invisible. We stepped directly into a kitchen that had a definite seventies motif happening. Peering around Amber’s shoulder to get a better look, I noticed the room was small with cabinets that hung over a long, laminate bar. Past the bar and stools was a large dining area with an oval dinner table. Already there, were six guys sitting at the table chatting, while three unfamiliar girls hung out in the step-down living room, watching an episode of Friends, my new favorite sitcom.
At first glance, I didn’t see Gabriel and my heart skipped a beat: I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or distressed by his absence.
Tim waltzed in “Hey dude. Glad you could make it!” he reached out toward Darren and they gave the half-handshake, half-hug thing that guys do.
Darren cut quick to the chase. “Hey, do you know where Gabe’s at?”
Tim glanced over his shoulder toward me. I could see that, he still felt bad for the embarrassment he had caused me the year before at prom. He gave a nod, “Yeah, he’s out on the back deck smoking.”
“Smoking?” I commented. “Yuck. Well that’s new.” I was trying to be flippant but my growing anxiety was apparent to everyone in the room. I was wearing it like a coat.
I snaked my way through the maze of people and peered out of the sliding glass door. There was a terrible reflection from the indoor lights, making it difficult to see. I gave up and slid the door open.
The large cedar deck was lit by lantern lights that stood on either end and gave a candlelight glow.
He was at the opposite end lifting the lid off a small hot tub and didn’t notice me at first.
I watched his strong arms ripple as he propped the lid up against the side of the house and then bent over to pick up his burning cigarette, taking a drag as he turned towards me. He stopped mid-drag, put the cigarette to his side and stared at me for what seemed like forever.
GABRIEL: I felt too many emotions at once when I saw her suddenly standing there. She was wearing a jean mini-skirt with white Keds and a white tank top. She looked young and fresh, with her hair loose around her shoulders and even though it was getting fairly dark, I could see that her cheeks were pink from the sun.
My first reaction was shock at seeing her there. For a split second I wanted to embrace her and shower her face with kisses, but those feelings were quickly replaced by anger and resentment. I remembered how she had walked away from me and what I believed we had been building together.
I hate to admit that I had eagerly awaited her return, and when two weeks molded into three and then four, I became restless and worried. After a month, I started to feel embarrassed that she had treated me so callously. At that point I clamped down hard on every emotion related to her and forced myself to go numb.
As I watched her face, she was struggling. Again, I almost went soft and soothed her worries. But I didn’t. I let her struggle, just as I had.
Finally, I found my voice. “Well aren’t you going to say something?”
“What do you want me to say, Roshell?” His tone couldn’t quite disguise the bitterness.
“I don’t know,” I whispered pathetically. “I thought that… never mind… I don’t know what I thought.” We continued to stand facing one another, our bodies erect with tension while the silence blared between us.
I swallowed hard and tried again. “I missed you.”
Gabriel took a long drag from his cigarette. “Did you?”
His accusing tone put me on the defensive. “Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I? Look Gabriel, I know that you are pissed and you have every right to be.” I proceeded to explain to him the circumstances: how my aunt didn’t have a phone at first and how everything evolved into my spending the summer. By the time I finished, my tone was almost pleading with him as I realized there was no excuse for my callous behavior. “I really am sorry Gabriel. I hope that you can forgive me.”
His body language relaxed slightly. “I don’t really have anything to forgive, if you really think about it. You have always made it quite clear that you don’t want any strings attached when it comes to us. I am the one that pushed the issue. I’ll admit that I was pretty torn up when you didn’t come back.” He straightened his back again and his tone flattened to a monotone, “But I got over it.”
I had that one coming but nearly doubled over from the pain that his dismissive statement caused. What did I expect after the way that I had treated him?
“Well, anyway,” I said, “I wanted to set things straight between us, and I al
so wanted to let you know that I am heading back to Washington the day after tomorrow. My mom and I have decided to move there.”
GABRIEL: I didn’t think that she could sucker punch me anymore, but her last statement was more than I was prepared for. Hell I wasn’t prepared for any of this! She would be gone for good this time.
He turned his back to put his cigarette out in the ashtray that was perched on the railing behind him, but not before I caught the way his face had fallen with my declaration.
He slowly turned around, his posture stiff as he walked towards me. His expression was fixed and unreadable.
I held my breath and tipped up my chin as he came within inches of me, breaking normal spatial boundaries, reminding me of the intimacy that we’d once shared. I could smell the heady masculine scent of his favorite cologne, with a slight whiff of sweat to it, a scent that I’d become so accustomed to. He had two days worth of stubble on his bronzed skin and I had to resist the temptation to reach out and feel its familiar texture. His blue eyes pierced mine with a harshness that was foreign and I felt weak.
For a moment, I wondered if he would kiss me and all would be forgiven, but instead he leant down, gave me a quick, emotionless, peck on the cheek and said, “Good luck, Roshell. I hope it goes well for you.” Then he stepped around, opened the sliding glass door and left me standing alone on the deck.
Hot tears welled up and my throat tightened as I fought back the urge to cry. I stood out in the dark for five minutes, taking in slow, deep, meditative breaths, my body shaking violently. The smell of hay drifted in the air and I tried to focus on that rather than on the other senses that were assaulting me.
To my relief, Amber stepped outside to check on me and with one look knew that it had not gone well. She offered to drive me back to her house. She could come back to pick up Darren later. I readily agreed. The last thing I wanted to do was hang around any longer than I had to and risk the chance of another encounter with Gabriel.
Embracing You, Embracing Me - A Coming of Age Romance (Fingerpress Life Stories) Page 11
