Undaunted Hope

by Jody Hedlund

  Alex, on the other hand, didn’t look as if he was faring as well. His hair was unkempt, his face shadowed with several days’ worth of stubble, and the circles under his eyes were dark. He steadied Michael and half carried him inside.

  She waited for his ready smile, the carefree grin that never failed to melt her reserve. But he focused all his attention on Michael, talking to his brother gently, encouraging him toward one of the chairs near the sofa. He didn’t give her even the briefest of glances, almost as if she wasn’t in the room.

  “We heard you were sick,” Ingrid said, stopping in front of her. The little girl started to reach for her, then folded her hands in front of her.

  “I just have a little touch of something,” Tessa said in her scratchy voice. “It’s nothing. I’m sure I’ll be better in no time.”

  Ingrid took in the blanket covering her, the steaming cup of mead, and then Tessa’s face, which she was sure was pale and gaunt. Any trace of Ingrid’s smile faded. Instead the girl’s eyes turned glassy, and her bottom lip wobbled.

  “I’m sorry,” Ingrid whispered.

  “Sorry for what?” Tessa cupped the girl’s cheek, needing to test for herself that Ingrid really was safe and well.

  “I’m sorry for running away and making you have to go out into the cold to find me.”

  “You shouldn’t have run outside like that,” Tessa said softly. “But it wasn’t your fault that I got wet and cold. That was my own.”

  A tear spilled over and slid down Ingrid’s cheek. “But if I’d stayed home, you wouldn’t have had to look for me.”

  Tessa set aside her mug and wrapped her arms around Ingrid. “We all make mistakes sometimes.” She thought about the rash words she’d spoken to the men about never marrying them. She’d only been thinking of herself. She hadn’t considered their feelings or needs. And she certainly hadn’t paid attention to how her words might affect Ingrid. “Even I make mistakes,” she whispered against Ingrid’s head.

  Ingrid nuzzled her nose into Tessa’s neck.

  “And I’m very sorry if I hurt your feelings with the things I said to your father.”

  Ingrid nodded. The one small motion was all Tessa needed. Ingrid had forgiven her. Tessa released a long breath. As much as she wanted to lump Ingrid and Gunnar with all her other students, somehow she couldn’t. She wasn’t sure how it had happened, but Ingrid and Gunnar earned a special place in her heart. When she’d held Ingrid after finding her in the mine shaft, she imagined that the depths of her feelings for the children mirrored what a mother might feel.

  Tessa savored the bony arms around her neck and the soft cheek pressed against her. She closed her eyes, wanting to capture the moment because she knew it wouldn’t last. Even if she had motherly feelings toward the children, she had to stay impartial. Eventually she’d have to tell the little girl that even if they were both sorry for what had happened, Tessa couldn’t change the fact that she wasn’t planning to become Ingrid’s mother.

  If she ever changed her mind about the men—which would be a miracle—she knew she wouldn’t choose Michael. She couldn’t deny that of the two, she was more attracted to Alex. There was something there between them that she didn’t understand but that was undeniable.

  She slid another glance at him, expecting him to be sneaking a look at her. But he had his back to her and was helping to arrange Michael in the chair.

  Her chest pricked with unexpected pain. It didn’t matter what was there between them, they simply didn’t have a future together.

  Ingrid squeezed her again. “Uncle Alex said you didn’t mean everything you said,” she whispered. “He told Daddy to get another job someplace else besides a lighthouse and that then you’d marry Daddy.”

  Tessa froze and stared at Alex’s broad shoulders and the muscles beneath his snug sweater as he spread a blanket across Michael’s legs. “He told your daddy to get another job?”

  Ingrid nodded solemnly.

  Nadine had come from the kitchen and was fussing over Michael and Alex so she couldn’t see either of their faces.

  Tessa tried to picture Alex encouraging Michael to get another job so that he would be free to marry her. After the argument she’d overheard between them earlier in the week, she couldn’t imagine Alex ever saying such a thing, not when he’d been so insistent about marrying her for himself.

  She shook her head and turned her attention back to Ingrid. “Let’s not worry about any of that right now. Why don’t you climb here next to me and keep me warm. I’m freezing and I think you’re just what the doctor ordered.”

  Ingrid complied with a delighted smile and snuggled next to Tessa as though she’d been made to fit there. Tessa took a sip of her mead and waited for Alex to comment about her laziness, to say something funny or witty. When he straightened, he squeezed Michael’s shoulder before turning to speak to Nadine again while the youngest children attacked his legs and climbed all over him as they usually did.

  Gunnar had knelt next to his father’s chair and was watching his uncle with amusement. Alex flashed the boy a smile. “You used to do this too, once upon a time. But I had to give up since you were always taking me down.”

  Tessa watched the light flicker in Alex’s eyes and waited once again for him to turn his attention on her as he often did. She wanted to see the mirth in his eyes and feel the warmth of his affection. He bent to tickle the two boys, growling and pretending to be a big bear.

  He was ignoring her. She frowned behind her mug. Was he angry with her for saying no to his appeal for her love? Certainly he wasn’t that petty. They could still be friends, couldn’t they?

  After a few more moments of wrestling with the boys, Alex followed Nadine into the kitchen. After he was gone, the room turned strangely silent. Nadine had finally picked up the fussing baby. Josie had disappeared. And the two littlest boys had trailed behind Alex.

  She was alone with Michael and the children. They were glancing around the disarray of the room, at the toys and clothes on the floor, the muddy boots sprawled by the door, the overflowing ash pail next to the fireplace that needed emptying.

  Michael cleared his throat and finally looked at her. “How are you feeling?”

  I was doing better until Alex came, she was tempted to say. Now that he’d been here and had completely ignored her, she’d never felt more out of sorts. But she couldn’t admit that. In fact, she didn’t want it to be true. She didn’t want to care what Alex did or didn’t do.

  “I’m feeling almost like new now that I have Ingrid by my side,” she said, forcing cheerfulness to her voice. She had to focus on other things. She had to act as though she didn’t care what Alex was doing in the kitchen with Nadine. Because she didn’t care, did she?

  “Ingrid, did you apologize?” Michael asked, giving Ingrid a pointed look.

  She hung her head and nodded.

  “Gunnar?” Michael turned to his son.

  Gunnar stood and looked Tessa in the eyes, even though his red face said he’d much rather be doing anything else. “Miss Taylor, will you please forgive me for not taking better care of Ingie and in the process causing you to get sick?”

  “Of course I will.” She held out a hand to him. When he stepped nearer, she reached for him and drew him into a hug. He didn’t resist. His arms came around her and he hugged her back tightly.

  “I’m not all that sick,” she said when he finally pulled away. His face was redder than before as he resumed his spot, kneeling next to his father’s chair.

  Michael put a hand on Gunnar’s head with a nod of approval to the boy. Then he turned his attention back to Tessa. While his face reflected the same shyness as Gunnar’s, there was something in his eyes today that Tessa hadn’t seen there before. Was it confidence?

  No matter what was going on with Alex, Tessa was glad that at least one of them seemed to be improving in temperament.

  Alex leaned against the kitchen wall and peeked around the doorframe into the front room just in time to
see Tessa smile at something Michael said. Her lips curved up, transforming her features from pretty to heart-stopping.

  The sight wrenched his chest again, as it had whenever he’d sneaked a look at her. He only had to glance at the happiness on Ingrid’s and Gunnar’s faces, the rapt attention with which they looked at Tessa, and the adoration in Michael’s eyes to know he’d done the right thing.

  The night he’d brought the children home cold, shivering, and hungry, he’d cleaned them, fed them, and warmed them thoroughly. The first thing he’d done after he put them to bed was sit down across from Michael and tell him he was sorry for his selfishness. He relinquished all claim to Tessa and had given his brother his blessing on pursuing her in marriage.

  Michael hadn’t protested in the least. Instead, gratefulness had welled up to replace the melancholy that had overtaken him since Tessa’s earlier declaration. The shadows had disappeared from Michael’s face, and his eyes had come to life with new spirit.

  Seeing the eagerness in his brother’s expression only confirmed to Alex that he’d made the right decision, even if his chest felt as thick as three feet of ice. Every mention of Tessa’s name since then had hammered him like an ice pick chipping, ricocheting, and battering to get beneath the surface.

  Yet when Michael had sat up without help, and the very next day had forced himself to stand and take his first steps since the accident, Alex knew it was because he’d given his brother reason to hope again, reason to keep on going. The reason was Tessa.

  Tessa.

  Alex watched her tweak Ingrid’s nose after the little girl had said something funny. Ingrid’s smile was worth more than gold. When she snuggled deeper into Tessa’s side, Alex ripped his attention away from the precious sight and returned it to the table where Nadine sat nursing the baby.

  She’d yelled at Jimmy and Johnny for bumping into the table and had finally sent them outside to hunt for kindling, which was growing more scarce by the day as the snow refused to melt completely away. Now the kitchen was silent except for a pot bubbling on the cast-iron stove and the satisfied grunts of the baby gulping her meal.

  At a burst of playful laughter from the front room, his heart ached with a pain that almost bent him over.

  Nadine broke the silence. “I don’t think I like what you’re doing.”

  “I’m just standing here,” he said innocently. “Would you rather I do a song and a dance?”

  She narrowed her eyes like she did when she was about to scold one of the children. “Good thing you’re not close by, young man. I’ve a mind to box your ears, that I do.”

  Maybe he’d let her slap his ears. Then he wouldn’t have to feel the awful ripping in his chest.

  “You’re giving her up to Michael, aren’t you?” Nadine’s question was more of statement.

  He wanted to pretend he didn’t know what she was talking about, but he had the feeling Nadine would see right through his façade, just as she was seeing his pain right now. So he gave a slow nod, unable to speak past the knot in his throat.

  “Maybe it’s not your position to choose for her,” Nadine continued. “Especially when she already loves you.”

  He’d wanted to believe Tessa loved him and shared the same attraction. He’d once thought that even if she didn’t have the same fervor for him that he had for her, that it didn’t matter, that he had enough for the both of them. Besides, over time he’d woo her and win her so that she’d have no choice but to fall in love with him.

  But now it didn’t matter what Tessa felt for him. If she’d ever harbored any affection, she’d soon transfer it to Michael. Without Alex interfering, hopefully Michael would be able to make good progress in winning her love.

  Alex swallowed hard and tried to formulate a coherent reply to Nadine’s declaration of Tessa’s love for him. “She cares for Michael too. If he works hard enough, he’ll make her fall in love with him eventually.”

  Nadine pursed her lips and shook her head.

  “He needs her more than I do.” Alex’s voice dropped to a whisper. “And the children love her. They need her for a mother.”

  “I don’t like this one bit,” Nadine muttered. “Not one little bit.”

  “It’s not easy for me either.” Alex wanted to close his eyes and shut out the sounds and images of Michael and the children enjoying Tessa’s company in the other room. “But it’s the right thing to do.”

  “The right thing to do is let Michael find his own way.”

  Alex shook his head in denial. Michael wasn’t ready to find his own way. He was still floundering to keep his head above water, and Alex wasn’t about to let him sink.

  A hard, urgent knock came from the front door. Alex pushed away from the wall before anyone else could make an effort to rise. As he made his way through the obstacle course of items on the floor, he tried not to look at Tessa even though he could feel her questioning eyes upon him.

  He supposed she was wondering why he wasn’t friendlier. But the fact was he didn’t trust himself. If he looked at her or spoke to her, he doubted he’d be able to carry through with his resolve to let go of her.

  He wasn’t being entirely fair to her. He owed her an explanation. But for now, he reminded himself that she was the one who told him she didn’t love him or want to marry him. Even if he wouldn’t let a declaration like that stand in his way under normal circumstances, he could always tell her that was why he’d put a distance between them.

  Fighting the urge to look her way, he swung the front door open to the mix of snow and ice swirling in the gray afternoon. Even if he was ready for the warmer weather of spring, the frozen ground allowed him to make use of the dogsleds a while longer. He wouldn’t have been able to bring Michael to visit Tessa without the smooth ease of the ride. As it was, Michael had suffered over each bump.

  When the door opened, he was surprised to see Hannah—the young woman who helped teach the younger children—standing there and panting, with tears streaking her cheeks.

  “Hannah?” Had they found her husband’s body finally? “What’s wrong?”

  “I came to see Miss Taylor.” Hannah stood on tiptoe to see past him.

  “She’s not feeling well. Maybe I can help you in her stead.” He wanted to tell her that he was sorry that he’d lived when her husband hadn’t.

  “I beg your pardon,” Hannah said, her voice catching. “I don’t want to disturb her, but I know she’ll want to know—”

  “I’m fine” came Tessa’s voice. “Come in, Hannah.”

  Alex glanced over his shoulder to see Tessa rising from the sofa. The blanket fell away to reveal her shaking limbs. She straightened her shoulders, tossed her long dark hair over her shoulders, and took several unsteady steps forward.

  Michael’s forehead furrowed in concern and he started to rise from his chair. A grimace of pain halted him halfway, along with Gunnar’s cautioning hand.

  Alex hesitated. He didn’t want to steal her attention away from Michael, but he couldn’t stand by and watch Tessa struggle, not when she needed help.

  She stumbled over a discarded pair of shoes on the floor.

  He bounded toward her and caught her arm. For an instant she held herself rigid. Her eyes turned up to his and gleamed with accusation.

  Was she upset that he hadn’t paid her any attention? He almost smiled in self-satisfaction but then caught himself.

  He was certain she’d yank away and tell him she could take care of herself, but instead she shuddered and nearly collapsed against him. He frowned. She was weaker and sicker than she’d allowed them to see. “Let’s get you back to the sofa.”

  She shook her head and tugged him forward. “No. I’m fine.”

  Hannah hadn’t moved from the stoop outside the door. At the sight of the tears trickling down the woman’s cheeks, Tessa’s fingers dug into his arm and she trembled again.

  He was half tempted to pick her up and carry her back to the sofa.

  “Hannah,” she said, inching forwa
rd slowly, “do you have news of your husband?”

  “No, and I don’t expect that I will.” She wrung her hands together in front of her. There was a sorrow in the woman’s eyes that sent alarm through Alex.

  Her tidings were devastating. Alex sensed it even before she said a word. “Miss Taylor isn’t well today. I think you better wait to deliver your news until she’s feeling better.”

  “Tell me, Hannah,” Tessa insisted. “If not news of your husband, what tidings do you bring?”

  Hannah glanced at Alex, her eyes rounding.

  “Don’t let him frighten you,” Tessa continued. “He pretends to bark, but he’s really only a kitten.”

  “A kitten?” One of Alex’s brows lifted. In spite of the seriousness of the moment, he couldn’t resist saying something. “I’m more like a giant lion.”

  Tessa raised one brow back at him, but then she turned her attention to Hannah and tugged Alex forward. He reluctantly assisted her to the door, though he wanted to put her back on the couch as quickly as possible.

  “What is it?” Tessa reached for the woman’s hand and grasped it in her own shaking fingers.

  Fresh lines of tears trickled down Hannah’s cheeks. “I’m sorry, Miss Taylor. I didn’t want to disturb you while you were sick, but I knew you’d want to know.”

  “Know what?” Tessa squeezed the woman’s hand.

  Hannah gulped back a sob. “It’s Henry Benney.”

  At the mention of the boy’s name, Tessa froze.

  Hannah sobbed again. “He was in an accident at the mine.”

  Alex could feel Tessa’s body beginning to sag against him.

  “What happened?” Tessa persisted.

  “The ladders have been icy recently,” Hannah said haltingly. “He slipped and fell.”

  Tessa straightened and grabbed Alex with both hands. “Take me to him. Right away.”

  Alex’s heart plummeted in his chest. He knew what Hannah was trying to tell Tessa even before she said anything further. He slipped his arm around Tessa’s waist and drew her to his side.

  “Please,” Tessa said breathlessly. “I want to see him. I’m sure he’ll want to see me too.”